My 86 year old mother passed away 2 weeks ago of cancer. I am angry, distraught and confused. She kept saying she was dying but no one believed her, not me, not hospice as her ‘ vitals ‘ were all good. As she faded into insignificance , to a mere 28 kilos, hips protruding, eating less and less, I kept asking, “is she dying?” Or is this the preactive stage- all things I had read on the internet, but I was always told no, and that they would tell us. Eventually I decided to tell my sister to come back from holiday as my mother had to go to hospice and she looked terrible and so sad. Still they did’t know. Thank God my sister came back early because she died 5 days later. My sister said to the doctor that it looked liked my mother only had a few days and he agreed! You can imagine my shock! I feel heavy with grief, can’t eat nor sleep, I know she has died, but I just don’t understand. She was there. Now she is gone.
Usually Hospice offers grief counseling, I would give the group you used a call.
Hospice is generally more experienced about identifying the stages of dying that most other organizations or individuals. But no one can predict accurately every time. When I called hospice to report my husband's death, they were quite surprised. They thought he would live at least a few weeks longer. Dementia was his cause of death, but an autopsy revealed he was also at end stage arterial sclerosis and his doctor was surprised he hadn't died of that even earlier. My husband died when his body was ready to die, just as your mother did.
I was in college when president JFK was assassinated. It was, of course, constantly on the news. I was angry, distraught and confused. My boyfriend tried to comfort me with "All things happen for a reason." I could have slugged him! Kennedy was there and then he was gone. I certainly knew that death was part of the events of life, but that was perhaps the first time I understood what that meant on an emotional level. I cried for days.
It has only been 2 weeks since your dear mother died. It is perfectly normal to feel heavy with grief, and not be able eat or sleep. You will always miss your mother, but this overpowering emotional response will become more manageable with time. Two weeks is just too soon to expect to feel "normal." Be gentle with yourself.
Eventually your thoughts of your mother will focus more on your relationship with her when she was healthy, instead of the details of her death.
Hospice does offer grief counseling, and many funeral homes do, too. Some people do well with group sessions. Others prefer one-on-one. Do you and your sister share memories and feelings?
My condolences on your terrible loss. And my assurances that this awful heaviness will pass.
It takes time to heal - I know it sounds like a cliche but it’s true.
The mom I lost back then was not the woman or mother I knew. That woman was lost to dementia.
When I feel blue thinking of my mom’s passing, I try to remember the many good things I had learned from her & how she did raise her kids to be self sufficient & independent, as she herself had to become when my dad died back in 1965. My mom was a single parent back when everyone had a spouse & noone ever expected my dad to get so ill & die ar 43 y/o. She never remarried.
Time does help heal. The first 3 months were the worst for me. She passed at the end of April right before Mother’s Day, and that Mother’s Day was very sad.
I see my mother’s traits in me and am glad she nurtured those (her) strengths & passed them on to me.
After a few months you will be able to accept mom’s passing as part of the Circle of Life.
I know this post won’t get you through these next few weeks after your mother’s funeral as it’s too raw, but you will accept it & the need to move on.
Cry as much as you want. Grieve the way you chose.
You’ll begin to see little snippets of your mother’s input in yourself as you go forward in life.
Our Moms will always be with us in spirit.
I wish you healing. Again it was so hard to accept for me as well, but my mother was 89 & miserable in a NH; her last sister died at 93 3 yrs before her, & then she had several strokes near the end that made her unresponsive and unable to communicate.
So sad.
Hang in there.(Hugs)
The end was horrible. She was not able to communicate at all. But our last words to each other that day on the phone before she became unconscious she said "I'll love you always" That was after I'd just got through singing "You've got a Friend" by Carole King to her.
On Christmas Eve that year I was talking to my niece about my Mom and how loving and kind she was. My niece said I think Grandma always had a straight line to God. Then I said she is probably here with us right now. Then I looked on the music playlist my sister had on and at that moment they were playing "You've got a Friend" by Carole King. I took that as some sort of message.
Time does heal. I know it sounds cliche but it does. Give yourself time and don't expect to feel wonderful in a few days. Let the process happen. It's been almost three years for me and I still fight the sadness. But you will be fine. Keep coming on here for support.
My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry for your loss.
