My mom has many health problems and very bad balance. She had a serious fall 2 years ago and now uses a walker all the time. She lives with me and my husband and provided assisted living for her. She acts very entitled, and it's like walking on egg shells constantly. Her mind is good, but she's always been a very emotional person. We include her in almost everything and our family is very close. My husband and I are taking our two sons to Hawaii (that was their choice destination) at the end of January for their doctorate graduation presents. However, there is no possible way my mom can make a 10 hour flight, and we've explained this to her in the past that she cannot fly. She loves Hawaii and has expressed she would love to go back. My question is, do we tell her we are going to Hawaii or tell her we are going somewhere else to save from the emotional outburst she will take? I'm losing sleep over this one. (I've arranged for my friend to stay at our house to help her out during our trip.)
If she's prone to emotional outbursts, it's not too far-fetched that she'll start "feeling sick" right before you're scheduled to leave.
And stop feeling guilty. You do a lot for your mom. You matter too, don't forget that.
And congrats to your kids!
Also, you really shouldn't need to walk on eggshells in your own home. It's not healthy for yourself or your marriage. Enjoy the trip to the max (yay, what an awesome gift, btw!), and then consider doing a reset when you get back in which you take your own needs into consideration more and are more assertive and direct (in a kind and tactful way) about your own needs when your mother acts too entitled. BUT, don't let dwelling over that overshadow the fun on your trip! You, your husband, and your children have earned this wonderful trip.
You can then tell her that you promise to take her somewhere she'll enjoy and won't be so hard on her health at a later date. If none of this helps to tamp down the drama, then you get up and walk away, telling her you will discuss the trip for her when she's able to talk about it calmly. That's as much as you can do. Just keep walking away when she winds up. This is called "extinguishing" a behavior. Refuse to be pulled into a guilt trip.
I hope you have an enjoyable trip!
I grew up with a very "over emotional" mother and wound up being the parent to HER and walking on eggshells my whole life to avoid upsetting her! She needed a good psychiatrist and good meds her whole life but didn't get them until she was 88. And I said "I will do nothing for you again until and unless you take these antidepressants." So she did and calmed down significantly. And she STILL lived in Assisted Living where she paid others to put up with her particular brand of nonsense.
Yes, tell mom where you're going and do not apologize for it! You did not make her old or unable to travel or so sensitive she expects special treatment from everyone.
Have a great time the 4 of you and shut your phone off! Or I'll betcha $20 mom will have some invented emergency to keep you anxiety ridden the majority of the time. Congratulations to your dear sons too. Getting their doctorates is a cause to celebrate w/o interruption.
She is in no condition to make this trip and this trip is about your BOYS and about YOU.
This is their reward and yours as well.
It cannot be ruined with taking up all the time in caregiving.
It is time to tell the truth. It is time not to be bullied. You are, and need to be STAMPING those eggshells now, imho.
By the way, of COURSE she loves Hawaii. I love ITALY. Does that mean my daughter and son in law have to take my 82 year old bones along like some mummified Saint. It is a selfish thing she is thinking if she thinks to intrude on this trip of yours. If she tries to then this 82 y/o is wagging her finger and saying "shame".