I'm not even sure if I asked this question already but I am so drained and hurt by my mother's accusations towards me. She is saying she is going to tell her doctor that I abuse her and in reality it's always been the other way around mom never liked her kids. I was the one to get the brunt of it she would pull my hair as a child and drag me across the floor saying how much she wished I was dead and I was 4 or 5 at the time. You see she has always been this way. She plays the victim roll very well and is trying to get me into trouble no one and I mean no one in the family will help out with her she is a big ball of negativity! I myself suffer from depression, anxiety and physical just lower back that is and could only do so much . How do I protect myself from her manipulating doctors? Well not all doctors fall for it but my mom is determined to be a victim but yet get her home and she is her true self !!
Is there really no alternative to your being your mother's hands-on caregiver? I'm sure we must have asked you to go through this point before, but remind me what the reasoning is.
It's a false belief and it's holding you to ransom. People who are frail, ill or very elderly and don't have children don't die any quicker, and aren't more vulnerable to neglect or exploitation. That is to say, it is perfectly possible for your mother to receive good care, just not provided by you.
Take yourself out of the picture, pretend you don't exist and never did. What becomes of your mother?
What becomes of her is that the people responsible for her - her doctor, her local social services - make appropriate arrangements. And she's fine. And nobody gets sacrificed.
Supposing that happens, and you then put yourself back in the picture. You live your life, plus you get to develop a different relationship with your mother that might even involve her being a sweet little old lady to you too.
You don't have to make yourself disappear. You can make a start by initiating conversations with her doctor, with Medicaid if your mother would qualify, with social workers, with whoever can help you get her placed or get her professional help at home. Your mother has serious chronic illnesses - her "selective memory" might be only selective, but I doubt it, she's ill enough not to need to fake anything - and is getting to the point where she's at risk because her needs have overtaken your ability to ensure her wellbeing. Get yourself some allies!
When confronted in this formal way, and when things are spelled out, most bullies back down. Of course, this rests on the assumption that she is not yet demented. If she is, then get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
good luck!
To the parents out there who hate their kids:
if you hate your kids that much, what are you doing with them? Just open the door and let them go to a better home and start a new life. Just drop them off with the CPS, they'll take your kids off your hands. For those with unwanted newborn babies, just drop them off at the fire department or the nearest hospital and give them a chance at a new life but don't abuse them. If you really don't want your kids, don't keep them only to abuse them, let them go and give them the opportunity to start a new life with someone else who will love them. Don't put them through what this poor innocent survivor had to go through during their childhood. Child abuse leaves permanent scars.
Back to the OP:
You now need to get out of there and start taking care of yourself. You really need to go find a good Christian counselor or even a pastor who can help you through this time of transition away from your abuser. You've been deeply scarred by the abuser, don't put yourself in the position of opening up old wounds that are trying to heal. Keeping yourself around to be abused is only hurting you, this person is definitely very toxic and is definitely destroying you. There are also some particular cases that downright anger me, but I think this is one of those cases where I wish I could lash out at the abuser because I myself was also dragged by the hair. My mom would let my hair grow out only to rip it out or drag me by it if she could. It makes me wonder if you may have been the product of a rape, rape survivors who keep their kids often end up using their kids. That's because every time the rape survivor season that child, they are a clear and constant reminder of the rape, especially if the incident happened when the rape victim was too young and not ready for kids. Hindsight is a very good teacher and sometimes I wonder if my parents were actually too young to have kids which is possibly why us kids were abused. Another thing to consider is the possibility that maybe your mom may have also been abused growing up, and she was passing that abuse on to you kids. Though not true in every case, abuse survivors very often abuse their own kids but again, not in every case. Abuse tends to affect people differently, specifically if those survivors were ever raped. Rape can affect victims in one of two ways, they either want to much sex or none at all. Yes, it's one of the two extremes because sex abuse is more widespread than people may realize. I'll just about bet you your mom was just not ready for kids, or maybe she may have not wanted any at all because maybe she had other life plans before ever is considering kids. Maybe because something happened and kids came along and disrupted her life plans may have had at least something to do with why you all were abused, most likely because her life plans were sabotaged by having kids, especially if there happened to be a high-paying career involved. There is definitely some form of resentment going on in this person's heart but I don't know that she'll ever resolve it. What I can promise you is at the end of her life she'll reach the place of deep regret. I know this for a fact because I recently got a feeling about my bio dad that never would have hit me like a freight train unless it was God leading me in on the secret in the middle of the night. I don't know if dad expressed his deep hurt and anger, but somethings went on at the end of his life and he was very emotionally disturbed. It was God who revealed this little secret to me since I couldn't be there before he died. When his life was about over, it was God who revealed to me that dad was so mentally anguished knowing he never see me again and he felt regret for what happened to me growing up and he never did a thing to stop it. Right at the end of his life he realized he would never see me again and he would never see his grandkids out of me and I'm the only one who could give him grandkids. That's because I'm the only one left. No, I couldn't be there, but it was God who let me in on the very last part of my dad's life and his very intense agonizing feelings. I just don't know whether or not he ever expressed them but he was definitely fighting against someone taking advantage of him toward the end. It was God who revealed this to me. God saw it all and was able to tell me. Yes, it was revealed by God that my dad was even in tears toward the end and when God reveals things, you never forget it because it sticks with you the rest of your life. Some time all of the users must come to the point of regret, even if it's on their deathbed. That's because they know they did wrong and they'll have to answer for it.
