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Mom is in NH. Supposedly she had 3 strokes; I have no way of knowing this for a fact. She may have dementia; I have no way of determining this diagnosis. She is definitely mentally ill and has been taking psych drugs for 40 years. But I had to go 2500 miles back to her hometown NH to force her family, the NH and her docs to give her those meds while she was full-blown hallucinating and they said "she is doing that for attention". While I was at home, her POA offered to change her life ins beneficiaries from all 3 of us sibs to just me, in order to "buy me off" so POA can do anything he wants with Mom's estate, implying he can change the life ins benes legally. (It turns out in IN this is true to a degree.) After I force issue about Mom's pysch drugs, POA assaults me. I come back home. After all, Mom is not hallucinating, she is in a nice place, anything I do or ask is construed as very threatening to POA & family. POA eventually recognizes he is legally in over his head with Medicaid & hires an attorney who is "supposedly" repping my Mom for Medicaid application. Lawyer and POA proceed to make decisions that I cannot believe are their right to do, including distribution of gifts. Mom's Lawyer wont talk to me. Mom doesn't know her diagnosis and is being treated by her POA and family in one of two ways...either with so much info she cannot process it, or she is treated like total idiot. Depends on their mood or agenda. When they want to overwhelm her and bully and threaten her, they do so. When they are pious, "working so hard" for her, stressed out, bored, she better be grateful. When she asks questions they threaten to put her in a mental institution. When they put a piece of paper in front of her, she better sign it or they "won't help her anymore". THIS IS TERRIFYING TO BOTH HER AND ME!!!


I can hear you now...hire your own lawyer. Yeah. I hired my own lawyer. He advises me to call POA. I told him POA assaulted me and is not able to anwer my questions, as they parapharase or believe anything they want, when I am looking for actual data. He tells me to call my aunt. (My aunt is unable to effectively communicate data. She did not like the assistant that read the "stroke report" from the "stroke doctor" so "your mother did not really have a stroke".) I asked MY lawyer..what is the mechanism, the legal "document" I could use or you could draw up for my mom to sign that allows me to know her diagnosis. (Mom is not declared incomp.) He says he will call me back. That was 5 days ago. TODAY...I found out MY lawyer had called "Mom's" lawyer, reported everything I said to him, all my concerns: "is this legal, is this the laywers choice, his decision, what is Mom diagnosis, what is a legal mechanism for me to discover my Moms actual medical diagnosis, I would be happy to just see the same piece of paper the NH has", I'm worried POA and Healthcare Representative are incompetent themselves, they cannot effectively communicate data". MY LAWYER knew MOM's LAWYER. Told him everything I said. Mom's lawyer gathers Mom, POA (uncle) & Healthcare Rep (aunt) at NH with Director. Uncle and Aunt inform my mother to tell me to cease and desist or they will withdraw their POA and support and never speak to her again. They told my Mom, who is in a NH, with an unknown diagnosis to me, that they are totally in charge of, they have sold her home, liquidated her assets, threatened and assaulted me, refused to even tell me WHY she is in NH, to be the one to call me and tell me this stuff. Youd think her laywer, my lawyer, or the POA would have done this to spare my mother any further stress over this terrible situation. But no. The very woman they are treating as incompetent, that cannot be responsible for herself in any way, has no say in any of her decisions, her life, or her money, her beneficiaries, her will, is told that SHE has to call me and tell me that if I make one more inquiry, she will be abandoned by the only family she has left. This is POA power.

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Assault is a crime; this should be reported at once to the police when it occurs. But, yes, you are correct. At some point either your Mother or the court appointed the POA who is currently serving. The Power of Attorney has all the rights and all the access to information, and all the power to share the information. Generally, unless there is financial embezzlement and the POA is reported to Elder Abuse authorities regarding that abuse, the POA is considered pretty much sacred, as it was conferred supposedly by a person TO a person they consider the best able and willing and honor bound to protect them. Whether they were right in their choice or not, will remain to be seen, and your warning to people in choosing carefully who they wish to serve as their power of attorney is a good one. It is, of course, almost impossible to handle any of this long distance, and in my experience once the relationship between family and power of attorney becomes adversarial the family will be shut out. Sorry for all the pain you are going through, but I think that there is ultimately very little that you can do about this. I would, at this point, get on with my life the best you are able. A lawyer may be perfectly willing to take your money, but that doesn't mean that you will win any rights. Unless you suspect embezzlement or physical abuse, both reportable, I think that there is very little you can do. So sorry.
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DesertCatlady Jul 2019
This occurred in a small town where my family is the police from the county prosecutor on down to the jail house keepers. There was no one to report this to. This is the way it is in southern Indiana. Mouthy women are still assaulted; I seriously had thought 2019 had come to my hometown, um, nope. As for the rest of it, I am just learning most of this, it seems quite bizarre to me, being new and outraged that I cannot protect my mother, but I am seeing this is the system. Also, with the huge influx of babyboomers coming to the NH and Medicaid age, the transfer of all the wealth of these people by monetizing anything that could conceivably be called an asset, except when it is inconvenient and a lawyer helps the POA with the loopholes, with a lookback of so many years is simply insane. My mother could have left me one of her homes in her will, she could have signed it over to me or given it to me or sold it to me for under the FMV at 4 years, 11 months and 29 days ago and Medicaid would have penalized her for it. Unless of course, I found a laywer that knew the loopholes. But that is another subject. There is much that is simply laws that were created to generate profits for specific systems, in this case, its the lawyers, nursing homes, medicaid, insurance companies, etc. I do not suspect anything more than skimming of a few thousand dollars, which no one cares about, and no physical abuse, whereas I know for a fact of emotional abuse and bullying, scamming her to sign paperwork, arranging her to have no meds when tested for competency so she appears to be confused, they admit to all that...but none of that is illegal, amazingly. And as they made clear, if I ask one more question, they will abandon her. Of course, the lawyer, whom she doesnt know would probably do a better job without the family involved regarding her care, at least he is objective, whereas they are punishing her for their own reasons, but she is terrified. I have offered to move her here, but at this point, she is unable to imagine herself in a situation in which she is not abused. It is basically battered wife syndrome, done with psychological abuse of an elder instad of the beating of a husband/wife. She did sign the POA 10+ years ago, when she had no idea the depth of anger and jealousy and hatred her family had for her. She reminds me of a trusting dog, constantly begging for petting, from the people who beat her. I am just going to have to move on, I guess. But it is hard to watch and now she is afraid to even talk to me at all. My mom was like a wild animal her whole life, feral, free...if she had gone to Los Angeles early in her life, she would probably now be the fantastic old lady in the hood that walks her cats in a baby stroller, with a smile for everyone. It is difficult to watch her now, having chosen to trust the very people who are determined to beat this out of her, but I am trying to learn from it. I guess we all will suffer the benefits and consequences of our choices at some point. Thank you for your reply.
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