It's really wearing on me as the demands have increased much lately in taking care of my 97 yr. old mother. I have confronted her about her criticism. I can see she is not aware of doing this. I would like to keep
her as she IS good with mom and mom likes her, plus she is easily available.
Now what? I need some feedback. Thanks, cadams
M88
M88
When you confronted her, did anything change?
How much time to you spend with her?
Please post, even if brief. How are you doing?
M88
Hopefully the "helper" can be used for next to nothing kinda thing.
You don't need the "peanut gallery" making sassy remarks and or observations.
She has a job to do. Period. And now you know that she'll get "preachy"
with you, so you can come here and unload /vent without being judged. As if we don't have enough on our PLATTER !!! Plate not big enough!
We talk about ourselves and only a little or a lot. Depends on how we're doing.
I wish you well, and stick around please.
M88
You may be right.
But the customer, CAdams & Mom, are always right.
There are many different ways to get the information conveyed. Manners, customer service etiquette, and respect for the home owner.
The golden rule applies here: Whoever has the gold, RULES!!!
Wonder if specific incidents could be gathered and given to the agency (once she's no longer needed / welcomed by CAdams.
M88
Boundaries up!
It might only take once or twice to back the caregiver down from expanding her perceived role to "caregive/boss you around". It is her personality, or personality disorder maybe.
This calls for understanding when being nice is not always nice.
Pick your own words, or style to remind her she is over-stepping.
One can use words as strong as "Stop! You are over-stepping here, just stop".
(If she then says: "Why, what did I do?", just do not explain). Repeat "Stop, we are not going there".
You said you have confronted her. I think you can handle this-because we really cannot change another person's personality.
Sometimes things like that become "the elephant in the room" - the thing that it would help everybody if it could change, but you are not allowed to talk about it!
Overall, the visiting caregivers don't criticize me too much where I end up feeling as if I'm stupid, don't know what I'm doing all the time, etc... They know how to be subtle, tactful. And I know how to listen, weigh the information and then do it or not.
NO OF COURSE WE HAVENT But training requires skills that your helper probably doesn't have . Actually definitely doesn't have because you are not taking the information she is giving you in that context. It may well be that this person has been trying to let you know that your way is NOT the right way - FOR YOUR HEALTH that is. It might work wonderfully for your mum but if in the process you damage your back then you can't caregive.
Now I know I am being generous here and they may just be the carers from hell who know everything but they may well be better trained than you so observe what they do, notice if they do something in a way you wouldn't and ask the question.....I find it easier to move Mum this way but I notice you do it that way....why?
See if by taking the student approach you can encourage them to 'give' of their knowledge rather than reproach you for what you are doing. I am a learn by watching sort of person so that works for me - you may be a different type of learner so whatever works best for you.
Try it it might make all the difference and if not you have given of your best xxx
I have been given 99.9% high marks for my caregiving from all drs., other helpers for the past 6 1/2 yrs. , so this negative helper stands out. She didn't start out critical, but has become more so and I think that is what has thrown me. When I spoke about her lectures about my hurting back, that was just one example. I have many. I really think the problem is more her, her low self-esteem, jealousy and competitiveness...thus her negative remarks. Even when she was picking up her check she said her feelings were hurt because I went to the other helper and asked her for instructions on putting the bed-bound panty on mom as I was having difficulty and she thought I should have asked her, as she's taken classes, etc. (The other helper is a nurse with vast experience.) Then she also said it upset her when I helped her change my mom. I told her I was doing that as a kindness more than feeling she was inadequate as quite alot was involved at the time. I pointed out that obviously I thought she was adequate as she's been here 4+ mos. So....she's "on the shelf" for now. When I think back, I can recall her remarks about others tending towards the critical as well, though she comes across as super sweet and thoughtful.......I guess the mask fell and .....cadams
i had hospice nurses trying to pick me apart too till i got fed up with it and told doc they were stressing our household . doc lit em up .
you have enough around your neck without some mussolini wannabe trying to push you around .