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She is a control freak and wants my mom to make her power of attorney. I take care of my mom who has dementia but is still totally coherent. I also live with my mom. My sister want to be MPO and cant stand that she is not. My mom wants to make my son who is 27 years old to make her decisions. I know he will do a wonderful job because he is reasonable and would not do anything unless it was in the best interest of my mom. In addition moms mobile home is in her name and my sisters name, Mom is leaving it to me and I have paid my sister money that she had paid. She will not change the names on the title, which should be in my name only now in case she will end up in a nursing home. Neither one of this wants this, but sister does. I am so distraught over my sister and what she does and says that I am a total wreck. I know this is long but I need to vent and maybe some of you can give me some advice.

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If she goes in a Nursing Home, nobody will get the mobile home except Medicaid. So put that right out of your head. Do not change the title, taking Mom off the title would trigger a penalty period with Medicaid and they would not pay for her care. So now that there is nothing left to inherit, you can agree to disagree without being disagreeable.
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Hi there,
I'm not sure if you're looking for technical advice re. MPO, your mom's inheritance and your sister, or if you're just looking for support re. your sister...?
If the former, it would depend on your mom's finances--does she have enough assets that there will be an inheritance? Or will there be virtually nothing in her name so that she can qualify for Medicaid (there's a 5-yr lookback)?
Either way, you may want to consult an attorney who specializes in this sort of thing. If finances are a concern, I'm sure there are free resources if you consult your local Dept. of Aging/Elderly Services.
If you're looking for support re. your sister being difficult, I can offer you tons of that. We are a family of 3 siblings (sis, me, brother, in that order) and mom, who is 88, suffers from early stage dementia and lives in Assisted Living. Sis has done nothing but criticize everyone on everything. Meanwhile, she hasn't lifted a finger in helping out or even visiting mom. And she expects to inherit an equal share in everything, in spite of the fact that she has never visited mom (who used to live 10 min's away) and has done nothing to help with any of mom's care, bills or living situation.
It is def. a challenge and makes me pray hard for karma. What keeps me sane is attending a support group for caregivers and turning to friends for support, since I obviously don't have family for that. We also ended up hiring an attorney to manage all of mom's financial & business affairs. If we didn't have the resources to pay for that, I'm sure it would have all fallen on me, which is difficult since I work full time and have a long commute.
I think you should sit down with mom while she is still coherent (and therefore, your sister will have a harder time challenging mom's decisions, vs. further down when mom's dementia gets worse) and figure out what her wishes are. Strongly recommend having a neutral witness there, so sis can't say you coerced mom. Then, execute mom's wishes or get it down in writing before mom's dementia and health declines. Trust me, with dementia, you do not want to wait too long for things to get worse before making any changes like that.
Finally, good luck! I completely understand what you are going through and can relate! Turn to your friends, other supportive family members and a group. It sounds like you can use the support.
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pamstegman - if the mobile home is in the names of both the mom and the sister (and has been for more than 5 years), wouldn't the Medicaid lien be only against the mom's half of the proceeds?
fligirl58 - with the mobile home titled to your mom and sister, your mom is only able to bequeath her half of it to you. If your mom does die without having had to go into a nursing home, you would inherit her half (if she has a will that specifies that), and your sister would retain her half, so you'd own it together. If your mom doesn't have a will, you and your sister would inherit your mom's half, resulting in your sister owning 75% of the mobile home.
Also, as pamstegman points out, if your mom goes into a nursing home, her assets (including her half of the mobile home), will have to be used to pay for her care.
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Let it go. I have been through everything that you are going through now. My mother was coherent and had her will changed and her POA and my sister about had a fit about it. My mother passed in October and my sister is using the old will that lists her as the executor instead of the one my mother wanted which put us both in that role. It will NEVER get better so just do everything the legal way while your mother is coherent and consult a trust or elder attorney and get everything ironclad. To not do what your loved one wanted after they have passed is unforgiveable and that is why I cannot talk to my sister every again. Greed and control is a horrible thing and as others have said, karma baby! I'm waiting.
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Unfortunately, we can't pick our relatives. You need to be proactive in this. The power of attorney needs to be taken care of yesterday. Money spent on an attorney is money well spent. There could also be a legal service available in your area that is free for seniors. The whole mobile home mess needs sorted out. Usually a third party (attorney) can get the point across better than family. Get going. If she wants your son, so be it. Don't let her brow beat you, your mom or your son. You can do this.
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Having three nasty and hateful sisters, I would like to tell you just don't speak with your sister. A lot of words said in anger will haunt you the rest of your life. As for the mobile home, file a quit-claim deed with at least your mother's signature giving you a name on the deed. If you have proof you paid your sister for her half, then get an attorney to file for her name to be removed on the deed or check with your local assessor's office or title company on how to do that. Your son sounds like a wonderful choice of MPOA, and since it is your mother wish, she has already seen the acrimony between her two daughters during her "normal" life so she knows there will be problems in the future. Whatever your sister says to you, walk away from her. Do not let her anger or hatefulness control your life and your emotions. Just let her go...you and your son will do find taking care of your mother and when she passes, then you really do not have to talk to your sister. Families are not always perfect, so recognize this for what it is: dysfunctional, and move on...Best wishes!
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I saw this and thought it is really good advise:
"You don't ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn't matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance. --You don't have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It's one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and "continues" to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go. ~Danielle Koepke~

