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Can afford assisted living but are angry and resentful about having to move from lifelong home. However, they hint that they would move in with me. I am just as isolated so I would be their only source of socialization. I work from home and they would not have a separate living space. I would also have to cook their meals, laundry, clean up after them and take care of all appointments. How can I do that and work full time?


The guilt is overwhelming me.


Has anyone used a geriatric care manager for home services to avoid assisted living?

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If they can afford caregivers to come in and help that would be a great way to deal with this.
BUT is the house safe for them? Stairs? Bathrooms large enough to have more than 1 person in the bathroom and possibly a walker or a wheelchair?
It sounds like moving in with you would NOT be an option.
If they are willing to move in with you that means they are willing to move. I would think that if they tried Assisted Living they would get used to it. If you can get them to try AL for a week or two they might change their minds. Many places will do a "Respite" stay for a week or 2 with the hope that when the decision is made you will choose the place that they stayed at and they know.

There is NOTHING for you to feel guilty about.

And there is no need for a Geriatric Care Manager for home services. That is easily arranged through an Agency. The GCM would be to help coordinate doctor visits, accompany them to visits and relay medical information to you if needed. But if they are cognizant there is no need for that. A caregiver from an agency can drive them to appointments. As long as that is one of the aspects of care that you arrange with the agency when you contract with them.
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EllenCaruso Apr 2021
Thank you for responding and for your support! It helps just knowing that there are folks like you that can see more clearly from the edges or from the other side while I wade through my personal muck. I appreciate the GCM information, because my parents think that a GCM may have a magic answer [to make them 65 again].
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Guilt? Are you a felon? Or are you just a daughter grieving your parent's losses? Because if the latter is the case, then it is another G word you are feeling. I seriously doubt you are an evil felon; so I am choosing grief for what you feel, and encouraging you to look on your parents when they must make this move as facing a life passage that cannot be avoided when we live to this age. As far as the cooking goes, I don't care to cook all that much anymore either. And my partner and I eat different meals at different hours by personal choice and some medical issues he has with GERD. So that's normal. The microwave becomes easier and cooking the rare adventure for us at 79 and 80. If it is only that, and they can maintain at home with a bit of help, I would allow that to be the way until the move is necessary.
I sure do wish you luck. Stop with the guilt thing, though, as that's just a burden you don't need to shoulder when really this is all about grief and loss and the inevitability that we bump up against out own limitations in life.
I would stop the hints, myself. I consider it false hope. I would say lovingly that I would never abandon and would always hope to be able to help, but that I have many limitations, and one of them is that I could not live with anyone at all very easily, even a life partner, and definitely wouldn't want to try to live with a parent due to the fact that the needs WILL escalate with great certainty, and I a would not want to deal with that. I have no real problem saying what my limitations are. They are human. I am a human. And not a Saint. Were I a Saint they would have long ago shot me full of arrows, killed me, stuffed my body in some glass case and continued to pray to me to fix EVERYTHING here on earth for them.
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EllenCaruso Apr 2021
Thank you for giving me perspective. I naturally default to guilt but you are absolutely correct that this is grief and I will redirect my energy to healing rather than gutting myself.
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Tell them living with you is not an option. They need more care than u possibly can give. Tell them they can afford help or go to a nice Assisted Living. But you need to work and your house is not big enough for you all to have your privacy.
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Thanks everyone!
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"I am just as isolated so I would be their only source of socialization. I work from home and they would not have a separate living space. I would also have to cook their meals, laundry, clean up after them and take care of all appointments."

Oooookay. So that sounds like an incredibly bad idea for all three of you, then.

"The guilt is overwhelming me."

The guilt involved in rejecting... an incredibly bad idea? Why so?

Your parents would have a crappy time if they moved in with you. They don't want to do that. So forget it, guilt-free.

They don't either, apparently, want to move away from the home they love; but they are now struggling to sustain their habitual lifestyle. They have no cognitive deficits, so this is as a matter of moral and legal fact their problem; but certainly it might be a good idea to research support services in their area.

What sort of area do they live in? Please don't say it's up a mountain in the middle of a forest with not a grocer or a laundry within twenty miles..?
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rovana Apr 2021
I've heard that the "remote exurban or rural" home problem is growing. An it really can be insoluble to "age in place' unless you are very wealthy.
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Unsteady? Expect falls. Isolated? Do they live in an isolated area? Non-driving? Do they have groceries and supplies delivered? How do they get to medical appointments?