The same thing happened with my dad. The day he passed my sister asked if my dad might need hospice but the doctor told her there was no indication he would pass imminently. My sister had recently had a baby and thought about coming home but my other sister told her not to. And to this day, I deeply regret not calling her and telling her to come home to see my dad. I saw him and he was so weak but I thought all he needed was rest and left for work.
It is horribly difficult to process how we can be on this earth without our beloved parents. There has been so much good and kind advice already given. Its been a year for me and like Gershun said there are days I have to fight the sadness.
Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.
I will go to get some counseling, that’s a good idea.
I guess death brings us to think about the fundamental question , which is what is life all about and what happens once you die... I wish my mother had given some sign of having enjoyed her life- instead of only reminiscing about her father whom she hated. It would have been lovely to hear that she had loved certain things.
We were with her for days while she died and kept telling her it was safe where she was going, that we loved her and appreciated her, played her favorite music, that we would be fine. But obviously we don’t really know anything about what happens next, what we will be doing for ever more
Thank you again for your messages
I am sorry for your loss. Two weeks is not long, and the grieving process in different for everyone. You go through stages--some people process this fairly quickly, some take a long time. Be gentle and patient with yourself.
And you did right by mom. I know it took a lot longer for daddy to pass than I was comfortable with--but death is no respecter of persons--few of us get the quiet calm passage we want, with all relationships intact and "good".
I personally have a very great belief in faith in the belief that my daddy passed from this earth into a much better, more beautiful place. I still feel his presence in my life, as I know he is simply a step away from me. I know I will see him again. I don't fear death, when we lost a baby grandson, the tears were there--but we will see him again and I know his sweet mom and dad will get to be with this sweet, tiny soul.
I cannot give you my faith, but I can give you comfort that you did the right thing by your mother--being there, playing music and letting her know you loved her.
Try and let the "bad" memories go. They actually do fade...in time.
Prayers for you and your sorrow, today.
My deepest sympathies on the passing of your mother. Those left behind feel so vulnerable and helpless at this point.
As for no one listening to your mom that she was dying, NO one knows the exact day and time but God. I've been a hospice nurse and, with some patients, you can tell right away. Then there are those who surprise you (either passing sooner than expected or later than anticipated.) Guessing the time of someone's death
is not an exact science, especially in the beginning. As signs become more pronounced, it can be easier to figure out a time frame. And families so desperately want to know but that's not humanly possible. All any of us (even doctors) can give is a guess.
You are concerned that your mom had no sweet memories. Do you have sweet memories of her? I'll bet she had those as hers too.
Give yourself as much time to heal as you need. Seeing a therapist to guide you through your grief is a good idea.
You will feel differently in a year than you do now. You will still miss her but the grief will be replaced by peace.
God be with you on your journey.
About a week after she died I got frantic about having to learn to crochet how she did, and that I hadn’t learnt how to to granny squares with her, so I searched the Internet and am now crocheting squares, while doing this, sitting outside, on a very down day, a little white eye bird, bright green , suddenly flew and sat on my wrist! It felt like my mothers nails as they were long before she died, I didn’t see it,was startled and flicked it away, so just saw it flutter into the sky , and my husband and daughter described how it had just headed for me!
Does any one believe in signs like this from the afterworld?
I recently read that true love is like a golden thread made in heaven. Even when one of the ends of the thread goes back home, it carries with it that union that once in heaven only becomes stronger and eternal.
And I think the truest love is the one for and from a Mother! If there was any way to tangibly remind you of how deep and alive her love is, I’m sure she would, but rest assure that while you hold on to your end of that thread -which I know will be forever- same as your mom will, you’ll feel how alive her love is in your life!
Let the warmth of that kind, loving, protecting and peaceful love of your mom, which is unvarying and permanent, keep you wrapped in a soft blanket of comfort, acceptance and hope!!
May God bless you greatly Maya!
Grieving is a well recognised process that has certain stages all of which have to be experienced. The only difference is the time it takes for an individual to pass through each one. Unfortunately some people get stuck in a stage. The anger and disbelief you are in though usually does not last forever as other things begin to creep back into your life. Blessings.
PS I too believe in signs from those who have gone before.
Anyway, am just venting, sorry!