Parent threatening to call police on me for elder neglect.

Yikes.

Do you live in her house? Or does she live in yours?

If you live in her house: here's my suggestion. Find another place to live. I know, that sounds harsh, but so long as you live under her roof, she feels like she has "control" over you. You can tell her she can 1) hire full time aids or 2) go into a care facility, whichever choice suits her more. But your days of being her caregiver/punching bag are over and done with. If she refuses either of those options, then tell her doctor and APS that you are moving out and she will be left alone and is a vulnerable person. If you go that route, get names of who you spoke to, and keep records of what days/times you did this, just to cover yourself going forward.

If she lives with you, that makes things a bit more complicated, because it is now legally her residence. So, if I were you, I would call EMS again once she starts to act "strangely". Greet them at the front door (away from mom's hearing) and tell them you think she might have a UTI; she has been hallucinating; she has been complaining of chest pains; tell them she hasn't been in her "right mind". Tell them you think it is IMPERITIVE she be seen at the emergency room; that she has this gangrenous infection, and you are afraid she has become/is becoming septic. With her myriad of health issues, it should not be hard to find the correct one to merit a trip to the ER; an elderly person "just" falling and exhibiting no visible signs of injury will not cause the EMT's to "push" someone into going to the hospital. You may have to be insistent with them; but usually EMT's are pretty good at "persuading" recalcitrant people into going to the ER.

Once in the ER, tell the admitting doctor/nurse/social worker that you can no longer provide for your mother's care in your home; that your job is too demanding and you work too many hours, and it has now become unsafe for mom to remain home alone. Point out that she is refusing to see her doctors and now has gangrene; that she is not cooperating with you in her care. DO NOT allow them to browbeat you into bringing her back into your home. It's time for her to be placed into a facility where she can get the level of care that no one of us can provide alone in the home.

As far as her calling APS - let her. This will not be the first call they have gotten from someone greatly exaggerating their "lack of care" at the hands of a family member, usually amounting to nonsense. Besides, if they think she is not getting the proper care, they can file for emergency guardianship and then she gets removed with absolutely no say in the matter, which wouldn't suit her very much, would it? In fact, if mom is still relatively "with it", I would throw that back in her face the next time she threatens you: "Go ahead and call, mom. Because then either they come here and see that you're lying, or they come here and see that you're telling the truth and then they remove you to a nursing home because I clearly can't take care of you properly." I'll bet she changes her tune pretty quickly after that.

Good luck.

I would encourage you to call APS. Gangrene will kill her if left untreated. That could very well be a problem for you.

Get an ambulance to the house and tell them she needs emergency services and refuses, if they don't take her after seeing Gangrene, you will have that as back up that you did everything to get her help.

If the ems have seen the conditions she is living in, they are mandated reporters. So, if the last ems visit was a while ago and you haven't heard from them, possibly not a problem.

Best of luck, this is a crummy situation for sure.

Please do beat your parents to the punch and call APS; tell them you are unable at this point to provide safe care for your parents. Enlist their help to get them placed in care. To tell you the honest truth I would PRAY (even tho an atheist, myself) for a visit to APS in which the care would be REMOVED from me.

Update here:

I've called the Doctor's Office to let them know that Mom has been admitted and I am unable to provide the adequate care she needs going forward for her needs. Since this is on Sunday, per the after hours office I'll have to call back Monday and talk to the on call nurses/doctor so they are made aware she is an unsafe discharge and with my working hours and capabilities I can no longer care for her. I have also consulted a lawyer friend of mine regarding the local state laws (Oklahoma) for her situation and accusations. From their understanding of my situation and the state laws, it's found I am considered an unwilling participant/caretaker since I never voluntarily agreed in writing or anywhere to be her caregiver - instead it was brought out of necessity since we lived in the same dwelling and she was unable to keep up with bills and maintenance of the house in her state. There is little proof to substantiate her claims I have 'abused' her in any way or 'neglected' her with the receipts I have of getting her food, groceries, paying for repairs and maintenance of the house and yard, etc. In addition, we share a joint account - and it can easily be tracked my expenditures for the house and groceries using my money over hers (I make nearly 1100 more than her SSI pays.)

