Sacrificing one family member for another... Has anyone else dealt with this???

Please understand that your vows were to your husband, not to your mother and you are responsible for a dependent child, even by law. So, much as you love your mother, she is the third in line for your caring. Life moves forward. She cared for you, you care for your child. It cannot fully move back

My story has several parts very similar to you. Sis was diagnosed with LBD a couple years ago-had symptoms of something not right for several years before with memory issues and managing her everyday life. Sis was ready-with no nudging from family to go to assisted living to feel safe and also remove some of the daily concerns of meds and meals by going to a community life style. Eventually Sis says she is willing to come "home" back to where we grew up and where our parents and I live in the same city. Parents are alive at 95 and sis knew the clock was ticking for them and the ability to be together before they would pass. Sis had many increasing behavior and physical problems and needed to be moved to different care places-was exhausting and took a toll on sis/me. Before the last move in March of 2019, covid and all that, I was at my wits end of trying to find a nice safe place was not easy many obstacles-some even caused by previous community-kept us from getting to a good safe place.

At one point I was ready to throw in the towel and have sis move in with my family so I could take care of her-that she would get the best possible care. My husband telling me-we will never have a day off to ourselves we will be on duty 24/7, to make sure sis does not try to escape, has dry briefs, gets her meds, gets a bath and try to squeeze in some quality time with sis, while my youngest is finishing up his degree. My parents have home care been a real struggle getting good care-dad falling, not kept clean things not going well on that front. Even with help from the outside-responsibility for keeping things afloat would have been on me. I am one person-I knew I could not do the job of 4-5 people that would be available and involved with care at a community. My second job getting parents to the dr. and doing their bills, taxes and pills in my spare time. I had to say no at some point-I can not do all of this indefinitely. My sister has since passed away only 2 years after moving here.

Do I wish now that I had ended up bringing my sister home? I dont know that we would have had any more special moments or not, would she have lived longer? I dont know that either. Would I have been exhausted trying to do everything all day? Yes. I knew it would be too hard to try bringing my sister home to my house and then say sorry sis I can not do this any more and then take her back to a community if I could even find a spot during covid would be nearly impossible to do.

We have to make tough choices-I am sorry I could not stop the disease/let alone modern medicine could not save her either and have more time with my sister. I had to accept that I am one person although- I would try to give it my all I am not wonder woman. I had to accept the trajectory of my sister's life was going to be basically what it was-a few happy moments when she knew me and knew my name, a few good days, a few good conversations, a few visits to Bob Evans for blueberry pancakes was all I could do/give during a Covid year. I was able to give sis a lifetime of love, kisses and hopefully comfort during her last week of life in Hospice.

Depends is the husband being the backbone rational person of what is good for child and wife? Or is he being selfish?

if your mother is in decent managed care, there is nothing wrong with her living her end of days there.

guilt has no place in care, could of, should have, would have are moments of emotional weakness.

I wouldn’t pull my mother out of good managed care, I would love her in the stable environment she is in and seek to pour more care into a mental health of our child

I haven't been in that situation but I would chose my child over my parent.  If your mother has dementia she may not know that she is home with you to pass. And why torture your child with this when you know they already have anxiety about this virus and everything concerning the death issues.  you will end up having more problems than you want.  I know it has to be hard probably because you can't visit much but your immediate family (hubby and child) need your more and bringing her home will create more issues (as your described about hubby) and then you will have that to deal with along with your mother and maybe a more distraught child.  saying prayers and wishing you luck.

You are blessed that you had a closeness with your mother - not all people do. But now you have an unsupportive husband whom, I assume, you need to stay married to and most important you have a special needs child. Your PRIME responsibility is to take care of YOU so you can take care of your child who needs care. Your mother is elderly, she is failing, you can't stop that. She lived her life. Now it is YOUR time and the child's time. Those two take priority over all other things. You have no reason on earth to feel guilty if you put her somewhere. It is the progression of life and as it should be. You cannot do it all and with what you have on your plate, no one would expect you to handle it all. If the consequences of her age and illness are impacting those of you who remain, it is time to move her. You have NO choice.

The right thing for one may not be the right thing for another. Couldn't it be that OP does not have the patience or temperament to be able to provide the care required? And that is OK. OP has other responsibilities that a loving mother would want her to make the priority.

