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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Most sibs or other relatives that fail to see the signs, fail to see them because they aren't there as much as the person who can see the changes. (Assuming you are with your mom more than your sibs are.)
Another thing to consider is the strange thing about dementia - not everyone will witness signs. There is a phenomenon about this disease that some call show-boating. The person can be around the primary caregiver all day and exhibit all kinds of strange behavior, loss of thought, loss of memory, etc. Caregiver tells other what they are seeing. Yet, lo and behold, let a visitor show up and they can remember everything very vividly. What the caregiver reported to others appears to be not true.
To me, it is like a little spark that's left deep inside somewhere can suddenly be ignited due to the visit of someone not regularly in their surroundings. The brain is awakened. A little lighter fluid tossed on the wick, so to speak.
Everyone will deal with finality of a loved one's life differently. If they don't see the signs, or even blind them selves to the signs, it's not really that important to you unless you are trying to get more help from them. Or if you're trying to get mom placed in facility care for her safety. If either of those are the problem, try to get them to come and spend some time with mom while you will be 'away'. Needs to be a couple weeks at a time so that mom settles in with the new visitors and perhaps some of the new found flames dim a little so they can see her on a regular day to day basis.
Take mom for an assessment by a neurologist specialicing in cognitive disorders, preferably at an academic medical center. S/he will do thorough testing to rule out other possibilities and an MRI, CT scan, or PET scan. Ask her (or your) primary care provider for a good one (or ones in case it takes time to get an appointment or you're not happy with the firdt one. See an elderlaw/estate planning for financial and POA issues. If you're part of a church, synagogue, mosque, or temple, ask the clergy for recommendations, too. That's how I found the estate planning/elderlaw attorney who was very helpful to us; our priest recommended her. She's a member of our parish.
I had relatives that were in denial. I suggest since you are the smartest, to plan your mom's future. Stick with either becoming guardian or POA. You need to eventually get your mom out of her house. She won't be able to take care of herself for much longer. If she has a hospital stay, they can perform a brain scan. You must take control of your mom's care. Reach out to her doctors, ask an Elder Attorney for guidance. So sorry for what you're dealing with.
Start putting together a plan of what you think should be done. Be prepared. Make sure she has her POA and health proxies done. Know as much you can about her financials. If you are thinking of placing her in MC or AL, start looking into it now, there could be waiting lists.
Sorry to write this but your siblings might prefer to not confront this inconvenient truth and put this all on you.
How does your mom feel about it? Is she in denial too? Perhaps you can have a phone conversation with her doctor and alert them to this possibility. Then if she’ll go for a checkup they may do a cognitive test. You may also want to keep a record of things you notice her doing now. If they increase in intensity you’ll see a pattern. I had to wait until my very stubborn father fell down his stairs and was found by neighbors 3 days later, close to death, before we finally got a firm diagnoses during his hospital stay.
You may just have to wait until something happens and then don’t tell anyone but call 911 and send her to the ER (which doesn’t diagnose Dementia as far as I am aware), but it might be the start of a paper trail and might lead to everyone getting out of denial.
At that point, you use the unsafe discharge words.
Like she set something on fire while cooking, or she falls, etc or she becomes violent…
Someone here with POA? Who is functioning for mom, medically, if anyone? If not it is time for the next of kin, the child closest to mom to go with her for assessment. You might also call your mom's doctor. Let him or her know your suspicions and why, and ask that she be assessed on her annual physical. They cannot discuss her medically with you unless you are MPOA or POA, but they CAN be forewarned and have a chart notation.
You give us little here to go on. Without knowing about your mom and why you suspect this, about her current living conditions (and with whom) and about what you are SPECIFICALLY seeing that concerns you, that's about all I can contribute. But do know, whatEVER the case may be, you can't convince you siblings of ANYTHING. In fact, we can almost never convince anyone of anything.
Caringformom123, welcome to the forum. Can you give us ideas of what your Mom is doing to suspect dementia is starting?
Both hubby and I are 78 years old, and we tend to forget things, especially names of people we see on TV. Usually the name will pop into our brain a few minutes later or at midnight. This is normal aging, not dementia.
So that is why I am curious what you are seeing with your Mom.
The signs are so subtle. After Mom was diagnosed, I thought back and there were signs. It started with me writing her checks and recociling her bank statement. Then her reasoning went.
It will be noticeable late in the afternoon early evening. Its called "sundowning". IMO it shows up then because the brain is tired so harder to hide it. Some people are aware something is wrong so they are able to "showtime". You deal by watching out for her. There will come a time when others will see it.
JoAnn29, I hate to write checks and balance my checkbook but that happened when I developed macluar degeneration of the eyes. It was just hard to read the numbers without using a magnifying glass.... (sigh).