I will post more updates as things unfold. Thank you all for your kind words and help. I'm no longer terrified. Still stressed, but now I feel like there is some hope for this situation.

Offkilter, I am so glad mom is now in the hospital.

I wanted to add something else to my post. It is not just the doctor at the hospital who decides when and where mom gets to discharged to. Hospital doctors are only looking at what is medically necessary, and don't really concern themselves with the ADL's.

I made it a point, when my mom was in the hospital and the "discharge planner" was telling me the doctors said mom "would be fine to go home!" (she so would not have been) to ask the nurses on the floor what time PT would be in to "walk" mom, and I made it my business to be there when they came. I chatted very nicely with the PT, voicing my concerns: mom would have to navigate up an inclined driveway, 16 steps just to get into my house, and then another 12 steps to get up to her apartment. The PT looked at me, smiled and said "Got it." Next thing I know, the discharge planner was asking me and mom about where she would like to go to rehab to get her strength back before even trying to get home.

The more people you talk to honestly at the hospital about your situation with mom, the more likely you will have someone "behind the scenes" telling the discharge people that it would be unsafe to send mom home at this point. Especially the PT staff and the nurses. They see far more than the doctors ever do, and most of them want what's best and safest for their patients.

Good luck, and again, I'm glad you were able to take this first step and get mom to the hospital for treatment!

Please nake it clear that its unsafe to release her home and your unwilling to care for her at this point. Past your abilities, she won't go for care, you must work. Since you are not her guardian or POA, the State will need to take over her care if you want neither. And the way she is, I would allow the State to take over.

You could have called APS earlier. Telling them she won't go for help and you do not want charges filed against you for neglect. They could have firced her to go. You would have a recordvof the call.

Update 2:

I was able to speak with Mom's case manager and social worker and advised them exactly what you all suggested. I also added in that as it stands Mom has also been keeping me in the dark in the past regarding her conversations with doctors (if there were any at all) and the threats of calling the cops on me for neglect because I was enforcing what previous doctors advised regarding her diet and being unable to keep solid food down ontop of being unable and unwilling to let me function assisting in personal care/hygiene needs. I reiterated with my job demands and hours plus an upcoming move in 3 months that I am unable to care for her nor have had any capacity to do so in the past in a way that would help her thrive and become independent. Right now the extend of what she needs is still to be determined but they stated she most likely would need to be in a rehab for at least 20 days before they consider releasing her. Long term care may require a medicaid spend down voucher assuming she isn't in the time table for hospice due to her condition and cancer progression. I noted the names and date/time of who I spoke with and they understood my predicament. I firmly asserted too that I just live with her as a daughter to help pay bills and did not agree to be any caregiver/caretaker and do not have a POA/guardianship or any legal designation that I am the one responsible for her well being and care. The case manager was shocked at the treatment I described but understood and she will be discussing any and all facility options with Mom alone without my involvement. Which is fine with me.

My only fear now is Mom making a scene to get kicked out of the hospital or to be sent home but I imagine her caseworker will handle that going forward.

Update 3: I went to visit mom yesterday to drop off a few things and as it turns out the clothing and blankets she took had bed bugs. I had the hospital dispose of them instead of taking them home. She told me in the hospital they don't know what kind of infection she has and her vitals are fine. She also asked how class was (I graduated college over 5 years ago, I came from work) then asked about a chocolate malt ball delivery being made that doesn't exist. Knowing she was not fully compus I asked the Nurse what was going on and reiterated to them the same thing I mentioned to the caseworker and advised about the class and chocolate remarks. The Nurse ubderstood the delusional queation concerns from talking to them it sounds like the case worker is already working on Mom's situation. She also affirmed her vitals were not fine and that they suspect it's sepsis which makes sense due to the gangrene. It can also explain her threats to me with calling the cops and the delusions. I mentioned the hospital released her after keeping there on 2 weeks on antibiotics without surgery and it didn't improve at all. Surgery is most likely in the cards especially with sepsis involved since the last time antibiotics alone did not help.