Advice? You know the answer is that them moving in with you is NOT a good idea.

Since they have no cognitive deficits, they make all of their own decisions, correct?

What is their financial situation? Are you an only child?
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Ellen, glad you are getting past the gult.

Find the number for their local Area Agency on Aging. Arrange (or have your parents arange) a needs assessment. Having an outside professional opinion as to what they actually require in terms of support will be a starting point for you all.

Do they have access to cabs or a senior ride service?

A GCM could be a good idea. S/he can present options to your parents with no possibility of guilt.

Also, consider the idea of a temporary move, a trial run during the winter or rainy season is one thought, to an Independent Living facility. We got my mother into one "just until the Spring" and she liked it so much she stayed. 3 meals, housekeeping, activities and stimulating new people. It was a win-win.
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All of you living together is definitely a bad idea. You work full time and now you would add the extra chores of cleaning cooking and transportation for them?? Superwoman will burnout very quickly..... guaranteed so don't even consider going down that road..... it's and ugly road and leads to burnout, negative feelings and despair.

Sounds like your parents are not cognitively impaired. I have a feeling that they are with it and are missing their 50 year old bodies. So are many of us but moving in with our kids is not going to restore those bodies. Since they no longer drive, it sounds like they need to be physically closer to transportation and services so relocation to a really nice AL might be a good idea. If it can be afforded (and that's a question because the entry fees can be formidable) I personally am a fan of CCRCs (continuing care retirement communities)with sound financial histories, because they can support a person throughout any medical/memory issues that can come down the pike since they start with independent living and go through skilled nursing/long term care.
I don't think they actually need a GCM but it might be an idea to go with (as long as you find and make they appointment because a GCM can access their current home and living situation. They may have all sorts of issues for and older couple (scatter rugs, stairs and fall issues, bathrooms that are not wheelchair accessible, etc). Now if the GCM makes the suggestion about a possible move to an older care community, it might have more force and resonate better than the same suggestion coming from you. Should your parents complain to the GCM that you are not taking care of them (i.e. sharing your room, playing maid and cook) the GCM can easily point out that you will visit and keep in touch. She/he can also remind them that they need to make sure they have their final documents ( will, DPOA and advanced directive up to date) and that lastly you are working and deserve the opportunity to be a loving daughter, not a stressed out caregiver and remind them..... if something happens to you...... who will look after their interests.

Wishing you peace and luck on this journey. Please keep us updated.
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MaryKathleen Apr 2021
geddyupgo, I love your name. I have had two friends over the years that had bad luck with CCRCs. both sets after paying all of their money up front to join the community, had the place go bankrupt and the company that bought them out refused to honor their contract. So to me the last part of your statement, "CCRCs (continuing care retirement communities)with sound financial histories," should be in huge bold letters. MAKE SURE THE PLACE HAS A SOUND FINANCIAL HISTORY. By the way, one belonged to a church, one was for military only.
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You can't do it all and work too, not without potentially hurting YOURSELF. I say this as someone who tried, working part time, remotely from the elder parents home. I didn't mind giving back for all they have done for me while my out of state sibling does nothing and doesn't care about anyone but herself. Serioiusly, as I've mentioned prior, I truly nearly died. I wanted to do it all, and do it well, but the needs increase and although it is my 98 year old mother with dementia and of late some bowel control issues, I have days when I really wonder which of them is the greater challenge. My fathers capacity to think through the consequences of his actions is like having a hyperactive 2 year old at times.
So here's what I would suggest. Can you sell their home and use the proceeds for a small granny flat or add on suite to your home? In the meantime, here are some other thoughts:
Your local area agency on aging should be able to provide a guide or the names of more local resources for all they may need. Housekeeping, transportation etc. If you get a geriatric care manager they may help, but you'll just be paying a fee for what you could do on your own. UNless you want someone to do it for you, and if you would want someone popping in regularly to check on them.
Meals on wheels is another thought, as well as some easily heated home delivered frozen meals or restaurant delivery. Yes, even though you might be present, you can still get them, so that burden is off of you as far as cooking.
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MaryKathleen Apr 2021
I would not consider the granny flat. There could be tax ramifications and Medicaid problems. The other is their needs will increase and to me it is just asking to be the full time, burned out, caregiver.
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NO GUILT!! You didn't DO anything bad!

