Mom is in last stages of Life! How do I prepare for this?

I am really sorry about your mum. I find prayers truly help. I nevernhad any experience witnessing the passing of any of my family who had passed on (my elder sister -died of lung cancer @ 26, my dad passed away with stomach cancer in his 80). I had been told that my ailing mum who has secondary cancers may live for 3-6 months. I have since become really lost. My sister does not seem to be terribly disturbed by the sad news which was given to us @ mum's review by her breast surgeon following her CT scan (July). I had cried and cried quietly whilst attempting to seek spiritual support for dear mum but to no avails. Today after her review with the palliative care team. I feel
even more sad as I am told mum is so depressed by her weight lost (from gastro and a bout of troublesome cough), the physician feels the priority is to treat mum's depression than address her spiritual needs which I feel has been really ignored inspite my constant request to the hospice team and sharing with the local church members whom mum has developed a rapport with the past 6 weeks (mum lived previously in a different state to where she is being treated for her cancer. It has been difficult for her to get to a church which is similar to that she has been attending past 18 years. In desperation I contacted the Rev. mother of the Little Sister of the Poor to seek help in my quest for mum. Again I felt 'let down' all I received in tr of support was " you have done your best, there isn't much you can do. You need to take care of yourslf. After hearing this, I sobbed and sobbed and said to myself, why is it so hard for even the 'religious peronnel' to at least advised me that attempts will be make to visit mum (irrelavant of the Christian group mum belong (Methodist not Catholic) to offer her communion as mum (I observed has been more at peace when she received communion. It has been nearly 4 weeks she last has communion. Mum feels . unclean' with her ileostomy to attend church service to receive God's body. I hope God hears my prayer that mum will have more opportunities to receive Christ (holy communion) before she leaves the world for a better place. I have been asking God to please do not let mum suffers too much ( for according to my eldest sister that the room where my elder sister was suddenly filled with bright light, bells were ringging and Angels. (my eldest sister is of Buddhist faith) My elder sister was Catholic. So I pray that mum will leave this world with similar blessing from God. I know mum due to depression (been battling cancer for nearly 5 years!!! breast, bowel, lunvery little pg and liver -a very brave person -) has been extremely difficult to support as she call s me 'demon' "devil from another world who is destrying her" I STILL FEEL SHE DESERVE GOD'S Love and sympathy to leave us (my sister, her daughter and me) feeling she has been loved by God and her family (at present we are her enemy -especailly me) So Carmen, you are in my prayers, agin I am sorry about your loss. ((((hug))))) Juliek

Thank you all so much for sharing your most personal stories and family with me and everyone on this site. They may just be stories or memories in your lives, but the experience you bring to this site is something you can't pay for. For those of you who have been thru it, thank you for sharing what we should expect and feel. For those of us going thru it, may God be with you and your families. Lord, please watch over our loved ones that are coming to be with you soon, and please make their transition as peaceful and painless as possible. Amen.

All I can say i know people got families but also remember with out our mother or father YOU would not be here on earth and nether would your daughter or kids they was first here and gave birth they come first that is ALL.

Whatever during time of death nothing matters than to be there no matter what in the time of dieing is the MOST IMPORTANT! There is no excuses case closed.

Oh, Maure, I'm so sorry to hear of your mother's passing. I'm so sorry you are feeling such guilt. I don't know how I will react when I am in your situation, but from someone looking in, you were there for your mom. She knows you were there and loved you unconditionally. She is now looking down at you so grateful for what you did to make her last days comfortable. I am sure she is very proud of you and wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Please know your mom is okay with it. She wants you to be at peace with it. Prayers to you for peace and comfort. Your mom is in a better place. She is in God's palace. Bless you and your family.