I have a brother that I haven't gotten along with for years. I tried to "make it work" and finally got to the point that I realize that the relationship is toxic to me and decided to follow the above advise. I find that life is a lot easier now that we're not speaking to each other. Mom lives with me and if there was an issue with Mom, of course, I would call him. It is so unfortunate that we don't get along, but I must say that if we weren't siblings, he is not someone that I would associate with at all.
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Just because it wears the label 'famblee' doesn't mean we have to let it wreck our lives.
Enjoy your life and forget sis.

two cents ¢¢
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I totally agree with "Roxanne627"! My only sibling is an older sister who has only taken, taken, taken from my mom for a twenty-year period after our father died. She has lied, thrown horrible screaming tantrums along the lines of "you're dead to me" on MULTIPLE occasions (at least one time in front of her children/my mom's grandchildren) and my mom (who has been living with me & my family for three years) still forgives her!! Must be a "it's my child, I can't cut her out of my life" thing... I have no qualms about it, though -- my sister eventually threw her hatred my way, toward me AND my family, and it was the last straw. I haven't spoken to her since her last screaming tantrum explosion five years ago. I have principles and an example to set for my own child, and being repeatedly abused by a family member is NOT acceptable. Although we have my mom's trust and will in order, I know my sister will purposely make things difficult, as she's not included (this was my mom's wish and, allegedly my sister's, since she is married to a millionaire and told my mom she "doesn't need anything"). "Anonymous1" is also right -- greed is terrible. My sister is very wealthy yet does not give a PENNY to my mother, who helped her over and over for those twenty years. For greedy people, enough is never enough.
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I like the one reply karma baby! I'm waiting. My wife's sister does nothing but complain and will not help even when our daughter was knocking at deaths door last year she would not help but like. the sad thing is this person claims to be a God fearing bible believing follow the rules lady, makes you wonder doesn't it
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I have a sister to, I am learning to detach wwith love. Try to get her to change the will, so you ard the executor of the estate. You can train your mom to memorize things, I am doing that. My mom is almost 91. If your mom is that old, and she forgdts a lot it doesnt mean she has demenshia. That is what my doctor told me.
She said whdn you get that old, your memory wont me as good. Give her memory
bills likegingoa bilboa and I do it with my mom and it has Helped her memory a lot. Also give her fish oil.
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I hit the wrong button.I didnt mean to hit it to reveiw.
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Best thing you can do for yourself is to find a healthy way to begin ignoring your sister's bullying, then you can set goals and follow through with them on how to have the proper paperwork drawn up for your living situation. You will be able to rest better once you have a better way to deal with your own feelings about how your sister has been treating you all of your life, sounds like. Finding a good way to separate yourself, emotionally, from your sister's intimidations and other things will become clearer to you then about how you want to proceed.
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pamstegman: Is that true? This woman's home, which theoretically could go to put a roof over her children and/or grandchildren's head, will be taken by Medicaid at some point. Is this true for any kind of "abode" a nursing home client owns? I volunteer with the Society of St. Vincent de Paul; almost all of our clients here in N.E. Florida dwell in some sort of mobile home. Then again I hear from some of the long-time volunteers who are not judgmental stories (myths?) of the savvier elders who ahead of the game hid personal assets to get into various types of government subsidized living. These seniors often live side by side with elderly widows struggling to get by on less than $500 a month Social Security. At the same time I have made a solemn promise to my Mother to always consider and treat my Stepdad as family. What little they have stashed away for their later years is not being used for my Mother's care or even his current needs because I guess he is afraid of what's going to happen to him later on. He thinks we're capable of taking care of my Mother in my own home, and says he'll never put her in a nursing home. The fact is I'm disabled and wearing out my joints, and my husband was a victim of doctor error that left him requiring several major surgeries (he's now looking at ankle replacement surgery) and put him in a fight with depression while of course forcing him to give up a lucrative career he loved (and very quickly leaving us with nothing of the half million dollars we had for our eventual retirement). He can barely help lift my Mother the two times a day he is
called upon to help my Stepdad. He himself just recently suffered a hernia from lifting my Mother and still refuses to see a doctor about it. I don't want to see their very hard earned money, considering how my Mother sacrificed to save it, taken by Medicaid for maybe six months of nursing home care in a situation that very well might see Medicaid still funding her care for the following 10-12 years. (She's 86, my grandmother lived to 100. Dementia sneaking up on my Mother was a real shocker, as she is well otherwise). I've always told my Stepfather to buy another house as a way to protect some of his money. Now I see that this might be the best advice either. Thanks in advance for any enlightenment you might offer this confused hurting daughter and DIL.
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