Just be very, very firm with your folks. They can still make decisions and choices for themselves.

There's delicious MOW's---(that alone would encourage me to cook!)

Most grocery stores carry pre-made dinners--all they require is heating up. Add bagged pre mixed salads and veggies and dinner is a snap. (I, too, am sick to death of cooking!) I would help them shop for things they can microwave or heat up in the oven. Plan a week's menu, get all the stuff, even do some prep for them if they are incapable..then walk away.

OF COURSE they want to stay in their own home forever. everybody does. But it's not realistic for a LOT of people. we're getting ready to 'downsize' which is a laugh b/c our current home is only 1800 sf. What we WANT is few to no stairs..and upstairs laundry and a double car garage. Hardly the Taj Mahal. Just something easier on me to keep up. A MIL apartment for CG's should that become a neccesity.

I love my little home, but do not love the yard and all the stairs. (More than 50!) Plus parking in the driveway and being the one who shovels snow.

Mostly I don't want to be a bother to my kids!
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🎉 Celebrate the positives - your folks long lives, good health & still sharp wits.

Empathise with them that our lives change. Always has. Always will. Old age comes to the ones who live long enough!

May they continue to live peacefully & happily in their own home, for a long time too... using taxis, meal deliveries, home cleaning etc. That's the way to stay INDEPENDANT as you age: choosing your helpers.

Kind of like a 🥪💩🥪 + 🍒.

Now moving in with an adult offspring & expecting that offspring to be maid/cook/cleaner/nurse/chauffeur would be called ENTITLED. And it would make them quite DEPENDANT. People who insist on this may have good cognition... but I would say low empathy to not understand/care how this effects their chosen caregiver.

"are angry and resentful about having to move from lifelong home".

OK. So what is it they REALLY want?

To be young & fit again?
Do they fear loss of control of their lives?
Are they starting to grieve over their home?
All very valid feelings.

🍒 Use your empathy to sit & listen to what they REALLY want. You may find they have ideas already about what they will accept & what they will not.

I found my Mother resistant to meal delivery & home help. But the REAL options were to Age in Place with home services or Move into Care.

That then became an easier decision for her - stay home but accept services 😉. But a different family member valued her own smaller space she could manage herself so downsized from a big family home into a retirement apartment (with AL & NH on site).

Sorry for the essay! This is a topic close to my heart & I truly feel for those embarking on this journey.
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rovana Apr 2021
Excellent post! Get to the real issues. No one likes old age, death, illness, etc. But that is life! So if you live into old age you have to deal with these issues. Digging in your heels will not make the realities go away. And trying to guilt others into "wallpapering" to accommodate your denial is a kind of abuse IMO.
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Is it possible to hire in home care for them so they can stay safely in their home?
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Juse hire a Caregiver to go by a couple hrs a day.

Order groceries to be delivered with easy meals that are microwaved.

Set up cameras in the home so you can check on them anytime 24 7.

Hire a Live In.

Sell their home and add on a room to your place.

If your renting and work from home,, move in with them and hire help.
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rovana Apr 2021
Trying to work fulltime (or even part time) from home can be very difficult indeed. Older generation thinks in terms of "if you work you go out to the workplace - if you are at home you are not "really" working." Crazy I know.
But enforcing "work time - do not disturb me" is hard.
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Living with you is not an option. You would be taking on a full-time caregiver roll and it will interfere with your work from home schedule. Are MOW available in your area? That would get them one balanced meal mid-day and see about getting help in for a few hours to prepare an evening meal and assist with cleaning and laundry. Offer to do their shopping or take them with you when you go. A friend has a standing date with his mother to assist with her shopping. They got to lunch and then to the store. It's time spent together and getting a task done. When you make your meals make extra and take some to them. Go there one night a week and cook for them, have mom share a favorite recipe and then ask her to teach you how to make it. When my mother needed some help I spent Saturday paying bills and sorting pills for the week and doing her shopping, we sometimes got out for lunch or dinner. Sunday I cooked a big meal, usually a chicken. The rest of the week she had a couple of extra meals out of that and then made soup.
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As a 77 year old married to an 86 year old, who now has mobility issues, I find this VERY interesting. It is scary to make these moves ; it is starting on the slippery slope to death. Actually, the slope starts at birth, but it is more obvious now. If you find a GCM who can reverse aging PUBLISH the name! I think the winter visit to an AL to test is a great idea on someone's part. A big concern is making the move, selling out, and finding you don't like it. I haven't gotten angry yet about aging and dying, but it may come. Good luck to us all. I'd tell my Mom "I can imagine how you feel, and will feel the same when I am in your place."
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Moxies, my brother came up with the idea, the fiction, if you will, that mom's move was going to be temporary, just for the NorEaster season. I think in her heart, mom knew this too.

