My mother is driving me absolutely insane with her pessimism. I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, but she can turn a conversation about the sky being blue or my brother's wedding into "what did I do wrong to deserve this? why does everything bad happen to me?" and it is incredibly emotionally draining and manipulative. My brother and I are not allowed to have emotions or life experience of our own, because my mom twists them around on us and says "it can't be that bad because it's not like what I'm going through." I understand she has stage IV colon cancer, I understand she's in pain, but she is just absolutely awful about everything and refuses to see a therapist. How can I get her to see reason and make her realize a therapist would be beneficial?
With cancer and with any other very serious medical condition one has to find a "new normal"... that's a joke, there is no new normal as we want our old life back that we were use to for the past 60 some years.
I also went through what did I do wrong? I was doing everything right, what in the heck happened? Cancer changed the way I look, and I hate it every time I look in the mirror. I've put on weight which doesn't look good on me. I had to give up my long hiking trips because my energy disappeared.
boxesofrocks, for me the best think ever said to me by a friend when she heard I had cancer was "that must suck", right there I knew I could talk to her on my bad days. So, let Mom grumble to you, she needs to know that someone is listening.
Probably your mother is still working through the grief at her diagnosis. It is hard to see the sky as blue when your own world is black, to be excited over a wedding when you fear you may be too ill to attend, or maybe you won't be here at all. This doesn't make her the cheeriest person to be around right now, but telling her to "buck up" or "see a therapist" isn't really being helpful. Be patient. Be kind. Be willing to listen to her hopes and fears. Above all be there, both for her and for yourself.
I'm so sorry your family is struggling with this.
To be fair, I'd say that between the two of us, we have nearly equal chances of survival .. without taking some kind of intervention method(s). Care to guess whose life, pain, depression, issues, etc dominates any conversation when we're together? No one can imagine her pain; if there's any kind of pain, she's experienced it, and is the expert on it. In her mind, the world should make way, room, avenue, passage for her .. and only her. And if I should bring up or mention my cancer, she becomes distant or enraged, as though I'm taking away the attention she needs and deserves.
So, yeah ... people get negative. And it's ok to feel that way. Until it becomes obvious that being able to complain is more important than taking steps to change something (either the condition or the attitude ... BOTH have options and choices).
Personally? I'm done with the attitude and being a doormat. Right now, my focus is on me. My health, my cancer, my future, my LIFE. I'm not complaining, here. I'm making an announcement to the Universe. I'm moving forward with my life.
LadeeC
I won't deny that I sometimes make snap judgments and need to reassess my situation. Maybe I'm guilty of that this time as well.
Sometimes what we write doesn't seem as accurate as it was when we wrote it; guess those little computer gremlins have their own interpretation!
These are complicated issues, ones I think each of us address in varying ways and try to find our ways through a literal swamp of conflicting and frightening emotions.
And I don't disagree with your assessment of the OP's position, but I don't think she really understands the fear that her mother feels. I remember how terrified I was when there was once a possibility that I had to address the same diagnosis.
It was as if all the priorities of life were put into a cone, with cancer being at the bottom, and it was impossible to climb out because of the difficulty and fear of getting past the issue of cancer. Not a good comparison, but I think you can understand what I mean. The pressure of a cancer diagnosis pressed out concern for everything else and literally was like heavy, suppressive, black, malingering cloud. It was terrifying, and I had to work hard to find some stability; thinking of worse case scenarios and how mine didn't fall in that category was one way I could wade through the swamp of fears.
Thanks for the concern though.
I'm sure you'd be the first to point that the most important thing anyone can do for a loved one with this kind of diagnosis is listen. No? I'm sorry to say it, but I don't think I've ever heard anyone be so wholly, coldly unsympathetic as the OP appeared to be towards her mother. And actually, that's what made me wonder if she has in fact herself really digested the news.
http://www.cancer.org/ This is the American Cancer Society. They have much information, online support groups, hospice options for palliative care, an 800 number to call and online chat with someone to help in crisis time. Theere is also hospice and many other places they can refer her to. She needs support at this time.
Another family member has been fighting for years and refuses to give up, focusing not on the repeated recurrences but rather on how rich her life is otherwise.
And while Stage IV might be a death sentence, each person can approach it differently, especially with help from others through Gilda's Club, at which people really know cancer from having experienced it themselves or with their family.
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To be candid, I was stunned by the original post. To bewail the 'pessimism' of someone with Stage IV colon cancer? I am lost for words, I'm sorry.
Address your mother's pain and terror. And, by the way, address your mother's cancer on your own account: how do you feel about her illness and prognosis? I wonder if you've really thought it through.
And, for your information, I'm the ONLY person in my extended family who has not (yet) had cancer. I've been through a lot of different experiences and that particular approach did help, but it does depend on the individual.
You misinterpreted my comments.
She wants to see a therapist not because it will make her less annoying to you (and I must admit, I'm not sure that you and your brother are "getting" it), but because it will help her maximize her time left with good experiences, good relationships and perhaps less pain and more acceptance. Her oncologist can probably suggest some therapists trained in the treatment of patients with advanced cancer.
Are you or your brother accompanying her to her oncology appointments so that you are hearing what she's hearing? Stage 4 colon cancer is a terrifying diagnosis. She needs compassion above all and practical help in deciding on treatment protocols, pain management, clinical trials and tough end of life decisions. Let us know how this is going.
He was one of the kindest people to ever walk the earth and having cancer didn't change that. I know he was in a great amount of pain though and people handle things like that differently. She's probably thinking of everything she may not get to do. I imagine he did too. He didn't get to meet his grandchildren, which hurts me and my brother to this day. That can cause issues too, being limited in what you can do. I wish I had some words of wisdom instead of rambling on like this, I'm sorry. Just know that it has nothing to do with you and she's understandably feeling sorry for herself.
I can't imagine trying to live without safe and clean water, electricity, mobility, heat or with water up to the windows or even second stories of homes, but people along the Eastern Seaboard as well as in inland states have had to deal with catastrophic weather conditions for decades. I feel positively very fortunate that I don't live in SC, and have a lot of pity and sadness for those who do.
Perhaps showing some of those photos to your mother might help her realize that life could be a lot worse.
Just my opinion...it's an attempt to rationalize something that doesn't necessarily have a rational cause or explanation.
I haven't experienced the situation you describe, but wonder if you can shift the focus to something more positive, such as maximizing the chances she does have, focusing on making the most of each day, and if necessary, just say tell her gently that it is her life and she can make the best of it by trying to live her life as normally as possible rather than focus on questions with no answers, or she can continue to be depressed and negative, but that you can't allow yourself to fall into that same mental abyss.
Then suggest things she can do, things she enjoys and keep rechanneling the conversation to those. If she's still mobile, try taking her to places she used to enjoy.
You also can be very gentle in telling her that these negative conversations depress you, and that you need to leave but will come back when you can have a more positive conversation. It's easy for me to write this, but it's hard for someone to say it, especially to someone's mother.
Refocusing is a hard thing to do; it sounds as though she does seem to be preoccupied with herself to the exclusion of others.
Another suggestion is to find your closest Gilda's Club, ask if they have a colon cancer support group, and take her for a meeting. She'll find she's not the worst one there. Others can put her in her place more easily and perhaps might be an abrupt awakening that she's not the only one in this situation.
Local hospitals or infusion centers may also have support groups.