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Hi everyone,



So I don't really know where to start but basically the week we were supposed to move in together, my bf's mother fell into a coma.



He went to his parents' house to visit her everyday at the hospital and care for his dad and it's now been 10 months. He visited me once a few months ago and we talk regularly on the phone but this situation is too hard for me.



I had to fight for regular phone calls and to spend time with him in the morning before he has to go to the hospital. And I tried talking to him about seeing each other more often (at least once a month) and he says everything I want to hear but doesn't do anything about it. We live 3h30 away by train and 8h away by car (he usually drives even though the train would be easier) so it doesn't seem impossible.



His sister also came to live with them and she hasn't seen her husband and child since then.



Another issue is that I'm a teacher in France so I don't choose where I live. I would need 2 years minimum to join him but I can't organize anything since he doesn't know if he wants to move there or come back.



On the one hand I feel like he doesn't care enough about me and on the other I feel insensitive and selfish for asking of all that.



So I guess I needed your input since you might understand what he's going through.



(English isn't my first language so I'm sorry for any mistakes I may have made).

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Thank you for all of your answers. I decided to end the relationship and I think it's for the best even though it really hurts.
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AlvaDeer Jun 2023
Thank you for the update. I wish you a long life with much love!!!!!
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He is going thru what he chooses to go through. You are NOT his priority, his parents are, he could not make this any clearer to you. There are red flags waving in your face, don't ignore them.

Let him go, find someone else who wants to be with you, he is not the one, all you are doing is prolonging the agony.

Stop calling him, stop begging him for attention, this relationship will never work.

Personally, I would go no contact, just cut the cord, do not accept his calls. He is playing you.

Good Luck!
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I am a person who speaks honestly and plainly. Understand that what I'm about to say to you is said in the spirit of friendship and is honest.Right now your long distance boyfriend has a lot on his plate. It is not the time for you to start complaining about feeling neglected and not getting enough of his attention. There's only 24 hours in a day and right now your man doesn't have time to make you feel special.So go and see him without expectations. While you are there try to be helpful. Run errands. Cook meals. Help with the housework and caregiving for the father if you can.If you love him and he loves you making this effort will not go unnoticed. Or you could take a step back and part on good terms with your boyfriend but leave the door open for potentially getting back with him at some point.
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This is not a relationship, sweetheart. This is a texting friendship. Tell him that if he's interested, he can contact you once his mother's health problems are resolved, but until then, you think it's best to end things.
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TeethGrinder65 Jun 2023
Because you're wasting all this time hoping things are going to be different someday. Don't put your life on hold.
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Caring isn't enough. Love isn't enough. We are forced in life to make very hard choices as AN INDIVIDUAL.

Your BF has been forced to make a choice. A very hard one. He has made that choice. CLEARLY he has MADE THAT CHOICE for himself. It has nothing to do with you, nor with love. It is a hard choice he was given and has HAD TO MAKE, and he has made it.

Now it is your turn for a very hard choice. If love is not enough NOW, let me promise you that when you MARRY and his choice is still his parents, when you have children and his choice is still his parents, then it will be WORSE THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE. You will have so much resentment that your love will turn to its opposite. You will have wasted so much time and energy. It may well DEVASTATE you physically and emotionally.

This is your time for choice. Love is not enough. You can continue to love, befriend, help, support your loved BF, but I would not marry him; I would break off the engagement and I would seek another life choice. I would suggest the same to him. His choice now should be a caregiver. Someone who, like him, believes in sacrificing her entire life to parents.

I am so sorry this sounds so hard, but I am 81. You can imagine that there has been LOVE. But love isn't the answer ultimately. It only is a complication. Mutual agreement on important issues is the answer.

I think if you move into marriage without AT THE LEAST a very good pre marital counseling, you are headed for absolute doom. I am so very sorry.
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BurntCaregiver Jun 2023
I disagree, Alva. The boyfriend had to make hard choices because his parents need help. That does not mean that he will take full responsibility for his parents for the rest of his life.
Sometimes here has to be sacrifices made for love.
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Boyfriend has strongly shown you where his priorities are, and unfortunately for you, he doesn’t value your relationship. He and his sister have been trained to completely drop their lives for their parent’s needs and this is very unlikely to ever change. You’re seeing the time and effort you’ve invested but that’s no reason not to change course and get out of a dead end relationship. You can do better and I wish you the best
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One thing that sounds odd or maybe it is just me...
If mom is still in the hospital why does he go to her daily?
Does his dad actually need a caregiver or is he there supporting him emotionally?
And I have to ask what is the actual prognosis for his mom?
Is there talk about moving her to Long Term Care in either Skilled Nursing facility or Rehab? Or is the talk more "comfort focused" and leaning to getting Hospice in?

Your boyfriend is focused on his parents. That is where his priorities are at this time. Do not expect this to change. There is a very good possibility that when mom dies he will be just as focused on his dad.
Personally I think it is selfish of his father to expect his children to "give up" their lives to focus on him.

I think you need to ask him point blank what his long range plans are and you need to present him with the "what if's" that can happen.
do not place your life on hold for something that may never happen.

(Your English is perfect..you did much better than I would writing this in French!)
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Silyun Jun 2023
I think he feels guilty if he doesn't go since she could pass away at any time. Now they have been given the choice to either keep her at home with them or move her to another facility but their dad still hasn't made a decision and he's not in the psychological state to make it since he's been depressed.

Thank you so much for your advice!
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Your English is very good. I don't feel this man can give you the time you need. He must be older if his parents are at the age for these kind of health problems. His sister should not leave her family to care for them either. If they need that kind of care they need to be in a facility.

Take it from someone who was young once and has been there. A man that is interested in you will make sure he sees you. He will want to be with you all the time. Please stop begging for his attention. All it does is stroke his ego. Long distant romances are hard without throwing in parents you need to care for. At 25 you could be doing so much more than waiting for the phone to ring. I agree, its time to break it off. Tell him you need more than he can give at this time. Don't call him, let him call to find out why u haven't called him. Your not being selfish, you have a right to want more from this relationship. It is what it is.

We as women deserve a man whose world revolves around us. That did not happen in my first marriage but it did in my second. Married 42 years and my needs are still important to him.
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I honestly think in your gut you knew the answer to this and wanted reassurance that what you were planning was "right" (there is no "right or "wrong" just what is best for you)
Thank you for the update.
And if things work out in the long run..let us know I at least like to live vicariously through others. 🤣
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Your English is terrific.

As hard as it is, I would let him go. It’s a lot on him with his family and you deserve more than crumbs. It’s just an unfortunate situation.

This is my opinion which is worth nothing
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