But was it did, usefully, for ALL of us, was to break the whole situation down into manageabme pieces.

I think ALL of us, the idea of cleaning out mom's house, selling it and moving her was aountain too high to climb.

This fiction allowed us to move her with just her winter clothes and basic supplies into a repite studio apartment in a very nice complex.

Mom was able to acclimate, see what sorts of units and setups other folks had. She realized that she wanted to be on the first floor, near the dining room, no elevator. She like being in the front where she could look out on the parking lot and see the comings and goings. She wanted a separate bedroom, not a studio and not a 2 bedroom.

Since this complex (had AL and IL) had a geriatrics doc with an office on site and a geriatric psychiatrist who visited regularly, mom was able to walk to her own medical appointments and actually gained MORE independence than she'd had at home.

We were able to clear her house out slowly over the course of 3 years and actually didn't sell it until about 6 months before she died.
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You may be feeling guilty because you sense an obligation you may not be able to fulfill. Your parents may expect you to care for them... and you work full time. You may wish to fulfill your parents' wishes but are unable to do so. So, you feel stress. Acknowledge that the stress is not guilt but a realization that some things may need to change. Those changes can take many forms.

The goal is to make sure your parents are safe in their living situation and healthy. If they can afford somebody, not you, to come clean their home weekly, then set up a cleaning service. If they can afford meal deliveries and/or microwaveable meals, then set that up. If they are sharp enough to reliably relate their medical issues to their doctors, then set up transportation to and from appointments. If they need more socialization, enlist the help of family members, friends, members of faith community, and paid help to "visit" them and bring activities into their lives. Of course, they can also use Uber or Lyft to go places they need to go. If they are unsteady on their feet, a doctor can make a referral to physical therapy for evaluation and treatment and training is use of a walker. Being older does not mean being incapable of living alone and neither does gait problems. If they no longer are healthy or safe in their home, then it might be time to look into a different living situation.

If your parents can not afford the services above, it is time for a series of conversations. Explain your concerns to them and their needs as you perceive them. Explain that you want to be involved in helping them. Let them know your current work situation would not allow them to move in with you. Ask them what types of help do they feel they need. Ask them to verbalize what their home means to them - stability, security, independence...? Talk with them about meeting those needs in other ways - senior community, assisted living, full care residences. It would be most helpful to actually research ant talk to local resources before you have this heart to heart talk with your parents.
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I had a similar situation with my parents. My parents initially asked me to move in with them and sell my place. I was working full-time and I did not want to do that. They ended up on their own deciding to move into a retirement village in the independent care area. That means that they have their own apartment and they go down to the dining room for food. There are a bunch of scheduled activities that they can participate in. My mother was very sick at the time so it was my dad‘s decision to move to independent living. My mother died six months later and that was three years ago. Ever since then my father has just complained nonstop about living there. He wants to spend his remaining money on living on his own in an apartment with a cook and a cleaning lady to come in. So I would recommend independent living if your parents are social. If they are not social, I would recommend hiring a cook and a cleaning person for them at their current home. This site provides help in getting free non-medical home health care and also has a checklist that you can print off for the questionnaire to ask prospective caregivers. It’s a free service so it’s worth it. My advice is never under any circumstance, let them move in with you. Since my mother died my dad has been a constant drain on my ability to care for him. I have created a monster in that I have taken him to doctors appointments and provided additional food and anything else that his little heart desired after my mom passed. He feels that I am his person to do for him at a moments notice. Now he wants to move into his own apartment and he thinks that I will cook and clean and do whatever he needs. It’s a disgusting and sad situation. He’s 95 and I don’t think he will ever die. There is nothing wrong with him. He is a bit unsteady on his feet but his mind is sharp. Caregiving is hard and it is draining. Let them hire somebody to do what they need for them. The caregiver does not have the emotional connection that you do and you will benefit from knowing they have care.
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rovana Apr 2021
Kiki - what on earth should OP be ashamed of? It is her narcissist dad who should be very ashamed, of having dished out a lifetime of emotion abuse! By refusing to enable this, one is actually "honoring" a parent - doing the honorable thing in not enabling/encouraging selfish egotistical behavior. Paying attention to the spiritual moral welfare of a parent IS HONORING them. (I'm referring here to elders that are mentally competent.) I believe we all will stand before the Lord and it is vital to prepare for that day. And we should all support each other in moral integrity. That is honoring each other.
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Honor thy mother and father. I’m taking care and living with my 95 year old mom. It is what it is. Let them move in with you. You’ll be rewarded and never have a day of guilt when they pass on.
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Midkid58 Apr 2021
Oh, Kiki--