I came home and thoroughly checked her room and the house after stripping down my clothing. No signs of bed bugs anywhere. More than likely they hopped a ride on her items while she was waiting in the ER fot over the several hours they kept her there before they got a room.

At this point if she calls to ask me to bring her food (as she has the past several hospital stays she has) I will remain firm and tell her that the hospital will provide food and she needs to maintain their diet while in her condition. They won't let her starve and if she refuses I imagine they will give her a feeding tube of some sort. I also spoke with my lawyer friend regarding if she causes a scene or acts out to be discharged home and more than likely they would put her under a psych eval or if she assaults one of the staff the police would be involved. It would be a matter for the case worker to handle.

I still worry she will try to claim abandonment/neglect even at this stage so any reassurance regarding this would be greatly appreciated. I do know now that she is gone for the moment my anxiety has come down greatly and I can finally manage to eat again myself beyond small snacks or ensure shakes.

If anyone else has suggestions on next steps beyond preparing for the move out please let me know. At this stage I feel a bit more protection now but still don't trust her not to throw me under the bus still.

Thank you all for your kindness

Offkilter, you are doing exactly what you should be doing for both mom AND yourself.

Your mom might try to claim she was abandoned; your mom might try to claim she was abducted by aliens! The facts are: 1) mom is septic. 2) you had mom brought to the hospital when it became clear that she was not well and in her right mind. 3) mom can no longer care for herself, and you cannot provide the 24/7 care she clearly needs. 4) you have alerted everyone who needs to be alerted to this fact and are currently waiting for the discharge team at the hospital to find the next place mom needs to go to continue to get care - be that rehab or a nursing facility. This is NOT abandonment. This is caregiving for elderly, extremely ill person.

Abandonment would be if you packed your things in the dead of night and snuck out of the house without letting anyone know mom was alone and vulnerable and left no forwarding address or phone number.

Stay on task, and stay strong, you're doing everything EXACTLY right!

If she has sepsis and not thinking straight she should not be discharged from the hospital. Rehab is just that tobhave physical therapy. Rehabs are not for taking care of sepsis in my opinion. They will try to get rid of her. If they insist she goes to Rehab, watch her. If you feel she worsens request her be taken to ER. If they won't, you have right to call an ambulance. Of course, they also have a right to not let her come back.

let her call on you. So what? Let them in and show them what you are dealing with. If they remove her from your home, congratulations.

You have been given great advice on how to deal with mom’s health care issues. I’d like to delve into financial aspect…. so right now as mom is in the hospital, her stay should be covered by Medicare as her primary health insurance and then by her secondary health insurance policy. Hopefully she is on Original Medicare as easier to maneuver than a Medicare Advantage plan. Advantage tends to have in network requirements and more costs as something will always end up as a dreaded out of network coverage so will have co$t$. Depending on what that gangrene and its sepsis is like could be hospitalized for quite a bit of time. Her staying hospitalized gives you time to try to figure out your next steps on dealing with that house you live in but in your mom’s solo name. Should she be discharged to a NH for rehab that too is a post hospitalization Medicare benefit. If somehow they want her to go into a LTACH Long Term Care Acute Care Hospital that too is Medicare as health insurance benefit.

All these give you time to figure out her finances as to IF she will end up having to do a spend down and private pay for the day once she moves from being a patient on Medicare to becoming a custodial care resident in a NH. NH are private pay or LTC insurance at 7K-15K a month & if she is low income enough she can file for LTC Medicaid program.

