Over the past year and a half my mother's health has been deteriorating. Currently she has gangrene left untreated in one hand, and refused further cancer treatment for the nodules in her chest. Both require a hospital stay but she has refused to go each time. She has gotten to the point that she can barely get out of bed, and refuses to let me try to clean her room, her sheets, herself or any hygienic care needed to the point she now has bed sores. I have been getting her food she requests (Usually from restaurants or fast food, she hasn't eaten anything I've cooked for her), getting her clean clothes, her incontinence pads, making sure I get her medications refilled, and making sure the bills are paid for the house and utilities and trying to maintain a clean home. Now she is starting to demonstrate hallucinations, at one point thinking someone had called and talked to her on the phone that was now in her trash can. (There wasn't a phone in there, and per our caller ID no one called except me to try and call her back when she called me at work and I missed it and didn't leave a voice message.) Then she began accusing me of starving her when I have receipts showing I bought food for her and brought it to her, but she'll only eat a few bites then tell me to put it away, and then doesn't want to eat it anymore the next day. I've begun documenting when I get her food now and what it is, what date, and what time because I am terrified and can't trust her recollection/memory anymore.
She needs to go to the hospital. Her doctors have told her this but she has refused multiple times. I've found out she had been lying to me this whole time about her calling and talking to her doctors for months. The biggest issue happened while I was away at work (I work full time, 8-5 mon through friday - and mon, wed, friday I'm generally not home till 630 to 7ish to take care of personal errands. She is aware of this schedule and I make sure when home her needs are met.) She had apparently fallen out of bed and couldn't get up. I came home and immediately called emsa. She claimed she fell around 1am but that was not true as I checked in on her before leaving for work at 7 and she was sound asleep in her bed. Emsa couldn't take her because she was able to answer their clarity questions, but she was willing to go until they told her she couldn't smoke infront of her oxygen tank and she then threatened to punch one of them.
Now I had her yelling for me at 8am in the morning to get her taco bell and when I told her she was having a hard time keeping solids down, maybe try some ensure first, she threatened to call the cops on me for Elder Neglect. I'm at my wits end. I can't be a full time caregiver for her, and I'm terrified of going to prison despite doing my best to help my mother even though she refuses at every turn to be seen at the hospital. She can't even stay out of her bed long enough for me to change out her soiled sheets or try to clean up her area. Any other family we have either are in the same boat or too far away to come get her, either.
I am drowning in anxiety over all this. I've gone so far as to call her doctor and spoke with social services with the hospital to have it on record how dire the situation is but I don't know what else to do. If I leave I can be charged for abandonment, if I don't do everything at her beck and call she will call the police on me for neglect. I worry if I get APS involved and they see the state of her and her room despite my explanations of why they will take her away and have me charged. I do not have a POA or Guardianship on her, nor am I a conservator. I'm just a very frazzled and terrified daughter at her wits end and do not see a light at the end of the tunnel. For now I'm continuing to document and record conversations with her, I even tried to get other family members involved to see if they can convince her to go but no dice.
If anyone has advice or suggestions please help.
Blessings to you. I am sorry for your loss. You fought a tough battle every day for a long time.
Please be gentle to yourself over the next several months.
I pray you have strength over the next several weeks to get through arrangements.
So sorry your mom’s illness and passing were so difficult. Please take extreme care of yourself. You have been through so much. May she find peace and you as well.
May The Lord give you strength, peace and comfort during this new season in life.
I just went through this with my father about two years ago and I know that my mother is suffering from dementia however like yours, she refuses all medical care. The sheriffs have been called. They will not 5150 her because she has not threatened suicide and has not threatened me directly. Its heartbreaking, frustrating and incredibly exhausting. Hang in there and try to take care of yourself in this