How is your social life impacted by caregiving?

yep ! wanna go cycle ride , nope cant do that . wanna go shoppin for a new sofa , nope cant do that either , daughter wanted to go roamin to yard sales oh no i cant do that . cant do alot .
friends comes and goes , they all know i cant go bye bye . they do come here and visit so that is nice ,
what people dont realize is they will be in our shoes one day . maybe not all but some will . then they ll come and find us and cry about it . ah well where were u when i needed you ? a company is all we ever wanted .
my daugher usualy comes and sits with my dad so hubby and i can go out for few hrs . which is great . i always hate to ask her but will ask her if im crying lol .
thats ok i rather be home with dad and knowing he s ok .

Social life? Theres not time or money for a social life. Its Labor Day weekend and I haven't been outside all summer except to run errands.

hi mariesmom ! hope u get to go outside and enjoy the hot air all weekend . best enjoy it cuz next weekend theyre saying 73 degree . then its gonna be cold ....

Social life? Hmm, don't even know what that is anymore. The only time I have any social interactions with others is by happenstance, I happen to run into them at the grocery store. I happen to talk to someone at the doctors office, pharmacy, or if someone is coming or going while I'm at home which doesn't happen very often with what's going on around here most of the time. I guess I could say that I'm socializing when talking to others here at this forum, or if my daughter calls me on the phone. I could try to get out of the house and just go walk the mall but the last time I did that, the damage done at home made up for it so I gave that up.

Me too! Other people my age seem much more carefree than I am - much more able to spend time shopping, going to movies; etc. They have an ability to laugh and joke that I seem to have lost somewhere along the way.
Somtimes it's 'hard to move among them'. I feel waay older than most of my friends.
I don't feel like I can invite people over - it's too weird. I don't know how to fix it.

We need a big old house with a central meeting room and a different wing for every family. We could take turns watching one anothers people, while the others could have a social life - and of course Warren Buffet would fund it.

Where shall we put it? A central locale like Kansas City or perhaps on the beach somewhere (like Hawaii)? Yum yum roast pork luau and hula lessons. (I'd HAVE to have a pedicure first, and about a year at a fat farm but those are details we could work out).

Ramsay could cook, Martha could decorate, Vera Wang could dress us, Cuz could be our entertainment, and Dr Oz could tend to us and our elders.

Who's with me?

I'm there!

I hear you and feel your pain. You are not going to be able to live like this for a long period of time. We humans are social creatures and it's really important that you set some new ways of doing things in motion. You can't do this alone because you will begin to resent not only your mother, but your friends as well. I always recommend that you sit down and map out your social network; from family members to friends to religious community (if you have one), to friends of your mother's...anyone and everyone. And then map out exactly what help you need. Are there little errands that someone could help you with? Are there things that can be done for her that don't require you to be there? You have to ASK for help. And you have to ask earnestly. I don't know the financial situation that your mom is in, but if she has a little money...maybe you can hire someone to come in and help her and you out a couple of times a week. Does she own her home? If so, you can look into getting a reverse mortgage to help pay for some extra help. It's really about taking a serious look at your life...what works? What doesn't? What do you need help with? How can someone help you? Are you willing to ask for what you need? Most of my clients come to me in the throws of caregiving and are really without hope...but once they begin the process of changing their circumstances around the care required, most of them see that there are things they can let go of in order to enjoy some personal time. It's possible that your friends don't know how to help you....tell them what you need and ask for help. I know right now it seems like there is no way you will ever relate to anyone who is not a caregiver again, but if ask for what you need and not wait for others to know...you will see that your real friends will be there for you. You need to find a way to get out and do things that used to make you happy. That part of you isn't gone. It's just buried somewhere beneath all your feelings of sadness. Who will care for your mother if something happened to you? Family caregiving is like running a business and you have to set up systems that work for not only your mother, but also for you. You matter. Your life matters. Your happiness matters. Caring for another person's life is a beautiful act of humanity, but not if you lose yourself and your life along the way.

Marie's Mom,,, yes i'll go... how much?
okay, so this is an example -- my mother is suffering from severe anxiety about being alone, obsessed with being with people, so i have choices to make each weekend on how to budget my time. Rec'd a call from a friend, who is only responsible for her children and husband, asking me to attend football game, but i also want to get my hair done on saturday so, it's where do I spent my time and as a non-caregiver -- they do not understand -- why would i have to attend my mother, hmmm --- cause no one else will how about that one

it's a difficult situation for you no doubt. Does your mother take medication for her anxiety? Is there anything medically that can be done to help her manage her condition? I experienced this when caring for my ex-husband's mother. She suffered from agitated dementia with anxiety about everything. It was long process but we found a geriatric doctor who was able to properly diagnose her issues and gave prescribed proper medication and her anxiety and agitation was greatly diminished. Has she seen a good geriatric doctor? You might try that.

