I don't know if this is a statement or a question.
I am sick, sick, SICK of Caring for my 71 year old mother. I've reached out for help, I've begged community organizations and tried to get her Medicaid.. nothing because she has a vehicle and life insurance (none of which I will receive when she dies) it all goes to my sister! So diagnosis -Mom had metastatic lung cancer that went to her brain, a following craniotomy, arterial disease x6, COPD, vasogenic edema from a stroke in June 2022 and currently, stasis ulcers on the foot and pressure sore on her heel from laying all the time (by choice, she is incredibly lazy) even her physical therapist gave up- he said can't and won't are 2 different issues. Now, she has hospice- 2x per week for 15 minutes and a very sweet Aide who comes 3x a week for 15-20 minutes for bath time. That's it... IT I dress ulcers, clean up accidents she's hidden, pick up trash off her floor etc. I tried for respite and finally got it last weekend, I was SO excited!! Then my mother decided to make my respite time a living hell, calling me at 3am and 4am whining about how miserable she was. I stopped answering so she started calling anyone who would listen to tell them she had been abandoned! It was literally the 1st respite I have had in 7 years! She proceeded to tell me a pack of lies about not getting her medications- when I said "no I'm not coming to pick you up"! She called me nasty names then hung up on me. She was angry that nurses were controlling her meds and wouldn't give her what she demanded (she wanted 2 Ativan and 2 tramadol) her Rx is only for 1 of each every 6 hours. Anyway, I went to pick her up this morning after the hell she's raised for 3 days and, of course, she falls coming up the stairs into the house! She weighs about 70 pounds more than my 106 pound frame, so getting her up was not going to be easy. I tried, she almost pulled me on top of her so I told her just to crawl into the dang house. And she did- the fall itself almost looked staged, she went down easy, crumbling onto her knees howling like a wounded animal the whole- slow- way. I should probably tell you that Friday she told everyone she had a *seizue* claiming she cried and cried for help; but alas, in the middle of her terrible fit, she had to put oxygen on herself and take her own medicine! (Personally, I don't believe her) I think it was a last ditch effort to guilt me into keeping her home and not taking time for my child.
I find my mother, as I have my entire life, to be a selfish, self serving large child who was always pampered and now, she thinks *somehow* that it is the job of the child she didn't want (me) to make her better and to be her emotional dumpling ground. I'm sick to death of her! I contacted the hospice social worker and plainly stated, she doesn't need to be in my house, she needs a facility PERMANENTLY! I received no additional response from the hospice social worker.
I have family; however, they are very undependable a 42 year old sister who is as self centered as my mom and an aunt (mom's sister) who is in worse shape than she is, yet, when I have to do anything for myself, I'm expected to call these people and tell them what is going on. (Which ALWAYS spawns an unsolicited opinion with a side of guilt) I call to tell them because I don't want my mother making me sound like an evil person (she plays the pity card well, and often).
Again, I don't know if I'm just in burnout mode and I'm ranting or if there is a question in here somewhere. I DO know if I hear the words "you need to take a break" one more time, I'm going to puke! It is impossible- like she thinks I'm not entitled to an ounce of privacy, family time with my OWN husband and daughter or what. I am just ready to see the glorious light at the end of the tunnel, but right now, I feel alone, Isolated and VERY unheard!
You can not count on a facility to prevent parents or other family you care for from calling you even when on respite. There is never an easy way to say this but you will need to make peace with what you can and can not do for your own mental health. It is the job of parents to prepare for their own healthcare and to set aside the funds for their children not the other way around. If you can not take it anymore the next thing that happens will cause you to snap and that’s never a good scenario. You need to schedule a meeting with your family and tell them you are not available to care for her and you vote for her to lose her assets to the state and enter that care system. If they don’t want that then they need to take over her care. That’s my best advice. It’s, sadly, like a bandaid- if you rip it off quick it’s going to hurt less. This kind of stuff only rents space in our heads because we allow it too. You deserve to take back control. No one who really understands would ever pass judgement.