Ltc Medicaid - once it’s filed for - is very restrictive as to what she can spend down $ on, it tends to be $ to be only used for her care and her needs. So any costs for that house in her name really shouldn’t happen. And this spirals down to being an issue if you want to have the house sold because it will take $ to get it clean up, decluttered and do some degree of spiffing up even if it is just to make it more secure for a Realtor or buyers to walk though. If you pay for stuff, it’s hard for you to be reimbursed from Act of Sale $ as it’s moms house and that is technically “gifting”. Medicaid tends to view what we do for our elders as done out of a sense of family responsibility without any expectation of compensation. But if you do some things for the house from her $ before application filed, that’s a different story. Nothing crazy like putting in a pool but paying to get all nasty carpets & drapes out and new ones installed, paying her property insurance, repairs needed for safety… stuff like that should be ok. The house can remain an exempt asset for her lifetime even if she files for LTC Medicaid, so you can continue to stay there as it is already your existing home. But once she’s on LTC Medicaid, all house costs will be on you 100% as all her income basically becomes a paid to the Nh required Share of Cost by LTC Medicaid program. And once she dies, the LTC Medicaid program will have to attempt to place a lien or claim onto the property for all costs Medicaid paid for. Could be six figures if mom lives awhile. It’s done via MERP. If you want to deal with it you can but cannot be forced to.

Now if you are over the house and can’t wait to get out you can. And not your responsibility to do or spend on it. My experience is that folks like your mom will be adamant that they are NOT selling their home that they intend to move back even though that is so ridiculous… and the house goes blighted, interior goes nasty, utilities get pulled, taxes go unpaid, yada yada. As you already live there, and have a job so have income, you actually are in the position to take your time to make a decision that makes sense for both what is best for your mom and for you. If anyone wants to tell you a decision has to be made asap, not accurate as house can remain exempt asset while she is alive.

If mom was secretive on financials, do your best to find what you can to determine where she is for her ability to private pay OR impoverished enough for LTC Medicaid. And be sure to find that POA you did with your mom… and always sign everything as “OffKilter as POA for June Kilter”.

Off kilter, it sounds like you are being a rock star dealing with the hospital.

Read what Igloo wrote and follow it, she is a Medicaid rock star and knows what she is talking about.

I pray for you and your mom that she doesn't suffer needlessly and that you are prepared for any outcome.

For hospital, My Chart or similar account.

There should be full report of Mom's stay from admittance to discharge. If she was brought in by EMT, they will not that on the report as well.

I know for My Chart there is a section where you can request a detailed copy of the report.

One time when I was a kid I threatened to call CPS on my mom. I had the phone in my hand and I said. "I'm going to call the child abuse hotline". My mom's reply was "I will earn it after you hang up".

My suggestion. Let them call. This is emotional blackmail.

OffKilter, Thanking you for your updates to us. And agree with others that you are a rockstar now in handling this.
Don't let them send her home!
Insist on placement. She is now in the perfect place from which to be placed. Let them know you are not emotionally, physically or mentally able to care for them and will call APS yourself if she is returned to you so that a court conservator can be put in place to manage her care.

DO NOT TAKE HER HOME!

Update 4: All is quiet on the front - the care facility that will take in Mom for Rehab called me to verify a few things regarding her status. She is clinically approved but the insurance portion won't kick in till they see the extent of her cancer progression. I advised the Care Facility that we don't know if she may need LTC (They offer this as well) or potentially Hospice. They understood and will be on standby until myself or the case worker speak with them. They did warn me about the spend down for Mom's house as well incase she will need to stay beyond the 20 day rehab. The irony of this situation is the facility that will take her is the same exact facility my mother put her mother in over 10 years prior for similair issues. The universe has a sense of humor apparently.

I haven't received any calls from either my mother or the hospital blessedly. I have not checked in on her status so far but will most likely call in tomorrow to see where she is at currently with the Nurse and/or doctor. If it is an emergency they will reach out I'm sure. For now I am steadily gathering things togethor for my move in the next few months and finally able to relax while they take care of her. I am just glad that they have her safe and with the care she needs for now and I'm not falling over from panic anymore.

If anything else comes up I will update accordingly. Thank you all again for your kindness and help!

Kilter, OMGawd your $ issues, imo absolutely ASAP first thing is open up your own bank account that your future $ goes into. Right now it’s commingled and LTC Medicaid can and will by default say that all - yes Sister - ALL $ in it is all hers. Can downstream into a total clusterF.

Cannot stress to you how beyond mucho importante this is.

