Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum and hoping to find some advice from those who may be experiencing similar challenges.
My 90-year-old mother has dementia, affecting her short-term memory, but she remains physically active. She can wash and dress herself, prepare simple meals, and do light housework. Despite being healthy and able to walk a mile, she struggles with grocery shopping and could easily get lost if she didn't follow the same route to the corner store.
My 54-year-old brother, John, has lived with her for about 25 years, and their relationship is co-dependent. Unfortunately, John has never contributed financially to household expenses like groceries or car insurance.
Her specialist has stressed the importance of her attending adult daycare for social interaction and mental stimulation. However, she is strongly resistant to this idea and can become quite angry when John tries to take her. I believe part of her reluctance stems from her fear of losing independence, as she insists that her memory "isn't that bad."
I live about two hours away and do my best to support them by preparing monthly meals, managing doctor appointments, and doing grocery shopping every six weeks. I visit for a few days every six weeks and would like to have my mom stay with me for a couple of weeks but my mother makes excuses as to why she can’t stay with me, primarily focusing on John.
I'm reaching out to this community for advice on how to approach my mother about attending daycare. How can I and John encourage her to go, especially when she strongly refuses? What strategies have worked for you in similar situations? Any insights or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you!Nicole
I did elder care for many years and often attended adult daycare with some of my care clients when they first started going. Then they're fine on their own. It's kind of like when a kid starts daycare or school. It's a little bit hard at first to be separated from their parent, but then they get into it. You'll see.
Or you can hire a homecare companion a few hours a week to spend time with your mother and to take her out shopping or other places. A paid companion a few hours a week can take her to programs at the local Senior Center if there is one. This will cost less than adult daycare if you hire privately. I had assignments like this where a person was still independent and just needed a bit of socialization. No bathing, incontinence, or back-breaking hands-on work. Just going out to lunch or other places and they were great.
There's choics for your mom. Your brother may have to step up a bit though.
They offer breakfast, lunch and a snack, have different activities everyday, and even have spa days once a week for those needing a haircut or shower. And you can bring her 5 days a week up to 8 hours per day.
In all honesty she would probably enjoy herself if she would just give it a try.
And some people that I know have had to tell their loved ones that they were going to the daycare to volunteer as they were really needing the help.
And one wife told her husband that he was being hired to work there and at the end of the week, his wife would hand the worker at the daycare a $20 bill when she dropped him off, that they would then give her husband at the end of his week, so he thought that he actually was getting paid. It worked like a charm.
Best wishes in getting your mother to at least give it a try, as I'll bet money that she's love it.
I love this!! <3
Sorry. That's my honest personal opinion.
As to this brother, if he is living with his 90 year old mom and caring for her, watching over her, it is HE who should be paid, and I would advise him to get a good attorney and a care contract done up.
Let this 90 year old woman make the FEW decisions she can still make for herself would be my honest recommendation. Please give her the dignity of at least that.
I think it is cruel to force people into "social interaction" because some silly doctor suggests it. What does he THINK? That if she does this she will live another 100 years. I am sorry, I am ticked off at him, and to be honest I can't IMAGINE anyone listening to him. She said no. To me that is a full sentence with a period after it. Or in my case, an exclamation point!
Senior Center sounds more inviting.
Doctor ordered "socialization" sounds weird and like a science experiment.
Opportunity to make friends sounds more inviting.
Activities for seniors with dementia sounds like busy work.
Classes and activities sounds more like going to the Y.
Change the semantics. Offer to go with her to a session - or ask brother to stay with her for an hour or 2 - and see if she warms up to this opportunity.
Nothing Wrong with using a fiblet.
Maybe turn it around from what expectation she is having? Making it be a new opportunity to get out (in a safe environment)? Maybe calling it something else besides "daycare" which sounds like she is being treated like a child?
Maybe tell her it's a "crafts class" or similar entertainment for seniors? She's in great physical shape for 90, maybe other seniors would like to hear her tips, or how she does it? Maybe ask her to try it out once, and see what she thinks?
My normal 74 year GF attends mosaic classes at the local senior center and loves it. She makes it a priority and has made beautiful art and met some great people.
Worth a shot. With dementia, you may have to use "fiblets."
ABSOLUTELY!!
The first day, we took her. As soon as we walked in an aide took her and sat her with a table of other women. My DH was the one who wanted to make sure she was OK. I had to coax him to leave. My thought, its just like taking a child to the first day of nursery school. You give them a kiss, a hug and say you will be back after work and go. When Mom is gone, they are OK. The next day Mom was picked up and dropped off by the DC bus. She told me I had to take her, I said no, the bus will. She ended up having a crush on the driver. He was really nice to her. The picked her up at 8am and brought her back at 3pm. That gave me time to get a shower and then my DH and I did something together. She was set up for Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
I asked the staff how to introduce it and they said it could be described as a volunteer opportunity. In fact one of the people who attended believed he worked there, and would say “it’s shocking what a mess these craft drawers get into each day” and so on. So maybe this is a possibility for your mom? This place also did “make your own ice cream sundae” and cookie making and they had outdoor space and a real 1950s car (no engine) They had an old timey barber shop, diner, etc. to simulate how things were in the 1950/-1960s. I did take my dad for a trial afternoon and told him it was a center where he would be watching a movie and eating pizza (true). I think I also called it “a retirement center.” He also played a trivia game and did better than I would have guessed. But he still said he hated it, my mom would not insist he do it a few times to get used to it. So we dropped it. Good luck dealing with your mom, however it turns out.
I don't understand the outraged replies. The purpose of these places is to maintain cognition as long as possible so they continue living at home.
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