I am the sole family member and child of my 93-year-old mother. I am the last surviving relative of our family (I'm 55 and not in good health). My mother lives alone in the home I grew up in, a large house atop a steep hill, with a huge large and lots of trees. To say my mother and I have been close is an understatement. She was very strict with me and we were psychologically enmeshed, to the point that she threw hysterical fits and became ill if I married, moved 75 miles from home to attend graduate school, or got any meaningful, full-time work. I always catered to her wishes-quit jobs, quit schools, walked out of marriages. I always returned to her and gave her all of my time and energy. She has always held the purse strings and used her control of the large sum my father left to her when he died as a way of controlling me and my activities. She has a tendency to be verbally abusive with me, calling me "worthless", "stupid", "a burden", and has stated she wishes I had never been born.
In 2017, after two years of divorce, my second ex husband and I reconciled and remarried. We have an 18 year old daughter. My mother owns the Jeep that she insisted she buy for me to drive when my Hyundai sedan proved unworthy in severe snowy conditions (remember the steep driveway I mentioned?) My husband and daughter and I now live in a town 18 miles from my mother's home. As I am now married and living in my husband's home, my mom figures I am now my husband's "problem". However, he does not have sufficient income to pay for the Jeep and car insurance in addition to our rent and other expenses. In the past two years, I have found eight full-time, well-paying jobs so that I can contribute to the household; the last one I kept for six weeks. I quit each one at my mother's insistence that I be available to take her to the grocery store(s) and help her out with her house at all times. If I don't quit the jobs, I am called names and told I am selfish. But when I quit the jobs and we run short on money, she becomes livid and says my husband is a lazy bastard (he isn't) and that I should have married a rich man and gotten sex on the side (!) and that she's tired of being the only one in the family with any money.
Recently, she has become forgetful. She has forgotten how to turn her television on and off. She has trouble making heads or tails of her bank statement. She has forgotten due dates for bills and has overdrawn her checking account numerous times by not keeping up with her check register. When I've tried to help, she says that I'm going to steal all her money and won't let me near her finances. She refuses to make her checking account info available by computer (she doesn't have a computer or any kind of mobile phone) and won't allow me any access. I am not a signatory on her accounts, and I have no health care POA. Basically, I'm not allowed to know anything about her finances. She will not allow anyone such access. She refuses nursing care and moving.
Two days before Christmas this year, her December bank statement arrived in the mail. She had written me three checks to buy my daughter Christmas presents from her, but did not recall it. When she saw her bank statement, she called and accused me of stealing her money. My daughter, who was present when each of the checks were written, tried to remind her, as did I, about the checks and Christmas and Mom stated that we were trying to gaslight her and make her feel that she's losing her memory. My mother announced she wanted nothing to do with me or our family for Christmas and to leave her alone. She screamed angrily that she wanted to die and hung up. That was three days ago.
I'm sorry this has been so long but what should I do? I am searching for jobs that allow me to work from home so I can take care of her, and have found a few. I'm confused and feel guilty and only want to be a self-sufficient adult without hurting my mom. I have no POA for her health or anything else. HELP!!
You're a grown, middle-aged woman and letting your mother STILL control every aspect of your life like a teenager. You don’t need a work-from-home job; you need a regular job with regular pay and regular hours that you keep unless someone is gushing blood profusely and death is imminent!
Now, if all of this is because you want what money she has — then by all means, continue, because it sounds like she could be spiteful enough to donate it to PETA or something if you don’t obey her 100%.
But if not, you really need to...well—with all due respect—grow up. I am open to a lot of abuse from elders that we, as their offspring, may have to endure in their old age. But it’s one thing for disease to change an adult relationship between parent and daughter to one of a dysfunctional nature, and another entirely when your relationship with your mother never evolved past a certain point to where you’re forever treated like, and this act like, a child.
Your 93-year-old mother is clearly not as sharp as she used to be and needs more care, with or without an actual diagnosis. She’s likely unable to take care of the house and the lot she lives on, needs to sell the house, downsize, and simplify her life as well as have her finances managed for her. Obviously, you must know this and even more obvious is that she’s not going to take this advice from you, given she has zero respect for you and you’ve yet to demand any from her, or exhibit that you are your own separate adult that she can’t control.
