Should I go into elderly housing?

Nice to have a plan in place early on, and it will be much easier for you. I think you are smart to consider elderly housing before it becomes more difficult for you. Keep your money for your care in case you need it. We have a fairly large house and I find it difficult to keep up with all the upkeep. I had a condo years ago and I loved it. My cousin lives in a small elderly housing complex, accessible apartment, and other tenants check on her frequently, they get together for pot luck and play bingo every week. She loves it and it is a nice place, rent is about $750 includes heat and hot water. No one in the building has or had Covid. Very strict, only one visitor in the community room. No visiting in the apartments.
Wishing you the very best, happy times, new wonderful friendships and a beautiful home that is perfect for you and your little dog. Good Luck.

I also had the same thoughts you have after my husband passed away. I took care of my house for 5 years after he died. I didn't want to rely on my children for repairs to the house, but I also had to watch my finances and getting outside help was costly.

I was fortunate to find a senior living apartment. One bedroom, 1 bath with shower, living room, kitchenette with stove and a small screened porch. I'm forty minutes from my son. One meal a day (lunch) rides to doctors and shopping to different stores. And, they also welcome animals!

I wish you well. I feel I've been blessed.

Find a small apartment or condo in an elderly community where you won't be responsible for maintenance or mowing that also allows pets. The dog walking, as you say, makes you get up and move. That will remain a plus for you. In this setting, the walks will also mean coming into contact with other people your age.

This will also put you in a place where visits from family will be real visits, meals, outings instead of trying to complete a checklist of tasks that need to be done. If you are overwhelmed where you are, others who try to help you may be overwhelmed as well trying to keep up with tasks that must be done.

The best part of your question is that you have asked the question. At least you are open to moving and simplifying your life. Other families deal with parents and grandparents who are resistant to even considering a change making it much more difficult for the family to provide the care and duties that increase over time. Bless you as you make this decision.

* First: find out how many and where in area you want to live.
- Call; speak to admissions
- Track calls, names, ph #, date of call and follow-up need-situation.

TRY THE TWO COLUMN PLUSES AND MINUES
Stay at home . . . . Move to elder residential housing

Either have a social worker or family member assist you in asking the right questions . at RETIREMENT homes. While we, here, can offer support and suggestions, you will need to call facilities / elder residential housing and speak with admissions.
* Amenities - what are they and how many would you use
* Check Public Health Records - any citations?
* Ask admissions for referrals and/or talk to some residents (at least three)
* Ask about levels of care - nursing? social workers on site?
* Availability - when
* Make appt to visit - have someone you trust with you
* Have someone w/you when signing paperwork/contracts

I'm in my 80's and have all the back symptoms and pain you describe, and also have a small rescue dog which forces me to walk. Daughter insisted on visiting some independent living apartments with me, and I'm now preparing to move.
I was thinking of a small senior apartment, but ended up going with a life care community where I start in independent living and receive increasing care as needed. The cost is more and my children will end up with less finances, but all family lives out of town and they said they'd rather I made my own choices before being incapacitated than having them make those decisions for me. Both my parents ended up in dementia care at the end of their lives.
If you're overwhelmed now this will simplify your life, especially not having to find good help as needed,
Independent living residents have more freedom during this pandemic, but folks in assisted living and nursing care are restricted.