ER dump if you can find a reason . Then get into hospice from there .
DO NOT pick her up and hurt yourself when she falls, call 911 . That is Mom’s ticket to the ER . Then do not take her out or home . Tell them you can’t take care of her anymore . Get her placed.
If your mother's "lifetime rights" mean she has a "lifetime estate," this is what LegalZoom says about lifetime estates: "The life tenant must maintain the property, make any existing mortgage payments, pay property taxes, and keep the property adequately insured. "
My MIL has a lifetime estate in one of her two properties, which is owned by her 5 children with right of survivorship (don't even get me started about the problems with right of survivorship). My MIL pays all the taxes and I assume insurance. She pays for maintenance if she absolutely has to, but tries to get her children who live in the area to do as much of it as she can get them to do. She has whined about having to pay property taxes on two places, and doesn't "know what she will do." The obvious answer is to SELL the other property. But supposedly she's left that to her D who never married.
She came into an unexpected inheritance some years back, and she managed to spend a lot of that on travel. (She traveled to the Arctic AND Anarctica on expeditions, and other places as well.)
If you live there, move out. If you don’t live there, block her number on your phone. Block the numbers of the people who will phone you to complain – they can always write you a letter if they really think they need to, and letters are usually shorter and more polite. Give your mother a list of the ways she can get hands-on help from an agency, and send copies of the list to the other family members if they write to you.
Set her up with some food, then call APS after a week or two. Stopping this won’t take long, if you think about your own rights.
You need her out of the house. For your sanity and safety.
Talk to the Social Worker at Hospice, the Nurse as well. Tell them that you can no longer care for your mother. It is unsafe for you to continue to do so. Ask them to help find placement for her. Many facilities that "don't have a bed" will find one for a hospice patient because they know it will not be a resident they will have for years. (typically that is the case)
Anyway, I proceeded to tell her it's important the bandages remain intact due to her risk of infection!
I proceeded to RE apply the bandage and she says to me "you would be one shitty nurse"
I stopped what I was doing and called the hospice people. I told them they needed to come wrap this thing ASAP. She interrupted me- well I wasn't trying to piss you off!
Why else would someone say something like that? A person that's treated like a servant. I'm truly doing my level best! I can't win with her!
The OP describes her mother as being selfish and pampered her whole life. She goes on to say that her mother never wanted her and uses her as an emotional dumping ground.
When someone has an abusive history with a parent or LO and they then become their caregiver, there is often a whole lot of regret to go around.
You have no obligation to care for her nor do you have to update relatives who are not involved for her care. Again , that is something you are choosing to do. You don't need to answer their calls or proactively reach out to them.
I know it is hard to change habits, but you need to realize that you are allowing all of this to happen. Your mother, sister, etc. will not change so if you want the situation to change, you need to do it. If you feel you can't do that, you need to accept it or you will continue to suffer mentally, physically and emotionally.
This.
If you are living in her house (even if you work and pay rent) you are basically a slave. She owns you and her word is law because you have no cards to play if you live there. Especially if you are dependent on her for anything. If such is the case, you can do one of two things.
Leave immediately and do not return to her home. Do whatever you have to do to make it out and stay out. You say that you have a daughter and a husband. Where are they? Do they live in the house with your mother?
If you don't live with her you have more options. Like telling your mother that you are walking away from being her caregiver and leave the mess at your sister's door. She is your mother's heir so ake her earn her inheritance.
You do not have to take harassing calls from your mother making demands on you. Do you know how to block a phone number? Or how to let calls go to voicemail?
With all respect to you and please don't take offense at my words. You sound like a bit of a martyr. Believe me when I say and I'm saying it for your own good, martyrs ruin their lives and the lives of everyone they love. Don't do that to yourself. You don't deserve that and neither does your husband and daughter. Every day that you remain a slave to your mother's abusive neediness your husband and daughter take one step further away from you. Put them first not your mother.
