Would like to know about other's experiences when they finally had to do this. I moved my mom in with me a year ago--she has Alzheimer's and it has steadily progressed to the point where I know I need to have this kind of help for her. I am her 24/7 caregiver and I found a place I feel very positive about. The administrator is asking for 2 weeks with no visitors to help my mom adjust and connect to her new surroundings. I just wanted to know how others who have gone through this handled the process.
Ksordh ~ I am experiencing the same baiting. My mother is telling me that she will be so much happier when she is out of this house and asked me If I'll be relieved when she is gone that I dont have to care for her anymore. I don't take the bait as she then uses what I say to take another dig. I just keep responding with a positive nature and state that Im certain this will move will be much better for her and her care.
I wish you and your mom all the best. I'd still ask for an independent assessment on her level of needs.
She keeps commenting "Won't you be glad when you don't have to do x anymore?". I'm not sure how to comment because even though I will be glad she will be cared for it feels like she is baiting me into a testing of some kind due to her narcissistic nature. Any advice for this?
I will repost how the adjustment is going for those yet to do this for their LO.
When I first placed my cousin, I didn't realize that some of those traits would make her a poor candidate for a regular AL. Due to her resistance to care, confusion, not wanting to listen to the staff, she didn't fare so well in a regular AL. The staff is not inclined to tolerate that behavior anymore than you and your husband. If she acts out, they often will call you to come and deal with it. I'd work on getting an assessment and explore your options. Memory Care staff are trained to manage the kind of behavior that my cousin had. Instead of the staff calling me multiple times per day to come and address my cousin's behavior, the MC staff handled it with no problems. There was a huge difference.
I understand that sometimes the adjustment is more difficult if the person is further along in the disease
In our case, mom is very dependent on me and it was gut wrenching to leave her there and I cried for days after
In her facility the residents don't have access to phones and some are so upset and want to call a loved one - this really bothered me for a long time as put yourself in their place - you're lost scared and can't call anyone for help, but of course that call is only a temporary fix as its forgotten immediately
The other thing that really bothered me is the lies staff tells the residents - oh your loved one will be here at 10 in the morning to have breakfast with you or they'll be her soon go wait in your room
But now I chime right in with the chorus- a new resident was having a horrible time over the holidays looking for her daughter- she cried and wouldn't sit still so I tried to comfort her on New Year's Eve - she was convinced she had taken her mom to the hospital the day before so without hesitation I said the hospital called an hour ago and mom is doing fine she's asleep and they don't want you driving in the rain tonight to come see her - she was so relieved- for about a minute
So my mom is atypical- knows a lot can read do math can draw a map to get home and such but she thinks we still live together and spends a lot of time asking where I am - I try to tell her she's in a care facility because she fell and hurt her head - she cried when she realized she wasn't going home so I try to change the subject now - 3-to 4x a week I tuck her in at night and we say our prayers together - at the end I say God bless mom and she says God bless Madge
The only time I stayed away for 10 days was when I was sick in bed with the flu -
Until you prove to me that my mother is better without any visitors then sorry she ain't going in that type of care home. What if they feed her in an order she doesn't like, what if they don't understand that she PREFERS sleep with her slippers on, what if they don't realise the significance of her cuddly toy. These are tiny tiny things to a lot of people but to my mother it is the difference between night and day almost, and it is these things that the HOME has to adjust to - it is NOT for the service user to adjust to THEM. Care homes that don't recognise person centred care and individuality of their service users don't meet the standard FOR ME. Others may disagree (and you can because it wont change my thinking) but I expect better.
The best care home I ever saw had a policy of short visits for the first two weeks and they suggested joining them for afternoon tea or breakfast - about a 30 minute stop. That meant that the relative knew they had not been dumped (if they had capacity to know of course). Their afternoon teas were for the entire local community, the churches were invited - ALL OF THEM - the ladies guilds were invited as were chess clubs and bowls clubs it was a really big affair that had grown over the years. In a home with only 20 residents afternoon teas could have 60 people there - and it was a positively joyous experience. About 2 years later it all stopped when a new manager took over. Staff became disillusioned and left and the quality of care went with them sadly. And lets face it it is the quality of the care that your LO receives that you are checking on.
Scenario - what would happen if they over medicated to keep the service user 'calm' you want to wait 2 weeks and then see a doped up Mum?? Let alone the damage that can have.
Sunny is right about due diligence in advance but I would still want to monitor from the get go.
1) Who would give up looking after a loved one's welfare for two weeks?
2) This is for the convenience of the staff, and not necessary.
3) Provides the facility too much power to transfer the patient's dependency and loyalties to strangers, the staff.
I am so against this part. Suggest you find a facility that does not ask this of you.
Instead, you should be welcomed to be dropping in any time!
Once my Mom had passed at 98, Dad decided that he was now ready to leave their house. Took him to one retirement complex and a big smile came over his face, and as soon as he walked into the lobby he said "where do I sign up". For me it felt like how one would feel when they send their teenager off to college... will they like their room, will they make friends, will they like the food, etc.
Dad loved his Independent Living apartment, plus he was able to keep two of his private caregivers but shorter hours. That gave him a routine. Then nine months later, time for Assisted Living/Memory Care. Dad also accepted moving there. I was real lucky with him... he was use to having my Mom tell him what to do, so he was easy going with the Staff :)
No one size fits all here
I moved mom (93) to memory care a year ago and she still has not adjusted and wants to go home
Some new residents have no idea where they are or why and don't care and others get so riled up they have to be heavily medicated
Depending on your mother's overall health and mobility- how do you think she will do on her own there ? Is this a nursing home or assisted living with memory care ?
I see you are in SoCal so if you want to private message me I'm happy to share more with you
After my cousin progressed, began to wander, the doctor said she had to go to a Secure Memory Care facility. She didn't question it at all, was content and happy when I left her. (She really didn't know where she was or that she had been at another facility at that point. She loved what she called "her apartment" ).
The director said that I should not visit for about 2 weeks. I called and they said she was doing fine and she was. She has been very content since day one. It was the right thing in our case.
I would explore the facility in detail beforehand, to make sure that they are trained and able to care for someone with her needs. For example. In a regular AL, if the resident is resistant to care, uncooperative, exhibits odd behavior, etc. you may get repeated phone calls to come and address it. They may not be staffed or trained to understand and work with the resident. But, in a special unit, like MC, they seem to be prepared for that. They have ways to work with the resident. That is expected in that unit and they attend to the residents needs. I think it's important to be very candid about the level of care that she may have. Everyone is different. I had a great aunt who lived in a regular AL then nursing home for many years throughout all stages of her dementia and never seemed to need a MC unit.