Dear Carmen,
Please don't feel guilty about anything, but be grateful that you have 2-3 months left with your mom. Do you have a computer? If your sister has a laptop you could talk to her daily on Skype.
My mother in law had Alzheimers. She was at home for 4 years and a nursing facility for 5. We brought her home for her last days. I felt so guilty about the nursing home but she was happy there. I came to the realization that things would happen in God's time and not mine and my responsibility was to make her comfortable and happy while she was here with us.
She was at home for 12 days. Hospice was here and they were wonderful. They prepared me every step of the way. If I were in your position, I would contact your sister as often as possible and be a support for her. She can also keep you updated about the progression and what Hospice is telling the family. I brought Mom home because I knew she would get better treatment at home with the family. We were trained to give her the meds and take care of all her needs.
When she passed, I was able to tell her it was time to go with Pap pap and I got in bed with her and held her so she wouldn't be afraid.
Even though Mom was home, her children were in denial that she was passing and they didn't come to see her until they were called that she was passing. They didn't visit her much in the nursing home either. I guess if they weren't around to see what is going on, it is easy to pretend it is not happening. She was like a mother to me and I miss her every moment. She did everything with my family. I would be like you Carmen and worry all the time because I wouldn't have any control of the situation. The best thing you can do is try to support your sister and do what you can to be there in the end.
Mom had alzheimers but she new where she was when she came home. She also shared things with us that we never thought she would remember. The day before Thanksgiving she couldn't move on her own or speak. Thanksgiving Day she woke up to the smell of Turkey and she didn't need her Morphine, she was her old self all day but she still wouldn't eat. We had our dinner in the TV room where her bed was. She offered to help me cook and clean up if I would get her out of bed. It was a wonderful gift from God. That night about 7:00 she needed her meds. She never awoke again. She passed the next day.
What I am trying to tell you is please don't look at these next few months with sadness but with joy. Our time on earth is just preparing us for our time in a place where there is no sickness or pain. In the end, things may happen that you know she is going to that place. My mother in law talked to her mom and dad all the time. This is the time we are given to make peace with our parent but more importantly it is their time to make peace with themselves. In their minds, they are preparing for the journey and you have to look at it with this perspective or you will go crazy. This doesn't help your family at home either. God Bless and if I can be of any help or assistance, please let me know...

Maure, I'm so sorry for your loss. Try not to add to your pain with the guilt, because I echo emjo's thoughts: Nothing to feel guilty about. It sounds as if your mom was in a loving, caring place. You were with her the night before she died. She knew she was loved. That's what's important. It's hard to rein in the emotions, but as they settle down, I hope your heart will accept what your head knows. You did the right thing for you, and your not going to see her after she died did not in any way harm your mother. She would want you to be at peace, I'm sure. Hugs to you.

I was told a week ago to prepare for the end of life with my mom. I take care of her and it isn't easy as I do love her.ClParker had some excellent thoughts.

Dear Carmenp, First let me say I have been where you are now, and I am praying for you as I write to you. Carmen I lost my Mother on September 13,2012, so I was where you are now. My Mom started getting sick in August, she had been in and out of the hospital and rehab, she had been on th brink of death many, many times, but this last time was just too much forher to stand. I was the sole caregiver for my Mom, I do have a sister, but she lives across state, so most of it was on me. At least you did have the oppertunity to have your Mom live with you for awhile. Don't feel guilty about getting mad or having a short temper, that is natural when you are faced with this kind of situation. What you need to do now is go see your Mother as often as you can, tell her constintely that you love her, and let her know what a great Mother she has been, never leave her without saying I Love you!!!!! Make the best of the time that you have left, because it goes so quickley. She did the same things my Mom did, just sleeping, not going to the bathroom, it may not be as long as they said, just take the time out to be by her side as much as you can. Record her good moments, try to make her smile as much as you can, this helped me when my Mom left me. I am older then you, I am 54, but you still feel like a child when your Mom is dying. Don't be afraid to cry and express your feelings, it's ok you are human, and there is nothing like your Mother!!!!!!!. I will be praying for you, One other thing I want you to remember."Celebrate your Mother's life, don't mourn her death!!!!!!!!"

Maure - sorry about your loss. What you did is OK. Nothing to feel guilty about, We do what we can do. (((((hugs))))

Lost my mother 5 days ago. Husb and I had been with her the previous evening, she wasn't able to abulate, communicate, nothing. But I spoke to her like she could hear me and husb did the same.
Hospice had been called in a week prior to her death. They did a great job caring for her and the staff nurses' at the assissted living did an even greater job of caring for her.
I recieved the call from the head nurse telling me she had just passed and asked if I wanted to come see her..................I COULDN'T DO IT !!!
I wanted to remember her "living" and breathing, not lying there without air going in and out of her lungs.
Now I feel guilty for not going. But in my heart of hearts, I just couldn't do it and feel so so badly about not going. She looked beautiful in her caskett, her eyes had seen God, it's always SOOO evident when this happens.
But I just couldn't do it and now have this guilt hanging over me.
I need some help here, someone help me plz, tell me what I did was ok.
She had a pastor, two nurses and a hospice worker with her when she passed.
The pastor spoke with me and said he was there with her so "she wasn't alone when she passed". My husband said when he said that, the pastor was reassuring me she wasn't alone, that's all, nothing more. To have no guilt on my part bc some people just can't do it.
someone plz help me.
Maure

