Why can't parents accept that they have become elderly?

A wise colleague once told me my efforts in a particular situation were "like trying to teach a pig to sing. Now it's mad and it still can't sing"

Not only are they not old, they fail to see you as an adult. You are still wet behind the ears. A whipper-snapper. So if they are 90 something, you are merely a 60 something Twit and will always be a Twit. LOL.

I suppose no one wants to face the grim reality that the end of their life is drawing near and that they may go through it with far less than ideal health.

I think also that there are so many pre-conceived notions about what elders are supposed to be like and do that it can create resentment from those who are pre-judging.

There's also the fear of how much decline will take place, how much mobility will be limited, life in a facility instead of home, not to mention the ego aspect of becoming less than you have been all your life.

I know it isn't something I want to think about! But I'm having to face it with my father who still insists on doing things that aren't safe. He feels he knows himself well enough to handle these tasks, and he may to a certain extent, but there are always frailties that don't pop up like a computer printout to warn him what to watch out for.

There's also some delusion involved, I think, as a way of rejecting the fact that one is becoming more limited and will need help.

Back in the early 2000s I had just started a new job at a law firm and was the oldest person there. One of the secretaries, a rather precocious and self-absorbed one, had the audacity to ask why I was even working in my 50's and why I wasn't ready to retire.

The question was so stupid that I didn't even bother to answer.

Oh brother. I can so relate to this. My Mom and Dad are 85 and 81 respectively. They are both in total denial about their age, physical limitations and trouble with finances. The money thing is affecting Dads ability to get proper care. Too much in property assets to qualify for aide but nothing liquid. Neither one will talk about it. Dad is in rehab from sepsis and barely able to walk...When we try to bring the subject up he tells us to butt-out, he has a five year plan. Sigh

As a smart little six year old once said "you can lead a horse to water, but how?"

I can relate. My mother has dementia and is very frail, and still lives alone, "independently" as she calls it -- but she relies on her neighbors and me to handle her household maintenance, finances, etc. I tried to have the conversation with her about moving to AL, and the only result is that she trusts me even less than she did before.
She and my father did make some good arrangements re-their final wishes, and they were truly awesome about saving and investing, so that is a huge relief. But when I took over her finances, I discovered a lot of mess and disorganization, and a lot of questions which can now not be answered by her.
And the STUFF -- don't get me started on their STUFF!!! They weren't hoarders, but have accumulated a lifetime of stuff, and my mother never got rid of anything. So that will be a huge undertaking. When I can't sleep (which is often), instead of counting sheep, I plan out exactly how I will get rid of their stuff, step by step....

Because age involves a lot of losses ... loss of people you love, loss of good friends to death, loss of physical attributes/youth which this culture prizes, loss of health (one thing after another ... not easy) and the final loss, death. Easy to say accept until it happens to you and if you live long enough, it will. It can be merciless.
"Aging Ain't For Sissies", Betty Davis.

My mom and her sisters are all like that - total denial. One of them was angry with me for suggesting that mom's house needed ramps and the throw rugs had to go because they are a fall hazard. My mom fell often and hard when she lived in her home. I expected her to use a Hoverround type thing soon. It's great but it doesn't go up & down stairs! That same aunt would rather see her mobility disappear than use assistive equipment. "What will people think when they see me in a chair in town?!?" Well, they aren't going to think "why is that young young woman in a chair?". They ARE going to think "Good for you granny!"

My mom has shot herself and her finances in the foot. If she had been willing to work with me and the bank years ago, she would have a lot more funds to use now that she is in nursing home care. But nope. She might have a year of money available now. There will be no inheritance. Every penny there is will be used to private pay until Medicaid can kick in. There are no trusts, no annuities, no gifted money. The real property will have to be sold. We are past the point of no return now, and it's sad. I know my dad worked his tail off for decades so there would be some kind of legacy to pass on, and there won't be in terms of money or stuff. All because mom got her heels dug in and refused to act like a grown up and do the appropriate things for her assets. Or let anyone else on her behalf. I can't even gripe to her about it because of the dementia.

