Should I explain to my father, who had a stroke, that he will die soon?

I am sorry for the situation your family is in. Most people know when they are going to die, many get the "impending sense of doom". Let him enjoy the thoughts of camping, just because they had a stroke does not mean they aren't capable of remembering things. Even so, they are in a hospital, letting him enjoy the thoughts of going camping and looking at the car. Ask him questions about previous camping trips, advice on the car, and changing the subject works vs telling a lie. Besides, if you are a child no matter what the age, the parent knows when you are lying. It's not good to give false hope. Ask him stories about things he likes. No matter how bad I was I wouldn't want my family to tell me I am going to die. Mom was in an ischemic stroke after surgery, she knew when certain people entered the room how her heart rate changed. The staff talked openly around her about death. I've been in too many situations where somehow they are aware. Let the man enjoy life while he has it, soon enough he won't.

wow what a mean question

You, nor the doctors can predict the future. And every day he's alive, he's living. I would just keep helping him live as he wants. If he dies, he dies. You don't have to tell him anything because yes, we all die, but no, you cannot predict when he will. I would never tell him he's not going home, because again, yes, it might look like he's on death's door, but you never know.

I look at death and life like this...
It's for enjoying every moment, not worrying about things you can't control.

If his memories of camping and the thought of possibly going again make him happy, let him be happy. Enjoy talking to him about camping and the fun times you've had. Dying is hard enough. You don't have to make it harder for him or you. Sing, laugh, share memories, view old pictures. That's such a better way than talking about death. We all waste so much time worrying about things instead of living. Living is sharing great moments with him, giving him peace on his own terms.

The great 'secret' of life: it ends.

I would draw the line at lying. If someone asks for a complete assessment they should be given just that with full details. Except in extraordinary situations where it is apparent they can accept this info only in small doses, or perhaps not at all.

For people often accept such info on their own timetable. Sometimes they never do, and sometimes it takes time (and sometimes more time than they have) and sometimes they make it clear they do not want to hear it.

There's a big difference between responding to requests for information and volunteering info that may not be wanted. Or perhaps it is but not quite yet, not all of it anyway.

The key to caring for a dying person is providing whatever (emotional and physical) comfort you are able to provide. Which can indeed be difficult when you're contemplating your own impending loss.

In any case, assuming you do care for the man you need not delay saying so, in terms/ways he can understand. Now, while he's still able to.

You have to employ Therapeutic Lying in order to keep his hope and spirits lifted.

Besides, yes he is going to die. But, you don't know when. It could be in days, months, or years from now.

Before my father died, after 18 months in and out of a skilled nursing facility, my husband, sister, and I "lied" to him over and over saying things like: we talked to your sister the last time I was here and she's good (she'd had a stroke and couldn't talk), your dog is doing great (we'd unfortunately had to put her to sleep), as soon as you get stronger you can go home, etc. We didn't feel bad about it and, frankly, it made us feel good to keep him content. We did know that he was a Christian, though. You might say: Dad, I don't thing you ever told me....did you ever go to church, as a kid? Do you believe in God? Just as a way to start the conversation if you think it's important. Keep visits as happy and light as possible. We brought hot meals and fresh snacks and paid a sitter for several hours a day, near the end while we worked. We also kept a big basket of little packaged snacks on a mini refrigerator, with Cokes, in his room. They were, mostly, for the staff. Prayers at the very tough time! Go along with his dreams! What can it hurt?

None of us know when the other will die. Some people exhibit end of life signs for months, years or decades.

Not all doctors are correct in their predictions. Talking about it could make your dad feel depressed, scared or confused. Why would you want to risk that?

All of us will die. All of us are getting closer to dying with each passing moment. What good will talking about it accomplish?

RaeRae123: Imho, perhaps there is no real purpose in telling him that. That seems quite cruel. Show him love, hugs and comfort.

Just go along with him and make him happy. Let him enjoy the rest of his life! Give him the love he needs.

