For three years my wife and I have cared for a loved one. No breaks, no vacations. Without going into a lot of details, it has been intense. Hopefully in a few days they will be in an AL. It is very difficult to explain how hard it has been. What should we be prepared for emotionally and physically. We are physically and emotionally drained at this time.
If the answer is 'no' then you're not going through withdraws.
What you are going through is a transition. For years you had no time. Your day-to-day lives were taken up being caregivers.
Now you have nothing but time and don't know what to do with it.
So, let me make a few suggestions.
-Start sleeping and staying up late
-Take long drives together
-Do some day time drinking
-Start having French luncheon with your wife in the afternoon.
-Learn how to cook different world cuisines together. In fact take a couple's cooking class. They're fun.
-Start entertaining. Invite friends over weekly for dinner and and a movie. Or games and cards. Or whatever you like. How long has it been since the two of you entertained in your home? Or went out for an evening with friends?
-Take a vacation
-Take up a hobby
You have your lives back and you're free. Start living them again.
On the day 'they' get to the AL, you and your wife go out to dinner to celebrate getting your lives back. It doesn't have to be anywhere fancy. It can just be pizza and beer, but that pizza and beer will be the best meal you've ever had. You will not have to rush through it to get home. You won't be nervously waiting for the babysitter who's minding your LO's while you're out to call with some crisis or other. You two can just sit there and take your good, sweet time enjoying that pizza and beer.
My friend, when a caregiving situation that you've been chained to for years ends, it's wonderful. Your LO's aren't dead. They're in AL. Let yourselves enjoy the euphoria of this for the next few months. It's like a being on a honeymoon.
First thing I would do is plan a nice vacation. Your LO is safe and cared for.
The rest of the time I stared off into space or watched movies.
I alternated between hyper vigilance and numb detachment.
It’s been over 2 years and I’ve unwound enough to feel like myself again.
A few days after she was placed we took our kids to Niagara Falls for the day. We walked miles, took a bazillion photos, ate ice cream, and spent an obscene amount of money at the Hershey store.
Give yourself recovery time. Do what your heart desires at a pace your body allows.
Think of the brain as a computer with setting scripted in.
Try not to marinate in the past, try not to access the past. Stay on today and make certain that every single week you do something new and different you didn't do. Follow a bus route beginning to end. Spend two hours exploring in the library. Take up knitting, Rhumba, Pilates, and anything that might have a bit of exercise involved.
This will take time. It took time to train your brain to DO it and it'll take time to train it to stop.
It took me all of about five minutes to train my brain otherwise after being emancipated from my own care slave experience.
In November 2022 he hit that point - although it would be another 6 months before it would be official. He started the hospital>rehab> home cycle and in April 2023 we put our collective foot down and said we weren't taking him home.
He moved into SNF in May 2023. But for a full year and a month - SIL in particular - still living in his home - could literally not relax. Nor could we. Constant phone calls, verbal attacks, needing something brought to him, paying his bills, fixing his phone, protecting him from scammers.
My SIL is quite literally just NOW getting to the point where she can relax and not tense up every time the phone rings. FIL passed away in December 2023. We just sold his house and they moved out about a week ago. She is the most relaxed I have seen her in years.
The time he was in the SNF - was honestly worse than when he was home. He was not happy about being there - and wanted us to know it- upwards of 25 times a day.
What do you need to know?
It's ok to not be on call 24/7. You don't have to run every time LO needs the first little thing "I'll bring it the next time we visit". You may feel a lot of emotions - including relief. And whatever you feel - just know that your feelings are ok.
Don't take more than they expressly need in the facility. Don't attempt to ease the transition by staying there for a great deal of time. Many facilities actually encourage family to stay away to allow time for their LO to adjust. Don't feel like you have to jump if it isn't an emergency.
Breathe - take a few days of NOT visiting or talking on the phone and allow yourselves time to get your energy and life back.
It's ok to do things that don't have to do with them. You may feel like you have to manage things FOR them from home. You don't - that's why they are going to AL. Let the AL do their job.
And first and foremost give yourself some grace and time.
DH retired to take care of his mother. He made no 'plans' for retirement and thinks that since he's stopped working, so have I.
Any woman who has primarily run the household will tell you that a retired spouse is a PITA. He's at loose ends and wants to sleep all day, or go on long, aimless car rides! Ihave stuff to do and people to care for. Besides being 90% in charge of caring for our home...meals, cleaning, laundry, he thinks I do nothing all day. I also tend grandkids several times a week.
It's such a relief to have MIL gone. DH isn't adjusted to that. He is the executor, but it's only b/c his OB is pushing him so hard that anything's been done.
Once MIL's house sells, and all the investments are liquidated and disbursed--then I am going to have him see a man we know who helps 'retirees' find their joy again. DH LOVED his job. I KNOW if he called his old boss, he'd be PT employed again. THAT was his primary joy in life.