Most of us are likely decent to good sons and daughters to our parents. But I’m almost certain that almost all of us have never quit our jobs, left our spouses, or in any other way let our parents dictate what we do in our personal lives in adulthood. That’s just not the way it works past college, I imagine. And even in college, the modicum of control they could exert was solely because they were paying the tuition and living expenses!
So, like I said, if this is about getting that money — then it is what it is and you have to take it like you would from any boss where you needed the paycheck to feed your children. But if it’s anything else, then you need to spend a good amount of time pondering where it all went wrong and how to make it right — for her, but primarily for you.
I think (and hope) you’ll find that you can be much happier than you are right now in all aspects of life (be it a daughter, wife, mother, worker or friend) if you can find a way to break free from this cycle and learn who you are as an adult and as an adult fully & completely separate from mom.
You can do this!
I tried to please my parents. I was a goodie two shoes. I was the one who caved in when there was a problem with a friend. I always wondered how I would have been if I had an abusive relationship in my 20s. Because after a divorce and the responsibility of a child and job in my early 30s, I changed. I found I was good at my jobs. Found out I could do it on my own. Then married a man who will do anything for me. Also wondered how I would have dealt with a passive aggressive MIL in my 20s because in my 30s I didn't allow her to get her way. I was respectful but I stuck to my guns when it came to my home (she tried to redecorate it) and my family. My DH stood by me.
You are not too old too change but its going to take some work. You need a Therapist. There are some facilities that charge on scale. You need to learn what your Mom has done is mental abuse. It looks like now she has Dementia and YOU should not be the one to care for her.
My suggestion...call your County Office of Aging or Adult Protection Services. Tell them Mom is a vulnerable adult. Could they please evaluate her because u feel there are signs of Dementia and she won't allow u to help. Explain what u did here. If they find that Mom needs 24/7 care, then u have decisions to make.
How much do u want to be involved? If you can get guardianship, if Moms money can be used, then you place her in an AL. (Coordinating 24/7 care in her home would be hard.) There is still some having to be there. Mom would get 3 meals a day and her meds but her personal items would need to be bought by you, like toiletries, paper goods, Depends.
Eventually, she will need LTC which all her needs will be met.
The other alternative is to allow the state to have guardianship. Then they handle everything. But you will probably lose any money Dad left.
In no way should you care for this woman. Claim abuse if you have to if the state gets involved. Don't leave your family for her and don't bring her into your home. Your Mom is probably narcissistic. There is a personality disorder of some kind here. You are not the problem, she is. You need to learn how to set boundries and walk away when Mom goes over the line. It maybe too late when it comes to her and even with boundries people like Mom can't change. Its how their brain is wired. You need to change.
I would make that APS call. For no other reason then its on record that you tried to help. If its found that she can be left on her own (which I don't think that will happen) then its time to set boundries. Get that job. You need to get out with "normal" people. You need to see that you can do this on ur own. Allocate a day during the week for Mom. This will be the day u take her shopping run some errands. Set up her appts when good for you.
But, from what u described, Mom has Dementia. Her reasoning is now no more. She is going to be like a child. Do what you can to get her placed somewhere where she is safe and cared for. Thats your responsibility. You have given her most of your life, don't give her the rest of it. Once she is placed, its up to you when u visit. With a new job and family it may not be everyday. Maybe 1x a week. Thats OK. You are going to have to break old patterns. At this point Mom is safe your family is #1. Please, enjoy them. Your daughter is now grown and will be starting on her own adventures. Be there for her but let her grow. You have a second chance with DH, don't wreck that for a woman who does not now or even before Dementia know how to love someone. Like I said, Moms brain is just not wired correctly.
You have a very codependent relationship with your mother, this is not healthy for either one of you. Amazon has many books on codependency, I would buy several and read them from cover to cover.
You need to cut the apron strings and get about the business of making a life for yourself. You are an adult, her equal, not her little girl, subject to her rules. Quitting good paying jobs for her, is just plain foolish. Time to stand up and be counted...No...is a complete sentence, start saying it to her, set some boundaries and make a life for yourself, don't count on her money, count on yours.
Find other care for her.
All the best