Your sister and extended family who want the minute to minute updates on your mother can step up and start taking care of her.
It's time for you to step back. Your mother has lung and brain cancer along with several other devastating diseases. She is not playing the "pity card" with a medical rap sheet like that. It seems more like you are the one playing it.
It's time for you to step back and let other people take over the caregiving for your mother.
You and your family deserve better than this. So does your mother in her final days.
I don’t feel like the sister who does nothing should get ‘mom’s’ inheritance.
She can’t physically get her into the car though, to drop her off. She’s only 106 lbs. her mom weighs 70 lbs more than she does.
Great idea but I don’t know how she would get her mom over to her sister’s house.
Why is your sister the sole beneficiary of the life insurance? is she the Golden Child? To your sister, the "right thing" is to do nothing at all.
Who's to say that your idea of the "right thing" to do is better than hers?
Save yourself. Listen to your H.
From the health issues you listed she is not well and probably will die soon so there may be an end in sight. You might not be suffering through this much longer.
I wish you peace.
PS: Turn your phone off at night.
you need to hire caretakers at her expense if she has any assets, if she doesn't then get her on medicaid asap.
Her health will continue to decline and with it, your sanity.
"In home" she needs to meet certain criteria. She stays in her home and can have a car and she keeps her monthly income.
Medicaid for Long-term, again a car and a home are exempt assets. Most States the maximum assets u can have is 2k. There is also a monthly income cap. Her SS and any pension will need to go towards her care. So, any car and house she has, someone else will need to pay the upkeep or they are sold. Then that money needs to go to her care. Medicaid stops, money is spent down, and then u apply for Medicaid again.
If the insurance policy has a cash in value then it gets cashed in and that is used for Moms care. If no cash in value, it should not effect Mom being able to get Medicaid.
You really need to talk to a medicaid caseworker.
And Mom calling you, you should have gone Do Not disturb. You do not have to answer her calls. You were on respite.
Gonna be blunt, sorry. You need to grow a spine and refuse to take her back next time she's in the hospital. Change the locks and call the police if she makes her way back to your place and report an intruder.
This is absolute insanity. The Japanese practice of Ubasute would also be appropriate in this situation, and you conveniently live in a state with mountains!
Please, do not ever try to pick your mom up again. You call 911 and have them transport her to the hospital and then you do not allow her to come back home.
Since she's on hospice, is she actively dying? She has cancer, it's not being treated, right? Is it spreading? Is she on morphine at all? Sorry if these are ignorant questions but my experience with cancer and hospice are both very limited.
Good luck getting through this.
So mama had brain cancer and now she has radiation necrosis and vasogenic edema. That's why hospice.
I really went into this to do the right things. I wanted to help because no one would and she had literally nothing, she was about to lose the house etc. My husband wants her out ASAP! We just don't know where to start.
They will take all assets though, homes, cars, money over $2000.00.
I would let them take whatever they want if that means she gets out of my house.
Next time she goes to the hospital tell them she can’t come home. There is no one to take care of her and to call her POA to discuss what’s next.
Realize this is easier said than done. It looks me years to get out of an entangled codependent caregiving relationship with a family member. Slowly but surely you can and will if YOU want too…..
Best of luck!
Inow have POA so I can make decisions for medical care only.
When she fell the last time, you could have called 911 and had them take her to the ER. Next time she falls, do it. Don’t let her browbeat you into tucking her in bed and being so nicey nice. Just get her out of the house.
Then at the ER tell them it’s an unsafe discharge and you can no longer take care of her. They’ll have to find her a place, and that’s that.
Obviously she doesn't give a crap about you since only your sister is the beneficiary of her life insurance.
Walk away from all caregiving for mom and anyone else in your family.
And if you wont walk away then stop trying to lift and move her before you permanately screw your back up.
And pkease stop
I really shouldn't be helping at all. I know I'm not helping my case. I actually asked her hospice nurse today how much longer I had to endure this?