My mom has many health problems and very bad balance. She had a serious fall 2 years ago and now uses a walker all the time. She lives with me and my husband and provided assisted living for her. She acts very entitled, and it's like walking on egg shells constantly. Her mind is good, but she's always been a very emotional person. We include her in almost everything and our family is very close. My husband and I are taking our two sons to Hawaii (that was their choice destination) at the end of January for their doctorate graduation presents. However, there is no possible way my mom can make a 10 hour flight, and we've explained this to her in the past that she cannot fly. She loves Hawaii and has expressed she would love to go back. My question is, do we tell her we are going to Hawaii or tell her we are going somewhere else to save from the emotional outburst she will take? I'm losing sleep over this one. (I've arranged for my friend to stay at our house to help her out during our trip.)
She is in no condition to make this trip and this trip is about your BOYS and about YOU.
This is their reward and yours as well.
It cannot be ruined with taking up all the time in caregiving.
It is time to tell the truth. It is time not to be bullied. You are, and need to be STAMPING those eggshells now, imho.
By the way, of COURSE she loves Hawaii. I love ITALY. Does that mean my daughter and son in law have to take my 82 year old bones along like some mummified Saint. It is a selfish thing she is thinking if she thinks to intrude on this trip of yours. If she tries to then this 82 y/o is wagging her finger and saying "shame".
I grew up with a very "over emotional" mother and wound up being the parent to HER and walking on eggshells my whole life to avoid upsetting her! She needed a good psychiatrist and good meds her whole life but didn't get them until she was 88. And I said "I will do nothing for you again until and unless you take these antidepressants." So she did and calmed down significantly. And she STILL lived in Assisted Living where she paid others to put up with her particular brand of nonsense.
Yes, tell mom where you're going and do not apologize for it! You did not make her old or unable to travel or so sensitive she expects special treatment from everyone.
Have a great time the 4 of you and shut your phone off! Or I'll betcha $20 mom will have some invented emergency to keep you anxiety ridden the majority of the time. Congratulations to your dear sons too. Getting their doctorates is a cause to celebrate w/o interruption.
You can then tell her that you promise to take her somewhere she'll enjoy and won't be so hard on her health at a later date. If none of this helps to tamp down the drama, then you get up and walk away, telling her you will discuss the trip for her when she's able to talk about it calmly. That's as much as you can do. Just keep walking away when she winds up. This is called "extinguishing" a behavior. Refuse to be pulled into a guilt trip.
I hope you have an enjoyable trip!
Also, you really shouldn't need to walk on eggshells in your own home. It's not healthy for yourself or your marriage. Enjoy the trip to the max (yay, what an awesome gift, btw!), and then consider doing a reset when you get back in which you take your own needs into consideration more and are more assertive and direct (in a kind and tactful way) about your own needs when your mother acts too entitled. BUT, don't let dwelling over that overshadow the fun on your trip! You, your husband, and your children have earned this wonderful trip.
And stop feeling guilty. You do a lot for your mom. You matter too, don't forget that.
And congrats to your kids!
If she's prone to emotional outbursts, it's not too far-fetched that she'll start "feeling sick" right before you're scheduled to leave.
Mom isn’t getting her doctorate , nor is she able to travel that far . It’s not your fault she got old . Don’t let her make it your problem .
My FIL tried this nonsense too . Wanted us to take him on an Alaskan cruise after his wife died because she never wanted to go to Alaska . Not my problem , he should have went without her years ago . I wasn’t taking an 88 year old with dementia , a walker , a wheelchair , a case of Depends on a cruise that I didn’t want to go on . He tried to guilt trip us but we don’t owe them vacations . He also had been on probably two dozen cruises already .
id be inclined to go duu I wn the no drama route as you say your mothers very sensitive
id say somewhere else as long as you’re sure no one will let the cat out of the bag
maybe later down the line you could admit if needed you didn’t want her to be upset because her health can’t manage the extensive flight
This is a white lie, like, “Does this dress make me look fat?” You all need and deserve to have a little break from caretaking, and why hurt her feelings? I am sure if she were able to go, you guys would take her, but this just reminds her of all she can no longer do. It would be depressing to anyone. Often people on this site act like who cares about them. I understand all of the lifetime of love you have shared, and the desire to do right by your parent.
I suggest you all go and have a GREAT TIME!!! I would tell her you wish she could go, but you will be hiking, biking, white water rafting, zip lining, etc…. Something she simply would not want to do and could not. I would pick a very boring location, not Hawaii. That is just me. Try hard not to worry about her, because the vacation will pass quickly, and you will be right back to life as normal. I think you would feel better if you could try to schedule some fun for her while you are gone. Maybe she could have a manicure and pedicure one day, movies to watch, books or puzzles to do, have some of her favorite meals Door Dashed, ect… If she is being pampered while your gone, you won’t feel as guilty leaving her, and she will be having to much fun to feel sad.
Best of luck to your family!!! Our family took care of my beloved father, while our sons were in college too. He passed away, and we miss him soooooo much.
Have a plan ready for her too.
I assume she shouldn't live alone.
Arrange for another family member
or one of her friends to stay with her.