Josie, I'm sorry for your loss. How kind of you to reach out to Carmen in the midst of your own pain. I lost my Mom at the end of June and still cry at some point every day, often more than once. My friends who have walked this path tell me to give myself plenty of time. There is no right or wrong timeline, no right or wrong way to grieve. And there's no right or wrong way to say good-bye, Carmen. I imagine it's very hard to be so far away. I think the advice to call as often as you can is good. I know that phone calls would always boost my mom's spirits, even in her last couple of weeks when it was hard for those on the other end of the phone to understand her replies. If you are able to travel to see your mom, it sounds as if it would do you good. Hospice folks may be able to advise you about when to come, but sometimes it's hard to know the exact timing of things. As someone else mentioned, it's hard not to have regrets when you're a caregiver. But Carmen and Josie, you both sound like wonderful daughters who took the best care of your mothers you could, who made the best decisions you could. Whatever decisions you make about your mom's final days will be made out of love, Carmen, and that's all we can do. Hugs to you both.

CarmenP. Sorry to hear about your Mum. Do not beat up on yourself. You did the best that you could do. When dealing with Alzheimer;s Disease, there are three stages of grief and I believe you are going through the second stage. The third stage is when your loved one pass away. Concentrate on the good times that you shared with your Mum. Know that caregivers are a "national treasure" and I think a guilt-trip is quite normal.

Renee101, your mom sounds like a totally different person than my mom. She sounds like she is pretty much self sufficient. I wish my mom could walk without assistance and cook and wash her own clothing or just watch TV. Anything to keep her occupied. Cherish this time with your mom because as you said, different people behave differently with dementia. My mother has so many issues along with the demintia that it is really a miracle that she is still with us. Every day we still have her is a gift. Good luck to you and I really hope things work out for the best for you and your mom. God bless you. :)

Dear luckyjosie143: Please accept my deep sympathy for the loss of your dear mom. As I was reading your heartbreaking letter, I realized that it mirrors my own life, and that we are walking along the same path. My 89 year old mom is still with us. She recently was transferred to assisted living memory care (with a possible diagnosis of early stage vascular dementia) about three months ago. We are considering having her come home, and setting up in-home care for her, as she is not adapting to the surrondings there, and is functioning at a much higher level than the other residents.

Her psychiatrist and family physician think that she may function better at home, where I will be part-time caregiver, along with a home-health aid for part of the day. Physically, she is healthy, no medical disorders, walks without assistance, participates in conversations and other low-level activities, such as preparing light meals, washing clothers, and light housekeeping. Occassionally, she forgets things like birthdays, anniversaries, and medical appointments, although that could be age related cognitive impairment, due to her age (90).

Before we do decide to transfer Mom to her home, we are pursing a second diagnosis from a neurologist who specializes in vascular dementia. After much research regarding dementia, my sister and I are thinking that she may have been advised by doctors to move into assisted living prematurally. She also was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, which has subsided since her medication has been working successfully. I have been her companion for more than six years, and am studying for my doctorate in geriatrics healthcare, so I am acquainted with the psychological and medical field of dementia.

I know that it is more difficult when dealing with family, and that there is always the chance that I may be acting out of emotional reaction, but I don't think so in this case. My sister, brother, psychiatrist, and family physician are in agreement with me on this call, as long as the family are willing to go in this direction.

The reason I am writing this letter, along with my mom's encouragement, is to advise families, friends, and relatives to take their time in deciding when is the right time to transfer our loved ones to a nursing home, or assisted living residence. And for heaven's sake, please, please, get a second opinion from a qualified neurologist, as the diagnosis for dementia is complicated and challenging, even to neurologists. Do your research from qualified sources, such as peer-reviewed journal articles, and listen to your inner voice. In certain situations, home-health care aides at home can be implemented successfully. Just keep your options open, and don't automically think of a nursing home as the only alternative. Please believe me when I say that there are other options, and they should be fairly investigated and considered. All dementia patients are not the same; they are human individuals who deserve to be treated as such, with differing needs, assistence, and care. I hope that this letter helps others who are in a simple situation as myself and my dear mom. The decision we are making may or may not work out, although with prayer, wise healthcare professionals, and my mom's help, we will make the best possible decision. God bless all!

