Should I go into elderly housing?

Dear Jakies; I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband! You've given so many such good advice on this forum and I hope that many of us return the favor.

My ex-MIL, of whom I am very fond, quite recently went into a CCRC (continuous care retirement community) that has levels of care from Independent Living to Nursing Home care, including Memory Care.

She had been living alone with her dog, still driving (at 91) and her children and grandchildren were all pretty frantic about her. She fell a couple of times (luckily, a neighbor saw her as she was outdoors, not in); she had frequent doc appointments and it was clear that someone needed to go with her as she was known to minimize what the docs were telling her ("oh, I don't need this procedure; the docs are all exagerating....".

She finally assented to move about 8 months ago. It has been tough with the pandemic, but her unit has a door to the outside so that she can walk the dog and we all call and Facetime frequently. She was still driving; the other day, she suddenly realized that she couldn't see out of one eye; it was determined that she had a blockage in her cartotid artery that needed immediate tending to (one of those procedures she had turned down....). The docs said that under no conditions can she drive any longer, as she could have a similar event on the other side and be rendered blind while driving. She relucantly gave up the car.

All this is a round=about way of saying, yes, I think that you will be more content in a smaller place with more people around. Hopefully, you can find a place that has what is called "scheduled transportation" so that you can get to at least some of your appointments and do your shopping on your own. In my mother's IL place, there was fine geriatrician who had office hours on site.

I wish you healing and comfort and better days ahead.

If I were you and can afford it, I would find a nice Assisted Living. One that has their Memory care separate. Moms AL was small and mixed. I felt sorry for those people that had to deal with those residents pretty much into their Dementia. The only bills you will need to worry about is your rent, phone and cable. I have a Tracfone. All I have to worry about is adding minutes and I can do that from the app. You won't need to worry about meal prep. They take care of your prescriptions. They do the cleaning. Will help you with ADLs.

Start downsizing now. Ask family to help. Keep in mind that an AL you get one room, some have apts. That way you will only keep what you will need.

I suggest you talk to your PCP about your pain. There are pain management doctors that may help you in controlling it.

I think you’re so wise to be thinking along these lines. It’s very realistic to plan on downsizing and moving to a more manageable place that better fits your needs now. You’ll feel lighter and freer and be giving your family a great gift by them not having as much to worry over. My husband and I have already downsized once and will do it again I’m sure. Home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling. You can make a new home and I wish you the best

That's my plan - to move into senior apt or at least a condo or apt complex. I want to feel safer and to have no house upkeep. As long as you are still fairly healthy, it would be cheaper to do this than an AL.

Sounds like you are asking for confirmation that the decision you have made is the right one.
If your current house is not accessible for a walker or wheelchair or if adaptations can not be made.
If you could not hire caregivers to come in, or did not want people in then moving to either Independent Living now and being able to transition to Assisted Living sounds perfect.
The difficult task is getting rid of all the “stuff” you have accumulated.

Good morning my dear.

Firstly, my condolences for the loss of your dear husband as well as your pup. You are right, this is a hard time for grief. Folks are having to deal with it feeling isolated because of this pandemic.

When my father passed away, I remember some wise words that were written to my mother which were “don’t do anything major for a year”.

You are coming up on that landmark so it is good that you have started your thought processes. I think moving to a smaller home, in a senior community, might be a good idea for you if that’s what you feel like you need to do. I suggest you do the legwork, as much as you can with this pandemic, and start looking at places to see if they feel like they are calling your name.

Maybe you could start by going through one drawer at a time at your house and weed through the papers and all the stuff that we accumulate through life, that way when you pick the right place, it won’t be as overwhelming to you. Big plus here, it will give you some goals and some thing to pass your time.

I want to assure you that you will get through this and you will be able to enjoy life again. Continue on the path that you are thinking of right now, just don’t be in a hurry, you have plenty of time to do your research to pick the right place. And then that place will say WELCOME HOME.

You should definitely speak to your children about it and it sounds like a very good idea to me.