Raerae,
No doubt you’re going through a very difficult time with your father’s illness. Many of us in the forum know what it’s like to wrestle with these kind of decisions from our own past experience. My hope and prayer is that you will find answers and some comfort here in the advice offered.

Your father may not appear to know he’s dying on a conscious level, but his body and spirit do. It’s comforting to him to talk about home, future plans, and wanting to do something for his daughter. If I were in your shoes, I’d try to go along with it and rest assured in the knowledge that God knows your father’s heart and the kind of man he truly is. If your father experiences a time of clarity and wants to talk about his belief or asks for a clergy, be prepared to fulfill his wishes.

You are in a tough spot, and the answer (probably) is "He already knows".

He may not be willing to face it, he might be wanting to spare you, or maybe he's even resisting it, but he already knows his life is about to be cut short, so may I offer you a little something that may make it easier for both of you?

Share stories and relive memories with him. Allow him to remember the good days and the love he gave and received.

Acknowledge him for the man he is and the person you have become. Let him know the life lessons you learned from him made a difference.

Clean up the messes you made over the years. I was 50 when I admitted to my dad that I stole the coins out of his (very valuable) coin collection to buy candy when I was 8 years old. I had forgotten about it (or maybe I didn't) but he hung on to it for 42 years. His response to me was, "Now I know you are a man."

Bring a tiny bit of joy into his life. The night before my dad passed, we stayed up late, drank scotch, watched Hannity, and argued politics. For him, that was a tiny preview of heaven.

Find out who he wants to talk to. Help him make phone calls, write letters, zoom, or whatever.

Muster up the courage to ask him how he wants to die. Let him know whatever happens he will die with dignity (or however he says.)

Seek out the humor in everything. Send him off laughing, not crying...

Maybe bring him a sleeping bag or a camping vest... he is going on a camping trip. Your job is to make him know there will be unlimited love when he gets to the campground and he made a huge difference and a giant contribution along his life-long journey to the campsite.

God bless Dad and his amazing child!

I think the KINDEST thing would be to go with his DREAMS for getting better and being helpful. Also stress how much GOOD he has done in his life. forget talking about death and God if you have not had those talks before. The key word here is EMPATHY, not shocking him saying you're going to die and you'll never come home. Just play along with HIS EFFORTS to have his last dreams.

I have been told twice that my mother will die soon. She is still here yet compromised. I tried to tell her certain facts but she literally seems disinterested.

I am not negating your situation and the time left. I would not tell that news if not asked. I just would take each day at a time.

People tell me that I cannot know how I will feel towards the end of my life but I absolutely know that I would not want to continue living if I could not walk. I would not want to not be able to use the toilet. I would not want to be constantly catheterized. I would not want my family to endlessly walk the halls of a nursing home and witness all that transpires there. I would not want them to be me.

I hope the end comes for your family in a peaceful manner and you will know that there is no point to endless suffering.

It's a sad situation but I would not tell him he will die soon. At 80 yrs old he knows that life is not forever here on earth. I think it would be disheartening to remind him the end is near--if he were 50 I could accept that he would like to say good bye and get affairs in order. I have a yr. old pacemaker and I think about it failing all the time-although I'm told I probably have at least another decade. I am near your fathers age so I hope he accepts what comes. Prayers for your family!

Personally, I believe a person has the right to know the truth, but there are times when it would not be helpful. I never met my husbands mother. She died of a brain tumor a few months before I met him, and he was only 20 years old. Nobody ever told her it was going to be fatal, she apparently just came to realize it, but they never talked about it. She was only in her 50's. If that had been me, I would have wanted to know so I could say my goodbyes to everyone.
Now, there is my mother, who is 89 years old and has dementia. She talks constantly about what we are going to do next summer; going to the beach, going fishing, whatever. We will do none of these things because she can hardly walk to the car. We don't tell her we won't do any of these things, she is unable to grasp reality, EXCEPT, she talks often about how God has been so good to her and she can hardly wait until He makes us all young again. Her faith in God is the constant and the most important anyway.

