90 year old ornery mom refusing to let me double check her meds, per 2 MD's request. Dementia is getting worse, but she is still independent in many things. Lives in senior independent living facility. I have set boundaries, taken time away from seeing her or talking to her to give myself a break. The minute we talk about it, she becomes difficult, mean and I get mad. She absolutely refuses homecare.
Do set boundaries, only this time make the boundary the dividing line between what you will and what you will not accept responsibility for. That way you don't have to "talk about it" and she won't be mean and you won't get mad.
When (probably) something happens as a consequence, and if this also results in your being given or acquiring the *authority* to intervene, you can always revisit your boundaries. But: no authority = no responsibility is the golden rule.
I would also go over her meds with her doctor. If she takes a cholesterol medication, does she really need it. (Its been proven that Statins contribute to dementia) There maybe some things that can be cut out. With my Mom she had graves desease. In the hospital she was given a med to slow down her heart. After seeing a thyroid doctor, all her tests were normal after taking the meds prescribed. She no longer had a racing heart. I questioned why she was still on the med, she was weaned off. If I hadn't said anything, she'd probably remained on them. She was taken off her cholesterol med. She had already had high enzymes. Thyroid dr. said she should never had been put back on them.
Daddy was taking his cholesterol meds to about a week before he passed. Mother was putting them in his food--and frantic b/c he was barely able to swallow and they taste vile.
After a long look at all the meds he was on, it was decided to eliminate ALL of them except for his palliative meds. His stress level dropped precipitously.
Mother is 90 and on a TON of stuff. She complains constantly about 'still being here' but then is so on top of all the meds, including insulin. She often points to her insulin and says "If I wanted to, I could quit taking this and I'd die in 2 weeks". Now, my line is supposed to be "OH, please, mom, no!! You can never die! Please take your insulin!"
Being the brat that I am, I say "whatever you want mom. Take your meds or don't."
I HAVE walked away from any 'care' for mother. She asked me to stop going in her apartment and 'touching her things' (that's called 'cleaning') so I agreed to stay out of her apartment. I shouldn't go in there anyway, she has feral birds that have pooped on every surface--it's a health hazard.
You don't have sibs? Then you're kind of stuck--but you could talk to her Drs. and let them know she's an elder in danger. Or call APS and let them deal.
If she's in an assisted living, they likely have 'step up' programs that allow for more intense care. YOU don't have to be the one doing it, Esp as it makes her mad and you frustrated.
I'd definitely talk to her doctor and find out if all of her meds are necessary. Cut out any that aren't and see if those that are can be crushed. Maybe feed them to her in apple sauce or pudding. It's a good way to hide them.
Good luck to you, I hope it works!
I suppose some with fiesty personalities are going to go down fighting - not sit peacefully on the porch & fade away watching the sunset.