My husband and I moved to TN and left my mom behind in IL with my sister (who lives close to her). She takes care of her groceries, etc. My sister and her husband plan to move to TN in less than 2 years. So, my mom can’t stay there. We need to move her to TN. She has dementia but not bad. She can still live on her own. Is it a mistake to move her into an apartment in TN at 84 with worsening dimentia? She can live with us if needed, but we had her for 10 days and it was awful. My sister thinks it’s a mistake to move her, but she also can’t stay in IL forever especially since sister is also going to be moving in 2 years. She cannot afford assisted living and would not do well in a NH (nor dpes she want to go to one). Help!
If it's her own home she can sell it and use the funds for AL.
How do you know she can't afford AL in TN? I'm hoping you've actually researched prices before making this assumption.
Some states have group homes for elders that are more affordable. Or, if you can keep her where she's at right now and hire private or agency caregivers, that may be more affordable for the time being.
No one should be paying for it but her, since that would be unsustainable and unwise. Many people are in this same pickle with one or both parents. You can contact your local Area Agency on Aging for information and resources. Sometimes states will have a website that lists all facilities (with search filters) that will give good info and website addresses, but not pricing. I just did this for an LO in FL. You should also talk to a Medicaid Planner for TN since it is likely she will need this at some point and rules need to be followed so she doesn't become delayed or disqualified for it.
And of course your moms dementia(if she's still alive)will be much worse by then as well, and she'll more than likely not be able to live by herself and will have to be placed in a memory care facility.
So you're putting the cart before the horse here. Why don't you just wait and see what the next 2 years will bring, and address things then?
I see no logical reason in worrying about something that may never happen or need to be addressed.
Maybe it’s you who wouldn’t do well, because you’d feel guilty?
If you need to move her the best move would be to a Memory Care facility. I am a firm believer that someone with dementia should not be in AL unless it is a locked facility or there are alarms that would alert staff if she decided to leave. (and the alarm can not be removed and left on the night stand, in the bathroom...)
You can look for smaller "home like" facilities rather than large MC facilities.
Would she qualify for Medicaid after she spends down any assets? Many MC facilities will take Medicaid particularly if the resident has been "private pay" for a few years.
With a diagnosis of dementia at some point she looses the ability to have a say in where she can live, the care that she gets. To allow someone with dementia to have a say in where they can live would be akin to letting a child say where they want to live. She can not fully accept the safety aspect of living alone.
You say your mom was with you for 10 days and it was awful...imagine what 2, 3, 8 years would be like. Unless you are building a house or find one with an in-law suite and mom can pay for caregivers taking care of her will not get easier it will get more difficult. And IF you do have mom move in if the house is not a Ranch it should have a large bedroom on the first floor with an ADA accessible bathroom off the bedroom.