My clients 90 and 95 years old daughter is so upsetting. She's manipulating her mom. Always putting negative things in her head about her brother. He seems normal and parents are relaxed around him. They are stressed around daughter. She argues with mom gets in yelling matches with her. Almost hit her once from what I've heard. She seems off to me almost narcissistic but I'm no therapist. They recently put me in an uncomfortable situation where I probably should have called my agency but didn't want to cause more problems. I feel the mom can't always care properly for the dad and kids can't help much with all their personal vendettas. It's a strain on mom caring for dad 24/7 but she won't admit defeat or accept more help. I don't know what to do but the family dynamics are awful in that house so there's no talking to them. Very lovely couple don't want to ruin their last years together but also can't get in trouble for not saying what I feel is wrong.
Any family dealing with caregiving has episodes of discomfort as they deal with the downward spiral of aging. These are two quite elderly people, one attempting care of the other.
What you CAN do is leave all of the above in your own diary (keep one daily as you caregive) and report to your agency as a nurse would, without hearsay or subjective labeling. Tell your agency that in this household:
"There is an elderly wife attempting care for her elderly husband; she is selfless, but too much seems to be required of her. The children seemed to be stressed and there is arguing and blame".
Then ask your agency what you should do about all this. They may have questions. If during questions you wish to say "Well, truth is that I have been told, and of course did not see this so cannot know, that a lot of argument goes on and that there have even been some physical threats when things get going".
It will be up to your agency then to investigate this; quite honestly with what you get paid it is above your pay grade and you could end up sitting in court, wrongfully accusing someone, and getting in a legal jam.
So what I am saying is STICK TO WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN and report it to your agency when we are speaking of a verbal family squabble. Leave your own assessment out of it.
However, and a big HOWEVER, as a caregiver entering the home you are a mandated reporter. If you every see physical abuse it is crucial for you to report it to Adult Protective Services if your Agency does not.
I am wishing you so much good luck. Families become very stressed. It is hard to assess familial interactions; sometimes they are what they have been for 4 decades.
Keep a diary as you care for people. No tear outs and no erasing. Keep it subjective--that is what you see and what you hear. You can also put in it what others told you, making sure to say you did not see it. Such things are invaluable if you are ever pulled into court on anything. Or even into your Agencies office. I am wishing you the best of luck. This is hard hard work.And you have to see a lot.
I say this because with sexual harassment in the workplace, you take your complaint to your immediate supervisor who then takes the complaint to Human resources. When this is done, the supervisor can be held accountable for not reporting the harassment.
However there have been several news reports over the last few years that people do not report for a variety of reasons/excuses. It is incredibly hard to be a whistleblower. I know I have done it and suffered job loss because of it. But I would do it again.
In my mind you owe a duty of care to your clients. If you witness the daughter yelling at or manipulating her parents, if you see the parents in distress, then you have at the least a moral obligation to report the abuse.