Not an attorney but if it were me this is how I would approach it:
say in July I made $2987.65 paid every 2 weeks that got deposited into this shared bank account by an honest to god employer that issues me either a w-2 or a 1099 for my taxes. So legit $ that is mine, tied to my SS#, tied to my IRS filings. I can prove it’s all mine and easily. This month I again got paid $2987.65 and expect the same $ amount EOM. That new account you open up with $100 cash deposit and then couple days later with 3 separate deposits of $2987.65. It has to be a match 2 match with what your paycheck is. You take new banking info to your work HR to change deposits. Again absolute do whatever you need to do ASAP to get any & all future deposits changed to new bank account that is only in your name and SS#. This could take your employer a bit of time and if so, then you continue the pattern till the change gets done. Must be absolutely a penny to penny match up.

Would suggest that this is an entirely new bank. Not same bank group where the account is now. Why? Well mom is difficult and will be likely defaulting on debts and you don’t want your account tied into this hot mess. Bank staff do not and should not know that she is hospitalized etc. this is all about YOU getting a new bank account.

For your income $ prior to July, that imo is going to need forensic accounting work to be done. Dealing with stuff like this is not a simple DIY. It is imho type of work that is all about segregation of assets determinations and that is the type of work that pit bullie divorce attorneys do. They will have CPA they work with to do forensics. Will take time and not cheap. A lot of what you have going on is - if you step back and look at this with a jaded eye- similar to couple who disagree on everything type of problem. So how willing are you to “go to the mattresses” on this??? A commingled bank account with 6 figures way WAAyAay different problem than one with $23,451. Think about it.

Moms $ issues: Right now as mom still in hospital, her health insurance paying. When she goes post hospital rehab patient in a NH, her Medicare & her secondary or Medicare Advantage Plan still paying. Billing @ NH is happy as insurance pays much higher rate as rehab patient and NOT a custodial care resident. Pay attention to when you start to hear her bed status is it changing.

Right now if NH has told you she probably has a “spend down” that means more than a mere 2K in bank accounts. Has to spend down to that to be considered impoverished in nonexempt assets for LTC Medicaid. LTC Medicaid has 2K nonexempt asset max and $2829 income max for most States. If mom over $2829 income each month, another problem but hopefully she is not.

iMPT: Tell the NH you absolutely want to hold off ANY filing for LTC Medicaid till you gather her financials together. That mom will write a check for mo 2 mo if need be. More on that later…

Nh and LTC Medicaid are going to want 3-5 years of documentation & as you have access to that shared account, get last 5 years of bank statements. If not squirrel away in that nasty house, then bank research dept does this and costs taken from that account. Xerox so you have an Original & 2 sets. Any other financial accounts, rinse & repeat. You want this too for your possible forensics. While at the bank, make sure that you know precisely whose SS# accounts are in. This is meet with a bank officer stuff. Be dressed nicely, have your IDs, be calm. You can do this!

Not being POA poses problems BUT also poses possibilities. If pressed dodge on saying no POA. More on that later too

OffKilter, perchance the cancer on her chest, does she have nodular melanoma? And what type of gangrene? On the gangrene, no surgery to remove anything, right?

Edit. Reading all the replies. Seems this has evolved quite fast over the week. From fear & darkness to real pathways.

It is not known of course how Mom's health will go, but I sincerely hope some stress has come down.

