My father has dementia and his wife died a few months ago. Since I live out of state, I have spent weeks and months with him on and off caring for him and putting a care plan in place for when I am not there. He lives in his home with 2 housemates (one is a part-time carer) and has shifts of 3 other care-takers come throughout the week. He gets meals on wheels, has people cooking meals and keeping him company every day. I am his health + finance POA. He does not want to move and his doctors have said that due to his dementia + Alzheimers a big move would not be good for him. Here's the problem: he has 3 other daughters from his 1st marriage (I am from his 2nd marriage). They have been trying to get him to revoke the POA and gain total control. They even called a lawyer in (then claimed HE wanted the lawyer-then when I asked him he said he never called- then again he might not remember if he had). It's a long story, but at the moment my big concern is about phone calls from his daughters and how to handle them. Here's what they are doing: 1. Trying to get him to pay THEIR lawyer bill, even though he already had a lawyer. His housemates heard him reading his credit card # over the phone. They convinced him he needed to pay this bill. 2. They tell him over and over to revoke the Power of Attorney and tried to have the lawyer they hired come and do this last week, but she bowed out once she realized he already had another attorney. When I visited him last week I saw a dozen notes by his phone where they had him write down "revoke power of attorney" several times. Isn't this "undue influence"? 3. His caretaker was at the house trying to get him ready for a routine doctor's appointment. One daughter was on the phone telling him lies that he "shouldn't go with the caretaker because he would be institutionalized." The stress from this call gave him a mini stroke and he spoke gibberish for a few moments, then missed his doctor's visit. Daughters are telling him lies, trying to turn him against me and his caretakers. As a result of these calls, I have told them (with his lawyer's advice) that calls will need to be scheduled and monitored by his caretaker. I also changed his #. This was not an easy move and I am wondering the best way to monitor this situation given that I am not living there myself. I want to keep him safe but obviously, don't want to have to restrict his calls. Would like to hear from any of you with thoughts on this challenging situation.
If they truly are concerned for your father's well being, then you could be open and tell them how your father is being cared for, and let them take part in caring for him. Hopefully would resolve the conflict.
Or if they are after his money, then you should talk with the lawyer and see how you could protect your father from their greedy claws.
Monitored phone calls are a good step. But what would happen if the daughters just showed up at his door?
I know you are trying to do your best, but dealing with siblings is very challenging. Have you considered calling for a family meeting? Maybe have a family therapist or social worker present?
I had a terrible time communicating with my siblings. It lead to a lot of resentments on my part. In hindsight, I wished I did things differently.
You asked: "You didn't give reasons why the daughters want to take over the POA. Have you yourself spoken to them and ask? Are they concerned that he's not being well cared for? Or do they think they can do a better job? Or do they think they can get money from your father? Does he have a lot of money?
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It seems they just want control and they resent that I have been put in charge. They also wanted access to his funds so that one of them could buy a house with his money, in her own name, in exchange "for taking care of him for the rest of his life" (he's almost 89). My father and I live in the same country and I have always been closest to him in every way, by far; their mother and he split up when they were all kids--my father hasn't lived in the same country as them for years. When my stepmother, his wife died a few months ago, I was the only one there to help him and get his life in order. He put me in charge of everything. All of a sudden the other daughters are interested in everything, but they were not there for MONTHS when he needed (and I needed) help. They are trying to get him and all of his assets to the country where they live, even tho he has said he is not up for the move. I have had to be the one standing in their way stopping them from getting all his money. One of them convinced him to sign a real estate contract to sell his house in the week she visited over Xmas. She claimed it was his idea. His dementia/Alz makes it all very difficult because he will agree to almost anything and later not remember what it was. She doesn't believe he has Alz.
"If they truly are concerned for your father's well being, then you could be open and tell them how your father is being cared for, and let them take part in caring for him. Hopefully would resolve the conflict. "
Unfortunately, I have tried to "family call" route and given them information. It never ends well as they try to take over everything and criticize every single thing I have done, even tho I have spent weeks of my time taking care of him and sacrificing my own life.
"Or if they are after his money, then you should talk with the lawyer and see how you could protect your father from their greedy claws."
Yes, they are, and that I have done.
"Monitored phone calls are a good step. But what would happen if the daughters just showed up at his door?"
I could get an order of protection. They have just shown up unannounced before. I would have to fly in and it probably wouldn't be pretty.