One day even your own abuser will come to the end of her own life. This is why walking away now will help more than you realize because it plants that seed of sending a very strong message without necessarily having to say a word. Walking away now will one day manifest into her eventually realizing what she lost and why. Eventually she'll realize she was in the wrong. I wasn't there when my dad died, I wasn't there since I left many years ago and I haven't communicated with either of my parents. Both of them died without ever making things right with me personally. Even you as an abuse survivor will eventually come to that place of knowing something even if you can't be there. When God reveals to you something about your abuser, you won't feel a bit guilty for leaving because it wasn't your fault you had to leave, it was the abusers fault. Therefore, the problem is on the abuser, not your problem. Just know that everything is on heavens candid camera being recorded as we speak, so live in peace by just getting yourself out of there and living a life of freedom. I would hate to see you waste your life or even another moment in this predicament because if you do you'll one day regret you didn't break free when you had the chance. Don't waste another moment of your life with this abuser who is only destroying you
When confronted in this formal way, and when things are spelled out, most bullies back down. Of course, this rests on the assumption that she is not yet demented. If she is, then get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, heed the advice of CountryMouse!
Good luck!
I would wash my hands of this nasty woman. You owe her nothing after the way she has been treating you all of your life. Make detailed notes of her abuses and threats twoard you now and going back to your childhood. She sounds as though she has narcissistic personality disorder--she's victimizing and using you while claiming to be the victim and she lacks an ethical core and empathy. You owe her nothing.
Your post is a document. Do not change a word. Ask 2 more people who can and will to sign this, make copies and submit to any and all health care or social service worker
Further, not only will that get you in trouble but disturb care as you have already mentioned no one in the family can help out with her. If they take her to a nursing home that could get worse as she is going to think everyone is abusing her and life can be difficult for her. Continue doing the good, but let everyone know about her stories just in case some one mis-inteprent the whole story and believe its true. Again try and ask her what she needs and what she thinks you re not doing for her or whatever she says is not right with her that you doing. See if you can do it differently and do not forget to ask her if she is ok with anything help or even just talking to her. Ask her to instruct you the way she wants things done if possible, so you follow exactly how she wants them done. Especially, when you mention that she is different person when she is at the doctors and when she is at home. I think she knows what she is doing. Talk to her and ask her if she is comfortable with you taking care of her and if not, suggest other places like nursing home where she can meet friends and prefer being taken care by other people. I think you can have some one in a nursing home for just a week and probably try that, then ask her about her experience and make her own choice.
But try different things with her see where she is comfortable. Otherwise some people are what they are. You can not straighten a tree when its old and bend. What you need to do is to let all that are involved in her care know about how she behaves towards you.
However, its not ideal at this point for you to remember how she pulled your hair when you were young. When we are kids we do different things that irritate parents especially dangerous games, talk about it, we try so many things and it takes a lot of efforts for parent observation and control to teach us good and bad. So we can not remember and talk about how we behaved that led to you moms pulling our hair. Therefore, that should or can not be the basis for you and us to paint or judge your mother towards the way and reason she is behaving now. No!
I understand what you going through. I wish you had other members of the family helping so you can have her change caregivers and so you take a break, see if she behaves the same way. Otherwise my advise is you record all conversations just in case.
