My mother spent about 3 weeks in behavorial health where she was diagnosed with moderate dementia and a personality disorder. She moved into a nursing home 5 minutes from me because her doctor said she needs to be in a skilled nursing facility. She also is partially confined to a wheelchair with peripheal neuropathy and only walks short distances with a walker and much assistance. Otherwise she is healthy with no body system issues (heart, lungs, etc. all in good shape).
She is fairly clear some days, mean as can be others. It's like flipping a light switch. She has always had a cell phone until I took it recently. She calls and leaves me very hurtful, nasty messages and this past Sunday she had a complete meltdown, threatening to call the police on me and her sitter. That's when I took the cell phone. She also tells others that we're trying to kill her and are stealing her money. Now she's asking for her phone and I don't know what to say. Her doctor's PA said to tell her she's too confused to have a phone right now but I know if I say that she will go balistic! I'm an only child and she has always intimidated me some, but now it's a lot worse. Every time I try to stand up to her about anything she becomes meaner to me and trashes me to anybody that will listen. I am seeing a therapist and she has told me to limit my visits to only twice and week and for only 5 minutes at the time. I go and talk to nurses and peep at her if I don't actually visit. Her sitter is wonderful and keeps me informed, although gives me a little too much information sometimes. Meant to add I am her POA. Thanks for any ideas.
Peripheral neuropathy does not happen out of the blue. Does your mother have any difficulties with diabetes, or perhaps with her weight?
I would tell mother her cell phone is broken and cannot be replaced. Lots of people in memory care communities are unable to have a phone anymore for obvious reasons. The POA is the one to determine if their loved one is capable enough to have a phone. In your mother's case, I'd say no. You can still stay connected to her, if you wish, by calling the community directly and asking to either speak directly to her, or, to get a report on how she's doing. If the visits are THAT toxic, I'd limit them to once a week (which is how often I visit my mother in memory care) and stay until the drama amps up and then leave.
Another option, of course, is to block her number and delete voice mails, but the temptation to listen to them might get too great. You are not 'isolating' your mother by taking away her cell phone, and you will not 'get into trouble' by doing so. MANY residents of NHs and Memory Care communities are without telephones for obvious reasons. My aunt, for instance, kept calling 911 saying Help Me and finally, my cousin had to take her phone out of her room in Assisted Living. I work in a Memory Care community where about 25% of the residents have a phone in their room; and the ones who do have landlines. As long as the facility has a phone, that's all you need.
Best of luck!
I don't do this in the anticipation of battling anyone, but when someone claims they called and said x,y,z, I can check my records. It's absolutely necessary when dealing with business issues, but very helpful for family relations as well. And there have been times when I wished I'd never returned a call on my cell as I can't write while talking, as it gives me a neck ache, and ear plugs hurt my ears. And I can only rely on memories of that particular explosive conversation.
But there have been times when I wished I had some way to record specific conversations for documenting purposes, especially when it's someone who changes his/her mind and later makes false claims.
In your particular case, I can understand the frustration of being verbally attacked, but I think there's also merit in documenting those calls, just in case....I can't think of anything that might arise from this, unless it's that someone unfamiliar with your mother's hostility becomes involved, thinks this is something new, and decides to take action.
CYA can very often be a good approach; in these caregiving situations, one never knows what arises. And there was one situation in which I was glad that I documented outsiders who I later realized seemed to be attempting to create a case for failure to properly care for my father.
I thought their comments were peculiar at the time, then I began to see a pattern. With all my records, I could read back and see how this developed, and that helped me realize that these people seemed to be laying the foundation for improper care (and their filing of guardianship/conservatorship to get at my father's funds.)
(This was also when they advised that, contrary to previous offers of support, they decided at that time that they would not offer any help inside the house. This was a time when we needed help the most, and put a lot more pressure on me.) I could just imagine $$$$ in their mindset.
It is okay to tell her to stop being mean and nasty. Let her blow up, you hang up or walk away. Tell her you will talk to her when she can be civil. Then enforce that boundary.
You do not have to accept her abuse, you can protect yourself.
She has dementia. Dementia means no fully functioning filters. Don’t “tell her” you’re discontinuing her phone service. If it makes you uncomfortable to listen to her, discontinue it, or don’t answer her calls, or answer her calls and quickly say you are too busy to talk or your door bell just rang or whatever.
As long as you are doing what is best for your mom and her welfare, you have absolutely NO REASON to care WHAT she says, since you know that it is NOT your mom but rather her dementia that is talking.
It is VERY difficult to hear the comments of someone who you dearly love speaking harshly of you. At such times you (and I) must focus on the memories of the good times and, in love, stay strong and not interact or be a part of the uncharacteristic hostility.
Dementia in any form is a dreadful cruel curse. There are times when the only thing we can do is circumvent it or rise above it.
I have never seen a single instance in which dementia responded positively to a challenge from a loved one.
And why a sitter? Mornings are usually busy thru lunch. If a good LTC, there should be afternoon activities to keep her busy. Then dinner and getting residents ready for bed.
No cell phone. It causes too much pain for all involved. No one at my mom's place has one, and if residents want to call someone, staff will assist them with the facility's cordless phone. Staff may also be able to redirect the request to make a call, especially if they think she is on one of her angry jaunts.
