Sis feels, Mom is in her house so, she will rule. No fighting in front of Mom. She is 93, & we all protect and love her, but of course she is 93 and smarter than the three of us. There are never raised voices but even Mom is afraid to upset my sister. She is very good to my Mom, but can be a bit of a bully. I want to confront and challenge my sis but my bro is like a lot of guys, just don't talk about it. I don't know if I even am making sense, but think I can offer some enjoyment in mom's life, just from my personality. I have always been her kid that made her laugh and I want to do that until she is 103. Wish I could say these things to her. This like a terrible burden only she can handle when in fact my bro & I help.
I think I understand what you're getting at, perhaps - that your mother feels uncomfortable in your sister's household, not in specifics but in being constantly supervised and "got at"? But you're going to have your work cut out doing much about it, especially if your mother isn't able or in any case willing to speak up.
My mother probably felt the same about me, I'm sorry to say. I found her very frustrating at times and I'm not good at holding my tongue, even if it doesn't get me anywhere. But you know what? You have to take the rough with the smooth. Your sister may not be the cuddliest of the three of you siblings, but she's the one who's stepped up and taken your mother in, and it would stand to reason if she's also the slightly stern, practical one who isn't a barrel of laughs to be around.
Would it be a fair summary to say you'd like to get your sister to lighten up? It's a nice idea that puts a rueful smile on my face. Easier said than done, lightening up under that weight of responsibility, you know.
How do you get on with your sister in general terms, besides your differences of perspective in relation to your mother? Is there anything practical you can do to help her? Who else is living in the house besides your sister and your mother - does your sister also have a family to take care of?
PS - brothers… Don't start me.
I would suggest that if your mother is "well off", she and your siblings would be well served by having her live in an Assisted Living facility.
Or perhaps, offer to come and live in for a week while your sister takes a vacation. Perhaps Mom will prefer you as her caregiver and move in with you.
Your sister has taken on the heavy burden of care-taking your mom. People wear that mantel differently. Your sister wears it by being bossy, I guess. Unless you have your 93-year-old mom living with you? You can't even IMAGINE what your sister does. And, I'm guessing she's no spring chicken herself.
Assuming your sister takes good care of mom, she wears angel wings. If the situation were different, those angel wings would be YOURS. You sound like you're a loving, caring daughter who wants to contribute more to mom's enjoyment. Talk to sis about it. But take "confront" out of your vocabulary. ;)