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I'm 68. I am a recent widow after 30 years of marriage. My hubby died 11/1/23. He had COPD and was a disabled veteran (USA RET/Desert Storm vet). He didn't require the full level of care that some do, but I provided all his care. He was my life and I was happy to do it.
Now I've been alone for a few months and I'm very lonely. I have a BIL and SIL who I see maybe once a month; they're involved with their DTR/SIL/grandkids in another town. My hubby and I did not have friends here; we had only moved here a couple of years before.
Things around the house have started to become very difficult for me, such as laundry, groceries, keeping up with the house, etc. I don't think I need an AL level of care just yet. Simplifying my life and living in an apartment vs. the huge house I'm in would probably help me deal with everything. I'm not sure, though, if that would be enough.
I'm trying to decide if I should sell my house and move into an IL facility or just rent an apartment. I have severe arthritis and I'll be having knee replacement surgery in 3 weeks, with another surgery probably a few months later. My hips may be next; we'll see. But I still have a car and can get out whenever I want. I'm very active in my sewing. But those things still leave me lonely. I'm wondering if I would be able to make friends more easily if I move into IL. I'm rather shy when it comes to making new friends.
Any thoughts on my situation? What would you recommend?

My personal timeline is to reevaluate my life at age 75 to see if I need to downsize or make any changes - there are lots of types of 50+ communities that might suit your needs better (and will be much cheaper and more flexible than an IL facility)
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I think you should definitely consider moving into senior housing! I set my parents up in a great apartment in IL when they moved here in 2011. They loved it because it was centrally located and they could walk to restaurants, banks, grocery stores, etc. They had meals available IF they wanted, and free breakfast daily. Quite a few activities and social gatherings on site along with a newcomer committee to get new move in's acquainted. It really was ideal. My dad was shy but even he made friends easily there and played cards with the men. My mother was a social butterfly so she was fine in IL and AL as well. I think you'd be a lot less lonely if you were to move to a senior complex, I really do.

Best of luck with your upcoming surgeries. And my condolences on the loss of your dear husband.
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farmkiti Aug 31, 2024
Thank you so much for your encouraging and compassionate answer. I am now pretty sure I'll go the IL route after my surgery, and after I sell my house, etc.
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Me? I would go with IL and when I feel the need I will.

People around, activities, yet the freedom to drive my wheels, shop and enjoy life.
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farmkiti Aug 31, 2024
Thank you for your positive take on IL. I'm leaning that way now.
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An over-55 community might be the answer. Mine has many activities including special interest clubs, trips, entertainment, and each neighborhood is a social entity where being helpful to each other is encouraged. Lots to like! No apartments, all freestanding houses from 1300 sf up.
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Our state senator from 2023 bought a condo in IL. The biggest revolt came when residents were told to get their newspapers from the front desk due to staff cutbacks. The management caved within a day.

Living there is like being on a cruise ship, but better. There’s a warm water pool, there are fantastic gardens, and there is always something to do.
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farmkiti Aug 31, 2024
I like your cruise ship analogy. Seems appropriate!
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I wouldn't make quick moves. I would think of the downsizing first and stay where you are if you find that ALF are of about the same cost where you are as opposed to IL. WHY do you think Illinois would be better than where you are? Is there family?

Start slow. For instance, in my town good public transit and there are library "movie days", getting to know tech days, knitting classes. Look at nearby senior centers that may serve lunch. Consider joining a faith based community. I am an atheist but there are Unitarians and such I could quite come to love for companionship, a few games, and etc.

Meanwhile explore online the costs of ALF in Illinois (if that's one choice) and where you are (if that's another).

Consider taking in a boarder but BE CAREFUL and have them fully vetted with great recommendations; can be difficult to dislodge if a poor fit.

I would continue on this year until the anniversary of the loss of your dear hubby. I myself and and would be quite content alone. Am by nature a bit of a loner. Not everyone is. Get interested in something. Collage, sketching, photography, classes offered by your doctors group or hospital, Thai Chi great for balance. Write your memoirs. Take up PODCASTS. (Start with Hysterical and Noble!). Read a lot more. Branch out into the world a bit, keep the joints oiled with walks. Consider fostering. Kittens? a dog through a rescue? We at 82 and 84 are still fostering.

