Sister-in-law can't handle living with her mother for the last year and one-half and wants to send her back. Help!

My DH wanted "us" to take his father in when he was dying. Thought it would be a GREAT WAY to take care of a dying man.

Uh, no, I said "You want US to care for your dad? I will happily move out and you can care for him". DH was flabbergasted! Isn't this what kids DID for their folks? Gosh, how could I BE so selfish.

I stood my ground, firmly. The compromise was HHC, which was terrible, and ended up going to his place 2-3 times a day to dress wounds, cook or run him to drs. It was awful and time consuming, but he wasn't living with us.

Dh did see how utterly exhausted I was by this. He also did apologize for the idea of bringing dad here to live.

I was only 47 and this wiped me OUT.

When dad got so bad he needed to be in a NH, he chose to die, instead. (Hospice).

Now my hubby's mother is in a similar situation. He had previously broached the same idea, she'd move in with us. After my hysterical laughter died down, I said "You go live with her. And good luck with that". He knew better than to even ASK me when she began a decline a year or so ago.

I'm now 62 and busy taking care of (and enjoying!!!) 14 grandkids and I absolutely would NEVER take in an aging parent. Heck, I AM an aging parent!

Sounds like you need a "come to Jesus" meeting with all sibs on board. Have a list of NH's or ALF's in hand. Do NOT say you'll bring MIL to live with you, under any circumstances, but that you will be willing to "help".

And you DO have a HUGE part in this say: You think your DH is going to step up and do the bathing, meals and dr runs? It will be on you 99%. SO YES, you DO have a stay.

My mother lives with my brother. My SIL is unhappy with this and was from the start. She currently does not even SPEAK to my mother, and mother is baffled by this (she's a pill and it's been 22 years!!!!!!)

I have seen, so rarely, multigenerational families live in harmony in one home. Sad, but true. Marriages are ruined, families are fractured by disagreement about the kind/level of care. You have sibs who are MIA and not doing their part, then they complain the loudest when something goes amiss.

AGAIN: THIS HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!! Your voice should be heard and heard loudly.

Good luck!! Be tough, OK?

Why doesn't anyone want to put her in a SNF? If none of them want to do it, yet they all expect YOU to take her in -- well, refuse to do so and then into the SNF she goes.

Put the pressure on SIL to explain why she doesn't want to be the carer. LOTS of pressure. The more she explains, the easier it is for you to say no. Don't let the conversation be about you. She's the one opting out.

Yes, you do have a say in who lives in your home and whether or not you are prepared to do any care giving. Nobody can make you accept her into your home nor can they force you to care for her one minuted of the day.

So If your sil does not want to look after her, it is up to her to find the care your mil needs. It is not your responsibility to provide anything at all.

Now if your dh decides he wants her to live with him, move out. That way he can attend to the 24/7 care giving needs and you will have your freedom. The other option is that you dh moves into an apartment with his mother. I am sure he will change his tune and support you.

You have receive some really go advice here. I think some many of us (myself included) think we don't have any power or say to what is going on in our situation. But we do! We just don't activate it. Jesus died and gave us power through Him. It is our job to have faith in that power, which I am working on in my own situation. So, you do have a say what or who lives in your home.

God bless you.

I agree with everyone here; just wanted to make a comment. I don't understand why families say, "Oh, but we don't want them to go to a care facility (whatever the type) yet they don't want to either move in with the person or have them come and live with them. This lady does not want to go into care, and she pits her family members against each other to get what she wants. When you get to the point that you cannot take care of your daily needs and need help, there are choices. Thank God we now have a variety of care facilities that are not "hell-holes". It is sad to get to that stage in life but we all will get there. Medsister needs to stand her ground and the SIL who does not want to continue care giving needs to "man up" and get MIL to realize that she needs to find a facility to live it.

"I am tired of my life being turned upside down and I now have made the choice to just be a bystander to her care."

Tired? After only 52 years of it? Well I never did.

It is not for your SIL to dictate who moves into your house. It is for your DH. Actually, it should be for both DH and YOU, but as you say you have no say so - really? How come? - let's agree at least on definitely DH. So don't blame SIL for whatever gets decided.

You are absolutely right - you should refuse to have no input and to be an unappreciated caregiver, and you are fighting for your life, and your husband's quality of life, and your long marriage, and most of all for simple common sense and fairness.

There's just one thing. I hope you feel better and stronger for venting here, and that is good. But you need to say all of this to YOUR HUSBAND.