Regarding your friend who invited you to attend the football game...she can't possibly understand what you are going through, because she isn't living this - YET. The good news is that she invited you. You get to decide what you want to do...hair appointment or football game. Your choice...your self care. Who takes care of your mom during the week? Is it only you? I would begin with a full evaluation by a geriatric doctor. There might be help for your mom's condition. If the geriatric doctor can't diagnose her condition, there will most likely be referrals.

she does have a geriatric doctor and it is a process. I do work full time and the way things and insurance etc., works, anything usually takes one week increments of time. I took her to psychiatrist for anxiety and depression and he recommended support groups to manage anxiety. She's been approved for three sessions, today is the last one. She has been shaking and agitated for a while. She can't sit still and 45 minutes if hard for her to sit. I tell people it's like she's an agitated dog. Then the anxiety increases if she doesn't have plans, but if she does, she gets anxiety in anticipation. a fine line for sure....

I hear what you saying about a social life, I do work two days a wk but I have to pay someone to watch dad, 35-45 dollars a day add's up. If my hubby and I want to do anything we have to have one of our children come stay with him, And that is hard to do. My sister come down last year to visit and couldn't even stay at the house she stayed in hotel. And not once did she offer to watch dad so my husband and could do anything. My social life is talking to my neighbors, and work.
Really would like to go to the mall all by myself..Or even be in the house All by myself here's dreaming. :)

I was shocked by how many friends just detached or failed to recognize that I had this new role. After all these years, I figured out that they either feared aging themselves or did not want to take on that role for their parents so they distanced themselves out of guilt. Either way it stinks...especially losing long time "friends." I never even talked about it much. Who knows why people do what they do.
Not knowing your circumstnces or your Mom's state of health, I might have to agree with one thing: if she is able, allow your Mom to do as much as she can for herself and hire paid caregivers when you can. I tried to do everything for my Mom when she first moved here, and it nearly killed me. It takes time, but I am learning to delegate more. Please do not think that you are the only one who can do things for her. What if you were not in the picture? Someone would be called in to help with her care. If you can shift your thinking to becoming a "care manager" then you can go back to being her daughter.
Again, I do not know if your friend's comment was misguided or if she was being objective. Either way, you need an outlet or you will burn out fast. Also, don't assume that people do not want to help. When friends ask if there is anything they can do have a list ready. Do not be afraid to ask...they may say no, but then you know for sure.
good luck.

I am not a doctor, but it seems like there must be something that can help her move to a calmer state. A neurologist perhaps? A different doctor. There is definitely a fine line in this situation. Who takes care of her during the week when you are at work? I don't pretend to have all the answers and it's frustrating communicating via posts in a forum ( at least for me it is). I'm simply saying that your life matters and you can't lose your life as you care for your mom. I doubt that she would want that for you.

Each week is a new challenge. I work near her home and i have meals on wheels delivered. I had in-home care a couple hours every other day, but then she found out how much it was costing us and then she went into a week long anxiety and was at my house in a panic. She desperately wants to move in with me but my family (husband and daughter) say no because of all the work and demands put on my attention plus the negative comments and poor me syndrom all the time. I feel bad because it would be the best for her, but not for me being put in the middle

I'm with you MsM..

cricket - I know - Oh and I forgot about the full body massages - we have to have those - while we are drinking Margaritas of course nad maybe taking dance lessons from Antonio Banderas? I'll see if I can book him . . . oh oh and we can take captains boat over to Hawaii! What a perfect plan.

oooohh perfect plan ! ill drink alotta coffee and keep an eye on the captain to make sure she doesnt doze off .
think christina gives a good massages , mmm
i love it here , we can dream all we wanna . we ll make it come true .

sosad2 - i find zannax helps dad to be calm . its much better drugs than any other harsh stuff .

MsM - Count me in! Social life? The past two years it's been visiting dad's doctors for all of the various reasons. Friends not living the caregiver life have no understanding what it takes to plan and even when you plan, how quickly those plans may need to be changed. It's sad to say but I dream of the day I won't have this responsibility, as much as I know I will miss my dad. It's just so draining physically and emotionally. I also work full time and by the time I get home, I am so spent that I can't even carry on phone conversations with friends. Of course, when I did it used to just depress me more - talking about the new restaurant they went to for a romantic dinner, what movies they've seen recently, their latest exercise classes. On the other hand, I've had so many what I like to call Hallmark caregiver moments that I know I will cherish when dad does pass that I don't regret any of it. This site is MY social life. We dream, we laugh, we support each other - what better friends, what better social life could there be?

I'm here 24/7 caring for my mother and haven't been able to have a social life for a very loooong time. Although I'm glad that I'm able to help her through this challenging stage of her life, I do miss doing things that I used to enjoy or just having some quality me time.

