My mother is driving me absolutely insane with her pessimism. I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, but she can turn a conversation about the sky being blue or my brother's wedding into "what did I do wrong to deserve this? why does everything bad happen to me?" and it is incredibly emotionally draining and manipulative. My brother and I are not allowed to have emotions or life experience of our own, because my mom twists them around on us and says "it can't be that bad because it's not like what I'm going through." I understand she has stage IV colon cancer, I understand she's in pain, but she is just absolutely awful about everything and refuses to see a therapist. How can I get her to see reason and make her realize a therapist would be beneficial?
She wants to see a therapist not because it will make her less annoying to you (and I must admit, I'm not sure that you and your brother are "getting" it), but because it will help her maximize her time left with good experiences, good relationships and perhaps less pain and more acceptance. Her oncologist can probably suggest some therapists trained in the treatment of patients with advanced cancer.
Are you or your brother accompanying her to her oncology appointments so that you are hearing what she's hearing? Stage 4 colon cancer is a terrifying diagnosis. She needs compassion above all and practical help in deciding on treatment protocols, pain management, clinical trials and tough end of life decisions. Let us know how this is going.
To be candid, I was stunned by the original post. To bewail the 'pessimism' of someone with Stage IV colon cancer? I am lost for words, I'm sorry.
Address your mother's pain and terror. And, by the way, address your mother's cancer on your own account: how do you feel about her illness and prognosis? I wonder if you've really thought it through.
To be fair, I'd say that between the two of us, we have nearly equal chances of survival .. without taking some kind of intervention method(s). Care to guess whose life, pain, depression, issues, etc dominates any conversation when we're together? No one can imagine her pain; if there's any kind of pain, she's experienced it, and is the expert on it. In her mind, the world should make way, room, avenue, passage for her .. and only her. And if I should bring up or mention my cancer, she becomes distant or enraged, as though I'm taking away the attention she needs and deserves.
So, yeah ... people get negative. And it's ok to feel that way. Until it becomes obvious that being able to complain is more important than taking steps to change something (either the condition or the attitude ... BOTH have options and choices).
Personally? I'm done with the attitude and being a doormat. Right now, my focus is on me. My health, my cancer, my future, my LIFE. I'm not complaining, here. I'm making an announcement to the Universe. I'm moving forward with my life.
LadeeC
With cancer and with any other very serious medical condition one has to find a "new normal"... that's a joke, there is no new normal as we want our old life back that we were use to for the past 60 some years.
I also went through what did I do wrong? I was doing everything right, what in the heck happened? Cancer changed the way I look, and I hate it every time I look in the mirror. I've put on weight which doesn't look good on me. I had to give up my long hiking trips because my energy disappeared.
boxesofrocks, for me the best think ever said to me by a friend when she heard I had cancer was "that must suck", right there I knew I could talk to her on my bad days. So, let Mom grumble to you, she needs to know that someone is listening.
Just my opinion...it's an attempt to rationalize something that doesn't necessarily have a rational cause or explanation.
I haven't experienced the situation you describe, but wonder if you can shift the focus to something more positive, such as maximizing the chances she does have, focusing on making the most of each day, and if necessary, just say tell her gently that it is her life and she can make the best of it by trying to live her life as normally as possible rather than focus on questions with no answers, or she can continue to be depressed and negative, but that you can't allow yourself to fall into that same mental abyss.
Then suggest things she can do, things she enjoys and keep rechanneling the conversation to those. If she's still mobile, try taking her to places she used to enjoy.
You also can be very gentle in telling her that these negative conversations depress you, and that you need to leave but will come back when you can have a more positive conversation. It's easy for me to write this, but it's hard for someone to say it, especially to someone's mother.
Refocusing is a hard thing to do; it sounds as though she does seem to be preoccupied with herself to the exclusion of others.
Another suggestion is to find your closest Gilda's Club, ask if they have a colon cancer support group, and take her for a meeting. She'll find she's not the worst one there. Others can put her in her place more easily and perhaps might be an abrupt awakening that she's not the only one in this situation.
Local hospitals or infusion centers may also have support groups.
I can't imagine trying to live without safe and clean water, electricity, mobility, heat or with water up to the windows or even second stories of homes, but people along the Eastern Seaboard as well as in inland states have had to deal with catastrophic weather conditions for decades. I feel positively very fortunate that I don't live in SC, and have a lot of pity and sadness for those who do.
Perhaps showing some of those photos to your mother might help her realize that life could be a lot worse.
He was one of the kindest people to ever walk the earth and having cancer didn't change that. I know he was in a great amount of pain though and people handle things like that differently. She's probably thinking of everything she may not get to do. I imagine he did too. He didn't get to meet his grandchildren, which hurts me and my brother to this day. That can cause issues too, being limited in what you can do. I wish I had some words of wisdom instead of rambling on like this, I'm sorry. Just know that it has nothing to do with you and she's understandably feeling sorry for herself.
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