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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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I don’t want to challenge or upset her and I never know when she thinks/knows I am her son or just the guy taking care of her and who’s home she’s living in. Thanks!
This is quite common. It happened with my mother, but I think sometimes she still recognizes me as someone she cares about. I visit her when I can (more difficult during the pandemic) to make sure she is being cared for, and also for myself. I still see flashes of her personality sometimes. I had to learn not to take it personally that she doesn't recognize me. Once she asked me to leave as soon as I went into her room. I went out of the room for about 15 minutes and when I returned, it was OK.
iF INSISTING ON CALLING HER MOM UPSETS HER THEN FIND WHATEVER ALTERNATIVE SHE PREFERS. THE QUEST IS TO MAKE THEM FEEL AS CALM AND SETTLED AS POSSIBLE. THE INABILITY TO REMEMBER THE EXACT NATURE OF THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT A CHOICE BUT PART OF THE CONDITION. MY HUSBAND DID NOT KNOW MUCH OF THE TIME I WAS HIS WIFE I FOUND IT DISTRESSING AND INITIALLY TRIED TO MAKE SURE HE KNEW THAT I WAS . UNTIL I REALIZED THAT IT WAS BETTER TO HAVE HIM FEEL THAT THIS WOMAN TAKING CARE OF HIM MADE SURE HE WAS COMFORTABLE AND AT PEACE THAN CREATING TENSION BY TRYING TO MAKE SURE HE KNEW EXACTLY WHO I WAS. A CERTAIN PICTURE WE HAD TAKEN TOGETHER HELPED ALOT SO I HUNG IT BY THE BED WHICH WAS BETTER THAN TELLING HIM REPEATEDLY AND CREATING TENSION. IT GOT WORSE WHEN HE DECIDED I WAS HIS SISTER AND CALLED ME BY HER NAME CONSTANTLY - ( SHE AND I DID NOT CARE MUCH FOR ONE ANOTHER) BUT EVEN THEN I LEARNED TO KEEP MY FEELINGS IN CHECK SINCE HE COULD NOT HELP NOT KNOWING WHO I WAS. AT LEAST I HOPE HE FELT I WAS A KIND PERSON WHO CONCERNED THEMSELVES WITH HIS COMFORT. Of course I wish he could have realized that it was me taking care of him and that he was at home but no one asked me or gave either of us a choice when his disease progressed we just had to learn to live with it. He did have a couple of lucid afternoons and the day he died he knew it was me for a couple hours and told me how much he loved me. I cannot imagine not knowing where you are where your wife is and why is some stranger taking care of you. It is heartbreaking.
As some have mentioned, best to follow her lead. When my dad was still alive, it confused mom for me to call him dad. She thought I was referring to her dad. So I began calling him Bob, the name she knew him as, and that seemed comforting to her. It felt disrespectful at first, but I got used to it. Alzheimer's changes everything, except our love for our parents. She raised a good son and she is blessed to have you.
As my2cents said, if you can call her that and it doesn't bother her, continue. If it does bother her, I like my2cents explanation - something along the lines of you remind me of my mother, you're like a mother to me, etc. If that works, go with it.
IF, on the other hand, it seems to bother her, then ask her what she would prefer to be called and go with that! You can always, in your mind or under your breath, still call her mom! You know the difference!
I'd also back up sjplegacy's concern about the wandering attempts. If not a keyed lock, then a sliding bolt lock, up too high for her to reach, could help keep the door locked. But, as he noted, sometimes they can really get their mind set on something and find another way out, like the windows (or breaking a slider.) During certain deeper sleep stages, you might not hear her get up and roam - perhaps having some kind of alarm or motion sensor at her BR door, that can trigger when she leaves her room might help?
Just try it both ways. If she gets concerned about someone calling her mom, just say I call you that because I've loved you like a mom for a long time. Save your strength on trying to explain to her if she doesn't happen to recognize you. It's frustrating to her (because she really can't remember) and frustrating to you because you can't explain or argue a broken brain back to what is real.