It is your choice to have a parent live with you. Good for you and your ability to do so.

I would say, in all honesty, that MOST of the people on this board cannot/will not bring an aging parent into their homes and give up THEIR lives for them. Not b/c they are bad people, but b/c it's HARD....impossible in a lot of cases.

I spent 2 hrs with my mom yesterday and then the rest of the day with a migraine. In what way is that helpful to ANYONE?

My mom has been living with my YB's family for 25 years. He is in very poor health and we are worried he will outlive HER--and his wife will move mom out in a NY second if that happens. There is so much resentment going on---mother is a difficult patient and there isn't any joy and not a heck of a lot of love going on.

PLease don't come here and post a holier-than-thou statement. One size DOES NOT fit all--and people who are currently burned to a crisp due to FT CG hear it and feel worse.

You have your dynamic and if it works for you, great. Reading your short post make me grind my teeth. I'm sure I'm not the only one.
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Honestly you probably won't like my answer. But I was in the same situation, EXCEPT my parents refused to move in with me. Husband and I had to move 3000 miles and move in with them. It's been difficult, to say the least. Dad died of cancer last year so no longer can even help with Mom on dialysis. He always tried to help, bless his heart. Mom is controlling, selfish and I'm pretty sure she's a narcissist. But I don't feel right about her having to spend the rest of her days in an assisted living when she just refuses to go. I do have medical power of attorney so could insist, but I think it's wrong to put your parents away somewhere against their will. She raised me when I was a baby, now it's my turn. Yes it's difficult and we're "missing" our own retirement but that's just the way it is. My one sister is to sick to help, the other one (who lives only five miles away) refuses to help except 4 hours a week. We take our happiness where we can find it. Just my two cents worth
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rovana Apr 2021
I believe you are doing what you think is right. But consider another point of view. Don't we all have to do things "against our will"? Actually, is that not the mark of adult thinking, vs. childish "I want what I want". We are not entitled to expect everything to go the way we want. Issues of old age decline, health problems, are just a part of life really. Keep in mind that raising a baby is not the same thing at all as dealing with an aging adult, especially if there are narcissist issues. You might consider that thinking you are entitled to engulf your child's life would mean that you are raising livestock, not children. And finally, I believe that we should think very carefully before we enable what is actually, in a mentally competent person, sinful selfish behavior. Would it not be a good thing as you near the end of your life, to "clean up your act" -as the saying goes?
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Well learn from someone who is now facing serious illness from the stress of live in caregiving. IF you do this, you must have help. I was isolated also, and now that I need people to help me with my illness- well you can figure it out. Calling in a manager would be a good idea, but unless you want to end up constantly stressed out, you will need help. Maybe adult daycare during the day, but definitely someone to come in for respite and even Palliative care would be good. I looked after two parents with very little help and people kept telling me, this is not good for your health, but limited resources. You know how caregivers often say, well I hope there is someone to look after me as well as I looked after them? In my case, there is not. I care about my parents being comfortable and didn't want them in a nursing home, but I remember a nurse saying to me, ' what if YOU are the one who ends up there instead?' Please take my advice. This is exhausting, lonely, and often depressing work.
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Thank you everyone who answered Ellen's dilemma because I am facing a similar situation with my 93 year old mother. There are so many things here that really changed my perspective on this.
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EllenCaruso: Imho, If your parents can afford an AL, "hint" that they would move in with (you)," but you work full time, then you have your answer. It is IMPERATIVE that you not hold on to guilt, else it causes you to fall ill. Your parents may be able to live in place by utilizing meal delivery service, uber/lifts/taxi service, etc. IF they do not want to opt for an AL.
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Don't let them move in with you. My mom refused help from anyone other than my 2 brothers and I or my niece. She fell daily and since I was only 8 or so miles from her, I was the one on call 24/7. We spent many nights in the er while they did xrays, set bones, put braces on, etc only to have her yank them off too soon. She was finally told by the doctor that one more fall, one more threat of killing herself and she would be put in a NH. She didn't believe it but, just before Christmas 2016, she fell again inside this time. She messed up her shoulder and wrists. Doctor told them not to let her leave. 3 days later, she was placed in a NH for rehab. That turned into MC then LTC. I was still taking her for dr appts, visiting 1 or 2 times a week, paying her bills, husband and I did upkeep on her property weekly, I shopped for items that were taken or stolen from her.