PAH321....
I'm a Christian so, naturally, I would bring home my beloved mother....actually I did that very thing. My mother and I were very close....and bringing her to live with my husband and myself was just a given. My only child was grown and involved with her own life, in fact, she was angry with me for another reason, which I won't go into here.
Being kind is always right. Your dear, sweet mother needs you now. She gave you life. And, I believe, the least you can do is to bring her home, and ask the Lord to help you to love all in your family, whether they are upset, angry or whatever....I pray you will do what needs to be done. And, I pray that God will be with you in you do. Your mother gave to you life, love, and sacrificed more for you than anyone else...and she needs you now. I pray you will step up for your mother, and may God be with you! Shalom!

How OP describes her relationship with DH:
"Neither of us are good communicators with each other." Key word *Neither*

How OP describes the relationship with her mother:
"She is the only person in this world that knows me fully and loves me unconditionally. We are very, very close."

Unless I am missing something, I honestly don't get why so many people have assumed the husband is being a big selfish jerk here.

There are people who are so enmeshed with their parent(s) that it's dysfunctional. And it WILL affect a marriage! There is a man who posts on this forum who got divorced because his wife was incapable of separating herself from her mother. He should come along and comment.

The OP's husband's reasoning -- that having an elder in the home who needs facility level care will negatively affect his child is VALID. Nobody here knows the backstory of how/why the mother came to be in a facility in the first place. I'd be willing to bet, given the OP's relationship with the mother, that it was for GOOD reason.

It seems to me she is now fearful of her mother passing, and having all kinds of guilt, but to contemplate throwing away her marriage, and causing problems for an already vulnerable child just to bring her mother back from the facility where she will "probably" live her last days doesn't seem like the right solution to me. That "probably" could turn into a long time.

Then what- your divorced, your child could end up living with his dad, and you may end up having to put your mom back in the facility anyway. That is what happened to the man I mentioned who posts here. They got divorced. The kids went with him, the wife stayed utterly devoted to her mother, and STILL ended up having to place her.

To the OP: I am very sorry you are so conflicted and struggling. If your mom is dying then it is time for hospice. It is time to make arrangements so you can spend time with your mother where she is, imo, with hospice support. Stay over night if need be. Pack a bag and stay for days. You can be there for your mom without it involving a move back to your home. My concern for you is that IF you bring her home, and let the chips fall with DH and son, then you may deeply regret it later.

Good luck, and I hope you are able to come to a resolution that works for both you and your family.

I think you shoukd bring her home.
Death is part of the life cycle and depending on the age of your child, is what and how much you allow her to experience.

She can visit her Grandma often when she's living ar your home. Your child doesn't have to be there in the room when she dies.

You should let your mom come home to die where she will feel loved and not afraid.

Very sad to be alone when you die.

Your mother would say your first responsibility is to your child.

IMHO I would take care of your son first. Whole it may seem cruel, your mom has lived her life, while your son is far from have lived his. With his emotional and other health issues, bringing grandma home so he can see her decline would be the worst thing for kid fragile disposition. You don't have to stop doing things for mom, but your don of priority.

Imho, yes, I can absolutely relate to your sacrifice and question. My late mother was adamant about living alone in her own home 7 states away from my home state. With an entire host of ailments, which were the worst ever case of wet Macular Degeneration that her retinologist had ever seen (classifying her as legally blind), Atrial Fibrillation, Congestive Heart Failure, urine and fecal incontinence, arthritis, and others. With a drop of very low blood pressure of almost passing out stage of 60 over 40, my 94 year old mother could no longer demand to live alone. I had to move there and in with her. Now mind you, I was already almost 70 myself when I had to undertake this mission. Prayers sent to you.

Well, here it goes. Do as I say, not as I did.
You and your Mother love each other very much and unconditionally. A loving mother that has had a full and loving life would tell her daughter that she has had your time, love and support throughout your whole life. Her cup is full and she wants that for you. She would want you to take exceptional care of yourself first and foremost. She would want a healthy and happy woman to raise her grand daughter and bring her up in a loving home.

I didn’t follow my own advice, my mother was very demanding. I lost myself by trying to take care of more than was humanly possible. Every aspect of my life suffered and there wasn’t any “me” left. I lost everything that was important to me including my health. Your choice has consequences. Pick the choice you can live with. You’re in my prayers.