My thought here is that only you can assess what is best, but I would like to encourage you to read some Bible verses to him to prompt his thoughts toward God. It might prompt him to talk about how he feels. God bless you, this end of life stuff is so hard, and we are often blindsided at the twists and turns.

I have been in that situation, a few times in the last 4 years with my Dad, so I can tell you how I personally handled it, but each situation is unique. It is SO tricky when the loved one is also dealing with any sort of cognitive issues at the same time, because it is harder to to know what is truly going on with their own thought process, so having those types of talks, sometimes needs to be done gradually, instead of having a scheduled, "we need to talk" time.

With your dad asking if he can look at your car, and bringing up the idea of camping, it sounds like he may have an idea that something is going on, and may be facing the reality of needing to live and appreciate what time he has left on this planet, and spend it with the people he loves. With him asking you if he can look at your car, he might also be looking to see how you respond, to gauge how serious his current condition is. So he might be in denial, but at the same time, it sounds like he is possibly seeking validation from your responses, instead of directly asking.

Thinking back, I can now see that my Dad was doing the same sort of thing, and I truly struggled with how to respond, just like you. I did NOT
want to say the words, "Dad, you're dying." What I ended up doing was responding to him by saying that I really would love to go camping, and yes, I would most definitely want you to check out my car, but before we can do any of that, we have to focus on YOU and your health right now. I told him the doctors were saying things weren't looking that great at the moment, but if he was able to show improvement, maybe we could start making some plans to do something adventurous. I also factually told him what his body was doing, according to what the doctors were telling me, but I didnt directly tell him he was dying. I would then tell him that if he feels like he can show improvement, we could work on some little goals and build from there, and hopefully we would be able to surprise those doctors, and that I am there for him if he wanted to talk about how he was feeling. I feel like that allowed him to have hope, and yet at the same time it helped him realize that it was a serious situation which needed attention. After some time, his thought process of mortality started to move through the different stages, and eventually he would start talking realistically about his future, and it helped when it came time later to talk about how the doctors were suggesting hospice care I always made sure he knew it was the doctors saying this, and not me.

He was unique though, because, he ended up actually doing that one goal of surprising the doctors. Initially, he wasn't supposed to make it through the night, and then they said maybe a couple of days, and then he got to the point of being discharged, but was told it would be weeks, possibly a few months. But a year later? He actually graduated from hospice! He continued on for another couple of years, but once he made another goal (his 79th birthday), he started to rapidly decline, and ended up back in hospice. This time, it was definitely different, and we both knew time was running out. He wasn't able to communicate well, but I tell ya what, he did end up reaching one more goal. The last time we spoke with full eye contact, I was telling him what day it was, and that in five days, it would be March 18th, which was another significant day for both of us (it would have been my first born's/ his first grandchild's, 30th birthday. She died from Leukemia when she was four). He held onto our eye contact for a few moments longer in acknowledgement, but that was the last time he was alert with me. Hospice said it would be hours, maybe a couple of days at that point.

Around 8am, on the 18th, I woke up to my phone ringing, and it was that final call I was dreading. He peacefully died at 7:55am, on March 18th, and I have no doubt my first born and my mom were there in spirit to welcome him, 'back home'. ❤️

Hang in there! 🙏

I think it would be a gift to your father not to remove his hope. He may realize his days are numbered and not yet be ready to admit it. I wish you both peace

Is he in hospice? If his life is ending soon, why trouble him by telling him that he’s dying. Let him rest. Go along with his plans and ideas for the days. It is God who will determine the exact day he will leave. Who knows? Maybe he’ll even live to fulfill what he’s planning.

Why not tell him that you love him and express gratitude for the things he did for you or the experiences he shared with you? Reminisce with him.

Let him speak his mind and don't judge what he says. Just accept it, strange as it might be to you.

