Parents married over 50yr. He was gone months at a time, while she raised 6 kids. He provided and she tolerated much. Long story put short, she lives at one end of the house and he at the other, and they share the kitchen, sometime it works more often it does not.
He has had multiple strokes and somethings going on with her brain, she has pushed everyone away and is mean, very mean.
He has veterans benefits and could get a caregiver to clean for him, but after a week or two they don't come back, she chases them away. We have tried to enroll him (3x's) to enter a retirement home but when his name comes up he backs out and chooses to stay.
She has collected about 50 cats over the years, they are well feed and provided for by her, only a few live in house. But the place stinks to high ends both inside and out. My father can not make it to the bathroom often in time, so that's everywhere and animal piles made by a small dog that can not see or hear any longer. So feces everywhere!
Keep in mind, if we take her animals she wont talk to us again.
Please, what do we do for them and how?
But, you obviously seem to care about their well being, so as others have said, you can report to Adult Protective Services, or a police welfare check, or whatever social services are available in their community to inspect the conditions they are living in and will force them into a healthier living situation. It takes the burden off of you, to have someone else make the assessment and give guidance as to the options available to your parents.
Whatever you do, DO NOT volunteer to accept them moving in to your home!
They will bring their lifestyle with them!
Social services can help to find a suitable placement or living arrangement.
Or be forced into a nursing home? Without their pets but be cleaner & have meals provided?
Are your siblings in agreement or disagreement with you?
What are your folks wishes? 'Independance' at all cost?
Or are they ready to accept help or be moved into a nursing home? Have you asked them? Has anyone laid out what their future options look like?
That'll get the ball rolling and put them on their radar as at-risk adults. The police/Social Services will likely call their children, but then you'll have the "the law says you have to move/clean up/get rid of cats" (or all of the above) on your side.
Your mother takes care of feral cats and she only has a few cats in the house and they are well cared for. But it sounds like she may have dementia and she has become mean (or is meaner than she used to be).
As others have mentioned APS is the call to make. They should get your Father placed where he can get appropriate care. That will let you take care of the dog.
Either family or APS needs to get Mother assessed medically to see what is going on there. It may not be dementia at all. Other things mimic it.
Then you can figure out what to do with the house. I wish you infinite patience and peace.
Please call APS. They are not safe. They do not understand any longer that they are not safe. You see the need. I believe that if they are placed, they (or at least one of them, my bet is your dad) will tell you he is ok with living in a nursing home.
My parents were resistant, my mom had dementia and my dad was blind. My sister and I struggled to get them help which my mom was completely against. I think my mom took needing help personal. Anyway last May they both ended up in a nursing home. He had fallen and gone to the emergency room and I happened to be in NY state trying to help them. When I told the nurses that my dad could not be returned home under my mom's care (which the nurses had already discovered), they sent him to a nursing home. She followed 1 week later. She not only could not live alone, she did not want to live alone.
My dad is completely ok with where he is now. I believe he was really scared last year living with my mom. My mom has since diminished. Her dementia has gotten worse. I do not know how they would be functioning now if they had not gone into the nursing home. The nursing home is not perfect, but they are safe. They are warm, they have three meals a day and people around them to look after them. Is this what I thought would happen to them in their later years of life? NO. Is this the best thing for them, YES. Can I sleep at night now, YES.
Please call APS and the police. If your mom has any form of dementia, call the Alzheimers Association and they can send someone out to evaluate her/them. It's free. People care and no one should live like that. So, try to help them, even if they appear to not want your help. Asking questions here is so very helpful, at least it was for me.
I so wish you luck. It is hard getting older and it is hard watching people you love or care for struggle.
APS will see the conditions and they will help you get both your parents in facilities that will care for them or if the house can be cleaned, perhaps home care. How ever it’s sounds like home care will be a losing battle of your mother collects cats and runs people off. She may have dementia. They both should see a Dr and hopefully you can accompany them so you know what’s being said.
Go ahead and call APS. It will be brutal at first, but something should be done for your parents own health and safety. APS will probably call Animal Control or at least you can make that request.
Good luck and keep us posted. So many people write in and we never know what’s happened. It really helps others to read success stories or even what didn’t work
You need to step in and make decisions for them whether they like it or not. I, too, agree with another comment about not being surprised that they were not reported to the Dept. of Elderly Affairs, or similar.
When a stroke hits, or early on-set dementia your loved one may thinks "everything is fine" but not really. They are unable to make decisions for themselves.
I would contact a Social Worker, your parents' primary care doc for an assessment. Call a cleaning company and throw everything out and the animals will have to go to home of some sought.
It sounds like they need a SWAT Team to show up on the scene. Keep in mind, you can't let the next dwelling turn into the same scenario. This is unhealthy for all parties involved.
