Here's a little about me: I'm 28, I've been living with my mom since her failed back surgery put her on permanent disability during my 2nd year of high school. My father left us when I was 4, he's never been a part of my life and it's been a huge burden for her as a single parent. I was born with a genetic disease and one this I have from it is a feeding disorder. It's extremely hard for me to stay awake for 8 hrs and I need to eat every 4 hours because of how much energy my body burns. Most of my life I've been underweight and it's always affected my mental fortitude. There wasn't much research on my condition when I was in high school and I'm just now learning about all the discoveries about my condition in the past 2 years. Recently, I've joined a couple of support groups for this condition, most groups are adults older than myself, who struggle every day with this disease. It's a challenge just to wake up most days and feed myself, I've always had a hard time maintaining my weight because of this. Every site that discusses my condition recommends parents to have four specialists monitoring their child's health as this condition affects everyone in a unique manner. I was never given the attention I needed and a lot of my issues were summed up as me being lazy and uncaring. My mom still treats me as if I'm irresponsible to this day despite how much of my life I have to sacrifice for her well-being.
As for her, she had a friend living with us to help take care of things around the house while I was in college. Sadly, they both started hoarding and never cleaned up the rooms after it stopped. There are empty cardboard boxes in every room, the garage looks like a scrapyard, and the yard is full of scrap metal and infested with weeds. We haven't had a working air conditioner for a year now and she doesn't want to pay anyone because she thinks she can fix it herself. She'll stay up all hours of the night picking weeds out of the yard or "working" in the garage. She expects me to be awake whenever she is and for me to be there with her, even though she always suffers from the pain she's putting her body through. She also has a drug problem, she will stay up for over 2 days whenever she gets high. I don't know what she's taking but I know it makes her into a vile person.
I don't know what to do or who to talk to about this. I never asked to take care of her home, I've never made over 15k a year. How am I suppose to have a life of my own when she's going to guilt trip me into staying here and taking care of her problems? The only reason I'm alive is because she stayed awake every day to make sure I was fed enough food. She's the one who found out what my condition was when the doctors couldn't figure it out. I'm only alive because of her but this is too much of a burden for me. Part of me feels responsible for her but the other part of me wants to live my own life and grow from my own mistakes. This is depressing and all we're doing is fighting about everything these days.
How are finances set up for the home month to month? Do you contribute anything towards rent monthly?
What’s the genetic disorder you have - you’ve seen a specialist who drew lab work for genetic testing? As a nurse I am interested.
Lastly, an option would be for you to move into your own place. Your mom has a friend living there to help her. She’s not going to change for you as far as hoarding or anything else. It’s her home.
You have a degree and need to use it to save money and start living your own life. Set a goal for yourself to be independent by 2021. You didn’t mention if you have a disability & hopefully at 28 you are working to contribute into the system for your own Medicare/SS when you get to retire.
Time to think of yourself and take action to live on your own.
My condition is called Russell Silver syndrome. I was diagnosed at birth and went to an orthopedic children's hospital for 18 years. The only reason nothing else came from that is because they didn't know what to look for at the time, there wasn't much research begin done on RSS. Ten years after I turned 18, they had found out how severely it can affect adults. I haven't been working since 2015 because of how much the larger side of my body hurts if I'm standing for too long. I started having chest pain in 2017 and went to the ER last year, I was told that I have angina.
As for the friend, she left a few months ago because she was 'bored' of having a place to live without having to pay rent. She treated the Covid19 virus like a joke and kept inviting her friend over to our house. She's one of the most selfish people I've ever met and it was a slap in my mom's face after all she's given that woman and her meth-addicted daughter. I don't know how my mom will live without her friend living here anymore, which is why I'm lost in what I should do.
You need to start now advocating for yourself. Your mother may need her own support system, but there is not enough for you to have to pass around in caring for both you and herself.
"The only reason I'm alive is because she stayed awake every day to make sure I was fed enough food. She's the one who found out what my condition was when the doctors couldn't figure it out. I'm only alive because of her but this is too much of a burden for me."
You are wonderful daughter to want to help your mom. But you need to remember something about this dynamic - it was your mom's JOB to take care of you! That's what we sign on for when we have kids. You should not feel guilty because your mom took care of you and now you want to live your life!
I'm sorry your mom treats you the way she does. Not to make excuses, but she might be afraid of losing you. I have a 24 year old son who is still living at home since he just graduated and started working a year ago, but I know the time is rapidly approaching when he's going to fly the nest, and that scares the s**t out of me; but he needs to live his life. That's also a job of parents, to make sure their kids are able to live their lives independently. Quite frankly, that's the greatest gift we can give our kids - the gift of being able to be independent.
I know it's easier said than done, but you need to find a way to put the guilt aside and make some decisions about what you want - not what mom wants/needs. There are so many resources out there to help her. It's really not fair of her to put this onto your shoulders. Guilt is an insidious little bugger - you get so used to it that you start to feel guilty for things that are in no way your fault or things you have no way of controlling - like your mom's back issues or your illness. You might need some counseling to get some strategies on dealing with all the guilt. But I sincerely hope that you will start to make plans for a life other than trying to make your mom happy.
Hugs!
You need to move out on your own. Get away from the hoarding, the drugs and disfunction.
You need to be taking care of your own health and living life to the fullest.
Read up on FOG, Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
It is time for you to start building a life for yourself! You are at the best age to start building a career and a life. I know you have some issues to overcome, but you did manage to finish high school and to get your college degree so you are off to a good start.
I myself have an autoimmune disorder along with many mental health issues and I still manage to get several college degrees and made a life for myself. It wasn't easy, but I did it for many years until I got sick again, now, I am back to rebuilding and I know I have a long hard road ahead of me I will get there and so will you!
Start by moving out, maybe just a small apartment even if it's a Section 8. Are you working? If not then it's time to look for a job. Don't let yourself get overwhelmed just take one baby step at a time. Before you know it you will be right where you want to be. In fact, your condition may improve without the stress of your mom and the mess of the house around. I am a big believer that if our homes are clutter with junk and it doesn't feel safe and comfortable then it takes a toll on our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
If I can do it, so can you!
I wish you the best of luck. Hugs!!!
You know what the right answer is here, and we're all backing you up, telling you Yes, you are right.....it's time to move on and move out.
Your mother gave birth to you which means it was her job to care for you and to keep you alive. You don't 'owe' her your life as a result. You owe YOURSELF a life, my friend, one that's healthy and happy and in a place where you can thrive. And like you said, where you can make your own mistakes and enjoy your own accomplishments.
See what you can do to find your own place and to break the cycle that's been created here. That doesn't mean you are 'abandoning' your mother....it simply means you are creating your OWN life, independent and free of hers, which is perfectly acceptable and the whole purpose of having children.
Wishing you the best of luck and a guilt free future!