You will do your children a favor to live close to them so that it will be easy for them to visit, once covid restrictions are lifted. It's also a favor to your children to downsize and move into an apartment. This will also simplify your life. The building manager will take care of repairs, landscaping, shoveling snow, etc. If your children can't help you with the downsizing, you can hire a professional organizers. Some specialize in downsizing. Depending on your health, you can live in a regular apartment, or there is the option of a senior residence. One thing I looked for when I was helping my mother find a place is a continuous care residence so that she could live in independent living as long as she was able, and they also had assisted living, memory care and skilled nursing on the campus. They notified me when she needed to move to memory care. My mother and I both resisted it at first, but they were right. She needed more assistance at that point. My mother was able to use her own furniture and pictures in the senior residence. My mother's apartment in independent living had a full kitchen. She has advanced dementia now, and they are taking very good care of her. It's one monthly bill (for housing, food, and incidentals), except for medical and insurance bills. Also make sure all of your paperwork is in order (will, living will with your medical directives, Power of Attorney for financial and medical decisions, so that someone can take over if you become incapacitated, and some banks have their own POA form. As POA, I took care of my aunt's financial affairs until she passed at age 99. Now am taking care of my mother's financial affairs. I have all of her statements sent to me. I simplified her financials by reducing the number of accounts, and we made them joint accounts, which also made it easier for me to help her. The main downside of living in a senior residence (in my opinion) is that they have schedules and rules. You have to eat meals when they are serving them, if you use their shuttle bus you have to follow their schedule, they don't allow visits except by appointment during covid, etc. If you can keep your car, you'll have more freedom. The upside is that they will look out for you. There are people around, and if you choose a place that has residents that have similar interests you might be able to make new friends. However, even this is restricted during covid. In my mother's place, pets are OK in independent living, but not in assisted living if you will not be able to care for the pet.

Speaking from experience, first I think it is wonderful you have a new dog to be loved and love him and you get your exercise. You saved a life and perhaps yours too. Don't give that up. I would immediately seek to move into a small apartment and if your family is willing to help you when you need things, you are so blessed. Make that your number one priority and seek medical help for the pain in your back (I am in agony for same reason and can't walk). If you possibly can do so, stay in YOUR OWN HOME - I'd sell my soul to the devil to have mine again. If you go to assisted living, you might do all right but so many of these people have dementia and truly don't do much if anything and you might find yourself quite lonely in a place with time schedules, rules, regulations, etc. I hate living like this but I had no choice since I can't walk due to a disability which hit me 12 years ago. As long as it is possible for you, with some help and that precious dog, find a small place and make it your home. You won't regret it.

Hi, Jakies.

Sorry about the loss of your husband and all the problems you have going on. It sounds as if you have wonderful children, though!

My answer to your question is a resounding "YES". My husband and I moved 6 hours from our home to be closer to our 3 children. We decided to move into a senior living community because of my husband's medical issues and our desire not to have our children have to take care of us.

We are the youngest on our campus and are in the independent living area (R is 70 and I am 67), but we have made wonderful friends in the year we have been here. There is always someone to talk with, about your grief, children/grandchildren, memories or anything you can think of. There are so many things to do (although right now they are fewer), trips, card games, crafts, exercise classes, clubs, the list goes on. You can do as much, or as little, as you wish.

If you need help, there is always someone around, which is very comforting. And most places I have seen have emergency call buttons. Because we live on a campus with a continuum of care, there is always a nurse close by. Most places will take you to appointments, to the drug store, etc., have a hair salon and other amenities.

Pet-friendly is the way to go! And there will always be someone will to help with your dog, if you need it.

The luxury of being somewhere where you do not have to take care of things, drive, clean, or cook is wonderful. And knowing that your children do not have to worry about, or take care of, you is fantastic!

The only downside we have found is that there are a few people we don't get along with (normal). We are polite when we see them but otherwise we don't associate with them and everything works out.

I hope things go well with you and that you find peace. Stay safe.

Imho, your adult children could help with this decision. Prayers sent.

Dear Jakies
So sorry for all you have been through lately. Aging is a BIG challenge. Sounds however, as if you are way ahead of the game. Even though you may not yet be conscious of it, you have already made your decision. Take a good look at all you have stated in your discussion. It seems to me that you have decided to go into a senior living environment, for yourself and your family. Trust your instincts. Peace and Love.

Oh Jakies,
I hope I have the courage you have and make the decision to go into AL while I can. I hope to have the courage to stand up for myself & tell my family that the time has come, yet again, to make another life change and not make anyone else, including my family, have to make that decision for me. HOW EMPOWERING! Keep us updated.

For downsizing, I throw at least one thing out every week. If I haven't thrown something out by Sat, I go looking for something. I throw something out even if it is just a piece of paper.

One warning on "continuing care" places. Check them out thoroughly. One of my friends and her husband put most of their savings into one of those places you "buy into". Unknown to them, the place was on the verge of bankruptcy,, another company purchased it and refused to honor the contracts of the people living there. If you are asked to "buy in" I would have an attorney and CPA check the contract and business.