Have you been calling her mom? If so, does that upset her? If she's OK with it there's no reason to stop. If it does upset her, just use your and her first name and not the relationship.
What concerns me more is that you stated in your profile that she leaves the house in the middle of the night. That is a significant problem. Purchase some kind of deterrent to getting out. You might try to place a large rug in front of the doors. Some dementia patients recognize this as a hole and won't step over it. You could replace the door locks with double keyed locks that require a key to open from the inside. As for me, nothing prevented my wife from leaving the house including going out the window! That's when I started looking for a care facility for her.
I believe you should still call her mom, regardless of who she thinks you are at this point. I wouldn't argue the point with her though, and make her upset, but she is, and always will be your mom. Bless you for taking good care of her.
Of course call her Mom. If she says "What do you mean Mom? I don't have a son" you can go from there. Gently explain that her memory is a little tricky now (but will get better.....or whatever platitudes and white lies might help. If she doesn't want to be called Mom ask her what she would like to be called. Near the end of her years, My Mom and I became close friends, as well as mother and daughter. We saw one another as human beings, not only as persons with a certain role. I called her "Francie" a nickname she had from my Dad that was affectionate, and would say I called her both by that name, and by "Mom". She loved it. It depends upon your MOM, then.Call her what makes her happiest.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I FOUND IT DISTRESSING AND INITIALLY TRIED TO MAKE SURE HE KNEW THAT I WAS . UNTIL I REALIZED THAT IT WAS BETTER TO HAVE HIM FEEL THAT THIS WOMAN TAKING CARE OF HIM MADE SURE HE WAS COMFORTABLE AND AT PEACE THAN CREATING TENSION BY TRYING TO MAKE SURE HE KNEW EXACTLY WHO I WAS. A CERTAIN PICTURE WE HAD TAKEN TOGETHER HELPED ALOT SO I HUNG IT BY THE BED WHICH WAS BETTER THAN TELLING HIM REPEATEDLY AND CREATING TENSION.
IT GOT WORSE WHEN HE DECIDED I WAS HIS SISTER AND CALLED ME BY HER NAME CONSTANTLY - ( SHE AND I DID NOT CARE MUCH FOR ONE ANOTHER) BUT EVEN THEN I LEARNED TO KEEP MY FEELINGS IN CHECK SINCE HE COULD NOT HELP NOT KNOWING WHO I WAS. AT LEAST I HOPE HE FELT I WAS A KIND PERSON WHO CONCERNED THEMSELVES WITH HIS COMFORT.
Of course I wish he could have realized that it was me taking care of him and that he was at home but no one asked me or gave either of us a choice when his disease progressed we just had to learn to live with it.
He did have a couple of lucid afternoons and the day he died he knew it was me for a couple hours and told me how much he loved me.
I cannot imagine not knowing where you are where your wife is and why is some stranger taking care of you. It is heartbreaking.
IF, on the other hand, it seems to bother her, then ask her what she would prefer to be called and go with that! You can always, in your mind or under your breath, still call her mom! You know the difference!
I'd also back up sjplegacy's concern about the wandering attempts. If not a keyed lock, then a sliding bolt lock, up too high for her to reach, could help keep the door locked. But, as he noted, sometimes they can really get their mind set on something and find another way out, like the windows (or breaking a slider.) During certain deeper sleep stages, you might not hear her get up and roam - perhaps having some kind of alarm or motion sensor at her BR door, that can trigger when she leaves her room might help?
Bless you for taking on this difficult role!
What concerns me more is that you stated in your profile that she leaves the house in the middle of the night. That is a significant problem. Purchase some kind of deterrent to getting out. You might try to place a large rug in front of the doors. Some dementia patients recognize this as a hole and won't step over it. You could replace the door locks with double keyed locks that require a key to open from the inside. As for me, nothing prevented my wife from leaving the house including going out the window! That's when I started looking for a care facility for her.