try and focus on all the good memories withyour mom iknow thisis hard i wa in your shoes two yrs ago . moms time ws up i felt alot of disappointemnts andanger after I loast her it happened aget her birthday she passed and chrismas, I'm ok now i more les accted it mom is With Our Lord Jesus in heaven. It happened fo quick. i just wish that I could have found aplace to live where i grew up the house was sold. i stiil feel had that I lost my inheritance over a greety seldih nephew and and his mother whose behond it backing her on , EX sister in law who only wanted my families money. i lostmy brother 2006. I can understand why my brother divorce his lovely wife whose so rotten.. My nephew got away with alot of stuff I wisfed that Adult protective services would have gone after my nephew they ddid nothing said my mom was in denaila of my nephew neglect tomy mother. this was a hard decision to put her in a facility i had toact quick she kept falling alot once sge stopped eatting i had to act.

i know what you are going through i had tasken my mom out of a bad situatiom when my lovely nephew hadher for 3 yrs or better he sold the house he claimed to be his house thats my moms house didnt get 1 dime from him he negegected my mom also possiable abuse adult protective services did nothing i tokk over for her to live withme for 2 yrs, i had to put mom in rehab nursing home she was at the last stages thats all that can ne done she stppoed eatting couldnt walk any more was hallucinating i had no other choice but to get her 24 hr care thats so crucial no -one wanted to be bothered to helpme out. i couldnt have done what thenursing home did for ger. when it gets to the point shes at the last stages it time for out side help at a rehab ir nursing home facility. iknow this id hard I'm still greiving over my mom I lost her hse was in the nusring home for 3 weekd it will be 2 trs Dec 10,, my heart goes out to you i wil pray for you and your mom. May God Bless You Take care of your self

Thank you all for all your wisdom and prayers. I am truly on a rollercoaster ride. Last week my mom looked like death was on her doorstep. She bounces back every time. It is very scary and emotions are everywhere. A new Hospice doctor came and saw her and told us she did have a hard time taking in breaths but he was not God. He told us he would be surprised if she were with us in a year. Wow, from 3 months to a year now. I know no one but God knows when we will leave this Earth and therefore we can't take anyone at their word. I feel so much better when my mom is talking better and feeling better but I know another bad day is coming soon. Thank God for this website as it really does comfort me knowing that I am not the only one who is going thru this and getting really great advice and no judging about how I feel. Thank you all and I will continue to keep you posted. Hugs and Kisses to all.

The time is difficult. Try to remember all the times you shared with your mom not what you imagine you could have done different. The difficulty you are having is because you are a good loving daughter. Remember that.

Bless you and the rest of us who try to do the best we can with our parents or parent. I am glad I don't work outside the home while caring for mom. I am often so tired at night after a long day caring for her and her complaining. It is so hard, but so worthwhile.

(((((Carmen)))))) no doubt you are grieving in anticipation of losing your mum. I was across the country from my dad. I got a call that he was in his last days. I had three chldren at home. I made arrangements for someone to care for the kids, and travelled to be with my dad. He was still conscious, but evidently not long for this world. I couldn't stay till the end - my arrangements at home didn't allow for that. I stayed a few days, He and I both knew he was dying. We spent a few days of quality time together, and then we said good bye, as I had to return. He was at peace, and that was a great gift to me. You have done what you could for your mum - be at peace about that. As far as the ease of her transition, there is not much you can do about that except pray. She is where she needs to be at this time of her life, with the care that is available. You are right, that you have no control, but you do have some choices. You can choose to visit your mum, when hospice indicates her time is very short. IN that, there is a risk that you will not get there in time. You can choose to visit in, say, 6 weeks, which may be before her time is up. No one knows how accurate the 2-3 months is, but it is all you have to go o,, and hospice has much experience in this. Have you discussed with your husband how long it is manageable for you to be away? I think you will feel better if you can make some sort of a plan, and reconcile yourself with the possibility of not being able to be by your mother's side when she goes, no matter how carefully you make those plans. Simply, that is the reality you are facing. Some people pass quickly and some more slowly.

This is a difficult time for all. I gather people can feel like an orphan when both parents have passed, I don't have that experience yet, so feeling like a lost child may not be that unusual. By all means cry, and express your grief as you need to. My heart goes out to you.((((((Hugs))))))) and prayers at this difficult time in your life. Let us know what you work out. Joan

We all know that point when we fear for our own health, and doubt our ability to "go on". We do the best we can for as long as we can. No more can be asked of us. We all will die and a quiet, peaceful death is a blessing for all. Love and prayers friend.

I pray for you to have courage and strength during this sad time.