Good luck. My condolences on your loss. I am sure you speak with him often. Problem is that they won't answer us back when they go ahead of us.
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cwillie Aug 31, 2024
I'm pretty sure in this instance the OP is referring to Independent Living, not Illinois 😜.
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As you begin to adjust to living without your husband, pay attention to your own hobbies and interests, It has not been quite a year since your husband died; adjusting to your new reality is an ongoing process. You mention sewing. Are there any senior centers or churches in your area that have sewing groups or could help connect you to organizations that are looking for volunteers who can do sewing projects. That kind of activity could help you begin to connect with people.

You might decide to move to Independent or Assisted Living at some point, but don't make a move just b/c you are lonely. Independent apartments and Assisted Living do not guarantee friendships. Participate in activities that interest you and freindships may develop as a result. It does not work to make friend-finding the goal. There will be times you will feel lonely. Honor that and accept it but don't let it take over your life. Find things you enjoy doing, even a little bit at a time. The "enjoy" times will get longer and the lonely times will get shorter. You will always miss your husband and feel that loss, but you will earn to carry that loss with you as you go on about your life.

Hire the help you need for chores and home and yard maintenance at least for now. You might find occasional senior service or church volunteer help for minor jobs, but I have found that even the most well-meaning volunteers really are not up to the task and that it's better to hire professional help and get things done right.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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I'm 68 and too lost my husband in March of '23. I'm currently at Dad's caring for him until he decides to leave this world. When he's gone I plan to sell my big home and move into a tiny home community. This way there are still folks around so I don't feel all alone (which to tell the truth - I would love being alone!) But maybe that might be something you can look into as well. Tiny Home 399sq - 1 bd, 1bd no stairs, less space to clean up. Downsizing to a Tiny Home is my dream. I'm alone now and plan to stay that way. If interested - check out Mr. Tiny on Recreational Resort Cottages - You Tube channel. https://www.youtube.com/@RecreationalResortCottages My Best Wishes to You!
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farmkiti Aug 31, 2024
I did look into tiny homes; they're so cute and efficient! However, my passion is sewing, and I have LOTS of equipment and supplies connected with it. I reluctantly concluded that a tiny home wouldn't be big enough for me and all my stuff. Thanks for your reply!
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I agree with the "take is slowly" approach. Wait till after the first anniversary and definitely don't move before your knee surgeries are done. That way you have the "surgery support network" in place.
At 82/83 we are asking ourselves the same questions. Currently, I am quietly donation / chucking as best I can. Just look at one item at a time - you'd be surprised what you have not used in years - and probably won't, even if you stay in the house.
Get a house cleaner - please. I've had one for 10 years and she is a godsend.
Ditto a gardener. Mine comes when I ask so it's not a monthly commitment.
Get used to hiring for what you need done - need new faucet, buy what you like and get a local handyman to install it (or let him advise on the faucet) - that kind of thing. The expense is still less than rent elsewhere, assuming you have no mortgage.
Indeed, libraries and senior centers provide company and interest groups.
For any of the above, ask your neighbors and friends for referrals.
Good luck going forward. You are asking the "right" questions. Just do what feels right for you in the new year. We're right there with you. :)
Sonja
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Reply to ChoirNut
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A couple years after my wife of 47 years died, I joined a senior Meetup group.
It consisted of activities like breakfasts, lunches, occasional dinners, dances, going to plays, concerts and outdoor games like bocci, bowling and although I don't play a lot of the "senior" card games, we had a monthly poker game and potluck which was a ton of fun..
I highly recommend this as a place to have activities with friends your age and get out a bit.
meetup.com has groups nationwide.
You might check it out.
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Comanche4 Sep 7, 2024
My brother did this very thing after his second wife died. It completely changed him and his life.
We'd been very worried about him after his wife passed as he was somewhat introverted, quiet, with very few friends, no hobbies. His entire life 20 years previous had been caring for his spouse with autoimmune illnesses.
An old friend convinced him too check out her church, then introduced to meet group and the rest is history. He's in charge of the local Lions building, joined the membership, scheduled dinners and lunches all 5 days, attends soccer games of members grandkids and has been on 2 cruises with his new 80 year old girlfriend. His meet group also offer quiet spiritual support when needed. It's been over 2 years since I've encouraged him to sell his huge home and move into a 55 independent living community.
He just doesn't need to!!
I also agree with other advise to begin checking out various Living Independent communities to create a solid plan if you become more physically challenged.

Good luck.
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