The option I would choose is a Senior place where I wojld have my own apartment not in a home.

you would be able to make and have new friends and people around to visit.

There are very nice places that offer all kinds of things at the place as well as eating in the dining hall if you prefer not cooking and having games, ect for people living there.

Having a smaller one bedroom apartment along with your dog woukd make things much easier for you.

Im sure one of your children would love to go with you to check out a few places and it's always nice to see and talk to a couple residents living there to get their point of view.

You might try to keep your house for a few months in case you decide you want to move back.

You also could hire someone to come a few hours once or twice a week to help you with things.

You have made a very good case for making the move to senior living. It sounds to me like you're ready. Why not inquire and go check out some places that accept pets near the area you'd like to live? It can't hurt to look, right?

Some places allow you to stay in a furnished apartment for a weekend or a few weeks to see if you like it; as a “test drive“. Otherwise have you considered a live-in or visiting senior companion or aide?

My parents both moved to an independent apartment in a senior community. They enjoyed some activities
until their health declined. Their community has many amenities and a van to do scheduled runs to grocery, and other activities. Consult a financial advisor or a family member you can trust to go over your accounts. The rent is high at some of these communities. Take a scheduled tour at several places. Sounds like you do need a change and the house is too much.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. You have managed all of with such wisdom and grace. Discuss with your family, but it sounds like you have made up your own mind. I would carefully research the financial side of moving. I applaud you for thinking practically. My mother made bad decisions based on emotions and ended up letting her house fall into disrepair. She lost a lot of money in the value of her house. And it caused me a ton of unnecessary stress.

I am 69 and I expect to be asking the same question in 10 or 15 years. There is a lot of good advice here already, but I would like to throw in just a bit more. You will need to go through your things and sort out what to keep and what to give/throw away. Get started on that now, one drawer or cupboard at a time. This is good whatever your decision might be. It will give you some time to get used to life alone as well. You will be making progress either way.

If you have a computer, I would think about scanning into the computer the papers that you want to keep but don't really want to store. I have also scanned in all the photos from the old photo albums. I find that watching a slide show on my computer is better for me than going through the old albums. I gave the albums to my children. A friend also took photos of her old home and the sets of china she determined would not fit into her small AL suite. Take photos of everything that you shared with your husband in happy times and arrange them into digital slide shows. If you are not familiar with this process, ask a grandchild to help you. Even though I am still enjoying taking care of my home and gardens, I still take a lot of pleasure in looking at the digital slide shows I have made of my previous homes. It is a fine way to keep what you no longer have and revisit those earlier projects and happy times.

For me, the decision to move will be based on my ability and willingness to maintain my home and gardens in the way that I want them. For a while I had a couple of women come in once a month to do the heavy housework. I had to let them go when the pandemic came, but I will hire them again when it is safe. I also hire a man to help in the gardens. Having a little help makes the work a bit lighter and makes my life in my home more pleasant. Think about what might make your home feel better again.

I suspect, though, that 8 months is long enough that you do know that it is time to move on. Take your time in selecting a place that will keep you interested and engaged. If possible, find a place with nice views from the windows so that when you are having a slow day you can sit at the window and drink a cup of tea and be happy with the view. As much as you can, find a little joy in wrapping up your life in your home as you also explore the comforts of your new home. Do include your children and grandchildren in this process so that your eventual move will be satisfying. I say "eventual" because you may have to wait for an available apartment and you want to take your time sorting through your things, choosing what to take, what to bestow on others and which things should be donated to charity or thrown out. Your children, grandchildren, even nieces and nephews may be thrilled to get some of your old treasures. They will also help you to be less alone as you contemplate this move.

Bless you, and good luck finding a place that will be a nice, new home for you that will give you peace and a new sense of companionship with your new neighbors.