I find it so special that you recognize and appreciate what your family is able to do and that you care about them as well.

I lost my husband at age 57. I heeded the advice of “wait a year”. But I did begin to feel like you...the house was too much to handle. Several years later, I did sell...after 35 years in one place, it took me that long to clean-out; make decisions, etc.

I was too young to go to senior housing. But when looking with my parents at the options...it looked very appealing. (They, however, wanted to remain in their own home.).

at 60, I retired and ended up taking a (dream) position where I was provided housing...but now, gave up that to come home and care for my parents. I’m pushing 63 and ...once again, feeling like taking on the responsibilities of assisting my parents with their home ownership to be overwhelming. They have turned down several opportunities to enter an assisted living facility. To me it seems like such a great opportunity!!

if you can afford to do so now...I would surely talk to your family and tell them you are ready to make the change.

In think that sometimes our children see it as a negative of “giving up the family home”. But nostalgia doesn’t help you day-to-day. You are being realistic to notice they have their own lives, families, and homes to maintain. This is a good thing and you see it as such! ❤️

When I lived abroad in an apartment that was provided for me...meals if I chose to have them (and a kitchen to cook if I chose)...cleaning and laundry services...and time to do all I loved to do...I really did enjoy it! Although I was working, it was very comparable to what I had seen as benefits of senior housing options I had explored with my parents.

I wish they had opted to do so.

We all have differing needs. In my heart I knew it was time to sell my home. When I pass by the house...every so often...I see the weeds...and other maintenance issues and think “I’m so glad I sold it”! 🤣🤣. The last time I passed by, nearly 2 years since I sold...I did finally have a good cry...it is a loss. The dreams I had of my grandchildren coming to spend summer weeks with me will never happen. But I also realized....those visits may not have happened as I thought anyway! (Especially not this year!!).

Your family seems wonderful...I’m sure a good conversation will help you settle your mind. And it sounds like you have a good support system to help you “clean out”! (Even if you decide to stay...that may be a good idea anyway!!). ❤️😊

Yes! Do it! Take your time to look for a place you will love. I moved into my place when I was 69. It is independent living. I could have moved in at 55. Most of the people were older and most of them wished they had moved earlier. Right now we are still on lockdown so it is not as much fun as it was but that should end soon. I have to say it is far different from the life I had before in the big city but I have come to love the quiet of the country. I have found a whole new life and I like it. One thing people might not tell you- but I shall- is that the life we had for so long is over and it doesn't fit us anymore. We are living with the ghosts of our past and it isn't a good feeling. So to start out in a new place with folks you don't know can be an adventure. It is also a relief for me because I have a few conditions and people here are in the same boat so we are not scaring the younger folks with our old age stuff. I feel young here because I am in better shape than some folks. When I first visited the place where I now live I was struck by how happy most people seemed. I still feel we are the lucky ones to have a nice place to live and people to help if we need it. You can have as much company as you can stand or keep to yourself. What you do is create a whole new life with your new choices. I say go for it!!!

I like what Taarna had to say - some good advice there!

Sorry for all your travails and loss of husband and dog. The only upside is that it relieves you of a lot of the work and stress involved in providing for their care for so long. Hopefully that helps to relieve some of your pain and maybe reduce your BP. It's also great that you have another nice little pup to care for, who loves you, makes you happy and gets you up and about!

Your description of everything was detailed, which is helpful. It is good you have considered preparing for a different future. The nice thing about finding good senior housing is that it relieves you of having to maintain a home, yard AND many bills! It is great that your kids/grandkids do come and help you out, but over time that will become harder to maintain. If you moved to a place where this kind of work is covered, then they can spend that time VISITING with you rather than doing chores/tasks! It is often very hard for our children to take us in. I have told my kids I don't expect that from them.