I live long distance from my aunt and cousins. I recall my cousin firs calling me and telling me she believed aunt had dementia. My aunt's neighbor also sent a letter to me stating my aunt wasn't herself and she believed it was dementia. Please come and see her. My cousin kept saying we had to get her to a neurologist to get her diagnosed. I agreed. However, I noticed the more I was coming and attending to aunt, all the sudden, cousin believed aunt was fine and a diagnosis was not needed. Since I've been out of the picture, I still do not believe aunt has been to a neurologist. Family living nearby are in denial. Serious denial. I don't live near them, but the few visits I've made told me enough that aunt does indeed have dementia. But every time I speak with family, "She's doing great. She's coming along". I do not believe it. However, no one can get aunt to a neurologist to be diagnosed. Others are in denial, but I am not.
I’m not sure I’d focus a whole lot on anyone’s denial as the symptoms will make themselves all too apparent given some time. Focus on being sure mom has the documents in place everyone should have, POA for healthcare and financial decisions, updated will, advanced directive making her wishes clear. If you can get her to see her doctor, minus mentioning your concerns to her, you can let the doctor know your concerns ahead of the visit, that can start the evaluation process for a diagnosis. Make up a reason for the appointment if needed. Start at least mentally considering her living arrangements and how appropriate or not they might be over time. You can be ahead of others without saying a word
Best answer. I agree, as we’re starting the process with both of my parents. Two strong-minded 85 year olds are a force to be reckoned with, and we love them! Their recent in-hospital experiences caused them to plan a move out of state to be near us & in a senior community next year.
Hi caring for mom, it probably depends on your family dynamics.
For me I've had to keep it to myself , I'm suspicious that my brother may had told my mother my suspicion, to keep me out of her and my brothers business. Not sure but I know now it's a possibility.
People want to be in denial, staying in denial is much much easier for them than to admit the truth. If they are to admit it that will put much more work on them, and or loss there 'inheritance" because now the care giving went to a new level
So I'm just saying, move forward with this carefully. You may very well get no where's.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Another thing to consider is the strange thing about dementia - not everyone will witness signs. There is a phenomenon about this disease that some call show-boating. The person can be around the primary caregiver all day and exhibit all kinds of strange behavior, loss of thought, loss of memory, etc. Caregiver tells other what they are seeing. Yet, lo and behold, let a visitor show up and they can remember everything very vividly. What the caregiver reported to others appears to be not true.
To me, it is like a little spark that's left deep inside somewhere can suddenly be ignited due to the visit of someone not regularly in their surroundings. The brain is awakened. A little lighter fluid tossed on the wick, so to speak.
Everyone will deal with finality of a loved one's life differently. If they don't see the signs, or even blind them selves to the signs, it's not really that important to you unless you are trying to get more help from them. Or if you're trying to get mom placed in facility care for her safety. If either of those are the problem, try to get them to come and spend some time with mom while you will be 'away'. Needs to be a couple weeks at a time so that mom settles in with the new visitors and perhaps some of the new found flames dim a little so they can see her on a regular day to day basis.
I found out later he didn’t want her diagnosis to show up on her medical reports because he was taking her to an attorney to amend her trust.
Sorry to write this but your siblings might prefer to not confront this inconvenient truth and put this all on you.
At that point, you use the unsafe discharge words.
Like she set something on fire while cooking, or she falls, etc or she becomes violent…
It might be a waiting game for you.
Who is functioning for mom, medically, if anyone?
If not it is time for the next of kin, the child closest to mom to go with her for assessment.
You might also call your mom's doctor. Let him or her know your suspicions and why, and ask that she be assessed on her annual physical. They cannot discuss her medically with you unless you are MPOA or POA, but they CAN be forewarned and have a chart notation.
You give us little here to go on. Without knowing about your mom and why you suspect this, about her current living conditions (and with whom) and about what you are SPECIFICALLY seeing that concerns you, that's about all I can contribute. But do know, whatEVER the case may be, you can't convince you siblings of ANYTHING. In fact, we can almost never convince anyone of anything.
Both hubby and I are 78 years old, and we tend to forget things, especially names of people we see on TV. Usually the name will pop into our brain a few minutes later or at midnight. This is normal aging, not dementia.
So that is why I am curious what you are seeing with your Mom.
It will be noticeable late in the afternoon early evening. Its called "sundowning". IMO it shows up then because the brain is tired so harder to hide it. Some people are aware something is wrong so they are able to "showtime". You deal by watching out for her. There will come a time when others will see it.
My cousin kept saying we had to get her to a neurologist to get her diagnosed. I agreed. However, I noticed the more I was coming and attending to aunt, all the sudden, cousin believed aunt was fine and a diagnosis was not needed. Since I've been out of the picture, I still do not believe aunt has been to a neurologist. Family living nearby are in denial. Serious denial. I don't live near them, but the few visits I've made told me enough that aunt does indeed have dementia. But every time I speak with family, "She's doing great. She's coming along". I do not believe it. However, no one can get aunt to a neurologist to be diagnosed. Others are in denial, but I am not.
Caringformom123, best of luck to you. 🩷
For me I've had to keep it to myself , I'm suspicious that my brother may had told my mother my suspicion, to keep me out of her and my brothers business. Not sure but I know now it's a possibility.
People want to be in denial, staying in denial is much much easier for them than to admit the truth. If they are to admit it that will put much more work on them, and or loss there 'inheritance" because now the care giving went to a new level
So I'm just saying, move forward with this carefully. You may very well get no where's.