Nursing home problem. Any advice?

This is normal for people suffering from a Dementia to want to go home. The staff is very used to this. Just tell MIL that she needs to stay a little longer. Its now time to fib. You know there is no way she can go home but in her mind she thinks she can.

Are u or ur husband POA because if so, she can't be discharged without your say so. She is incompetent to make her own decisions and the NH is very aware of this. They will not discharge her because she asks to go home. Its called an "unsafe" discharge and they can't release her by law.

If this wanting to go home is a constant thing, you may want to see if she can be given something to calm her.

If she can arrange finding a new place, furnishing it and moving without your help then she doesn't need to be there, if she can't then it's just words and you have nothing to worry about.

When dementia patients talk about "home", some caregivers think they are speaking of (1) their home they lived in just prior to being placed in a facility; (2) their childhood home; or (3) heaven. Home to our elders mean different things and home could mean the place they feel most comfortable and less stressed about. It's important to have a calm conversation with your loved one and try to understand what "home" they are speaking of. Determining that will give you direction on what to say to them to comfort and calm them. Plus I would coordinate with their doctor (or the facility's doctor) to perhaps prescribe something to "take the edge off" so they are not agitated or stressing about returning home. There are medications that do just that but won't put them in a zombie state. A competent geriatric specialist can advise you.

If the nursing home is doing their job, they’ll know how to handle this.

Don’t agree with her when she talks about this. Tell her it’s up to her doctor.

Many MANY people with dementia say this.

I brought mom 86 here with me a year ago. She has dementia and hallucinations. For the first few months, every morning I would find stacks of her clothing and her comb on a chair or bed. She told me she was getting her stuff ready for when they came to take her home. Then every afternoon/evening she would pace and rant, repeating that nobody knows where she is and we need to call and let everyone know she's here, that they won't know she isn't coming home tonight. She repeatedly asked what door they would come in through when they came for her. She would check/recheck the door locks all day. For a while she was sure our house was on a ledge and no one would be able to get to her. All I could do was reassure her she was safe and sound here. Often I told her she's staying here so I can help her while she gets better (from whatever illness she thought she had that day). I secured the doors so she wouldn't be able to get outside on her own as she may try to find her way home. I'm thinking your mil may be experiencing something like this, as part of the dementia. It sounds like your mil is in the right place now, with staff who are familiar with this behavior. They can keep her safe.

Talking about and wanting to 'go home' is classic for dementia patients, and goes with the territory for the vast majority, including my mother who lived in Memory Care. She started with 'wanting to go home' when her dementia got to the advanced stages, and did NOT want to hear me tell her the Memory Care ALF was 'her home', not for one moment! She'd get very angry if I told her she was 'already home', so I had to change tactics. I would tell her that 'when her doctor said she was well enough to go home, then we'll discuss it mom.' So that got her onto a new person to be angry with: the doctor, rather than me, and a new goal in life, to talk to The Doctor next time she saw her. Which she would forget about in short order, but it was the Diversion Tactic that worked.

As their disease progresses, a dementia patient may have access only to their first 50 years, then 40, then 30, and so on, until they go back to their childhood memories. This is not an orderly reversal – the person may remember more or less on different days and at different times during the day.

This results eventually, in the person thinking they are much younger than they actually are. It is not as though they realize they are, for example, 81, but they can only remember their first 30 years. Instead, it is as though they are the person that they were at age 30. Consequently, they are confused, because they may not recognize their family, since they are looking for the individuals they were sharing their life with at age 30. This is also the 'home' they are looking for, too......the one they had at age 30, or whatever age frame they are currently existing in. This is just to give you a 'reason' for why they want to 'go home' in the world of dementia.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (which is a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”

https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4

The 36 Hour Day is another excellent reference type book to have on hand b/c it answers a lot of common everyday questions you'll have about dementia.

Teepa Snow has lots of excellent videos on YouTube that give great advice and tips on how to handle elders with dementia, too.

To summarize, the Nursing Home will not release your MIL; whoever has POA for her is the person who makes all the decisions on her behalf b/c she has dementia. All you have to be concerned with is keeping her calm.

Best of luck!

My mom talked about "home," but in her head it was her childhood home.

It's just the dementia talking. Don't worry about it. I assume she's in memory care, correct? If not, she should be. They deal with this all the time.

Nusing homes are the home of the person. Their room is their home. Staff hears that all day, every day. They aren't going to send her anywhere, or pack up her stuff to leave. They know she has dementia.
She is not going to leave. She's not going anywhere. They know she has dementia. She can't leave. And the facility is locked so they cant leave. And that is to keep the residents safe. Don't worry about it. She's not going anywhere.

Pattisw,
The staff knows that all dementia patients want to go "home". I'm sure she's not the only patient saying they want to go home.
I cannot imagine that they would release her just because of what she says since she's speaking based on her "dementia reality" not actual reality.

My mom (dementia) is already home and still wants to go "home". She hallucinates and says all kinds of things.

They get to a point that no matter where they are, they still want to go home.

My 89 year old mom has been in her nursing home for 10 years and was perfectly content until her eye sight and mobility failed. She’s still lucid but now says she’s in prison and wants to go home or to live with me or my sister. If we were in her shoes we’d want to go home as well. Very sad as she has lost independence and is on the staffs time table for toileting eating etc. It’s a difficult time of life when all choices are removed.