Have you called in hospice? If you feel she is failing, NOW is the time. Think of it as a life boat coming along side you to help you navigate the end of this journey. Moving her at this time would be so stressful on her. Hospice will provide a regular nurse evaluation, medication management, a care package to manage any discomfort and so much more. Bonus, hospice will offer you and family members support for a year after she passes so you can work through the various phases of grief. My heart hurts for you, I get it. My Mom is in Memory care for 3 years, on hospice for 20 months and just tested positive for Covid 19. I have not physically been with her since March ( facility is 5 miles away). Hospice nurse goes in weekly and updates me. It is the one thing that keeps me sane.

I had my grandparents here the last 3 years of their lives. My daughter was 19 and my son 13. I also had day care kids, my business at the time... It was very good for my family to spend more time with my grandparents when we were able too before. The day care kids had grandparents every day. The parents loved it. We explained the winding down process to the kids. The aides and nurses were treated as ay other parent coming or going and were just part of the day. Hospice and the funeral home were very helpful helping us all understand the process.

It is always a difficult situation. My father was an only child and died young, leaving me to care for his parents who both had Alzheimer's for 6 years each, that's 12 years. Now I'm caring for my Mom. With my grandparent's I had 3 children. I would drop the oldest 2 at school, strap my baby into his car seat and drive an hour to care for my grandparents and leave in time to pick up my other kids from school. This was 6 years! After my grandfather passed, I moved my Grandmother closer to me in a nursing home. It was hard but I knew I couldn't care for her 24/7 while taking care of 3 children. My son also had GAD. OCG and ADD. Thankfully, he got much better after we took him off all those crazy medications and now he is a productive adult with a wife and 3 beautiful children. I say all of this to tell you, to be ok with letting your Mom stay put and visiting often, especially unannounced to check on her. Keep the home environment calm and peaceful for not only your son and husband but also for yourself. Caregiving is HARD. I just moved my Mom into a Sr. Independent Living so she could have safer surroundings, more activities and interaction with others. It's not too far and I go over often. Every time she stays here with us, she feels like she's intruding and sometimes I feel the same way. Not because I don't love her and want to care for her but you don't have any privacy anymore.

Yes, it's a very terrible situation. I'm sorry that you have to make this "Sophie's choice." In this time of rapidly spreading pandemic, it's best for everyone to hunker down where they are. Nobody likes it, but it's the safest way. Moving your mother anywhere will also cause stress for her. If she is declining, she'll need more and more care. They can provide that in a facility. Is she getting a vaccination? Can you get a vaccination? During this pandemic I realized that my mother was tougher than I thought. She is hanging on. Hopefully we'll be able to visit our loved ones more when we are all vaccinated.

Occasionally, I reiterate another's response for emphasis:

"Please seek professional help for you, to help you work thru your guilt. There are only so many things you can juggle. Your husband may not be being supportive for some very good reasons (your health and sanity?)"

* Key is working through (all your feelings) guilt.
* I would question if your husband's response is the straw and the camel's back.
* While you may now feel you are dammed either way, you are not. You have the answer within you. Listen to your gut.
* Consider / visualize your child in 2 - 5 - 7 - 10 years and how bringing you mom home may affect him. I don't mean to encourage a nightmare or frightening image of the future however what you decide now will affect your son, who already, has mental health challenges. Traumas are very difficult to manage - get through. Some of us live with them (wounding) all our lives and put walls up for what feels like self-protection/self-preservation.
* Ask your husband if he'll get into couples (or family) counseling. It could only help sort out unspoken feelings, resentments, hopes, fears. Changes occur when everything is on the table and space is provided for everything to come out.

Have you considered having your mother move in next door to you? Or moving in next door to her house (if she still has one)? Or all 5 of you moving someplace where she would be steps away but not in your home? I know that might be impossible.

Talk to the facility about visits with someone who is failing. Many of them are letting family in for this type of visit. It is very hard to make a decision where mom and child are involved, but you really can't do something that would be detrimental to your child at this point. As for hubby - some day he may need at home support. Hope he is as understanding when it is him. Put him on the back burner for now and do the best you can do for child and mom. God bless you as you travel this road with his attitude not really helping you at this point.