How about printing it off and sellotaping it to the Sports Section?

It's your home and your life. Don't take her back! Don't do it! And who cares what any of them thinks. Relinquish your need for their approval. And truth is, she is THEIR mother. Not yours. She can't come back to you, beyond that they need to figure out what to do with her. Be very clear; don't be wishy washy. If they tell you they want her to come there, simply say, " No." You don't even have to explain why. Do not say something like, " I would prefer that she not come here."

I don't understand why so many people are opposed to putting their loved one in an assisted care facility. We took care of my mom at home with help of sibs and caregivers until she needed 24/7 care. Then, we found her a lovely facility. She had been in and out of the hospital and rehab so much she was basically living outside her home, anyway. They gave her the 24 hour care we couldn't. The food was great. She could leave anytime. They did her cleaning and laundry, gave her meds. She was very happy there as it was the nicest place she had ever lived. We visited regularly - more than when she had been well and living at home - an none of us became worn out in the process. Today's facilities are not the nursing homes with neglected care you remember. My advice is to head off in advance your SIL's thinking she can come back to you. After all, you don't want her dumping her on your doorstep and leaving. I called a family meeting with a minister as arbitrator and we agreed on a plan. (I also had POA but didn't want to alienate the family, if I could help it.)

I posted on another thread that this is a family decision, and no one person should be soley responsible for caring for another unless they seriously think it through and still choose to do so. Even then, you are subject to care giver burnout and developing illnesses from the emotional and physical strain of caring for another. The care giver over 70 years old is likely to die before the person being cared for!
Sit down as a family with a mediator and get everyone to come to a group decision. Explore the options of in home care through skilled care. Set and keep careful boundaries so you can take care of yourselves as well.
I wish you the best. This is a tough situation and every one of them is different. Being supportive and loving of one another will be a better insurance that no one has regrets about the choices made.
I'm an only child so just my husband (whose parents have passed) and I make the decisions about what we can and can't do for my mother who is almost 92. We don't know what the future will be, but being on the same page really helps us get through each day.

SIL can't handle her own mother's care, so why should you? I am assuming it is her mother. This is not fair to you and for all the same reasons that SIL can't/won't do it, you can use the same excuses! My husband's family is somewhat like this too...only SIL who was supposed to care for her mom died of a drug overdose while living in MIL's home. SIL was always indulged and spoiled and everyone but me turned a blind eye to her behavior...the worst case of denial I have ever seen. She did the ultimate to get out of caring for her mother. Now MIL lives in her own home on her own at 88, but relies on my husband and I, the neighbor, her niece, to do things for her. MIL expects her family to take care of her and to stay and die in her own home. I don't know how things are going to go...but after years of caring for my bedridden mom I can't take my MIL in and go through that again. Please stand your ground and for all the same reasons SIL can't do it, tell her you cannot either!

I'm surprised you were able to stay married this long. You've caved in in the past and they figure you will again--they'll send the mother in law to you and it's cheaper too!

Tell your husband that if his mother moves in you are moving out and taking your half of the marital assets with you.

This is the only life you get. I hope you protect it.

I have the same situation — even to the point of my DH being the oldest of 5 & being the family doormat, bailing out the parents, and me being blamed for when we wouldn’t comply. My husband’s family all thought it would be best for us to take in their mother (she is currently living with her 2 daughters). I knew it was going to be “suggested” and I made it VERY clear to my husband that it would all be on him.

He tried guilting me & then bullying me into agreeing, but I stood my ground (thanks to this forum). I did agree to help but only as the last on the list, not the first. When he realized that he would have to give up so much of his fun things, he changed his mind. The final straw was him imagining having to clean up his mother after her many accidents. So we came up with a plan on how to handle the “suggestion” when it came. Basically, it was asking his siblings to outline exactly how they will help.

When we had the “what should we do with mom” family discussion (I insisted all spouses be involved in the discussion) and his 4 siblings all agreed that it would be best for their mom to move in with us, we were prepared. Instead of flat out saying no, he said that before we agree to it he wanted to know exactly how they would help, how their spouses would help because they were expecting me to help, and how their own adult children would help because they were expecting our own adult children to help. Oh my, the excuses started to fly as to why they couldn’t help, with no concrete specifics as to what they could do.

He let them talk & give their reasons, not interrupting just saying “I understand” (we practiced this for a long time). When they were done, he calmly informed them that since none of them were going to help, her moving in with us was not option. He had to keep it short because he knew he would be interrupted.