Caring for elders is tricky. Not only do you have to deal with their health problems and (depending on what's going on) their erratic behavior. You also have to deal with relatives who might care more about themselves than doing the right thing by their elders. We live in a society that values narcissistic behavior. It is socially acceptable to behave in ways consistent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
This means, NO MATTER WHAT, you have to protect yourself. The first thing to do is to Keep Good Records. In Elder Care, that means keeping both good financial and care records. If you are handling the elder's money, you definitely need to record Every (and I mean Every) expenditure. A single entry ledger works fine for this. Your entries would look like: date,merchant,reason and amount. At the end of the month, add it up. Keep All receipts. Use prudence when you spend the elder's money. Some siblings would question you spending money on trips for the elder. However, if the excursions are to reasonable places, places that the elder likes and are affordable, that's fine. If you are providing care for the elder while the elder travels, it's OK for the elder to pay your way. Siblings who question these sort of expenses are clearly out for the money. (Some people would question casino trips. If this is an activity the elder has enjoyed and you set a prudent gambling budget, that's OK. If you, as the caregiver, choose to gamble, it's with your own money.) Another thing you will want to do is keep a Log Book, documenting your elder care activities. Keep a log book similar to that a businessman must keep, to track business related expenses. You would want to write down: date/time leaving your house, start odometer, date/time returned to your house, ending odometer reading (yes, you want to track mileage), reason for the visit / tasks done, expenses incurred. You will also want to use this log book to note changes / concerns you have about the elder you're caring for. Again, save receipts.
Should there be any question about how you've cared for your elder, or what you've spent the elder's money on, your records will help protect you. When you have to interact with professional caregivers, the fact you have good records and are writing down what you are seeing going on, can mean the difference between problems being ignored and problems being dealt with. Some elders are very good at concealing that they are having memory problems. Many elders who are personality disordered are good at playing 'as if'--they don't act abusive when they're in public or at the doctor's, but they ride a broomstick when at home. My mother is this way. She's a perfectly nice little old lady, but she's an emotionally abusive, highly manipulative, lying witch behind closed doors who is an expert at pushing buttons.
I did consult various professionals regarding elder care in the situation where the elder is emotionally abusive and where there is a history of the elder being abusive towards you. All experts I consulted have told me that, in no circumstances, should you provide personal, hands-on care to a relative that has a long history of being abusive towards you. You are far better off leaving this to professionals. Your responsibility is to see that the elder is safe and in an appropriate living situation. Care Coordinators are not cheap, but when you are dealing with an abusive elder or have personality disordered relatives who have 'interest' in the elder. You want a care coordinator who is either a geriatric social worker or an advanced practitioner nurse with experience in geriatrics and mental health. A good care coordinator is used to (and trained) to deal with difficult elders and dysfunctional families / personality disordered relatives. Many times, these people will believe the opinions of the care coordinator over you. The care coordinator's job is to see that the elder get the appropriate care that he or she needs and see to it that it is quality care. Sometimes, caregivers don't realize that the elder needs more specialized care or more time consuming care, care beyond what's reasonable for a family caregiver to provide. In evaluating a case, the care coordinator will look for this sort of problem. Should the elder be entering assisted living or a nursing home, the care coordinator can see that the elder is getting the right level of care, that the facility isn't trying to get the family to pay for more care than the elder needs or isn't providing less care than is contracted for.
You just really need to just eliminate this toxic person from your life. Start working on finding a place for her to live., if you need to. Or a place for you--I don't see that she's suffering from dementia--she's just mean. Lots of mean people in NH's, sadly,
Would you have anything to do with her if she was just a stranger on the street? Or a neighbor? Probably not. A mother who was/is abusive doesn't change overnight into someone sweet and loving. Many people here have had wonderful, loving childhoods and enjoy caring for their folks, b/c of the healthy, love they received as children. Sadly, there are far too many of us who were mentally or physically abused and now our parent cannot fathom why we're distant or completely missing in action!
Get away from her, or get her away from you. Either way, just get out. And don't go back unless you want more of the same. IF your mom needs help and feels independent to do so, she can figure it out. There are many agencies that cater to the elderly. You don't have to do it.
I wouldn't worry too much about the Dr's opinions. If one of them had suspected you of senior abuse, you'd know by now. Geriatric drs see the gamut of patients and they are not stupid. Likely they see your mother for exactly what she is--and aren't blaming you.