My brother just died after living in Assisted Living for just over 1 year. He was 85. Mostly it was a balance issue that took him in, a car accident that meant he could not longer shop for himself and would not drive again. I am 78. Knees, back, ankles slowly giving.
He lived at an assisted living that was VERY good. Very well staffed, good food, kind staff, movies, van to shopping centers, library, etc every week, activities. He had two rooms, So. Cal, ran him 4,000 for two room and beginning level of care (meaning basically self caring).
My answer to you is "Yes, you should BUT....." He was there, I am closer at 78, and you are a bit inbetween us.
If you can afford Assisted living you should consider this, but know that more and more people are in Assisted Living because they already suffer some mental impairment, often a good deal of physical. At my bro's table (for meal times) two women very "with it" and four others quite impaired. I was his POA and did his bills etc per his request.
Another "but " would be that you may not yet need that cost and that level of care; you may thrive in an Independent community.
If you are not there you are closing in and mostly physically, which is what I think "takes us there". Much better to begin explorations and to choose on your own.
For now be certain you have ALL wills, trusts, and POA in place. That is for doing NOW at once, if not already done.
Wishing you luck. We all get here. I hope financially you are left with choices.

I’m so sorry to hear of your husband’s passing and all of your troubles. It seems like you want to make this move, and it makes sense to me. You won’t have to worry about outside upkeep and house repairs. You’ll also have built in companions - many of whom are in similar circumstances. Best wishes.

I think your heart has given you the reasons and the answer. yes, by all means take life easier. From what you wrote you no longer want the burden of that house. The time to move is not when it’s too late but when you can enjoy where you move to. As you mentioned, make friends, be involved in activities and interests. Social isolation is not good and has been shown as a co-factor in dementia onset. So unburden yourself and find a nice place that takes pets. I do not think you will regret it. Visit several, read reviews, interview people who live there and have lunch at several of the places if that's allowed. Good luck and check back with your decision.
There are senior move specialists who can also help you decide what to take and what to get rid of. They pack, move it and unpack it which lightens the burden.

I think it sounds like an extremely good idea for you to move into a (carefully selected) retirement community. Check that there is a good continuum of care and support services available so that you will be able to remain there even if your abilities do gradually decrease.

But I think you're right, and I think that once you can conserve your energy for activities you enjoy - as opposed to being stressed by the burdens of home ownership and coping alone - you'll find that your physical health actually improves. What a sensible lady you are!

I have nothing but good things to say about the independent senior living facility that I helped my mother move into. Similar to your situation, my father had passed away and the house they had owned for 50 years was too much for my mother to manage at 81. Managing the bills, taxes, maintenance of the car etc consumed her. She wanted to enjoy her interests and a social life without worrying about driving. The facility offered small cottages or an apartment in the main building which is what she opted for. She could have kept her car but she chose not to because they had a small bus that would take residents to appts and shopping. Field trips, clubs and events were offered frequently. She chose a dining plan where she would have one meal a day in the community dining room. She enjoyed making her own breakfast and lunch but she also enjoyed getting to know and dine with the other residents once a day at dinner. After a few years, she became more forgetful and I was able to hire someone through the facility who could help her with her medication. Once she was settled into her new apartment, my sister and I helped prepare her house for sale. She never looked back and became a happier person without the weight of her house and car on her shoulders. It was much easier for her to move once she felt settled in her new place. We had visited a variety of similar places before deciding and they all definitely did a good job of making us feel comfortable and welcome. Some of these places come with a high price tag which is the only "con" I can think of. They market the high price by saying that you don't have to pay for maintenance of a house, a car, taxes, insurance, etc. My mother was adamant at first that she couldn't afford such a place. We were brutally honest with what my mother could afford and the place we chose worked with us. It sounds to me that you are ready for the move. Why hold onto a house if you don't enjoy it?

