How are you remembering your Mother for Mother's DAy 2010?

SS:

As a young child, the Boogeyman had my birth mother's face on it. ... When my parents divorced, I moved to western Brazil with my Dad and was raised by his mother (Cunda) and sometimes supervised by his four concubines. Over time, Cunda's TLC overrode those nasty childhood memories I brought from NY.

Cunda, who's turning 104 in September, only asked for a kiss at sunrise and one before going to bed. She never asked for anything else, except that we grew up to become decent, self-reliant, productive human beings. ... All 19 did just that. We honor her every day of the year (a little white rose every time we visit, a phone call to ask for one of those Old World recipes, a brief letter to let her know we're okay. To us Mother's Day isn't a yearly event. It's a timeless day that began when we first felt her love.

To me, Cunda is the only mother I've ever known.

Mother's Day has always been a hard one for me, as I didn't have a loving mother. She was and is the most difficult person I've ever had to deal with. Picking out cards was always hard, because the lovely verses just didn't fit. Mom was mean, and didn't communicate much with us, except to complain or demand something, period. This year, I probably won't do anything, because the past year was very destructive to us, due to her complaints, accusations, and actions. It's very sad. I will just relish the love of my little boy, and thank God for him, and for my ailing dad.

I went out and got myself a beautiful hanging basket with orange and pink geraniums in it. Then I told my husband that's what he got me for mother's day, and that he had really good taste. He was happy not to have to go shopping. Win Win!!

SSister, I read you 'about an hour ago' and your words were read with all my heart; I want you to know this. To be honest, after reading your post I think I fell into a well of thought. I believe there are many of us, SS, that can go on with our lives, succeed and live relatively happy lives after growing up in any sadness or trauma inflicted childhoods but the healthiest thing I can see is being open about it. To accept what was,
to take it and change the bad to good for this next generation, just as you are doing for your little boy. Nothing will ever change what has happened in the past; to grow from it and being better than it is a blessing to all who achieve making the change. Your little boy thanks you each day of his life, by his smile, by his trust in you, by his love for you but I thank you for being such a wonderful Mother to him. The world certainly needs more good Mothers for there are children in this world who are not so blessed.
SSister, I do not know know or claim to know all that is wrong with your Mother. I know you posted that she has mental illness. May I ask a personal question and share something at the same time with you?
Has she seen a neurologist? The reason I ask this (and you probably already know this) is because a neurologist can diagnose and rule in or rule out so many more things than a family doctor can. Due to my Mom being diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma in the Spring of 2008, Mom underwent only one week of chemo which was so strong that it left her deathly ill. It not only knocked her whole system out of line, it knocked her on into a very heavy state of dementia. For the first time in my life, I viewed my dear Mother as someone I did not know. I viewed a mean streak that really showed more paranoia than being mean. The odd thing was she held nothing back in aiming the gun of meaness toward others but with me, she was always gentle. This went against me in a round about way because it made my family not want to be around her and they were jealous because she did not do it to me. I have no answers at all as to why she did not show anger towards me. It will always be a mystery. Anyway, her Oncologist pulled in a neurosurgeon who ran all the brain tests, etc. and yes, he could see the dementia but he prescribed her two drugs: Aricept for memory and Abilify for her moods. And they worked. Aricept, as the neur. told us is a drug that is being studied and thought to be one that anyone who is between 55 to 60 years or older should begin taking it. He went on to explain that studies showed that if people, especially people who have mental illness in their family, took it that it would help them keep their memory longer, thus people would not suffer from dementias as early as they normally would, therefore they would have the chance of staying out of nursing homes for a longer length of time. It made sense as we listened to him. Once Mom started taking it, it took almost a week for it to begin working and they told us it could be as long as 14 days before we may see the effects of it. The Abilify toned her. It is a wonderful drug, especially for the elderly; #1 - it is a safe one and when I say 'tone', I mean just that. She was not drugged up. She was not dragging. She was 'just so normal' and it was a beautiful sight to see her like this from where she had just been in an upsetting state of mind. SS, I just wanted to tell you about these two medications. You may already know about them; she may have already tried them. When those two drugs do not work though, there is something else out there to try. Mom's doctors learned from me that I am a hard basketball to bounce. It is so hard for me to take 'No' as an answer. When she has been sick and it doesn't look like they're coming up with anything, that is when I've told them to start looking--- with this whole wide world full of the technology and the medical findings it holds, do not tell me you've looked under every stone.
People get tired and worn out from the caregiving; as one person posted days ago, she felt like she was in a haze. That 'haze' is for real and it can keep one from thinking sensible thoughts. When I pray again, I am thanking the Lord for your adoptive Mother. Praising Him for sending her to you, SS. I have a sister. I talk with her every other day but she does not know me. She does not care for me nor our Mom. To get close to either of us would make her 'involved' and that she will not do because she has never wanted to have anything to do with caring for Mom. How sad for her, and I've told her so because there are so many things she is missing.
I have one more thing for you, SS and for anyone else out there who needs this. I won't go into explaining anything for I've made this post long enough already (sorry folks for taking extra space) but please visit the author, Stormie Omartian's website and when the main page comes up, click on About Stormie.
SS, I think you're going to be okay with me sending you this web address. May the Lord Jesus just hold you close to Him and may He give you a hug for me. You are in my prayers dear one.
~ madison