While you are still mobile, it would be good to get everything in order. Consult with EC attorney (try several - most will give an initial free consult) and start touring facilities (may have to be done by phone/online/brochure for now.) Have a list of questions for the atty AND the places you inquire about. Take LOTS of notes! Each atty and place will have their own costs and what's included for that amount. Involve your kids too, so they can ask questions and perhaps see/think about things you might have missed! You can start by weeding through your things and let them help you dispose of/donate/give away what you can, to prepare for a move (that was a BEAR for me - took me about 1 3/4 years to get mom's condo cleared, cleaned and repaired in order to sell it!!!)

Our mother developed dementia, so I had to do all that prep legwork myself. As noted in another comment, I would recommend being wary about those "continuing care" places that require a big up front payment.

Initial steps were to have all legal issues in place - POAs, will, medical desires, set up a trust for her liquid assets and later put the proceeds from the sale of the condo in it too. What's nice about that trust is looking at the 2 yr chart it is like we haven't touched it, yet her pension and SS covers less than 1/2 the MC cost, so that comes from the trust! I then checked out various places, 3 in the town next to mine. I ruled out a cont care place and another place there (yucky). YB found one, but it would have been a long drive for me and I manage everything. It was also more expensive with a lousy location. The one settled on wasn't even open yet, but it was the BEST choice!

It is a lovely IL/AL/MC place where one can transition as needed to the next level of care. It was torn down and rebuilt, so is fairly new. Private pay with endowment as well. They DO allow small pets. There was even one cat living in the MC area! Staff is nice. Everyone I have met there is nice. I wouldn't hesitate to move there if I felt overwhelmed in my own place! The other nice thing is it's in SW NH, so there is NO TAX on her income! For the most part her's wasn't (she lived in MA too, but SS and fed pensions are not taxed. Fed tax is now 0, because MC is fully deductible.) It is a lovely place, has transport to local shops and medical/dental if needed, and will shop for supplies you need as well if you can't get out (lock down prevented some getting out.) Not a single case of the virus to date! They are allowing some visits outside now, with restrictions, and some indoor activities and communal dining has resumed as well.

It's about 5-10 min to local hospital, has lovely views, many activities (curtailed some for now) - I can't say enough nice things about it! Hairdresser on site, other amenities. Everyone I've met, staff and residents are VERY nice people! Look, listen, ask ?s any place you check - you might find a great one!

Tons of excellent suggestions. Now is the time to establish POA. Scale down. Move to independently or to a retirement community. My MIL lives in a one bedroom retirement community on $1200 social security. Rent $750. She is happy there. Moved out a huge rancher home. Less to care for and more time to enjoy her life without all the keep up. Do your homework on a place AL in case you feel it is time for that. It is expensive. Hiring care in your home is less unless you need skilled nursing care. Now —Hire help to sort through belongings. Donate things and have your family assist in moving those items out of house. Perhaps your children or grandchildren would enjoy something you own. Ask and have them take it now. One less thing to move. Don't try to sort yourself. Too difficult to do and not realistic. You have your wits about you so I think you will know what is best for you at this time.

First of all I think it's great that you are self aware and planning.  Assisted Living or a Senior apartment community would be great for you.  Not having to worry about a yard and snow and what not sounds like a wonderful thing.  You've got to start with pairing down all of your things.  Give the special things to your family members now so you can tell them why you are gifting it to them and the story behind it if there is one.  Donate the rest.  Keep the bare necessities for your new apartment.  You will feel much lighter getting rid of all of that STUFF.  Then start visiting different places so you can get a feel for what you like or don't like.  Many places have a waiting list so get your name in for the one you like and can afford and then list your house.  I know that is a long list of to-do's and you will need to enlist the help of your family, but I'm sure they will be more than willing to help you lighten the load so to speak and move on to the next stage of your life.  You want to have time and energy to do the things that you want to do.

Good Luck & Take Care.

I think you’ve answered your own question. You are ready for more care. Your family and grandkids sound great. Have them help you find the right place, give them everything you no longer need, and go for a new life! It sounds to me like you know it’s the right way for you to move forward.

It all depends on how old you are mentally. You are 80, you say. My mother lived to be 90 (last year). She didn't want to live with "old people". I moved to senior community at 62, moved out at 67, two months ago. It was a nice and very adequate apartment. The the gossip mentality got to be too much -- residents and administrators. Be careful.