Just a thought--if you live with her, try going "away" to a hotel for a few days to rest and think. (Don't call or tell mom) but make sure somebody you trust knows where you are---just take a load off your mind and rest. Think about the future and make those tough decisions.
My heart aches for you, I was also abused and manipulated by my mother--emotionally, not physically. Sometimes I wish she HAD hit me, instead of guilting me all the time. Mother has also stated she wished she'd never had children. That cuts to the core, doesn't it? To have someone just tell you that they wish you didn't exist?
You are not alone.
"Actressing" is some elders' way to get what they want. Very childlike and unacceptable!
Also, what if she totally flips out even further and assaults you? Adult Protective Services should be told what's really going on behind closed doors!
If u have to sell her home to place her somewhere or reverse mortage or an equity loan on her home to have someone come in and care for her. Is she on meds or med compliant?
You need an ally. I can only think of social worker. Maybe public health nurse also. They should be able to get u in touch with approiate Drs.
RN
adios.
I was going to type that anyway, because I do understand your choice. But it also just occurred to me to ask. If you have nothing at all to do with your mother, what are you doing on AgingCare.com?
I'm sorry for your vivid and painful memories.
What do yo mean to ask what she's doing on this site? Her mother traumatized her and that stays with you and you keep thinking about it and trying to work it out in your head even if you can no longer interact with the parent.
She has always had a personality disorder, and towards the later years would start hitting my dad. We could never figure out what was her problem. Negative towards anything and everything.
In January of 2016, she was hospitalized for 2 months and the doctors stated that they would not release to her home, she lived alone. Note she had raging fits in the hospital.
Well come to find out she has dementia, and has had it for years. When she became dehydrated it set her into a state of delirium, which put the dementia full throttle.
She has been in a memory care unit for 4 months, and she has had raging fits while there, however, I can safely walk away from it.
Bottom line, safety is first. When they go into a raging fit, it is unpredictable what they will do. Society puts a lot of pressure on us that our parents took care of us, we need to take care of them. I am sorry but taking care of an 80 year old in a raging fit versus a 2 year old toddler is a different ball game. The 2 years old toddler will not take a gun to you and say your name. Thank God the gun was not loaded.
I no longer have to listen to her phone calls telling me how horrible I am or my dad was. I will not give her phone in memory care as it would be a nightmare, and quite frankly I have lived with her mental abuse for 53 years and I am tired. I see that she cared for, make her doctors appointments, and bring over groceries. The rest is up to the facility and God. I have learned I cannot please her or control her emotions.
How do I know? I had a friend who was going through a messy divorce. Her estranged husband was making very serious threat against her, over the phone. He was now living in one state; she lived in another. He got her arrested for doing this, because the federal government requires that all parties consent to the recording of telephone conversations. She had to hire a federal criminal defense lawyer. She was disabled at the time and living on a fixed income. Once the federal magistrate's judge and the prosecuting attorney heard what she recorded and the estranged husband's motivations, the US assistant attorney decided to drop the charges. However, she was out thousands of dollars that she had paid for a federal defense attorney.
Your mother sounds awful. I don't think you're even obligated to take her groceries, etc. You have to act like a mother to be treated like one. Please take care of you.
I know a few good innocent folks(falselyaccused)and it almost destroyed their entire life of all different ages.)I know they all reside in diff states,and the recording work perfectly for their home interaction. No issue in Cali,VA.,DE.,or in NJ.(but don't hurt to talk to lawyer) and also i am not sure where the poster is from.) Recording it is the best fullproof irrefutable evidence,if ever warranted. So thread starter/OP(original poster)protect yourself.You have to. Just in case,chica.
Adios.
I know that it's OK in NY.
I know it's not OK in MA (where I live), nor is it OK when it involves interstate communication. MA and the Feds are All Parties must agree; NY, CA, DE, etc. are one party states.
Unfortunately, the adage 'No Good Deed Goes Unpunished...' seems to apply to caregiving. I firmly believe in doing the right thing (I was raised by retired hard core military men, by choice, not by my parents), even when those deeds go unsung and unacknowledged. However, it's always a good idea to cover your a$$. Keep records, take notes. Take pictures and make recordings--but make sure you stay within the law. Also, place your health and the well-being of your own family (and that includes your marriage) above caregiving.
Au Revoir,
DoN