She probably feels anxious and knows that she is loosing her faculties, so she lashes out at those closest. I'm sorry you're having to go through this stage. Soon, she won't be able to use a phone or even ask about it any longer. My mother passed away about a year ago and I'm still recovering from the entire experience. Please update us and let us know how you handled "the phone fury". Take care and know that you are not completely alone. It's great that this community exists.
I agree with others who said disable the phone or block your number. Good luck.
she complains of no phone, but she had no one that she would call except me, and the facility let’s her use the phone if she needs to. And that way she is supervised while doing so..
Brother cut off the landline and got everyone in the house cellphones (him, wife, 5 kids and mother).
Mother has been completely clueless about how to operate her cell phone, has had several 'styles' and the problem isn't the phones! it's her dementia, which she hides pretty well.
She can only 'take' incoming calls and then only when she has the phone right by her, which is never. It is always in a state if 'lost' and 'dead'. She's left it all over the place and when it's dead--well, it's a game of hide and seek. She is totally unable to make outgoing calls--that part of her brain is 'gone'.
She would be FINE if brother would 'let' her have a landline. But he won't. It's a power things with him, keeping her under his thumb. W/O the phone she ca barely use, he can control to whom she speaks and what she's saying.
We are not close and the phone thing has added to that. If I call her, which I used to do on regular basis, she would NEVER answer it, but might eventually find and see she has a bunch of missed calls (mostly from her one friend, who just calls incessantly on the off chance mother might actually pick up). Then she has to have one of the grandkids come into her apt and do the actual calling.
The cell phone, for mother, has been a true nightmare. On the rare occasion she'd answer, she'd sometimes get a telemarketer and she doesn't understand to simply hang up on them--she'd get so flustered she'd start crying.
I tried to get her landline back, but brother grew so angry and belligerent about it, I gave up and told mother it was her problem.
In a way, it's a blessing. She never called me before, really, maybe twice a year, and now I never ever hear from her.
If your mom has a landline in her room she should be using that. Cell phones are a pain, although I have had one for years. I don't LIKE it, and I may be the last person on earth who will have a landline. :)
Trying to help someone with dementia to work a cell phone has been one of my epic fails in life. My 16 mo grandson could use mother's phone better than she can.
To me, a parent having to call and leave messages with no response is causing anxiety on their part. Is this fair? Better u just take it away. Tell them a little white lie. They need to acclimate themselves to their new home.
As her dementia progresses she seems to cling to the phone. It seems to be one of the few things she has control over, giving her some sense of independence. So I just grit my teeth and say I will take care it of whatever it is tomorrow hoping she will forget the issue. I depend on the AL staff to call if there is a true problem.
Can I suggest you set a specific ring tone for your mom’s number and a different one for the homes? That way you can screen the calls for the truest important ones and listen to your mom’s messages or just delete them when they get nasty.
The reasoning was that he and I both were receiving robocalls. I am his POA and didn't want him to make the mistake of getting hoodwinked by people. He doesn't seem to mind. That's just him. When he's irritable and wants to argue, I step away and let him calm down. That's the only real way to stay sane!
If you can let go of the past hurts, that's one giant step for your wellbeing! Understanding that what your mother is saying to you, is not important to you anymore. Sometimes this works. Make your visits brief. Agree when you can, and change the subject if it's getting to intense.
You can only change yourself, by taking care of you! I hope you find the way to take your mother in strides.
On another subject that also involves years old guilt, is anyone else dreading the upcoming holidays? I've always loved Thanksgiving and Christmas but holidays of any kind have been a personal strain for a long time. The first year my husband and I were engaged we had Thanksgiving at separate family gatherings. We married late in life and neither of us were brave enough to break away from tradition. After marriage, it was a constant juggling act and my mother always expected me to be home. I wanted to be there too but some of that feeling was pressure and knowing it would be bad for me if I didn't. Thankfully, the families live in close proximity so we could manage both in one day but was still exhausting at times. Anyway, I wake up every morning lately with a knot in my stomach. My mother is in a wheelchair and I can't manage her on my own. I've offered several times to get her out for lunch like we used to but she refuses because she doesn't want the sitter along. I can't manage her by myself because I have a lower back issue. I really hate to ask my husband and 2 sons to get her up the stairs of our house which involves lifting her chair and all up some high steps! It's risky and then she's very likely going to act up and ruin our day. She didn't want to even come to my house last mother's day when I asked her to because she doesn't want to be around my husband but then complained to her sitter that she wasn't invitied. It's going to be impossible I think for all of us to be in the same room together so all of us going over to the nursing home probably isn't going to work. Then I have the guilt of her not having much of a Thanksgiving/Christmas. I know....It's my fault for feeling guilty but I'll bet there are others on this site that know how I feel. All her siblings have been long gone. Neices and nephews are all scattered and live in different cities/states. It's so hard being the only one and practically the only family she has left. Thanks again!!!
Can you take out the battery? so that has it & can't use it so that you need to take it away for fixing - it would be good if there a way to only let it be usable for short times ... check that out - most people who she will call know she has dementia & is fine despite what she says about her situation, you etc