I was diagnosed with an inflammatory form of arthritis in 2014. Presently, I cannot do a lot of standing without causing a flare up, joints giving out, etc. I also have a hard time lifting heavy objects. This makes me concerned because I'm only 31 and an only child. My parents are in their 60s and have medical issues of their own. Father has diabetes and osteoarthritis. Mother had to have a hip replacement and double knee replacements. There is currently an issue with my mother in law. My father in law passed away unexpectedly and left her some life insurance money. It's going to run out in a few years. She's self employed but the business only covers it's overhead, not living expenses. She rents. My husband only has one brother, but he lives out of the country. My husband expects that we'd need to have my MIL live on our property. He thought I would be able to take care of MIL in addition to our kids. I reminded him about the disability, and we was like, "Oh yeah you have your own issues". I think the best course of action would be to plan on returning to work once the parents, and possibly MIL need caregiving, and then pay for a caregiver to do all the things I'd have trouble with (grocery shopping, cooking, heavy lifting, etc). That's expensive, but my previous job was a desk job that paid decently enough, engineering. Think this is a good idea? And I wonder if the brother in law should at least be helping financially with my MIL and not leaving all the caregiving to me and my husband? What do you think? Engineers only make so much and I'm on the hook for my parents care and they have no assets to fund their care. They are renters too.
Some have tried the "gee, a friend of mine had this happen with her parents.... we have never talked about your wishes for....." to open the door to conversation. Some parents surprised but understood that middle generation would not take them in. Some were angry or frightened - but at least the conversation started.
Good luck!!
“Ask your rheumatologist if (s)he thinks that moving 3 retired parents in with you with you AS THEIR CAREGIVER is a good idea. I'll bet the answer is NO!”
Your parents and in-laws’ POV is selfish and disrespectful. This whole “adult female as family slave” crap needs to stop.
These oldsters will cause you stress and never be happy no matter what. So take it by the reins now — and start the convo now.
Kindly but firmly offer to do some Googling on their behalf, steer them toward Agency on Aging and county/state programs, and help match them with income-scaled resources.
And make it exceedingly clear that that’s where you draw your line. No guilt trips. No wheedling. No “yes but.” No “but we always thought.”
It’s not cruel or selfish. It’s where the chips fall when old folks “plan” their futures on a pile of nonsense.
Their financial insolvency is not your problem. Their health problems are not your problem.
You need to be there for yourself and your household. Refusing to co-live your parents’ and in-laws’ lives doesn’t mean you don’t love and care about them. You are simply at a crossroads, and you need to enforce that common sense and respect will prevail.
Love will prevail, too, of course. Love without self-centered expectations. Love without “shoulds” and “oughttas.”
The old folks in your life have been adults longer than you have. It’s a shame they did not make good decisions regarding finances and future planning. And it’s not your problem.
Your hubby might need a little attitude adjustment, too? If he deluded himself into thinking you can seamlessly take on the old folks, he might be in denial about the amount of support you do (and will) need from him? But that’s another convo for another day.
Keep coming back to AC Forum for support. You’ll get great tips on how to maintain your boundaries and stave off “mission creep.” You’ll also hear brutally honest tales of good intentions gone awry. And caregivers trashing their own health in the process. 😐. ((((big hugs))))
My mother, with all her troubles in health, really is concerned but it occurred to me my father inquires about my health and then snorts “You’re not sick.” because he had planned for me to be the slave that takes care of mom (and him too, when he lives to be 110.)
It doesn’t matter if they destroy your marriage, your life, your happiness or take your life, they are more important. (This does not include Mother).
My old pastor's inlaws from Korea were able to find a senior apt in an ethnic area of a big warm city, many miles away from their daughter. It was on the bus route, it was close to their choice of stores, and they were able to find a church with people from their home country. They did not speak a word of English when they immigrated (legally for all the worrywarts!). The Papa was in his 90's and still getting around the city to go to his prostate cancer treatments! The parents are just dumping on you.
Oh my goodness, you are so young to have such an awful ailment. I'm so sorry that this darned disease makes your life miserable. I hope your doctors can get it under control.
At 31, with children of your own, you should NOT be thinking about your parents' retirement and their care.
You can barely stand up. Your folks should be responsible for themselves. Have them apply for Medicaid now.
Don't return to work too soon. Get stabilized and, if working outside the home is too much (painful), then stay home. I hope you are on disability.
You can search for places for your folks to live but, if they are only in their 60's (me too), they are plenty capable of researching this and moving where they would want to go.
Emphasize your infirmity. Print out info on inflammatory arthritis for them to read. They are probably in better health than you are! Do NOT let them guilt you into moving into your home! Your kids will suffer, your husband will suffer and you won't be able to do it.
Ask your rheumatologist if (s)he thinks that moving 3 retired parents in with you with you AS THEIR CAREGIVER is a good idea. I'll bet the answer is NO!
Please think of yourself first, then your husband and kids. That's who you need to be responsible for.
If your parents didn't plan ahead, then they better get a move on it.
I'm an only child too and there is only so much one can do.
We prayed for you tonight. I hope your situation improves. God bless. 🙏🏼 👼🏼
Your parents are not that old to plan for the future. It's time to downsize. I think u have enough on ur plate.
I tried to get info out of my parents [in their 90's], but you would think they were in the witness-protection program. Once I was able to take over their finances, as Dad was thinking bills were junk mail [don't blame him] then I got a better handle on what net worth they had and what they could afford.
Also, sometimes our elders still view us as being quite young. I was in my late 60's when I was helping out my parents and sometimes they thought I was still that young 20 or 30 year old who could do everything and anything, like climbing ladders, or buying 30 bags of mulch and unload it in the backyard :P
Time flies by so quickly that some people just forget about saving for retirement. Before they know it they are in their 60's ready to retire... savings account is full of dust, and they quickly realize that social security isn't the income they thought it would be.
Let the family know that when the time comes when they need hands-on care, that with your inflammatory arthritis you would be unable to help them. Maybe find something else you can help them with, like handling the finances of bill paying from their accounts. I know my Dad was so happy when I said I could help him with that.
If you are able to work that might be an excellent thing for you to do, on many grounds. But I cannot at all understand why you feel responsible for your parents' finances. Can you explain that?