Hi jakies :) i just turned 80 this year too.

ive had long term insurance for years and so have been checking out some places tho i dont need any yet. I do think the time has come for you to look around a little since youve got the time. So thats all i’ll talk to you about.

it’s really nice now that places will allow pets.

this sounds really weird but im actually looking forward to going to a facility and having someone clean for me and fix meals, have games and movies, take van rides, and still give me some private times.

i suggest visiting the facilities in your area and even a short distance away if nothing satisfactory is close. Have a meal. Talk to residents. Ask if you can go to activity or two.

personally i want to go directly to assisted living. I dont see any sense in independent living for myself since i have a house.

Something else too to ask is when the time comes if you can remain in your apartment/room with hospice visits or do you have to go to a nursing home. The place im interested says it will allow me to remain there.

now, sadly for me, is persuading my husband that moving someday is a good idea. He is adamant about remaining at home and it saddens me that i may need to leave him behind.

will a facility turn out to be as “wonderful” as they try to make it sound? I can only hope. I think it would be better than living in a house and waiting for meals in wheels even with a pet ... and husband in my case ... and just sitting around with virtually nothing to do and no way to get someplace. And I hope im healthy enough enough to enjoy it without having to wait too long and then not be eligible and have to go directly to skilled.

Now might not be a good time with Covid-19. Call PACE program see if they can help you if it is in your area.

I moved into an independent living complex (62 and older). It was the worst mistake of my life. We read about bullying in middle and high schools, but I was not prepared at the viciousness of listening to 70-80-90 year old women tear into each other verbally. I put myself forward to volunteer for some of the activities and one woman who thought she was in charge of them all left a cut and paste threat in my mailbox that no one like me. Everyone wanted to know where I was going, where I had been, what I had bought if I returned from shopping. Fortunately, for me, I was able physically, and financially to move out to a 1 BR apt in a property managed new complex. I've made friends here, the staff are fantastic and all the maintenance needs are met by them.

If you choose to explore this, be very, very prepared for the 'cliques' of old.

One suggestion might be to find a small apartment in a managed property and avail yourself of community resources for activities and volunteer opportunities. Look for an area with an outstanding public/handicap public transportation system. Then you can come and go as you wish without dealing with the mean girls. Mean girls grow up to be very mean old women who sadly have nothing in their lives but to make everyone else miserable.

Life is too short, to have your golden years be tainted. Best of luck!!!

God bless you and guide you. you seem very intelligent and stable.Since you do seem to have some serious health problems, assisted living and or "senior housuing" might be good for you. Go slowly and carefully; take a lot of time making such a big decision.Visit a lot of facilities in your area. They will probably invite you to a lovely lunch.Of course, with the CoVID 19, you may wish to do your visiting online.Be sure to consider places that are in a really good location where it would be easy for friends and or relatives to frequently visit you.Please be aware that the very best and most lovely facilities lure you in with a great initial price and then increase the fee every year.Also, be careful and aware that some facilities are not as good as they seem. Sometimes, in order to make a large profit the owners employ very intellectually limite people at very low wages. Talk a lot to the various employees at each plce you visitto see how rational and mentally healthy and competent they are or are not.Communicate online if youwish.Be sure you understand the fees clearly and study thrm in writing. Some places charge one overal fee. Others charge a smaller fee but offer less service. Will you need transportation and or physical therapy? Make sure to see what is clearly covered or not.Please forgive my typos.Do you have long term care insurance? i hope so. If not , do you have enough income to cover the services you need now and those you may need in future. Write out a careful budget for your present situation. Then , after a lot of careful visiting and observing, write out a nother budget for "senior housing". Compare the 2 carefully. i am 86 and I am very very happy and contented living alone and paying people to do my yard and maintenance. However, i am very strong, healthy, med free, and pain free.When I become ill and or disabled, i am planning to go into a very good assisted living facility in a great location. i do have long term care insurance. I hope i never have to use it. However, we all must try to prepare for whatever may happen as best as we can.I hope you will seek out a great and godly pastor, priest, or rabbi to help you and counsel you. However, be careful in your choice. there are alot of untrustworthypeople out ther noweadays. Whatever you do, do not ever let anyone talk you into taking any so called antidepressant. They always do more harm than good. Also, try to eat a lot of wholesome natural inglammation fighters every single day. The 3 best are extra virgin olive oil. real pure maple syrup, and apple cider vinegar. God bless you and keep you

It seems you have a lot of pain these past few years. Before moving, try a few ideas:

1 - Ask you children and grandchildren to come and help you declutter. I bet at least one of them is a compulsive organizer and another may have a flair for interior design. Go through 1 room at a time. Donate whatever you don't need: to your family, to friends, or to a charitable organization (get those donation receipts for taxes). The idea is to streamline down to whatever truly gives you pleasure, is useful, and makes life easier.

