My dad remarried when I was 25 and now I am in my mid 30s and have 2 kids living with my husband. My dad and his wife live in India and we live in USA.
Everytime they visit, his wife always hints on how they are getting old and who will be caring for them. My dad has a house, gets pension and full medical coverage. In case something happens to my dad, his wife will have the house and she will continue getting 50% of the pension money+health insurance. I feel she married my dad thinking that when she gets old she can rely on his kids. But, this time I made it very clear to my dad's wife that for my father I will always be there for him but I won't be able to take her responsibility. Let's say my father gets bedridden or anything happens I as his daughter will be there but it's not nice to except that I am going to do the same for her. I was very direct to her and mentioned I am sure you guys have talked about it before getting married and she went all silence.
Am I being insensitive? Because I truly feel I should not be held responsible for her in any case.
You do not owe his wife anything. Your father remarried when you were 25 years old, It's not like this woman raised you or was a parent figure to you in any way.
You don't owe her.
I'm going to take an easy leap and guess she doesn't have any relatives, or she's also a pill to them.
At any rate, you've already taken care of the Everytime-they-visit problem of her repeatly talking about how they are getting old, etc, etc.
Yes, she has no clue about how to broach a concern, a very important factor that often dictates the form that responses take in turn, but you shot with both barrels in order to stop her harping. Not the best thing to do. BTDT.
There are lots of people that, rather than directly say what they mean, will dance around a concern, and especially a fear.
Btw, I'd be very interested to know if she said that to you alone or while your husband or dad were around to hear. I'm also curious to know if you ever called other people your dad and she have visited and asked if she made that statement to them as well. And I'm super curious to know if you said your piece about taking care of dad only for her ears alone or in front of your dad too. Whoa.
At any rate, maybe after the smoke has cleared, you can sit her down and say, "Look, I know you're worried. Everybody is eventually. I thought about it and here are my recommendations, (1) when the time comes have a friend move in with you, or (2) Start tutoring a child now, or children, be endearing and they will look-in on their adopted Auntie in later years, or (3) Start making sweets and invite neighbors or special friends for tea fairly regularly, or (4) Start handing out coupons, and what I mean by coupons is to start doing kindnesses/favors to people and then when you are in need you can comfortably call in on those coupons, or (5) As you become older perhaps rent out a room(s) inexpensively to students with the agreement that they help with housework and shopping, or (6) If you haven't done this already it's never too late to create a welcoming, friendly, inviting home of easy comfort, warmth, laughter and maybe music. Give people memories of comradery and conversation that has nothing to do with fears and aches so that they may want to come back to and look-in on old friends with reasonable regularity in later days. Become the gentle oasis of life's cares.
In answer to your question - Am I being insensitive?
Yes. Your delivery was not only a screw driver right between the eyes, you also twisted it by saying you'd take care of your father but not her. There's something more going on here.
But your stand is your stand. Don't ever promise or even suggest help or anything you can't or won't deliver. I wouldn't either.
Stick to you guns but, heaven knows I know it's difficult, try to swap those guns for pool noodles. For your well being you've got to use language more creatively.
I don't remember where I read or heard this, and I'm going to mess it up, but hopefully it'll be helpful…Disarm your opponent by acknowledging - "I know it's a worry". Then, deflect away from you - "Later let's think about your options".
Then leave her space and give thanks it's a visit.
Dad chose her, so your help in keeping them together would probably be very much appreciated.
Hopefully, you can find the right fit somewhere near you so that you can visit often.
I do disagree, a little, about writing off a parent’s spouse if “they didn’t raise you.” My dad and step mom have been together for over 40 years. A few years ago, my sister and I were talking and she pointed out how, despite being quite different in temperament, background, education and hobbies, our step mom has loved and accepted our dad unconditionally. It got me thinking about the value to me and to my sister of my dad being loved wholeheartedly. They met a year or so after my parents separated, and it was easy to take for granted that my dad found love again. Having more life experience, I now realize how unlikely it is to find a such an affirming and loving partnership. Their marriage has made him happier than he would have been — they have truly shared their life.
When people have asked me whether I would be willing to care for my stepmom if my dad dies before her, I can say I know it would be very hard (she is so independent that she can be antagonistic towards helpers/caregivers). But I wouldn’t hesitate. Not because anyone expects me to. On the contrary, she assumes that none of her kids (she has 3 sons) nor my sister or me will care for her. But I would want to take care of her because she has loved my dad, who I love and cherish so much. And also because my dad loves her, I would want to take care of her. I hope my stepbrothers feel the same way about my dad.
Is it because your dad married her, and you didnt get to know her? I can understand if you had your dad all to yourself, then she came along. Then he paid more attention to her. She is the wife. That is normal. Feeling are feelings. Nothing wrong with how you feel. Just have to figure out where the feelings are coming from. Are they rational? Sometimes feelings can come from our little kid self, and not be rational. We can decide to hold onto them, or change them. I've had knee jerk reactions, then realized that some feelings were from my own insecurities, and I chose to change them.
Maybe dad thought you are older and on your own. You had a boyfriend, or husband, then family and making your own way in the world. And he was lonely. You were doing fine and clung to your husband. Now he has someone. Who wants to be lonely? Nothing wrong with that. That is the natural way of things.
Maybe she likes you and considers you family. Maybe not trying to burden you, but wants to know if something happens, you'll seem a tad bit interested to make a phone call now and then. Not good riddance lady. Why is it so bad she gets 50% of your dad's money? What is she supposed to do? Give you 100% then live on the street? She is there sharing meals, cleaning, caring about your dad every day. Your dad wants her to be there.
