My husband and I have been very frustrated and have been snapping at each other, due to the care of his sick father. Sometimes, my husband even yells and cusses me out.
My father-in-law is difficult and is refusing any type of care or physical rehab.
He has been admitted to the hospital twice in the last few weeks ( copd/emphysema) and now wants to leave rehab.although he promised to participate. His strength is nil, due to his inactivity for the past year. The doctors and nurses feel he is capable of doing more. We both feel that he has just chosen to give up. My father-in-law is also refusing any type of pallative/hospice care. He basically has chosen to be bed ridden, using bedside commode and does not even try to walk any where ( just to the bathroom would be great ).
We are both freaking out about the bedside commode, as his bed is in the livingroom ( he has a perfectly good bedroom and bathroom).
For the past year and a half, I have waited on this man hand and foot. I know he is sick, but I feel he has really taken advantage of me.
When I try to address the future, such as a nursing home or continuing care, my husband refuses to talk about it or make any plans. My father-in-law's primary feels he should be in a nursing home, because of the type of care he wants. All our friends and most of his family feel the same way.
Mind you, I am not complaining mindlessly, but I have made it VERY aware that I cannot give the type of care he wants now. I would be more than happy to if I felt my fil was at least trying. The thought of me taking constant care ( feeding, and changing bedpans ) of man for possibly a year, leaves me drained and depressed.
Just yesterday, my fil was admitted to rehab.,to build up his strength and already by 7 am this morning, he wants to come home. He has not even done one session. The place he is at is an old place and busy, but has the best level of care around. He has a private room, good food and lots of help available. The original plan was for him to stay at least two weeks and then continue therapy at home.
I do not have anyone to help me, although he has two daughters, they are not around. My husband works, but not full time. He is home at least three to four days a week. When I try to demonstrate how to do something for his father, such as meds., for an i.v., he does not want to learn. In other words, most of the care falls on me. He does drive him to appointments, but now that looks like it is going to be another responsibility for me. I do not have a car, but now my father-in-law is ok with me using his truck. ( I get a little hurt, that he never let me use it before ).
I know I am burned out and I have told my husband that I am. He just gets angry.
I do not know what to do. A part of me has just chosen to not care any more and to no longer say anything other than "no".
I am so disgusted with the both of them just sticking their heads in the sand about the entire situation.
I am thinking of just confronting the both of them at once. Obviously in a calm but firm way. Sometimes I think my husband is just using me to care for his dad, due to his house.
Am I over-reacting? Sorry about rambling.
When I think about this situation, i think about my prissy, career obsessed sister-in-law and how she visited my dad once in the month before he died, and I just have to laugh at how we teach people to treat us. She has my brother jumping through hoops and as he says, what K@%#$ wants K@%#$ gets.
Maybe we all need a little shot of the bitch gene. Ha!
Will your husband say "if you had watched him better or had done this.. FIL would have been fine." Sounds like it could be a setup to blame you insteadof taking the blame himself or at least sharing.
It's time for you to put your foot down and take control of your life. Your future may or may not include your husband. That is the thought I would have in my head as I take the next aggressive steps. Whether your marriage survives and your husband stays in your life will depend on his actions. (How you're being treated could be considered abuse. Do you want to stay with a guy who doesn't want to come to your rescue?)
Your FIL will continue to decline...under your roof and care...unless he makes some drastic changes and his mental state improves. That probably isn't going to happen with the conditions you describe. The future path, under these denial conditions, will only get worse and incredibly too much for you to handle. Working part time, your husband is CHOOSING to not make decisions, help you or make plans. He needs to know that his choices have consequences.
I agree with others here, you need to get away for not only your health but to also force your husband to get a clue. Take your time away when he is off work, therefore it won't interfere with job & income (and an excuse from him.)
You may have to do this more than once. If after the third (you set the number) getaway he doesn't come around...separate. Is there some place you could stay? You need to be thinking about this and making your plans now.
Your life should not...can not be a fulfilling & happy life based on your husband's choices. This isn't the 50s! Take charge of your life. Act on your choices...and don't feel guilty about it. You've been a loyal, trustworthy soldier. Put your husband in the position of asking himself what he's made of. He's taking advantage of you and doesn't have a problem with it. He needs to step up to the man plate.
Good luck to you and please keep us informed.
This is from a professional who talks to several caregivers each and everyday, and sees the outcomes of various approaches. We probably aren't doing any one any favors by waiting on them hand and foot while they still have use of their own hands and feet.
But assuming that he has other redeeming qualities and that a mutual respect and love could be rekindled outside of this traumatic situation, I go along with the let-him-handle-it-alone approach. Arrange to be elsewhere at least a week after FIL comes home from rehab. How will hubby be able to go to work? Guess he'll have to figure that out, won't he? What about those tasks he's refused to let you teach him? Hmmm ... guess he'll have to figure those out, or call a professional for guidance.
This may sound really, really drastic. How serious are you about wanting things to change for the better? Start with NancyH's advice about heart-to-heart talks. If that does not result in improvement, prepare to take drastic measures. Or decide that the marriage is not worth saving, and take the drastic step to relinquish it.
Do you have a 'Area Agency on Aging,' that you can call and see about getting 'respite' care? I know I was just complaining about the price but recently recieved a call from them and they are going to see what else is availble to help me out. They do try and work with you and being your husband is a part-time worker it probable would not cost that much. If nothing else he can step up to the plate and give you some time off for its his dad. You have went far and beyond as a supportive and loving wife and now he needs to support you and how you feel. Talk to him and let him know that you need some time to yourself.
It's unfortunate your husband isn't supportive. You do need to talk to both of them as you mentioned. Any chance of some respite care to help you out? It can be expensive and I'm sure you have thought of that. This is just a suggestion; but it might help you if you first talk to someone from Elder Services in your town. These people are well trained and so supportive; they saved my sanity. Since "they have heard it all"; they might have suggestions that can help you approach your husband and FIL. When I consulted with the social worker from their office; the one on one was therapeutic in itself and helped me tremendously.
Blessings to you and will keep you in my prayers.