Reading all this is just overwhelming because I don't know what most of it even means. It's not like I haven't tried, I just get pushback with every effort I try to make to HELP my mom. It's bad enough that she fights me, but the feeling I get is that there people that treat me like I'm looking for an opportunity to steal from her. Her attorney that wrote her trust/will etc won't even talk to me until I get 2 doctors to do specific testing on her that states she is no longer able to care for herself. That's been nearly impossible. Her medical provider does the bare minimum and they sent her back home worse than when she ended up being hospitalized twice. I'm just getting this bad feeling that something is going to happen and I miss the boat. I'm confused by the advice I have received because I've talked to 2 people that said all I can do is let her fail before she can get the help she needs. I will never be able to live with myself if I just step back and do a wait and see and it costs her life. I've already witnessed her health decline and I hate seeing and hearing the things she is doing. On one hand she is hiding from everybody that she knows can affect her life in ways she doesn't want. But other times she tells me things that I think she must know how I feel about it because she has been told over and over that if she continues along the path she is going, she will end up in the hospital again and they may not release her back to her own care, and this time it will be 3 strikes and she will be out because the first 2 times I fought for her to be released back to the home she loves so much. She said they can't tell her that she can't go home. From what I hear now, they can if her health and mind has declined so much that she can't take care of herself. APS did go to her house but she wouldn't let them in because she worked there for years and knows what to expect. She has out of control diabetes, she can barely walk anymore and is considered a fall-risk, and she is borderline dementia. I did hire caregivers to be at her house full time after she was released from the hospital the second time but that cost over $78,000 in a 14 month period. I don't know how that can be sustained for a lot of people. She doesn't qualify for Medicaid/Medi-Cal IHSS. I ended up firing the agency that did come to her house because they were providing medical care that was not allowable according to their license and it ended up harming her. I just kept noticing things that didn't seem right and every once in a while my mom would tell me something they were doing so I investigated the agency and ended up reporting them to the Dept of Social Services and they were cited. That experience with the agency I fired has soured things for her so much that she doesn't want anybody coming to her house to provide care for her anymore. She does need some medical oversight but the things I've set up for her as a workaround, she won't do. For example, I was able to have her doctor order her the Dexcom 7 so she won't have to prick her finger 3 times a day to find out her blood sugar levels. I also need to find a simple device that she can understand where I setup her medications for at least 6 weeks. It's my understanding that even individuals licensed to do medical care can't set up their medications. I say 6 weeks because I have 4 upcoming surgeries and the first one will require having someone care for me initially, but I also won't be able to drive for 6 weeks. She can't take care of me. It's just her and me and we live about an hour from each other. It's time to have a hard discussion again so whatever suggestions anyone has would be welcome, but I'm a beginner with all of this so I will write up a plan with expectations, the reasons, what I can, can't or won't do because I have foolishly thought of not having my first surgery, but that will leave me permanently paralyzed and I'm not going to sacrifice my health if she is not willing to work with me.

Update 5:

This is a bit longer but I'll try to be concise. I received a call from the nurses a few day ago telling me my mom essentially became non verbal and non reactive overnight. Couldn't speak, no reaction to stimuli, essentially in a stupor while her limbs continued to jerk about erratically. Could barely keep her eyes open. They originally asked for permission for an MRI with possibility of sedation to keep her settled to do it along with the EEG. She even ripped out one of her IVs during the fits so they had to install a central line and get a tube in her for her medication and nutrients.

They could not do the MRI as she only became more restless after sedation. The only word she could say is 'ow' with some facial expression but no response to anyone or anything else. They suspected it was toxicity in the brain either from the sepsis or from the antibiotic they put her on for it and asked to confirm her Code status. She has on file she is DNR and I affirmed this. Later on they confirmed from the EEG she was having continuous seizures brought on by the toxicity. They transferred her to the 4 Tower ward which for this hospital is just a step below ICU. This ward is generally for people who may or may not be going into Hospice. As it stands I was preparing for the possibility she may very well pass before long if this kept up - and I'm ashamed the idea brought me relief.

Cut to today I receive a call first from the care facility asking if there were any updates. I told them what I knew about Mom and depending on what happens we are unsure if Hospice would actually be the right option versus LTC but soon as there was an update I or the Case Manager would contact them.

After work I receive a call telling me that Mom is somewhat more 'awake' now, per say. She can say her name and understand/obey basic commands but she's been in and out of sleep. They will try the MRI again to see what is going on and either the nurse or doctor will alert me from there. I admit I am upset over this but not for the reasons people may think: it means while yes the seizures have stopped she is still suffering. I know it sounds back-a$$wards despite everything that's happened but I want her to have peace finally. They haven't even begun to try and work on the gangrene itself beyond the antibiotics, no mention of surgery on that yet nor word on cancer progression.

