So we befriended this older gentlemen who is at the same NH and he is always really nice and pleasant when we visit. From talking to the staff they indicated that he has only a daughter who lives about 10 minutes away but rarely visits if once a month or less and really only comes if the NH calls with an issue etc. Last time we were there which was today he asked if we could possibly call his daughter and ask if she could come see him. We don’t know the whole story and sure there is more to it than meets the eye but the one nurse said it was like she had him placed there and forgot about him. She said he has asked the staff to do the same but the daughter never comes. I am sure we will steer clear of the matter but I guess a lot of family do just leave their loved ones once they are placed and forget about them and we feel guilty for not being able to visit every week sometimes.
He can tell his daughter himself that he loves and misses her and hopes she is well.
That's what I would do in this situation.
I would continue to visit with him and show him love and friendship and pray the card creates a visit from his daughter.
It is sad. Some people don't deserve this and others so do. Getting involved in other peoples lives is not always a good thing. Look at one poster who helped a neighbor with her computer a few times. Then the neighbor was banging on her door daily. The poster wanted to know how to handle the woman. You find u have gotten too involved and how do u get out of it without hurting someone. Better, u not get involved. You can be nice to him. Let him enjoy joining in on your conversations. Maybe bring him cookies for Christmas. You can be kind without getting involved.
That's it. That's the boundary.
Also, an in-law died recently and the praises at his obituary made him seem like a wonderful person. "A great golf partner," "a good husband," etc. Did these people know he'd been married and dumped 6 out of 7 times for bad behavior? That he screamed and yelled at his outstanding and attractive kids over nothing, bringing them to tears in public, ensuring their need for psych treatment now? That he cut them out of his will entirely because they hadn't spoken to him in years? Both of these jerks were charming. You'd never know.
I'd leave this old guy alone except for exchanging a few words if encountering him in the hall. I certainly would never invite him to my home or contact his daughter. You don't know what else may be going on in her life, either.
You have no idea what the story is regarding their relationship. Nor do you know how busy the daughter is in her day to day life. Her schedule may be bursting at the seams.
Ultimately, it is the daughter’s decision whether to visit or not. She hasn’t abandoned him. She tends to his need’s when the staff calls.
Yes, it is a sad situation for him and others who are lonely but I would not call his daughter and stir the pot.
I can understand why you are questioning this matter. I would feel as if I were intruding in the daughter’s life if I called her.
His daughter is entitled to her privacy regarding her feelings and actions.
Be satisfied that you are reaching out and making a difference in his life.
Her father may be an abuser and she has ensured his safety and walked away.
That is none of your business.
Perhaps you could say something like “Sorry she’s so terribly busy. But we’re here now for a visit...” and strike up a conversation.
If I were in your shoes, I'd steer clear of calling the daughter, as this gentleman is requesting, b/c he can make that call himself, in reality. There could be dementia at play here as well, for all you know.
It's nice that you befriended this man and that he gets to spend some quality time with you when you visit your loved one. I think we all do what we feel in our hearts is right, and what we WANT to do for our loved ones in managed care, based on a multitude of criteria. I visited my parents at the IL, then AL, then MC at least once a week, and more often when they were passing or needed me for various reasons. I'm sure some would say that wasn't enough, while others would say it was too much, and yet others would say it was just right. All that really matters is what WE ourselves feel is right in our hearts, without 'guilt' playing a role in our decision-making processes. What others feel is irrelevant.
I'm sorry you were put in an awkward situation. Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.