May I ask a question? How old is your child? You say your child has an anxiety related obsession with fear of death. Ok.
If your child is not a little kid anymore then it might good for them to learn that everyone and everything dies at some point, including them one day. You can't keep your kid in a bubble their whole life because that will make whatever mental disorders your kid has even worse as they get older.
Your kid should experience a little reality. He/she can see grandma who lived a long and full life go in peace surrounded by the people who love her the most. Is your mom religious? That helps too.
As for your husband threatening to divorce you about your mom possibly coming to your house. Did he hate his MIL during your marriage? I can understand him not wanting his home to become a care center which is what happens when an elder moves in. It's ten times worse when it's a sick elder. That is understandable. What is not understandable is that YOU want her there for her final days and he threatens you with divorce if your bring her to your home. He should be helping make that happen. Not for your mother's sake but for yours.
If I may speak plainly here. Tell that selfish p*ick of a husband of yours who threatens divorce against you because you want to take care of your mother for a little while, to pack his bags and go then. That's terrible. You're obviously a very loving and caring person to want to take care of your mom in her final days. You're better off without a selfish husband who act like a child. Good luck to you and your mother. Let us know what you decide to do.

I had a similar situation
I was my grandfathers caregiver for two years. My mom got ill and begged for me to move in with her.
my grandpa ended up in a facility in order to keep my mom out of one.
Sadly he passed away on New Year’s Day after being in a rest home for a year and a half. He cried the day I left to come to my mom’s, he knew what would happen. It will forever haunt me and makes me a little resentful- there’s only one of me and a choice had to be made.
Since your husband isn’t on board and your child can’t help with the care of your mom it’s probably safer to leave her in the facility. You would be physically and emotionally drained if you brought her home with the conditions you described.
Pray about it, listen for the truth.

I agree that there is a difference between guilt and grief and I have experienced both. My mom lived with me and my husband for 7 years until at age 93 she fell and broke her hip. After that she resided in a nursing home for the next 7 years. At first I visited her daily and then every other day for at least 4-5 hours each visit. We had wonderful visits because my time with her was spent entirely focused on her. Then Covid hit and the separation began. My mom was in a private room and thus her only contact with another was when she was helped by an aide, given medication or meals. She had mild cognitive impairment and although every time I spoke with her I told her why I couldn't be with her, two minutes later she had forgotten my words. After being told of a marked weight loss, I contacted her doctor and requested hospice care in my home. Two weeks later we brought my mom home and, with the amazing help of hospice and other caregivers, we took care of my mom for the last weeks of her life. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was the best thing I have ever done. When she passed in the early morning hours of Dec. 17th, I was sitting with her - she was not alone. Luckily I have a very supportive husband and no children in the home but I think I would have done it even if that were not the case. I was able to hold my mom, talk to her, kiss her, play her favorite music, fix foods that she liked. I believe she was at peace. We also had family visitors - spaced out due to Covid - and it gave them the chance to say their goodbyes and have some closure. It was difficult for all but in the end I believe it gave everyone a little different view of dying -- that it was another part of the life cycle and something to be respected and to have the memories celebrated. I can understand that this situation might be difficult for children but I do think the age of the children plays a part in this. Teaching one to not fear death but to honor the life of someone who is finishing their journey is a gift but it is not a gift for all and I recognize that. I would simply suggest an honest conversation with family members about potentially bringing your mother home as she prepares to finish this life and then make your decision. You may be surprised at the answers you receive. No matter, bless you for taking such good care of your mother and being so concerned.

I have been trending toward putting my mom's needs first and my husband has been tolerant. He's done a lot for her too. But as some of you know my story right now, I do love my mom - although she has not been the greatest parent in the world, NOT horrible, but not great either (think verbal and emotional abuse growing up), my husband finally told me, "Hey i want you home." Why? For the sake of my own mental health and wellbeing and sanity.

To threaten divorce is pretty extreme, and even if you didn't get divorced what kind of roof would you be living under if you brought your mom into your house. Not to mention your child's anxiety issues. The grass will not get greener on the other side no matter how often your guilt tries to water it.

I'd try to reframe your situation by saying you're doing the most loving thing you can having placed your mom in a facility. I dont' think you've abandoned her, I think you have sought care for her in the best and most loving way you were able to.

I would definitely seek therapy for yourself - I did, and it's helped me understand that I am not all things to all people, and yes some people in your life do deserve your priority. Namely, yourself first.

