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Hi everyone, we have found ourselves in a difficult position and could use any advice or ideas of where to look for solutions. My grandpa, who is 94, has been married to Sue, 86, for over 20 years. She has been verbally and emotionally abusing him since signing the marriage certificate, including trying to push all of his family and friends away. She now has completely untreated dementia that has gotten significantly worse over the last year.
This last week one of my aunts went to visit them and managed to rile Sue up unintentionally that led to her becoming violent. She hit my grandpa with a briefcase and then when my aunt heard the commotion and ran to take the briefcase from her, Sue bit her and threatened to slit her throat. My aunt and grandpa left the house and called the sheriff and the sheriff took her to the ICU.
Since being in the ICU we have had multiple health professionals and the sheriff say that they would absolutely not recommend Sue return home as she has been very combative and aggressive and saying things like she's going to shoot and kill my grandpa. The advice we were given was that no one should take responsibility for her when the hospital calls to get someone to pick her up so that she becomes a ward of the state.
The problem we face now is what to do with their assets that are in both of their names. We made my grandpa a new bank account and changed his beneficiaries for life insurance. The big things now are their car and their mobile home. We would like to sell them so we can move my grandpa back to our home state so that my mom and I can take care of him.
How do we go about separating their assets or getting her name off of the car and mobile home titles? The only power of attorney my grandpa has is for health. We're afraid if we try to get power of attorney in any capacity that whoever it is will be considered responsible for her and the state won't take her. Other than my grandpa the only options are Sue's daughters who also want nothing to do with her due to abuse and neglect. Because my grandpa is already 94 we really don't want to put him through a lot of court proceedings or anything like that if we can help it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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You need an attorney. You have already done illegal things if you have, without your grandfather's permission. If you had his permission, and he is cooperative with you, and he is competent, then you and your sister take him to an attorney. There he will file for division of finances and divorce. There he will file papers needed for force sale of his mobile home. There he can appoint one of you POA to assist him in court and with sale of his mobile home (and of course one half of the sale of the home, if it is titled to BOTH of them, will belong to the wife.)

Please see an attorney. From your post it is not even clear if your grandfather wishes to leave his wife or if he is competent to be changing legal documents. You need a lawyer.

If Sue has family you will, of course inform them. If she does NOT have family tell them your grandfather is in no state to care for her and that she cannot return to their home due to her abuse. Please get APS involved now. They will have good solid advice for you. With so little knowledge of the condition of your granddad, and of why he has CHOSEN to stay with an abusive woman so long, we cannot possible know what to advise you. We sure can wish you the very best of luck with a very hard situation!
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jailarie Aug 21, 2024
He does wish to leave her since the incident where he hit her. Anything we have helped him with since has been from him specifically asking us to assist him. We would never do anything without his express permission and it was his request that he move to live with us now. He mostly stayed with his wife out of obligation as she didn't show any obvious signs of abuse until after they were married. He has since been taking care of her and her various health issues and felt too guilty leaving her. We've tried to talk to him about it for years, but because he told us to stay out of it we did. We're only making progress now because he is 100% willing to be rid of her. We get the feeling he wants to move back to our home state as soon as possible so he can finally die in peace.

He called senior services and they said the earliest appointment he could get for legal help through them is November. We were hoping to get him moved by October before the weather gets too bad.
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I’m a retired family law paralegal and I’ve seen this situation before. Assuming he’s competent to make decisions he can immediately file for a legal separation which will protect his assets and prevent him from being responsible for her moving forward. A divorce will have to be filed as well but the legal separation acts like brakes on the marriage. I would not wait for senior services because all they can do is advise him rather than start any legal action. Find a good family law attorney and get things moving. Elder law attorneys do not handle dissolution of marriage cases and that’s what he needs to be able to sell anything jointly owned. You can certainly move him but legal proceedings will have to be filed in the county where he lives. I wish you all the best.
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This is complicated. I am all for her becoming a ward of the state. If this happens the court will assign a guardian. That guardian will be in charge of any assets that are hers. Her Social Security, pension and marital assets. You need to ask these people suggesting the State take over how this will all work. You may need to get an Elder Lawyer involved.
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As Alva said, you need a good eldercare lawyer to sort this out. This is a terrible situation.

Hope it all works out for your grandfather and that his wife can get the care she needs in some sort of facility.
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