Seeking advice on what to say to encourage my mom to go to adult daycare?

Have you explained to Mom her MD has suggested it? It is not "losing her independence" but more the opposite, giving her some outside social interaction, plus something new to do. If Mom was that bad, she wouldn't get to go there?

Maybe turn it around from what expectation she is having? Making it be a new opportunity to get out (in a safe environment)? Maybe calling it something else besides "daycare" which sounds like she is being treated like a child?

Maybe tell her it's a "crafts class" or similar entertainment for seniors? She's in great physical shape for 90, maybe other seniors would like to hear her tips, or how she does it? Maybe ask her to try it out once, and see what she thinks?

My normal 74 year GF attends mosaic classes at the local senior center and loves it. She makes it a priority and has made beautiful art and met some great people.
Worth a shot. With dementia, you may have to use "fiblets."

Adult Daycare Centers are great resources for folks suffering with any level of dementia, and most folks LOVE it.
They offer breakfast, lunch and a snack, have different activities everyday, and even have spa days once a week for those needing a haircut or shower. And you can bring her 5 days a week up to 8 hours per day.
In all honesty she would probably enjoy herself if she would just give it a try.
And some people that I know have had to tell their loved ones that they were going to the daycare to volunteer as they were really needing the help.
And one wife told her husband that he was being hired to work there and at the end of the week, his wife would hand the worker at the daycare a $20 bill when she dropped him off, that they would then give her husband at the end of his week, so he thought that he actually was getting paid. It worked like a charm.
Best wishes in getting your mother to at least give it a try, as I'll bet money that she's love it.

To be honest, this angers me. I cannot imagine a real doctor doing such a thing. How incredibly cruel. I am 82. NO ONE better EVER try to tell me I should go here or there for social interaction. I think this doctor is a nut job, myself. How DARE he presume to know what a 90 year old woman needs or wants at the end of her life in terms of going to someplace and watching a bunch of OTHER 90 year old women discuss their multiple aches and pains. What a dreadful suggestion. Sure glad he didn't make it in MY presence.

Sorry. That's my honest personal opinion.
As to this brother, if he is living with his 90 year old mom and caring for her, watching over her, it is HE who should be paid, and I would advise him to get a good attorney and a care contract done up.

Let this 90 year old woman make the FEW decisions she can still make for herself would be my honest recommendation. Please give her the dignity of at least that.
I think it is cruel to force people into "social interaction" because some silly doctor suggests it. What does he THINK? That if she does this she will live another 100 years. I am sorry, I am ticked off at him, and to be honest I can't IMAGINE anyone listening to him. She said no. To me that is a full sentence with a period after it. Or in my case, an exclamation point!

Adult Day Care sounds harsh and demeaning.
Senior Center sounds more inviting.

Doctor ordered "socialization" sounds weird and like a science experiment.
Opportunity to make friends sounds more inviting.

Activities for seniors with dementia sounds like busy work.
Classes and activities sounds more like going to the Y.

Change the semantics. Offer to go with her to a session - or ask brother to stay with her for an hour or 2 - and see if she warms up to this opportunity.

I suggested Adult day care for getting my dad out of my mom’s hair for a few hours per day when he had dementia and she was having trouble coping. He spent a lot of time angry that he couldn’t do all the things that he used to do and he saw her as his jailer. In theory, it also would have given him something to do and think about other than watching the same movies over and over all day, interspersed with hiding food in drawers, hiding the mail from her, putting dirty dishes back on the shelves with the clean ones, etc. it might have given him some sense of an independent life. My mom was 100% opposed to putting him in AL or MC but this would have given her a few hours of peace a few times per week. It was not suggested by his doctor or for socialization — I suggested it and did all the research. It would have been nice if it had led to him having someone to interact with other than me and my mom.

I asked the staff how to introduce it and they said it could be described as a volunteer opportunity. In fact one of the people who attended believed he worked there, and would say “it’s shocking what a mess these craft drawers get into each day” and so on. So maybe this is a possibility for your mom? This place also did “make your own ice cream sundae” and cookie making and they had outdoor space and a real 1950s car (no engine) They had an old timey barber shop, diner, etc. to simulate how things were in the 1950/-1960s. I did take my dad for a trial afternoon and told him it was a center where he would be watching a movie and eating pizza (true). I think I also called it “a retirement center.” He also played a trivia game and did better than I would have guessed. But he still said he hated it, my mom would not insist he do it a few times to get used to it. So we dropped it. Good luck dealing with your mom, however it turns out.

To start with, don't use the term 'daycare' when talking to your mother. Say the senior center is offering a social hour for independent seniors on certain days. Have your brother go with her a few times until she feels comfortable and gets to know a few people. Have him go with her once or twice a week for a couple hours at first. Then he won't have to go after that.