2 - Ask a tech savvy family member to help you with establishing online bill payments and automatic payments. You won't have to remember who to pay and when. If you are nervous about this, start with payments that are always the same amounts. You can see that the payments are made by checking your bank statements online - or ask that tech savvy family member to do so for you.

3 - Ask a grandchild or 2 or 3 to come clean your home and yard on a weekly basis for a little cash. Write a simple agreement that states when they will come, the work they will do, and the amount they will be paid. Bonuses: you get to see them weekly and your place looks amazing!

4 - Ask a family member to take you grocery shopping. I know that grocery deliveries are available but you need more "people interactions" in your week. Please make sure to wear a good face mask, wash your hands, and social distance. Bonuses: a little exercise, a little time socializing, and you get to pick the best produce.

5 - Ask a reliable child to go with you to see a lawyer that specializes in elder law. Make out your will, your financial power of attorney, your medical power of attorney, living will and any other legal documents that will help your family care for you.

6 - Get a doctor appointment, now. You are experiencing pain that is making it hard to live comfortably. Yes, you will need to wear a face mask and wait in a car until your doctor is ready. Please write a little diary until your appointment of the pain you feel daily: when, where is it, on scale of 1-10 how bad is it, what does it feel like, and if anything makes it better. He/she can prescribe medications, physical therapy (which can come to the house), and any aides like splints, walker... While you are at it, explain your difficulties with being isolated. You may have a touch of depression which is totally understandable and totally treatable.

Most of these ideas will take about 6 months to give a good trial. If they help, you may not need to move at all. If you still feel like you wish to move to assisted living, there are some facts you need to understand. People in all types of residential facilities are isolated from each other. Most are not permitting visitors of any kind = more social isolation. It will be more expensive than living in your current home. You will be giving up a lot of freedom to make decisions.

My grandmother successfully lived to 98 years old (1 month shy of 99). She lived in her own home until she was 92. She moved in with my mother and paid my mom to be her caregiver. They were a good fit for those 7 years. Gram had severe arthritis in her hands and knees. She also had a bad heart and developed some Alzheimer's disease the last few years - just a bit forgetful and repeating the same stories. She had a good quality of life. Praying you can have the same as well.

I was in a similar situation but senior housing (independent living apartment) was one of the best decisions I've ever made. My family is shrinking...many don't live near me now...but now they are relieved of worries they may have had about my well being.

I have a kitchen to cook in if I want to, but never need to. Meals are generally OK, sometimes quite good. No outdoor chores or home maintenance to pay for or think about. But I can get help with household stuff if I need it. Plenty of people to talk to if I feel like it and regular calendar of social events. I've had some health problems, including a few falls. Surgery took care of major problems, but I can get immediate help at the touch of a button day or night if needed.

CAUTION, Just be sure you check thoroughly ALL the expenses of living anywhere you move to. Some services offered are not automatically included and the extra fees for them can be substantial. Be sure you ASK. Also expect regular, usually annual, rent increases. I used to drive when I first made the move, but now I cannot. Transportation for shopping, church and doctors is free (but on a schedule). Be sure to check on this as well.

I friend's mom moved to senior housing yearterdy. A lovely apartment. She can not leave because of COVID.. It had not been made clear or she did not understand. She is so sad... After daily companions for the past couple of months, she had fallen when walking the dog but much older at 89,....she was not expecting isolation after her move. . Perhaps renting a smaller house or an apartment would be best if you don't need assisted living. Your grief is still new. It took my mom a full year to feel herself again. She(also 89) is in the 4bed rancher with my son and I taking care of a lot of things for her..... She is happier just lonely for my dad.