During this time, my husband was diagnosed with dementia and early onset alzheimers. He also fell and broke his shoulder and was forced to retire. He became meaner and resentful of everyone. Mom passed just before Christmas of 2018 and I was diagnosed with cancer in my colon. While in the hospital, my husband went on a spree looking up women I found out he was seeing while working. I came home from hospital to a house where my items were packed away because he decided "when I get you well, you're out of here". I called he neurologist and they increased the dosage on his meds. It took about 4-6 months before he actually became a decent human. I now resent the time I spend caring for him. I have lost my friends, given up my volunteer work, seldom see our children and an outing for me is a drs office, pharmacy or grocery store. I was recently told it appeared I had contracted covid at the end of 2019 and it was continuing to destroy my lungs. I need a knee replacement too and I have NO ONE to care for me and he can't. He can't drive anymore.
We instructed our children to put us in a NH no matter how we argue once the doctor says it's time. We've paid for final expenses already.
Don't move them in with you please.
I have to stop myself from getting in my car and driving into oblivion for a few weeks. Our dreams and plans are nothing but dreams now. Don't do that to yourself.
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Beatty Apr 2021
I truly hope you can find & use good residential respite for your husband (if he is still at home). He can get used to being cared for others (multiple times a year) & you get SOLID time to revive & survive this. Or maybe long term care now?

Go for that drive, but PLEASE just for a peaceful weekend away! Somewhere that restores you, beach/mountains/lake/desert, or maybe to enjoy a hobby. There was a poster recently who wanted to get back to quilting weekends with girlfriends. That sounded lovely.

I have also instructed our kids to place us in NHs if advised to. I have seen just too many people lose their reason & empathy - I knew my own Mother had lost these when wanting me to care for her + dis sib & to abandon my own children to do so - her own grandchildren. Her younger self always was against being a 'burden' & would be horrified at that thinking.
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Ellen, just wanted to add that the conversation (or THE CHAT) about the aging parents future plans takes on average SIX TIMES to make a dint (through the denial).

This was told to me by a counceling service & also conformed by a social worker. I was originally shocked.

But after a LOT more than 6 chats, phone, in person, then intervention with social worker - I believe it! I have only seen acceptance of more home services for now, still no future plans. I now believe some people just can not or will not plan. Doctor called my situation now *awaiting a crises*. Said doctors said these folk who refused to move or accept help had *the right to rot*.

Hopefully that does NOT describe where your folks are, or will be!

If AL is the direction, it's not all about losing one's home either... it can also be about gaining a community & security. Glass half full 😇

I hope you have success with 'the chat'.
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They are unlikely to be happier living with you. It still won’t be their own home.

You, and they, are likely to discover you have a disconnect in your lives and lifestyles from the years of you having grown up and moved away from your childhood life, and the disconnect and differences will grate on all of you. How many TVs does your house have? What shows must be (probably loudly) watched that you don’t want to watch? Which shows do you want to watch that they won’t like? All things that will grate on all of you. How high or low should the thermostat be set?

They are your parents, and by default are going to want to be in charge of you and your life and lifestyle. On top of being their child, you are going to be their servant. They are not going to respect your work-from-home job hours and need to be left undisturbed to do it. Won’t happen.

When taking care of elderly parents in one’s own home was more common, families were bigger and more generations lived together or nearby. Fewer adult women had outside jobs. There were more people to share the load. Even the very elderly used to be able to help out, keep busy, and feel useful, on farms in ways they can’t in a smaller city/suburban house. You will have to take on the work load of many people alone, in a house not designed for it.

It is likely you won’t be happier if you move them in, though you may have the feeling of satisfaction that you did your duty toward them. The other question is, will they be happier?
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