I did elder care for many years and often attended adult daycare with some of my care clients when they first started going. Then they're fine on their own. It's kind of like when a kid starts daycare or school. It's a little bit hard at first to be separated from their parent, but then they get into it. You'll see.

Or you can hire a homecare companion a few hours a week to spend time with your mother and to take her out shopping or other places. A paid companion a few hours a week can take her to programs at the local Senior Center if there is one. This will cost less than adult daycare if you hire privately. I had assignments like this where a person was still independent and just needed a bit of socialization. No bathing, incontinence, or back-breaking hands-on work. Just going out to lunch or other places and they were great.

There's choics for your mom. Your brother may have to step up a bit though.

My Mom was pretty easy it was just having her 24/7 was too much for me. I have a split level house and her room was in the bottom level where the other bathroom was. She could see us up the stairs where the kitchen was. Once I sat down out of her eyesight, she would call for me. I got no sleep at night because she would get up. My husband and I, of course, had no time together. Daughter suggested daycare after a year of this.

The first day, we took her. As soon as we walked in an aide took her and sat her with a table of other women. My DH was the one who wanted to make sure she was OK. I had to coax him to leave. My thought, its just like taking a child to the first day of nursery school. You give them a kiss, a hug and say you will be back after work and go. When Mom is gone, they are OK. The next day Mom was picked up and dropped off by the DC bus. She told me I had to take her, I said no, the bus will. She ended up having a crush on the driver. He was really nice to her. The picked her up at 8am and brought her back at 3pm. That gave me time to get a shower and then my DH and I did something together. She was set up for Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

If I’m John, I advise mom that I’ve taken a volunteer position at the senior center. Mom is free to go with him to “work” and if not, mom’s going to have to live by herself for however many hours he “volunteers.”

Nothing Wrong with using a fiblet.

I would not force your mom to go to adult daycare. Just because someone is pushing the idea, it does not matter. Some of us do not care to socialize at that age or be forced to participatein activities. That program is for those who enjoy being out and about. If the relationship is working out with your mom and brother, leave her be. It's common for older people to withdraw towards their last years.

As people get older a lot don’t actually want to socialise
I wouldn’t push it
I’d probably take her out for a walk to a park or tea shop with you and break her in that way
then you’ll see how she reacts outside
good luck

I agree with BurntCaregiver. Social interaction has known health benefits, and a prescription for someone with dementia as incentive for them to try it doesn't seem totally out of line to me. It's not like anyone's handcuffing her to wheelchair and forceably bringing her. My mother, 92, early dementia, is in a similar situation, could almost certainly benefit from some sort of social activity -- but I wouldn't bother trying to force the issue, since, at best, she would a agree to "try it," and then complain bitterly about what a terrible idea it was. (She also complains about loneliness, but won't contemplate any particular action, because new friends can't replace old friends who've died and therefore are not worth it - in her view.) Anyway, the other thing is, I wouldn't attempt to disrupt her routine by bringing her to your place. My mother's routine is what enables her to maintain what independence she does have, she's mostly incapable of functioning outside of that.

Tell her not to go, forbid it and have a strong opinion of why you don't want her to go.

Make it her idea or one of her friends but certainly not her Dr. She might just go because you don't want her to.

Manipulation works both ways.

Welcome to our community!
You will find a lot of support and resources here.

By way of a bit of my own background, I work in the field of caregiving / care management (providing a multitude of services from hiring caregivers to emptying houses, to working w families dealing with a parent inflicted w dementia - and how to manage overwhelm and exhaustion... and everything in-between. I've studied dementia with one of the country's leading experts, TEEPA SNOW, by way of webinars for almost two years). I encourage you to check out her website.

What I would suggest:

* When a person has dementia, you learn 'not to ask' what they want to do or give them a 'real' choice to be the decision maker. You learn 'how' to talk to them to be in control of the situation. This is learned behavior and takes practice. Dementia - and how and what parts of the brain are affected - is not easy to navigate, even for the best of us. Studying dementia certainly helped me as it provided me a layer of compassion (and patience) between the resistance, anger, fear directed at me.

If I were you/r brother, I wouldn't tell mother where she is going.
If anything, tell her 'we're going to meet new friends of mine.' (or something that will seem okay with her).
- Yes, when she gets there, she'll be frustrated, activated, resistant. With dementia, family/caregivers need to expect this behavior and deal with it accordingly.
- I wouldn't PUSH her. I would set the stage and see how it goes.

While you (meaning you and your brother) may know this already:
- with dementia, you can talk in the moment and then the conversation is forgotten a moment later.
- fear of losing independence is huge (as you mention). Compassion and understanding, along with developing boundaries and how to be in control is essential - and, again, a learning process.

- Do not spend (waste) time explaining anything. For example, instead of saying "let's go to DAY CARE ..." change the words to ... something she will readily want to do, let's go for a walk to get a little exercise ... together.