As soon as he said “not an option”, all of them exploded. Name calling. Berating. Any dirty tactic they used in the past to wear him down into compliance, they did it. I am so proud of him for standing his ground because he has always been the doormat / people pleaser / martyr of the family. (He told me afterwards that what helped him to stand firm was the visual of him cleaning up his mother after an accident.)

He did suggest Assisted Living — we had already visited 3 nice options in our area — but the 2 sisters said they would “never put mom in a home”. Well then, the only other option is for her to stay where she is — with them (they live together). He even came up with a list of how he would specifically help them. Nope, wasn’t good enough — it was either all (we take her in) or nothing (“don’t want your help”). OK, your decision — live with it.

That was 8 months ago & we actually have a life! The mother & 2 sisters don’t talk to him or the 2 out-of-state brothers who “took his side”. I know this won’t last forever; meanwhile, we are enjoying our less-stressful lives.

All this to suggest there is a way to set your boundaries to your husband so he can set his boundaries (again, thanks to this forum). Yes, DH & I fought over it but that was while we still could. Getting past that, then we came up with an approach together as to how to say no. Yes, you have every right to decide who lives in your home. I just now remembered when it was suggested my grandmother come live with my parents (because they had the room & all the children were on their own). My father was retired & made it very clear to my mother it was her decision. However, he made it equally clear that he wouldn’t be helping with anything and HE came first like he always did in their 45 years of marriage. Mom tried it & didn’t last a week — she was torn between the 2 of them & almost had a nervous breakdown. This is oddly comforting to remember this.

The advice of others here is spot on. You DO have a say. Good luck. Stay strong. Believe in yourself.

My blood pressure shot up 20 points just reading your text. Wow!! Poor you. The family wants to shove the MIL off on you? You better be ready to fight. Tell the husb if the sister cant take care of MIL; you left your super woman cape at the dry cleaners. She will not be moving in. Period.
You are not a pushover, or your house the dumping ground for MIL because the family feels like shirking their responsibility. They dont want the guilt of being the "bad guy", sending her to the nursing home. Too bad.
Tell husb and family they can pay for 24/7 home health or nursing home. That is the only decision their going to make. You will not move her into your home or husband will be looking at a divorce and picking out his future apartment alone.
So what if you come off as the bad guy?? The family already has been using that for years to manipulate you and your husband. Thats not love, that is abuse. Call their bluff. Your not having any of it. If they try, cut off all contact. Stand your ground.

Also remember NO can be a single sentence. Do not elaborate, justify, argue, plead your case etc. Just keep saying NO. Cant have an argument when the other person doesnt respond.
Manipulation cannot work on someone who doesnt allow it and sees it for what it is. Being bullied by people who are narcisists and controlling, and toxic! It is not normal behavior, it is malignant and destructive.

One more thing, please look up "grey rock technique" on youtube. It will show you how to respond when the manipulation, arguing, and put downs start. You will be prepared on how to respond.
Manipulation was done to me by my mother and sibling so this hits close to home.
You can do this! Let us know how it went, and your VICTORY. DO NOT feel guilty because you stood up for yourself. Good luck.

Sticking to your guns is one option and I completely understand, another option is to hire 24/7 care in your home. You become their supervisor in a sense. This is not the greatest option either I know and it will still require your involvement but less. And you have to worry about laziness and theft. I hate to say it but it’s true. I understand where you’re coming from. Get yourself into support group right now too. It will really help you Feel understood. Oh there’s also the facilities where she could go to during the day and you only have to deal with her at night and may be a caregiver at night then. Good luck God bless

How about saying no and learning not to enable?

Medsister: Stand your ground. Don’t cave. You “over-gave” for 50+ years. Now hubby’s clan thinks they can wave a white flag and you’ll bail them out. NO.

Hubby does not have to stand up for you (altho it would be nice). Stand up for yourself. Draw the line. No negotiation.

Your sanity matters. Your life matters. Your privacy matters.

They CAN arrange alternate care for MIL. They’re just reverting to old patterns. They’re reaching for what’s comfortable and convenient.

Call bullsh*t on all of it. Repeatedly.

This will be so uncomfortable for them. They will deflect. Shift blame. Try to guilt-trip you. You will entertain none of it. Got it? None of it.

HANG TOUGH.

For the past 25-ish years, I’ve lived the “lite” version of your in-law jumble.

My journey started when I was young and full of energy. I’m affable and low-maintenance. And I was naive enuf to view them all as harmless kooks.