As much as I hate to say it, not hearing from her and having her out of the house the past few days has drastically changed my mood. Even coworkers stated I seemed alot more relaxed and happy. I could even sleep soundly without help of my anxiety medication and eat full meals again when I had to rely on ensure and trail snacks as I was so wound up my body couldn't take more. I hate it. I hate that such a drastic change showed in me the moment Mom left for the hospital and knowing I'd be safe from her threats, and she was being cared for by people who could do it. I was 'free' if you will. But... that's my mother. I shouldn't feel that way with her but that's just the reality of the situation I was put in. That she put herself in. I'm talking it through with my therapist right now because I feel a mix of shame, anger and embarrassment over this. No child should feel this way about their parent especially when their parent is sick, but ...considering everything that has gone on how else can someone feel?

Again I thank you all for your kindness and confidence. I know what to do going forward at least if they try to send her home in this state but I highly doubt that is going to happen. I just have to wait and see where this progresses from here and act accordingly. I'll try to keep things up to date where I can.

You have been living through some very tough times. At present you say that you are feeling a “mix of shame, anger and embarrassment”. My suggestion to you would be to try to feel NOTHING right now. You have enough to cope with in just surviving, without looking at yourself and judging yourself. Give yourself time when this is over before you look back and decide what was wrong, what was right. For now, just do what you need to do.
Lots of love for coping, Margaret

Update 6:


Doctor had called on Friday. They still could not get an MRI on her yet even though her seizures have ceased. They have her on two types of Seizure medication to keep her stable. The neurotoxicity between the sepsis, crashing blood sugar and the antibiotics used for her took a toll. Now all Mom can really do now is sleep, and she barely wakes up. The times she has, the nurses have asked what she is doing or how she is doing and she'll reply "Just getting a drink" before going back to sleep. She can't stay awake long enough to eat or drink so they've kept the feeding tube and central line in for fluid and nutrients.

The doctor went over all the possible options. They'll be talking to Mom's hand doctor about the gangrene on her fingers come Monday, and will finally be doing her MRI on Monday or later that week. Per the Doctor, if they cannot find anything treatable from the MRI beyond what they have done now they can't do much else on their end. The doctor affirmed, however, in no way shape or form is she going home with the state she is now in. An LTC will be required at this point as and they understand and agree I am not able to care for Mom to the level she needs now. Per the Doctor, people can take months to recover from seizure attacks like mom had, assuming they can or do. She'll need 24/7 monitoring at this point.

So regardless this week I find out what's next in store. It could be a hospice situation, or preparing to get her into the LTC. We will see. On the one hand I am relieved it feels like part of this nightmare is now ending, but I feel another is just beginning depending on what the doctors find this week. Wish me luck.

Update 7:

So. After posting update 6, that evening Mom's Oncologist called with the MRI results. As it stands the cancer has progressed but hasn't gone too far. However, after seeing the state mom is in, her vitals, her overall deterioration they cannot continue any treatment for her and recommend Hospice, not LTC. They gave her a month if that before passing with the state as is, and that's with the hospital's intervention.

Cut to today in the afternoon Hospice calls me. The woman (I'll refer to her as Elise) was very nice and said she actually managed to talk with Mom a bit - which is a first since she's primarily not been coherent or 'awake' enough for any real conversation. She explained the situation to me as she did with Mom; she's on a feeding tube, the only potential treatment for her fingers is amputation, and at this rate they cannot continue treatment of her cancer. Their prognosis for her is one month before she passes. Needless to say Mom was upset by this and Elise had to leave to room and called me to go over details.