I know what you mean by feeling guilt. I once spoke to a psychiatrist about how torn I was and she said it was not normal for me to feel such guilt for not being able to do everything for my parents. I thought that was strange...because we feel guilty when we can’t give 100% to someone we love. When I was young my dads mom had dementia. My dad chose to put her in a facility rather than being her to live with us. I am glad for that decision. A child should not have to watch such suffering... children will grow up and deal with these things in life and if my dad had his mom love with us then I would be watching a person die in front of me for the third time. I would not have developed the same. I say third time because I went through this with my dad when his time came.... he died in 2020... now my mom is starting with dementia. I do not make my 13 year old watch her deteriorate. It’s important to be honest with kids but what they see and hear during development is sensitive... if you can protect your child (not in a bubble) then you are doing your job as a parent. When your mom dies you will be left with the aftermath of your decisions...she will be resting in peace... you have to face the fact that you cannot do everything. Have your mom stay somewhere where you can spend time... make sure she is cared for...but you will never be able to satisfy an aging parent 100% and you will learn that you can give up your life for them but it will never be enough and you will be left with nothing in the end. A clean conscience is very important so I’m not saying to abandon mom...but love yourself as you love her... respect yourself and your child and make decisions based upon the future. Your child is growing... they have a whole life ahead of them... I am very against a child suffering before their time. One day your child will deal with aging parents... it is not their time yet. These are hard decisions but these are the decisions that set apart the rational from the irrational. You do as much delegating as you can... through caregivers... nurses... etc. treat everyone with love and respect but do not prematurely kill your home. If your mother were to die and you had no husband anymore... and a neglected suffering child... you have abandoned yourself.
I stress that I am not saying to abandon your mom... do your best so your conscience is clear... be reasonable with yourself at the same time. Your child needs a healthy mom and you would hope that if your mom had this decision when you were growing up... she would do the same. Good luck. You are a woman... we are strong and resilient... smart.... you have the competence to figure this out. Never sacrifice your own sanity and health otherwise you can’t be anyone to your mom, husband or child. Be strong.

In my opinion it is time for a family meeting. You need to be concerned with your child and the impact caregiving would take during a difficult time. You husband is old enough to take care of himself. Tell them YOU need to spend more time with your mom and need their help carrying the load at home until she passes. Women are always expected to do it all. Have a heart to heart with your child how you feel the need to protect him but your mom is also important to you and ask for help in allowing you the time to dedicate to her final days. If you need to hire help at your home to enable you to do this, do it! (Babysitter, housekeeping, delivered groceries). That being said, I would ask yourself if your mom would want you to place these burdens on yourself. She is probably as selfless and nurturing as you are and would want what’s best for you. Honor that.

My daughter grew up with her grandmother in our home as a 9 yr old. You don't need to choose one over the other. Your daughter will learn to think of others outside of herself, be a more compassionate citizen, learn empathy & she will watch how you take care of your mother the way she may also do for you. If you just place your mother in a nursing home then your daughter thinks that's the way to handle it. Do unto others.

I understand about having a little boy and what the kids have to go through with these lockdowns is awful and over political use of rising false numbers. I was fortunate to have an adult son help me with my mom when she had very bad dementia for 6 years. I regret so much wasting time away from her for a jerk guy I was seeing. She gave me all her years and helped me with my son and I felt I let her down as she died at the rehab center where they neglected her and dehydrated her leading to her death after I was preparing for her to come back home.
I know you must love your husband but he should be a little giving to sacrifice at least a year or two for your mother's last years. You can get someone to help you at home where you can focus on your son and your family too as there are a lot of home health care agencies that are covered by Medicare. Well that's my idea if you think that your husband's not totally selfish and have a good talk with him as I don't think he would want to be left alone. And your boy will learn to be good hearted as you and in caring for the loved ones.

My sister was on chemo for pancreatic cancer and i was trying to stay with her as much as possible and drive her -45 miles- to her chemo appts and also taking groceries to my brother in another town, and to keep my 99yo father in law stocked up, taken to apps, med boxes filled--when my father in law fell and broke a vertebrae in his back at his lady friend's and needed constant attendance which she could not provide, and no-one else in the family could--a friend stepped in to drive my sister but she was left alone and in pain a lot--I finally hired caregivers to care for my father in law so I could be with her but still had to be with him through several procedures he had--I was back and forth between them till she died, and now am still trying to care for him but have caregivers to give me some relief. I have no answers. Just to keep doing the best you can. Your daughter is important, your mom is too. My sister was my heart, as was my husband, who died in 2019.
A nurse never really retires....the focus just shifts---that's what I tell myself as I think of what used to be.

Thank you for this question, I too have benefitted greatly from the answers!