It evolved into the manifestation of an old fable: the frog slowly being boiled alive.

All of my in-laws (parents-in-law & sibs-in-law) believe that every problem can be traced to Somebody’s Awful Spouse. Like drawing names out of a hat. Need a scapegoat? Voila! Here’s your A**hole Of The Day.

And - get ready - the daughters-in-law get raked over the coals way more than the sons-in-law.

My guy subscribes to this fallacy, too. Ohhhh the blank stare the 1st time I said, “You DO realize they say the same sh*t about ME the minute the door closes behind YOU ?”

I’ve repeated this mantra. Not excessively. Usually when a successful “family fill-in-the-blank” (holiday; celebration; resolving a crisis) hinges on me believing the false dichotomy that our household is the only one that can host or contribute meaningfully.

Five adult kids (including us) live a mere 5-10 miles away from MIL & FIL. (Now just MIL.) And my guy & I are the only ones who know how to operate the stove and open our door to others? FALSE.

My guy & I are the only ones who show up at a funeral home? Or visit when parent/sibling is in hospital or inpatient physical rehab? TRUE, unfortunately.

Though I myself backed away from such gestures a while back. Why? Their dear brother/son was once laid up for 10 weeks, post-accident. Not a one of them offered him (and by extension, me) one iota of support.

BTW, his accident was a near-death experience, if any of them gives a f**k. Which is when I realized they don’t.

Their brother/son was literally re-learning how to walk. Bored to death. No income. Yet siblings/parents were all “too busy” to call. Or stop by with a pizza. Or offer transportation. Or even offer to mow our grass. Radio silence.

Remember the 5-10 mile radius? It gets better. One brother lives a mere half-mile from us. A sister drives past our house every day on her way to/from work. Screw them all.

We spent years bending over backwards for these clowns. We showed up for everything. And this is their reaction when our lives were turned upside-down. Duly noted.

And yet. Our phone rings when someone has car trouble. When something heavy needs to be moved. When they’re too cheap (always) to pay a handyman, plumber or HVAC tech.

For the parents alone, over the years: We helped them navigate IRS, building code and landlord/tenant issues. We intervened after a house fire. We paid for lawyers. We contributed to funeral expenses.

The last straw for me? I have parents, too. I’m an only child. I lived a 4-year marathon of escalating elder issues w/my aging parents. Capped off by 2 funerals and exhausting estate issues.

Through it all, barely a grunt from the in-laws. When I buried my last parent, two of my guy’s four siblings did not acknowledge it. No call, no text, no card, no flowers, no-show at the funeral.

Medsister: The point of my long-winded cautionary tale? You are not alone in this bizarro world. (You’ll find many more AC Forum.) And - it’s all on you to fight the good fight. Be on guard always. Don’t give an inch. Stay strong and BIG HUGS. 💕

I had all but forgotten when I first married eons ago at age 19, my husband's family ( 8 brothers and sisters) assumed FIL would come to live with us because I was a nurse, and husband was in the service, (and FIL had COPD/emphysema). Newly married young couple with a parent coming to live with them? No way.
I said NO. End of story.

Well, actually not the end of the story. My husband and I remained married for 23 years until he passed away of cancer. We had 3 wonderful children and a wonderful life. Traveled to other countries and different states until he retired from service. We had a full happy marriage....

You wrote "I have no say so in this matter but..." and I could not disagree more with you. You do indeed have a say so because it is your life, it is your marriage, and it is your health that all are on the line.

You sound like a smart woman whose already identified all of the problems that would land in your lap if MIL moves in with you. Please speak up for yourself; no one will do it for you. Let your husband know exactly what you will and will not do for his mother. No person is a mind reader.

I have been in your shoes and have had to be blunt. And I know that members of my husband's family talked badly about me - she's so mean...unfeeling...blah blah blah - so you might as well just accept that there's nothing you can do to stop it. Not everyone is going to be happy that you grew a backbone and established healthy boundaries for yourself.

And I had plenty of conversations with my SIL when my in-laws went to stay with them for a visit. SIL was pretty clueless but I educated her. Sounds like your SIL may need to vent before she can be helped to come up with a plan for MIL that works for everyone.

Stand your ground.

You and your husband have no responsibility to do the impossible! Too bad if MIL doesnt “want” to go to a facility!

It’s not up to you to fix this problem.

And, PS, based on what you’ve said about the unkind “family gossip”, I would suggest that unkind things will be said, no matter what you do or don’t do, so you might as well do what’s best for you, your husband, your marriage and your sanity.