I will begin renovating a small cottage near me for my mom shortly..... It will be my place down the road.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Wow. That’s a lot but sounds like you have a lot joyful living ahead of you. Let your family know you made that decision and engage them in researching visiting and helping you find a place. Let them drive you to a few final choices that meet the criteria that you believe will give you the life quality you are seeking. They can help you down size, scan pics, sell or donate what you don’t give them or friends. They can make arrangements for the movers, cleaners and help with the house sale by assisting you in finding an agent. If they are part of the move they won’t feel guilty and you get some purposeful quality time with them.

I wish you many warm and lovely days with your family and pouch in your next chapters.

Have you asked your friends and family help you clear out your house?

My 90 friend is doing this with the help of 1 of her daughters 1 day a month. She is making stacks at the front door of items clearly marked where they are going.

Can you enlist the help of your family to bring you items and you tell them where it goes? You need to be ready to get rid of "stuff" and only keep the bear minimum. Otherwise you will just be wasting time. This is the hardest part, seeing things that have some good memories and not being able to keep them. Women's shelters are always looking for household goods and clothing to help women start over, so please do not throw items away because you have no use and your family doesn't want it.

Best of luck getting rid of the stuff and finding your new home.

Hello, Reading your contribution to this great website brought back many memories of the agonies I went through when my husband died 5 years ago at age 86. He had mild (worsening) dementia that made it difficult to communicate in any depth and some physical problems that made it impossible for him to do most of the things he enjoyed..golf, yard work, driving, poker games with his friends, attending his beloved Seahawks football games, even visiting and advising our 6 children & 12 grandkids. He had always been everyone's "rock" and a lot of fun to be with. I stayed alone in our big home for 3 years and enjoyed it (mostly), but then started to think about my long term future. There's not much housekeeping when a woman is alone and I loved caring for our beautiful yard. I knew I wouldn't be able to continue driving forever and decided to investigate independent living facilities while I could still be the one making my decisions. I looked for "graduated care" so I could be moved from IL to AL and even to memory care, within the facility, if that became necessary, without having to go searching again for the appropriate next level of care. At first, my children were appalled that I would be considering such a move. But they gradually came to realize it wasn't because I needed "care", it was so I'd have the freedom to just live my life without having to worry about maintaining the home/yard, etc. I found exactly what I was looking for after visiting several places. I've been here nearly 3 years and have never regretted it. Of course, such a transition is partly what you make of it. I'm a confirmed extrovert without being pushy and have made friends with many of the residents. I've gotten involved in many activities and take advantage of all the outings.
If you decide to start investigating...ask lots of questions...is there someone there at night? Ask to have a meal or 2. what's the amount of housekeeping they offer? how does it smell when you walk in and walk around inside? Odors turned me away from a couple of places I visited. Ask for a peek into the kitchen. Start making a list of the questions you have and take it with you when you visit.
I wish you the best in your search and your journey. I still have days when I'd give a lot to be back in my house, but, being a rational woman, I know I'm right where I belong.

Doesn't sound like you need "Assisted" living which is much more expensive than "Independent" living in an apartment or cottage. Do NOT get these two confused! Assisted living, even in a separate apartment, comes with services you sound like you may not need. Assisted living is fine if you need help with bathing, dressing, medication etc. and you pay more every month to have these services available. Many facilities offer either "assisted" or "independent" living in the same building or general location. But as a resident in independent living, you can usually access extra help for personal care on a temporary basis, only when and if needed. You are living an independent life-style now.

Perhaps not a good idea right now. Covid risks and consequences - like no visitors, you probably won't be allowed to bring animals to these places either. Maybe look around when Covid is under better control. You should check out the food before making a decision and, in general, don't assume anything. Many other good answers here.