Madison, you're a wise and caring person. When I read about your neighbor friend and your father, I thought my mean mom is nothing compared to what you've been through and my heart goes out to you for what you saw in your childhood. Abuse is abuse no matter how it is meted out. The damage can be long lasting, if not forever.
Every time I try to "get over it", here she comes again, just like SS's mom. I had a father who thought I hung the moon so I knew what love felt like and mom didn't show any love. I was bewildered for many yrs then it turned to dislike, distrust and disgust . . . fast forward to entering my senior yrs and it's STILL going on. I've been there for her since dad died but it wasn't good enough so she chose her paid caregiver over me and my kids. How do you think it felt to sit in her home, exhausted from caring for her,while holding down a job, family, etc and she says to me and my son that she's decided her caregiver is going to take over, we're no longer needed? At least I had a witness.
Except to be hateful, why would she go to a lawyer to revoke my POA? I wasn't even her primary POA, my son was. She said I stole financial papers(I did not) yet I just found out by accident that I'm still on her joint banking acct. All of this is pure meaness. I thought it was going to come to an end with the revocation but more stuff is surfacing. I can keep on forgiving but I can't forget because she won't let me. Call me terrible but when it comes to mom, I can't keep taking this garbage with a smile, I'm tired of a lifetime of it and I just don't want to anymore. I have a good life, I love my family, my job, my friends, everything is good or at least tolerable and then there's mom . . .
I wish all of you a very Happy Mother's Day! If you have a loving mother, you are very blessed.

Madison, to answer your questions: my mom has seen a Neurologist. Her guardian says she's "getting worse." Meaning, her memory is worsening. She can't remember what people tell her, even important legal stuff. She has been diagnosed with multiple Personality Disorders, (not multiple personalities). And she has not the above mentioned meds. I'm not in charge of her health care, and have no say in it. While guardian, I did get her off 200 mcg. patches of Fentanyl, which she combined with Codeine #4, and #3, as well as alcohol (quite deadly). She's been abusing narcotics for years, and so much damage has been done. Nothing will improve that. She's also been through Cancer surgery, Chemo and Radiation in the past year, and has Emphysema and COPD. She can't walk a block, but she maintains her hatred towards me, maintaining that I'm the problem for all her ills. Little does she know she caused it all herself long ago, but refuses to accept that. Easier to blame someone else, I guess. Funny thing is, she has some people believing her, and enabling her, both socially and legally. Hard to honor her. When she was bedridden and helpless, I was the only one caring for her. As a child, I never could please her, and this continues to this day. She has escalated her attacks, drawing others in anger against me, to the point of ignoring her mistreatment of my dad, sister and me. Several have believed a lie, and have joined her campaign against me.

I have decided that Mother's Day makes me feel so miserable, because it makes me think of her. That is not a pleasant thought. Sorry to hijack this thread.

Again, if you have a good and godly Mother, thank God for her. Never take that for granted. But if you do, I don't have to tell you that, do I?

Like SS, AMD, myself and my wife, mother's day is really not that great and we focus more on our own family which we have tried to make better than the one's we came from. I continue to find it somewhat strang that on Mother's Day we are also remembering a mother's death upon which the whole reason for this day's existence stands.

My church and denomination takes up a special offering every mother's day for those in our rest homes. Again as important as that is, it strikes me as a focus in dying. Why can't we do something differnt each year like focus on ministries for single parent mothers, battered mothers, or unwed mothers? I think there needs to be a focus on mothers in the right now of life in their various challenging circumstances as well as in memory of and in their elderly declining years.

Also, in recent years, some churches now have a 'blue christmas' service for people for whom that season of the year is very painful I think it would be good if such a special alternative service for both Mother's Day and Father's day could be created.

This is a really random thought but May is Mental Health Month and the very first week of May is Children's Mental Health Week followed by women's mental health week during the second week of May. Yesterday, May 7, was Children's Mental Health Awareness Day. With Mother's Day in the middle of the two, I could see tying it in with each and/or with one per year for obvious reasons.

I must be rationalizing ways of getting around Mother's Day in its traditional sense. However, I think given the realities of life such a focus would be far more relavent to moms of various types and experiences in this time of year. I'm just thinking outside of the box which I'm sure the idealists and traditionalists would not like at all but the pragmatists would appreciate and welcome.

My sons and I, and my best friend and her sons are taking us to Catalina for the day. Normally on Mother's Day we, meaning mom, sister, and all our kids go to Malibu for Dinner. This year my mom only asked for Chinese food and my sister said she would get it. I will go over moms house this evening and wish her a Happy MOther's Day, but I'm going to spend Mother's Day with my sons because they planned this and it's the first time they've planned anything this extravagant for us.

That's sweet, Pamela. Hope your day is blessed. I'm with your mom. I would ask for Chinese, too.

Those are interesting ideas, Sir Crowe. Alternative plans R US.