This is so hard for me to write because I lost my Mom yesterday. I took care of Mom for six years until I started declining, I'm 65. I have a full time job, I get up at 5:00 am and don't get home till 5:00 pm.............to say the least......I was exhausted, I thought I was going to die. Mom started having mental issues and was hospitalized, then sent to rehab. I love her so much and all she wanted to do was go home................I just couldn't do it any longer. I would go to rehab directly after work at 3:30 and stay till 7:00 pm or 8:00 pm......so I was still exhausted but didn't want to miss one day without seeing her. She was angry with me because I wouldn't take her home, the guilt was awful. I asked when they thought it would be the end so I could take a leave and stay with her. I was going up to the rehab at 12:00 yesterday when they called and said she was "actively dying". She was not responsive but it's true the hearing is the last to go so the nurses told us to keep talking. I've always told her she was the best and that I loved her but now it seemed more important. My daughter, me and the pastor's wife, stayed with her till the end which was so incredibly peaceful, our prayers for a sweet death were answered...praise God. My regret is that I didn't take her home which I fully knew I couldn't do. I will try to work through this with the help of the amazing, kind and caring people on this website. In my mind I still see her crumpled up in her wheel chair stationed by the nurses station and my heart breaks. I did everything for since my father died in 1995 but I'm having a hard time that I couldn't do it for the last month of her life.
The bottom line is, for me, to try to focus on all the good I did and not beat myself up for the last month, but the personality of caregivers is one of complete dedication, we want to do everything right so of course we have regrets and guilt it is part of the caregivers personality or else we wouldn't be caregivers. We (caregivers) put the needs of others first.
My Mom was such a good and loving person I am sure in my heart that she has reunited with all her past relatives, God is rewarding her for all she has done her whole life and is happy and peaceful. I know if I give my worries to God he will console me and hope Mom can come and give a sign of encouragement.
I love you all on this website, you are all so loving and supportive.

Love is such a strong emotion that it makes us irrational. You s
did your best. We are human, therefore, we have limitations. It's okay to cry. When I cry and pray to Christ, he helps me feel better and sometimes gives me a new perspective. No matter what your faith is, Christ will be glad to help you through this.

Very sorry about your mom. I know you are miles away, make phone calls to her daily, she will know you are thinking about her and you care even though your miles apart. If your mom can't talk have your sister to hold the phone to her ear so she can hear your precious voice. I was a nurse and do know that the family being near is wonderful for the person transitioning from life to death. Remember this the hearing is always the last thing to go! We are human and can only do so much. Don't beat yourself up with what I, could have, should have done. You did what you needed to do for yourself and your mom. Prayers for you and your family!

Very sorry about your mom. I know you are miles away, make phone calls to her daily, she will know you are thinking about her and you care even though your miles apart. If your mom can't talk have your sister to hold the phone to her ear so she can hear your precious voice. I was a nurse and do know that the family being near is wonderful for the person transitioning from life to death. Remember this the hearing is always the last thing to go! We are human and can only do so much. Don't beat yourself up with what I, could have, should have done. You did what you needed to do for yourself and your mom. Prayers for you and your family!

What could you have done different... nothing.... it was what it was... and as was shared with you.... who doesn't get cranky and frustrated and tired... we all do.... hopefully you will get to make a trip to tell her ' till I see you again'.... it doesn't have to be the very end.... but if you have enough time to get there, I hope you do if that's what you need to do for you....
I'm so grateful for my views of death, M is with Hospice now, it could be weeks or a few months... we don't know... and I'm glad we don't.... keeps us real....
So, yes we are praying for you and your mom and your family.... you are not alone... come back and tell us how we can help you... just vent if you need to... glad you are here.... we can do pretty much anything together.... hugs across the miles to you....

I'm sorry about your mom. My mom lost her final battle to cancer last year, but I was fortunate enough to live only a mile away. Hospice is pretty good about telling you a really close time frame as to when your mom will die. So it is possible that you could make one final trip to see her. Don't give up on that idea totally yet. And give yourself a break about the feeling any remorse as to how you may or may not have treated her. As a mom yourself, you know how it is when you get frustrated with your kids. It's no different with your own mom, she knew you were frustrated with the whole circumstance, and she still loved you. Just like you love your kids and they love you, even though you might holler at them once in awhile. That's life. I would suggest to you, shore up the relationships you have with your sister and any other siblings at this time. You're going to need each other, believe me. And cry if you want to for heavens sake, you're losing your mom who you probably thought would never die. I thought my mom and dad would live forever I guess. Never thought of the alternative of mom not being here to boss us around. ♥