How do you explain to people that you really don’t have the time or the desire to chat on the phone?
I was never one for idle chatter and gossip but was able to “ play the game” until becoming my husband’s caregiver. My sister loves to talk and talk as well as constantly complain about everything and everyone. I’m perfectly fine checking in daily by text but she gets extremely insulted that I don’t have the time for 1 hour phone calls. I have explained that my time is not my own but then she gets so dramatic, which she has always been about everything, and accuses me of not telling her enough details and of hiding how bad things are. Things are not that bad here just, as every caregiver knows , very time consuming. When we do talk she says and asks things that are unintentionally hurtful and a bit dumb. She talks about everyone she has heard of with AD and how horrible it is and how certain people deserve what they get (her ex husband’s wife has AD and he is her caregiver) and it’s karma. That’s just a small example. I have mentioned to her laughingly that texting was invented for me as I’ve always hated talking on the phone but obviously that has not worked. Even her texts have become testy about my not responding to her calls. I really don’t want to start any kind of family issues but I’m at my wits end as I’m finding, for the first time ever, that I’m quite agitated by this. I think perhaps I’m making too much of this and it’s my fault and I’m hurting her but if I have an extra 1/2 hour in my life I’d rather read or just sit. Any input would be appreciated.
Thank you all again so much !
So I would say "You may not know; I cannot remember if I ever told you, but the truth is that I loathe the phone. I always have. Honestly it almost hurts my ears. Now the phone, which was something I COULD do, is honestly something I just don't have the time for. It is important now that the time I have that is "down time" is all mine. I hope you will understand. And if you do NOT understand , the I understand that you don't understand. But it is just, for me, how it has to be now."
You know, we train folks how to treat us and what to do. Listen to the whining and complaining then they just figure it's what you DO. You enjoy it. Why, otherwise, would you do it. And when you, as a nice person, finally get the guts to tell them the truth they will reply to you (I almost guarantee this) with a "WELL!!!!!!! If THAT'S how you feel then why in the WORLD didn't you just SAY SO????!!!" Right. Because there's a good time to say such things to folks like this, right?
Really, she is just performing her habit. She isn't aware. And she isn't aware you don't want to, OR she doesn't CARE (which is of course a good deal worse). Just pull on your big girl boots and wade on in and tell her the TRUTH. Don't you at least deserve to be able to do that. Sounds to me you are a hecka nice person. I think you DO deserve it. She won't like it. She will get over it. So start writing out the excuses now "Oh, there's the doorbell; so sorry. Have to go. Talk later" is a good one.
I never had caller ID. Ended up getting it because a friend called me at the worst times. 9pm at night, dinner time. It usually was about her. Just to complain how someone did this or didn't do that. Or let ur calls go to VM. Have a greeting saying you are not able to come to the phone. If they leave a message, you will get back to them As soon as u have time to yourself. And turn the ringer off.
You realize that ur sister is being very selfish here. Its not about her. You really only have time, at this point, for your husband. His care and your mental and physical health are what is #1 here. And sorry if she does not understand that.
Of course no one understands that. But it is what it is. My friends understand my family don't. Smh.
My husband laughs and says “You must have told her goodbye five times before she hung up!” She’s HIS sister! At least my SIL is pleasant when she remembers I “have something to do.” She’s a nice lady but she’d give an aspirin a headache!
In your mind, give her a set number of minutes to say whatever she’s going to say, and then tell her you have to attend to something urgent, even if you don’t. A fib here and there will save your sanity.
I don’t know if this has been helpful, but know that I feel your pain to some small extent.
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