While Mom can still answer who she is and where she is, she couldn't answer to the extent of her medical history. To quote Elise, when Mom was told just what all had happened she replied, 'I didn't realise it was that bad..' and became upset shortly after. I could rant about how I've been telling her for months it's been that bad but it's beating a dead horse at this point, pardon the term. When asked who could make decisions for her when she lacks the capability she stated 'My daughter, but she'll probably put that back on me anyways.' I did inform Elise that I will make the decision when the time comes, and she affirmed they do not think Mom will have the capacity to really make a decision for herself in the coming days. She is eligible for a Hospice House/Care and knows of the facility I would hopefully have mom cared for in. Elise, when asked about her status, stated it's a 'down turn'. The fact is if she tried rehab she'd have to have a feeding tube surgically put in her since she hasn't been eating food in some time, and IVs for her hydration. She would have to have her fingers amputated for the gangrene which I believe they are hesitating on doing due to her status, and based on how things are going, she is not going to get any better. As it stands, there is no way possible Mom can come home at any point. She will need to be in a facility.

I do have some concerns Mom may try to drag this out in some way but - what else can be done now? It's either Hospice, or she can try an LTC facility but I'm unsure if the latter is even viable now with her state. It's still a shock she roused for that conversation but reaction does not mean recovery.

Right now I'm feeling a bit empty over all this. Stuck in limbo until a decision is made. Being told my Mom, who I still love despite all the abuse that's gone on, may not last another month is hard as is. The part that messes with me, though, is I don't want to see her within that month. Mainly because I know what will happen- she will lash out, accuse me of leaving her to die alone, etc. etc. It's just not safe. All I want is for a final answer to be given, and this to be over with. So she can be at peace, and I can be at peace. I'm not sure what sort of daughter that makes me, but I imagine both my therapist and God will answer that in time.

Thank you all again for your kindness. I'll still keep updates here and then when able but it looks like we finally have an answer. All we have to do now is wait till the decision is made.

I have just read update 7.
My heart goes out to you.
Your gut instincts were correct - it's bad.

"Right now I'm feeling a bit empty over all this."

Perfectly understandable. Feeling empty seems.. I dunno.. not regretful.. just empty. I think that is totally ok. Just wait & see what feelings start to arise in time.

".. she will lash out, accuse me of leaving her to die alone, etc. etc.
.. It's just not safe".

Your need for safety IS important.

I personally think being mindful of your well-being at this time is respectful to your self-care. Go with your gut instinct.

Either way, seeing her (high risk of being lashed out at) or not seeing her, either way may bring strong feelings up.

Out of options: visit or not visit, a 3rd option could be *managed visits*. I've seen this work well.

Visits are short & well timed to be when Mom is calm, preferably just after pain relief has been given.

This takes some good communication with Nursing staff, possibly a Manager or regular nurse who has got to see Mom across a few shifts & moods.
Eg Is today a good day? Has Mom been restful after lunch most days? If yes, go then. If restless/aggitated in later afternoon, avoid that time.

If you would like to see her again, I’d suggest going in with ear plugs in. You can see her, say anything want to, give her a kiss – whatever you want. You won’t hear any rants. If she looks placid, you have the option of taking the ear plugs out if you want to do that. You will be able to say to yourself and anyone else, that you did go to see her when she had been told how little time she has. An option?

Be aware that any facilities she enters to get hospice care are not paid by Medicare. Just the Hospice service. When it comes to a Hospice home, for Medicare to pay you have to be actively dying. Check that out. If Hospice says that the hospice facility will be covered, thats were I would place her. If she has the money to pay for the facility, place her. My Aunt was in one and we were told it was very nice.

Your ordeal will be over in the very near future. You now need to decide how much more you can stand to do for your mother and how you will feel about these decisions after she is gone. Only you can decide this.

Update 8 - Final:

She's gone.

Last Friday we were submitting paperwork for Hospice covered under her insurance. We wouldn't really know or hear anything till after the Labor Day Weekend. I come into work this morning and I got the call from the hospital. She's passed before hospice could be decided.

I suppose this ends the saga, now. I know what needs to be done, funerary and will wise. I just wished it didn't end this way. Though I feel, looking back now from when I first made this post to now, it was an inevitability.

Thank you all for your kind advice, comfort, and well wishes. This forum has helped in so many ways to maintain myself through this whole ordeal. I'll still be sticking around to offer my own advice/comfort where I can. Until then I just have to take it a day at a time, and get the Estate in order.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.