Its probably going to be tough, but hang in there and stand your ground!

Many have said it better than I can "NO." "Absolutely not," "Nada" "I couldn't possibly do that" "When pigs fly" ...

My mother is narcissistic and has borderline personality disorder. Early in my adult life, she came to stay briefly with myself and a girlfriend "while she looked for other accommodation", She then proceeded to contribute nothing, expected to be waited on, and did not look for other accommodation, So I sat down with her every night with the newspaper and went through ads for rooms until she got mad, said I didn't want her there (true - like two young women in a small apartment want one of their mothers sleeping on the sofa), packed up and flounced out to stay in the Y which suited her very well. I then made it clear that staying with me was never an option at any point in her/my life. I even cut out visits to my house after one time she insisted in coming up, though it didn't suit me, took the bus up, then refused to leave unless I drove her back -5 hours drive and I was working full time. I drove her back and she was not permitted to stay at my house again.

I have had to develop a thick skin about what family says and thinks about the boundaries I keep. It is not just in-laws that get criticized. Those that know me and know mother understand. Those that don't don't understand unless they have an experience with her too. It has happened a few times and was quite gratifying for me, Those that never get it - whatever. My life goes on.

"I WILL NOT do this again." Good for you!!!

I don’t have a chance now to read the other responses but I hope that you will stand your ground firmly. Read what you wrote as many times a day as you need to! This is the time for YOU. I’m on your side. No matter how much you do for your MIL, it will never be enough.

One simple question.....why on earth are YOU allowing this crap to take place with you taking on all the burdens. It seems to me you have more than enough paid your dues. Contact a professional, such as an eldercare attorney. Since no one wants to "help" and blames you for everything, then sever your ties from them and get her moved out of your home and into a facility. Don't give a darn what they have to say. You do NOT deserve this and it will destroy you if you don't do something at once. Don't let that happen.

yes, Medsister, SO BE IT!!! You are absolutely right!

I take care of my mom with my brother who has advanced dementia.  She requires total assisted care and this is quite different from living with a husband.  Honestly, I think it would be easier if I was married and taking care of my mom as my ex used to be a great help and loved my mom. Of course my brother and I love my mom, too, but living with a brother is not the same as a husband.  Still, she requires so much care and we get limited help.  I have been with her for over 5 years now and 5 years ago she didn't require all of this help as the dementia has progressed over the years.  But I don't think she would be able to go into AL as she needs assistance with about everything.  And a NH or rest home, don't know if they're still called rest home, seems to be a total last resort as we don't think they provide good care in most of the places.  Mom was in a rehab not too long ago and the care provided was the worst.  Still have bad feelings about that place.  They provided the worst care.  I have heard about places that only have about 2 people to help with close to 50 residents.  We can't even mention a NH and my mom doesn't want it.  She has been the best mother and even though it can be exhausting, there are times during the day when she is no trouble.  Mostly, we have to be here for her in case she needs anything.  Really hope she never gets to the point where we can't care for her as have heard so many bad things about those places.  I understand there are some who have no choice in the matter as the person is too bad to care for, but if able to care for the person, as in our case, we can't put her in a place only to have our freedom.

It's been said many times in many responses here... Stand your ground and make sure you focus on taking good care of your health, and keep healty boundaries. Their bahavior in trying to convince you and your husband to take his mother back is nothing more than emotional blackmail... Stay focused on your desired outcome which is "MIL needs 24/7 care in a residential facility" (period, mike drop) No ifs, ands or buts... This is your "go-to" response whenever anyone (including your husband) brings up the option of your MIL coming home to you... The answer is plain and simple... "Mother needs 24/7 care in a residential facility". Repeat as often as needed without further explanation, defensiveness or justification...
Wishing you the best possible outcome... and we breathe

If your husband goes to talk to his sis about MIL care, make sure you go. If you let him go alone, he might not have the backbone to stand up to being railroaded by sis. She is going to push very hard to get MIL out of her house. Since guilt, manipulation, slander, screaming, and flying monkeys (others who attack you for that person) seem to be the norm for that family.
You dont want to find out after the fact, as MIL is being wheeled into your house.
Dont tell them you are using grey rock method on them. Watch vids on narcissist and malignant people and their tactics. That way you are aware of their manipulation tactics. Just maintain calm, and say no. No I dont think so. Interesting but no. As you look at your phone and not at them glaring at you. You can do this!

Time for SIL to step up. You've done your just due and then some.