Sometimes I wonder if it is cultural and generational. Both of my grandmothers accepted the aging process. They never denied it and my parents never tried to shield them from it. My Dads mother lived to be 99 and she referred to herself as an old woman from the age of 60 yet she maintained a spark for life until the day she died. Both my grandmothers talked about the sadness of losing loved ones and the loss of their youth but they did not dwell.

My parents generation on the other hand... oh brother! Both sets of my inlaws who are gone now (I've been married twice) AND my own parents resist/resisted any kind an elder identity and refuse/refused to adapt.

Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that our society seems to worship youth more and more and the worth of our elders has been diminished. I have a friend from India and one day she asked me why our old people try to pretend they are not old. She said that in her culture old people accept the position of elder with pride. Yes this is just one person and she does not in anyway speak for all of Indian culture but I did find her question interesting.

It is the same argument about quitting your job to be a stay at hom mom or put baby into some sort of daycare. Loud fights are had, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Some of us have to work, but would have LOVED to stay home and have groceries, or stayed home part time. Some of the SAHMs I knew would have LOVED to get a job because they realized they really didn't enjoy child rearing. They loved their children and being a mom but didn't derive personal fulfillment out of playdoh and poop. They craved adult interaction and mental stimulation. Neither one is wrong. Neither one is the right thing for every body.

I am super SUPER grateful we have more and better senior residential care options than ever before. A long time ago people didn't live so long with such serious conditions. People fell down in the field with "dropsy". Lots of people died from cancer, diabetes, heart attack, stroke, and other totally treatable conditions. There was not the heroic ER rescue like there is today.

Today we are looking at a full time caregiving obligation that can last 8-20 years. TWENTY YEARS of care giving?! I can't sign up for that. I just can't. I'm a bad person. Not unless it was one of my children. I'd do it for them. Long ago, the caregiving obligation was drastically shorter. It was a temporary thing. Ten or fifteen years of caregiving is not a temporary thing at all. When my grandmother fell ill in her later years, she was nursed in the living room of one of my aunts. And then she died. It didn't go on a year.

The blame is not women working. I hear that a lot as the core problem at hand (e.g. why babies have to be in daycare...) and it isn't the problem. We don't live in the large family groups we used to, where there were lots of family around in close proximity to come provide respite and relief - men and women. We don't live in the agriculture based groups we used to, where there is some flexibility in the day (or more than if you work shift work by the hour!) If it's you, your husband, kids, and now a full time care grandma or dad, there isn't anyone to fill in for the rest of the family who are missing. If it's just you and your kids & grandma, you have an impossible row to hoe. Help has to come from somewhere.

I do not want to be a burden on my children's families. I don't want to be in their home, preventing them from having hobbies and interests or fun. I don't want to need them to wipe my butt. If I get that debilitated PLEASE put me somewhere clean & safe. If I'm raving out of my mind, PLEASE sedate me. It would break my heart to think I had caused my kids & their kids resentment and heartbreak from me being needy and difficult for any amount of time.

I always say there's a reason nursing home employees work in shifts. Nobody, not even paid professionals, can perform as a full time caregiver around the clock, every day like home caregivers do. Even the professionals get a break. And if you look at how many people are involved in a resident's care, it's more than one or two people like there is at home. Make sure to count the kitchen staff, cleaners, health aids, nurses...

GA, I agree that this generation may be feeling like they're being squeezed out. But in so many families, the children are doing/have done everything they can to keep the folks at home, In my family, Mom lived with my sister and I, 6 months at a time, for nearly 18 years. We took care of absolutely everything for her, including taking her on trips. But we'd have been neglectful if we didn't address the increasing health problems and assess our ability to provide adequate care. I know she feels cast aside but we've done all we can.