- As there is a co-dep relationship, your bro may not want to - or know how - to take control and get her to day care. ALTHOUGH, he needs some respite / time off and this could be a carrot on the stick for him - to be able to do something without being 'on' for a few hours.
- He would have to expect the situation to cause some discord / stress - for both of them - is he able to do this? would he want to?

This is important - when dealing with dementia, there is NO SUCH THING AS LYING - you do what you can to keep the person as calm as possible and you tell them whatever will keep them as calm.

* I'd pack a suitcase and you come to pick her up and tell her you're taking her out for lunch.
* Know that she's always resist change and, as you mention, she has a co-dependent relationship with her son, so she'll automatically say "NO" to anything new or different or other.
- I would ask you: Why do you want her to stay with you for a couple of weeks? Is it because you want to be with her (this may appear to be an insensitive question) - however it is important to 'weigh' what you want vs what is in her best interest.
- You could 'trick her' in going with you and see how that goes. After a few hours of 'huffing and puffing, she may - or may not - adjust to being with you. This is something you need to try out to see how it goes.

As dementia progresses, she will dig her heels in more as the fear, confusion, brain chemistry changes will increase. It is a dance-learning to be compassionate while setting boundaries. The needs of care DO need to override the initial frustration or acting out. She doesn't know what is 'good' for her.

- If I were you, I would perhaps try taking her to a day care for an hour or so and you sit there with her, introducing her to others there.

Gena / Touch Matters

Just leave her alone. Let her do what she wants to do. She's 90. She has earned the right to not do anything.

First, visit more than one local Adult day care center, and see for yourself what the environment is, and if it is something which would appeal to your mother.

And don't call it "Adult Day Care"! No self-respecting adult wants to feel they are being dropped off at day care by their family. Emphasize an opportunity to enjoy a fun social activity.

I'm going to be brutally honest, my husband doesn't like the idea of being around
"people like that". Either he does not see himself as similarly compromised, or he just doesn't want the painful reminder of what he looks like to others.
It is also very uncomfortable for some people to be in a social gathering of strangers. Was your mother outgoing socially before? If she is more of an introvert and home-body, she will hate being dropped off somewhere that she has to interact and put on a friendly face!
Believe me - I am an introvert, and when friends insist that I go out more and do things I have no interest in, I feel uncomfortably coerced.
YOU may like having social interaction and interesting activities daily - don't project that on someone who doesn't share your interests.

Are there other local things to do in the community, such as touring art festivals or exploring downtown boutique shops, or interesting classes that you or your brother can accompany her to? Even hire an older companion aide to take her on outings, and to sit down and play a game or just go to lunch. There are lots of ways your mother could find something more to do. Adult day care is not the only option.

Your mother should not be forced into day care if she does not want to go. Also, she require a special diet that many places do accommodate. Perhaps she needs a new specialist.

My mom's specialist also stressed the importance of socializing outside the family since it requires more skills. Mom didn't ever want to go to the local (and free) senior center but she did warm up to the memory club and all the activities and outings. She was opposed at first but I told her the doctor said it might help her and she just had to go a couple of times to see if she liked it. The first day was a tryout and there was a lot of brow furrowing and what is going on here and these people are very nice but I don't belong here. And the van picked her up the next time and we wrote it on her calendar and she continued to go. She enjoys it very much and it has become her main social outlet. She had also become mildly depressed and I think it helped with that as well.

I don't understand the outraged replies. The purpose of these places is to maintain cognition as long as possible so they continue living at home.

NicoleSG: With dementia at play, day care may be challenging.

The first thing I would do is stop calling it adult daycare even when you and your brother talk about it to get out of the habit. It’s just like adult diapers being called underwear or even incontinence underwear instead. Diapers and daycare scream loss of independence, chills to many seniors. Some don’t care about the terms but I know my mom did. Then I would think about your moms tendencies throughout her life, has she been a social person? Does she enjoy a room full of people or is she more of a one on one kind of person. Is she a reader? Book club (for seniors) was recommended for my mom because she was always a reader and because it’s a smaller more controlled environment, there was a student from the local college leading it and a professor overseeing. Also consider, is your moms hearing fine or does she have a hard time? My mom was basically deaf in one ear and down to 50% in the other until we finally got her to try a hearing aid so she wasn’t comfortable in a room full of people she didn’t know, never was though she faked it well. One person speaking at a time was better for her. Does your mom enjoy having a friend over for tea or something, is there someone she already knows she could do that sort of thing with? Could you call the daycare a social club or something? Maybe have your brother go with her at first to get her comfortable. Groups like that often have various events, a sewing club or bridge or a painting class might she be more receptive or interested in that? Do a little research, ask around there may be more opportunities for elders with her deficits so supervised that would interest her. Are there any colleges around that have nursing, PT, social work departments? We had one with an auditory department that offered activities for seniors who are hard of hearing. Also later she started seeing a geriatric psychiatric practice and they had group events as well as individual appointments.