Since my father was diagnosed with dementia and is now put on hospice at home, my mom has been declining mentally. My sister does not know he is on hospice, but does know of his current health issues and has never even tried to visit or ask about him. 5 days ago, mom fell and broke her leg up near her hip. She had to have surgery to put rods in her leg and is still hospitalized. Yesterday, her mental status had declined dramatically when we went to visit.
Until recently, my mom regularly spoke with my older sister (who lives in another state). For reasons unknown, if there even was a reason, my sister didn't call my mom back for two weeks. A few days ago, she called and left a message on my mom's answering machine saying she just called to chat.
My problem is that every time I have asked my mom if she wants me to contact my sister (my sister and I are estranged) and tell her what's going on with her, my mom says no. I am a peacemaker by nature and I am worried that my sister will be angry at me for not telling her about my mom's health level, and/or not believe me that my mom said not to tell her. Should I respect my mom's wishes or tell my sister anyway? I just don't know what to do.
I don't have siblings so take my answer with a grain of salt... since your parents are both compromised cognitively, I would inform your sister of their health status (facts only, no opinions or any other comments) and allow her to decide what she does with that info. That being said, then don't have any expectations of what she does after she gets the info.
Are you PoA for either or both your parents?
And if you truly were a "peacemaker" you wouldn't be estranged from your sister right?
And on a side note, the fact that your mom had surgery, the anesthesia often will cause mental confusion in the elderly, which it sounds like what is now happening with your mom. It often gets better over several weeks, but sometimes it doesn't at all.
I hope in your moms case that it does get better.
So go call your sister and give her the updates on both parents.
My answer to you is that, if your mother is able to understand this question, you should honor her answer to you. I cannot honestly imagine being helpless at the end of my life and having my daughter (who knows and understands this) go over my head and against my wishes in some "movie storyboard magical thinking" to attempt some deathbed reconciliation.
So that's my personal opinion. And I am certain here you will get opposite answers from others. I am uncertain how that can help. So I'll leave you with the fact that you KNOW the people involved here; you are likely the best judge in this circumstance, and if you are wrong in your choice, oh well, you tried. You can only do what you believe in your heart is right.
However - should your mom continue to decline in mental acuity, what will be your game plan going forward?
I have spoken here in the past about my two sisters, one with whom I get along with very well, and one not so much. Part of the reason for the not so much is the lack of communication on her part - to the point of not answering my text messages or phone calls about our mom when mom got really sick.
I continued to call/text her, because I was NOT going to give her the "out" later on that no one told her how bad mom was, if only she had known she would have done (abc), etc. I could so see her saying things like that, especially at mom's funeral where she would have a captive and sympathetic audience.
You don't have to "talk" to her. A text message - or better yet, an e-mail where you can BCC yourself so you have a record of contacting her, as well as what you told her exactly - will work just as well.
I understand that you felt a need to tell her. I’m sure that you have your reasons for sending her an email.
As far as further communication with her, if you don’t want to speak with her, then don’t. She is free to call your mom herself.
Have you told your mom that you notified her of her situation? I think it’s only fair that you tell your mom what you told your sister. Hopefully, she won’t be upset about you telling her.
Best wishes to you and your family.