I have set very clear boundaries regarding spending time alone with my mother, who has Alzheimers. I will not spend time alone with her because she chronically complains about being "b*tched out" but won't say by whom. It inevidently boils to down to me; she lies to my sisters about things regarding conversations we've had, and even tells them that I'm difficult to deal with. I was the primary person taking care of my father for a year before his death in June. My sisters did help some, but I took so much time off from work, that my income loss is into the 10's of thousands. I have tried to help with my mother, but it's impossible for me spend time alone with her without my become physically ill after her complaining. This is why I have had to set this boundary. HOWEVER, the oldest sister continues to ask me to take her to appointments, has demanded and tried to order me to go to my mother's house to check on her twice a week. I clearly said no, I cannot do that. The disrespect for my answer was followed by text messages after 11:00pm stating that I MUST take care of my mother, and that there will be "consequences for my decisions". This harassment makes me physically sick to my stomach, results in a major headache to the point where I cannot sleep. I ask myself what I can do to better my situation, but I have yet to come up with an answer. I have offered support in every other way, which has included driving significant distances to hand deliver important and time-sensitive documents, obtaining signatures for those docs, and contributing to large decisions regarding my mother's future care. It's not as if I have completely turned my back on my mother and sisters. But now I really want to. The disrespctful demands and being ordered to take part in a level of care that I have stated I cannot have me ready to turn completely away from my mother and sisters. Are there any suggestions out there that might stop the harassment and threats without going to the extreme and filing a civil 'no contact" order?
I might discuss my distress with the sisters and see if a compromise might be worked out. What if you did things like picked up groceries, ran errands and even contributed financially, instead of providing hands on care? Or what if you took a person with you when checking on your mom? Having a witness there might help.
ALSO, with this amount of dementia, I'd be quite wary of leaving mom alone. Except in the early stages, just checking on her twice a week would be concerning to me.
Also not new are the sisters and mother's criticism. As a young teen(15 years old), they allowed me to overhear a kitchen table discussion about how irresponsible I was, how much a degenerate I was, and ripped down my dreams of being a good Mom one day, laughing and scoffing at my ideas for my future. Mom was just a big a part of this party as my sisters, so her emotional abuse is nothing new...she didn't have dementia 35 years ago!
To sunnygirl1; I have discussed my position on several occasions and made compromises it, each one ending in headache and physical illness.
You are right, she should not be left alone. Yet the sister with POA, the unreasonably demanding one insists on moving her into assisted living instead of a memory care facility, because memory care is more expensive that IL. I see clearly that IL will be a huge fail, and I don't want it reflected on me that I ever approved of this placement. I will let POA sister hold that ball of wax, since she has not taken into consideration my view.
I have done quite a few significant things to help Mom, like purchase a phone with hearing help (voice to text), she complained relentlessly and will not use it. I purchased new cordless phones with amplification, she complains. I got her a new hearing aid, she likes the old one better, even though it didn't work.
I drive her to appointments.... she says "Oh this is H*LL!" to which I finally retorted How much h*ll can this be for you when we are all doing EVERYTHING for you? SMH...She has always had everything done for her, and it's never good enough. She needs to have someone to fight with, and complain about, and I decided that it WILL NOT BE ME, ever again!
But I agree with Sunnygirl. A person with dementia cannot safely live alone past the very early stages. If your mother lives alone, you and your sisters, or the POA and healthcare proxy, need to resolve that problem. She needs more than checking on!
That your mother's dementia behaviors and your sister's "disrespect" have you physically ill makes me think that you could benefit from some counseling.
Meanwhile, just say No.
I have thought of getting counseling for the damage done to me as a youngster. I have made positive strides in repairing my self-esteem. And of course, the less contact I have with my family, the stronger I remain. That only makes sense, right? Why would I knowingly put myself in the middle of a path of destruction?
I have reiterated "NO". There should be no need for me to have to repeat it from this point.
Assisted living may be fine - they will tell you if they cannot manage her medical needs. They typically provide a great deal or supervision, much more so than an independent living facility. You can offer to help look for the right place. But repeat - I will NOT be left alone with my mom, ever.
This morning the text read "Satan is having his way with you...."
I did not respond, nor will I.
Mom is headed to Independent Living next month. POA sister began vulturing through the belongings at my parent's house with her offspring even before my Dad had passed. Quite frankly, there's nothing there that I want.
I wanted to having a working team relationship with my sisters, but through my father's illness and dying process I realized the loftiness of my expectation.
I was glad to have the chance to do good work to help my father, and value the last year of his life...value that I had that very important time with him. I would do it all over again in a heart-beat, but I'd leave my mother out of the picture more ( she really was a burden, she was unkind to him and essentially she was just along for the ride).
Seeing as a first-hand observer, and the youngest of 3 girls, I was afforded the view of seeing many a man visit the house as a pre-schooler. My mother relentlessly complained about my father ( he was an abusive person to her and to the three of us). She would spend hours and hours on the phone with my aunts complaining about my father.
By the time I was an adult, married with children, she'd do the same with me, complain about my father.
I told her I was tired of hearing it, and she needed to find a solution. It didn't happen... she continued complaining...then we eventually talked less, then seldom... then hardly at all. There's only so much we can attribute to Alzheimer's. Had she taken control of her life at any point, I would have alot more respect for her declining mental health.
Yes, my position is "Let the other two sisters take care of Mom. I took care of Dad. Now you can give up a little something out of your lives for Mom.