Just things to consider.
Maybe you can talk to them both about estate planning and contingencies. Like if they need in home help. Or that you have children and can't drop everything to go to another country to care take for months on end.
My parents were totally unprepared for contingenies. Huge problems resulted.
Just things to consider. Maybe she feels lucky to have you as family.
Your post seems like you only tolerate her for dad's sake.
Unless there's some health factor that you haven't mentioned, practical caregiving is not likely to become an issue for a considerable length of time yet; and I doubt if either of them thinks in a serious way that they are getting old as such. Thinking ahead to what they'll do and where they will live when they do is different. Are you sure she isn't hinting that they might want to settle in the States?
From what you describe, it sounds to me more as if after ten years of marriage she was looking for some indication that you now consider her family, and would give a monkey's if she were on her own and needing help. Your response was the equivalent of "sod off, you needn't think I'll be wiping your butt" - but at least she knows where she stands.
Financially she's sitting pretty, she'll be able to hire any support she needs. What she's after is acceptance, perhaps even love, at least to know there are people who care what becomes of her. Don't you think?
Sushanghose, so the woman expects you to pay for her plane tickets to visit after Dad passes? A little nervy there isn't she? I guess she thinks marrying Dad his kids came with it. Again, u did good laying it on the line. Do not promise Dad anything. Make him aware that if he goes before her that she will be on her own. That you cannot be expected to care for her and that coming to the US will not happen for the reasons I listed in my first post. His wife needs to plan for any future without her husband since she has no children. (She couldn't come to the US without u sponsoring her anyway, right, so no problem there, u don't sponsor her)
I do not consider this woman a step-mother because she never raised you. There is no bond there. She is your fathers wife. That is how she needs to look at your relationship. You are not her daughter, you are ur father's daughter.
I also think that “I as his daughter will be there ” is probably not the right way to put it. She as his wife is the one that ought ‘to be there’. You shouldn’t give the impression that you will be ‘there’, as in on the spot in India. You want to take some responsibility to make sure that he has appropriate care (and from the sound of it he already has adequate arrangements), and of course you will try to visit in an emergency, but if you have a husband and two children in the USA, you can’t just up and leave for any long period. She may be very happy to think that she will be moving to the USA and moving in with you, so it’s quite important to be clear about ‘where’, not just ‘there’.
Your new stepmother will almost certainly have reported the conversation back to your father. It’s your father’s business to make the situation clear to her, and a talk to your father could be a good idea.
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Sounds like a reasonable option.
IMO this woman had nothing to do with raising you. She is your fathers wife. If Dad gets sick, its her responsibility to care for him and visa versa. I give you lots of credit laying it on the line now. Yes, if she has no family she and Dad need to make sure she is safe and secure. Bringing her to the States or even him is really not an option if you can't financially support them.
I don't think you are being insensitive in the least, I think she is being presumptuous.
You should fully understand what taking care of dad looks like if he isn't a United States citizen and does not have the ability to claim Medicare. Insurance is cost prohibitive and he won't be eligible for any assistance for years, he will be self pay. Or, you will be living in a foreign country in a house that this woman is the mistress of.
It is time to find out what dads plans are for care, if needed.
You don't say if you have plans to take your father into your care in your own home should he require that care? Have you discussed with him?
I don't know if your father and step Mom intend to continue to live in India where care is much less costly than in the USA?
I don't know what monies your father has saved for his own care, and for the care of his wife should he predeceed, and vice versa?
All of these things make an enormous difference.
I hope that your Father has left his money to his wife, or a life estate in any home he may have. This will help her provide for her care should your father die before her. I hope she has done the same.
You clearly do not see your Dad's wife as a "mother figure". Is she by any chance of East Indian descent? There is often cultural expectations when that is the case. You are right to set them straight.
Your speaking frankly has now made clear to stepmom that she cannot count on you for her care should your father die before she does, and should she need care of children. She will likely speak of this with your Dad; your Dad, if he has not, may feel he needs must provide a "safety net" of a sort for his wife. That is assuming she does not have children of her own.
Cultures vary. In our own I think there is NO ASSUMPTION that children will "care for us". Neither our natural nor the issue of our blended families.
I have in fact made it clear that my children are NOT TO DO SO as has my partner to his own children. I hope to have their love; I hope not to have their care in age. My partner raised two children and I raised two children. ALL are aware they are not to be caregivers. As to my partner and I, we are approaching age (no 80 and 82 respectively) knowing we must provide for ONE ANOTHER, and then proceeds left will go to our children. That has required careful Trust and Estate Management. I hope your Dad and Stepmom have done the same.
Again, openness is a wonderful thing and I think you should ALL be discussing this together. Your father, your step mom, your siblings, you, and issue SHE has of a previous marriage (if she has any). The children should be aware of the plans their aging parents have set in place for their own care and for the care of their spouse. At some point, as the inevitable approaches, yearly updates are a good thing, along with discussion of successor trustees and accounts, of POD and policies. Of POA, MPOA and who gets it and who is second. Of wills and trusts. Of health care directions.
It makes sense, it is honest, and it keeps things clear.
I am glad you aren't dancing around issues. When something is dropped on your doorstep it needs addressing in one way or another. So, congratulations.
You did her a favor to let her know how you feel in advance. She is not that old. Nor is he. Hopefully they will plan accordingly.
It does occur to me that because they married, she may provide him a lot of care that he may have otherwise depended on his children for. Hopefully he will care for her as well. Married men usually live longer than single men.