An Elderly Attorney and a Geriatric Neuro Psy doc will come in handy too. Their brain is broken, they can't help it. They need your assistance. Your loved one's need to be protected and from harm for themself and others.
I know its hard but you are not going to get their blessing. May I ask, are you "the one" who does everything for your parents? You mentioned six kids, where are the other five.
Start with a bag of heavy duty trash bags, some cleaning gloves, masks and some large trash cans and start cleaning out. Sell the house, meet with a financial planner and find a place with different tiers where your parents can go to an Assisted Living with services, meals, safety, medications dispensed. Check their banking statements to make sure no scams, etc.
Can you bring them to the ER for an assessment and upon discharge tell them it's an "unsafe discharge" for them to return to their old digs and bring them to a new place in the neighborhood. A place where there is safety rails, a pull cord and security just in case they start to wander.
Contact the primary care doc. Go on the portal and blood work can tell a lot too.
Basically, it sounds like they cannot remain in the present situation. What usually happens is an "emergency" at 2AM and then the decision will be made for them.
IMHO it is time to contact both Adult Protective Services (APS) for your parents. A person can call annonmously and say, "they are living in squalor; and it is NOT SAFE, they are a danger to themselves and the animals living there, report feces all over." Feel free to call 911 too if you cannot easily locate your local APS number and explain APS needs to go. Then also call your local "animal control" agency, ASPCA or the local humane society to report again the situation for the animals.
If you do NOT want to step in to pursue "guardianship," your local Circuit Courts can handle that after APS steps in. Sadly, this is a crisis situation that will not get better with any attempts to explain or otherwise reason with them, do not waste your time on that approach. Get the local legal folks involved to intercede moving forward.
If there are others who can call APS and the animal services too -- other family members and/or neighbors -- have them call to.
So sorry the be so direct, but this is not a situation you realistically resolve w/out legal intervention at this point.
Good luck, seeking guardianship or having the State take over is not for the faint of heart but they are NOT safe NOR are those animals safe.
I would not try to clean up the mess as this seems like a good case for APS to get involved. Is she a hoarder? This is a mental disorder and she would need to be in a place where she could be supervised at all times. Usually a nursing home or assisted living can give her a one bedroom place with a bathroom and they can keep an eye on living conditions so they cannot hoard. Your father would do best in a retirement home so his basic needs can be met daily. If he cannot make it to the toilet he could use a bedside toilet or wear adult diapers, but it is a lose-lose situation for all if something is not done.
As far as the housekeeping goes, would you work for them? Of course, everyone is going to quit.
Quite frankly, I am surprised that no one has reported them to APS and reported the cats to the animal control department.
It’s really disturbing to read a story like yours. I am terribly sorry that you are witnessing such a heartbreaking situation.
Why don’t you call APS and see if they can do anything about this issue?
Best of luck.
Competent in the eyes of the law, not medically.
I was told that people can live anyway they choose, even in filth and squalor, as long as they have running water and food, it's up to them.
Good luck. Because the other answer is to leave things as they are. Again, you cannot change this. That's not within your power, control or expertise. Not everything can be fixed. Most of us die as we have lived. Unless dementia takes over and the state takes over from there.
You and your siblings should NOT be propping up your parents in this very unhealthy and unsafe environment they call home.
Call Adult Protective Services ASAP and report the very unhealthy living conditions that your parents and the 50 cats are living in. They will come out and do an assessment and things will proceed from there. And guaranteed the majority of the cats will be gone if not all.
Your parents are mentally ill to have allowed this to go on and they need help. So please call APS tomorrow and get the ball rolling.
I agree to back away. Sometimes there's just nothing that can be done.
You need to report them to adult protective services for an evaluation.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Then see if that kicks off help for your parents from another agency. Stand back, don’t participate, and don’t share what you did with anyone else, even family. You don’t need the hassle.
In a situation like this the family waits....
and waits....
For some event that will land one or the other, or both in the hospital.
At that point you can tell anyone and everyone that will listen that they are:
Not safe at home
They can not manage their own care
To discharge them to home would be unsafe.
If no one is POA and it is determined that one or the other, or both are not competent to appoint a POA then someone will have to become their Guardian. That could be a family member IF family wishes to take on this role OR the court will appoint a Guardian.
This is a difficult situation and often it does not end well if you have to wait for that catastrophic event that will force action of some type.
You and your siblings should all back away from helping and then report them to APS. Don't clean up that house. Don't give them any money to support the cat (or any other) expense. You are not morally or ethically obligated to exhaust yourselves -- stop lighting yourselves on fire in order to keep them warm.
Their county's social services has options and solutions. Please contact them.