Your truth may not necessarily match his truth at this time. Let him speak his mind and let it be.

It is normal that some people have end-of-life experiences that are unfathomable to family members or caretakers. Let him say what he wants and accept who he is during his inevitable transition. There are lessons in this experience that may surprise you. Good luck.

I have read all the answers and feel for you and your father. Concerning his relationship to God, only he knows that. Each religion has its own beliefs in the afterlife, and when one does not have their mental cognition to understand what
is truth, then it's up to God. Show him love while you have him, no one knows the hour of our death. Let him have his dreams. And good thoughts sent to you and your family.

Why would you want to do that? The truth is that nobody knows how long he has, not even his doctors. One of our residents had been given the doom prediction three times, starting when she was 94. She lived to 103.

Your task now is to support him in his reality, so when he talks about going home go along with it. Tell him you'd be glad if he'd look at your car. + Go with his flow and ask for his suggestions for a camping trip. We're all going to die, but until that day, let's support LIFE, not death.

What is the rush? If he is going to die he will die the same, whether he knows it or not. Let him deal with his problem the way he wants. Put yourself in his shoes.

No one knows what it's like to be facing your own mortality until you are personally in that situation. I believe the person who is dying knows it on some level. I don't think you need to "tell him".

"Hey Dad, don't talk about fixing the car or going camping, because you're dying and it's not going to happen." Really. Would you want to be slapped in the face with that reality? Hope is eternal and if it gives your Dad some comfort in talking about future plans, go with it. No need to rain on his parade.

My Mom constantly asked to go home (to her house not her girlhood home) when she was in rehab for a broken leg. The trauma of surgery, anesthesia, movement to rehab (then longterm NH care), was too much for her to rationally comprehend what was happening to her. I believe she was having little TIA strokes while in the NH. I kept telling her when her broken leg healed, she could come home. I knew in my heart she would never recover from it and would be wheelchair bound until she died.

That said, she couldn't even weight bear on that leg for at least 8 weeks, so she sat in a wheelchair most days. Though we visited daily for HOURS on end, her mental capacity and reasoning (she had slight dementia before breaking her leg) skills suffered tremendously. Honestly, it was more stressful to deal with my brother's perception of our Mom's situation than with our Mom's.

So I just let her think that when she healed and got stronger, she could come home. Hope. Her 3 months in NH care was extremely stressful for me to get the care she deserved, so I did everything possibly to make her stay there pleasant. She ultimately had another stroke 2 months in and her final days were with me in her room 24/7 caring for and loving on her.

I can sleep at night knowing I did everything I could for her to ease her mind and make her comfortable. Isn't that what we all want in the end?

Put it this way. Would you want to be told, so every waking hour of every day is filled with that thought? I wouldn't. I would want to enjoy what I have in the moment. Spend the time you have chatting and reliving good memories, and telling him you love him.

Has hospice been discussed? If he is in pain they can help. They also have a chaplain who will visit him if requested. Sorry for this difficult situation.

I don't believe in telling people that they are going to die. Nobody knows for sure when any of us are going to die. However, this would be a good time to make sure that all of his affairs are in order and that you know his medical directives.

NO, you should not tell him he's going to die soon. Why would you do that? Let him dream of camping and fixing your car and anything else he wants to do "when he gets home.". That may very well be his "relationship with God" right there.
It would be more helpful to talk about how great it would be to go camping again and to remember past camping times. Many people at the end of life talk about "going home" even if they are not consciously equating that to dying.
Yes, he may die soon, but maybe not today. Today he still has Today.

Don’t tell him he’s going die soon !!!
he obviously wants to live !!!

If you worry about his faith and eternal destination, talk about that. No need to discuss the "when" of his passing since you do not know the day or time - only God does. While you're at it, consider this and ideal time to share with your dad how important your faith has been in your life. After that, just relax and enjoy the moments God allows you to have together.

Let him believe he's gonna go camping. He's still talking about living so let him live.