SOSA:

In the Brazilian countryside, we're lucky to have one form of insurance against the trap that caregiving can be: a huge family. Down there, I have 12 half-brothers and sisters. (I'm not going to mention anything about the relatives here in the States, as I might have a psychotic episode. Suffice it to say they're all a mess.) Our elderly are never put away, always have something to do, and the family gathers around the bed when their time comes to slide into another plane of existence. In a nutshell, we take turns at caring for one another and still have time to be the social creatures we're designed to be.

In the US, it's a different ballgame for the most part. Families are smaller; most children are taught to be individuals and keep to themselves yet expected to be social. Here in NYC, everything's so compartmentalized it's so easy to become desensitized to almost everything that goes on around you. At home, people like myself find safety in solitude; inside a rented box that's become a fortified temple of inner healing after spending 1/2 the day hunting for that Almighty Dollar that no one can do without.

Everything has to be paid for; even a social life. Like crackheads that get paranoid after hitting the pipe, the time I spent away from Mom wasn't much fun at all. The cellphone would ring, or I'd be too worried something would happen. Relationships didn't work out because I was too tired to put out ... or stay awake at the dinner table.

For 3 long years, caregiving was my life. Joining a monastery would've been a lot easier. At least I'd have been surrounded by monks quite adept at taking care of themselves and be supportive at the same time.

In caregiving, a social life where you actually find enough quality for yourself is .... an oxymoron? An anachronism? ... Well, you get the point.

Good luck my friend.

-- Ed

Eddie, I like the way you word things and your humor. Yes, I have thought profoundly about how our society has changed and how we are losing focus. My three brothers all live in different parts of the world, and relatives are on the east coast. No support system. Friends are too busy with their own lives, and the only help I get is if I pay and understandably so. Friday night -- hmmm, and then i feel like I don't even want to talk to anyone or friends (and I even hide what I'm having to do), because they don't understand. Hmmm, they think I'm asking for this -- who would ask for this?

When I was caring for my mom and could not afford to go out with friends, I asked a friend if she and her husband liked to play cards and maybe they could come over and play cards with me and my husband. That way I could watch Mom and still socialize and have some fun. My friend said they like to play cards but they like going out to eat better. I said I know but I can't. And that was it. When you get knocked down it's kinda hard to want to go to bat again.

Yes, actually I have started a card night once a week either saturday night or friday night and that seems to work the best. That's something mom can do and we do enjoy it also. thank you all,,,, got to go.

misunderstood 10 -- i just re-read your post -- that sure was an "ouch" by your friends --- so terribly insensitve, right????? gees

ya sosad. It hurt my feelings.

I don't think most people intend to be cruel - indifferent, yes - self-involved, yes. But it still hurts.

I knew a women whose adult son was in an accident that left him a quadraplegic. I wasn't among the first at the hospital - but I was among the few who called or visited every week, sought out ways to be of use, took food, washed dishes, provided transport to and from th hospital, even arranged a room at my expense for her out of town whre he w having treatment. Mostly i always answered her calls, many times late at night when she'd had one too many, and spent hours on the phone just listening and offering solace..

Time passed. Her son was released - after a year in hospital - and went off to a place out of state to live. I still kept in touch with her, and when Mom came and I soon found myself 'shut in' I let her know my situation, and how I would love to get out for a drink or a lunch.

3 times I called her. 3 times she said she wanted to get together and 3 times she never called me back. I see on her FB page that she is off on this cruise or that vacation, lost a great deal of weight, got a new job she loved, blah blah blah.

I'd like to believe that her indifference to me is because she knows all too well what its like to have your whole life revolve around a hospital bed and bodily functions and whether you want to or not you always have to be there. In her darkest hours she said more than once it would be easier if her son had died. So maybe she avoids me because I am a reminder of those dark hours and she wants only to embrace the light now.

I get it.

But even if 'friends' avoid us, wouldn't it be wonderful if they sent over a funny card, or a pizza, or left a bottle of wine on the doorstep? Of course I can't even get an email response from absent brothers after informing them days ago that their mother was in hospice, so I guess I expect too much.

Hmmm . . .time to lighten up. How about a most embarrasing moment? Let have a contest!

I worked within the court system, and every Friday we had huge crowds in the courtroom of people being arraigned and lots of lawyers. My job had me up front at the defense attorney tables, and back then women appearing 'before the bar' were required to wear a suit or dress, hose and heels (it was the 80's). That day I wore a white dress, and after sitting for a time while we were waiting for the judge, I'd gotten up to speak to someone in the audience.

A short moment later my boss, a very dignified, quiet man - an elder in his church - grabbed me from behind by both my shoulders. WTF!

He whispered urgently. "Let's get out of her. Walk!" and standing as close behind me as Cary Grant stood to Katherine Hepburn in some old movie whose name I can't remember after she had inadvertently ripped off half her gown, he lock-stepped me through the crowd, out the doors through the overflow in the hall, and to the door of the ladies bathroom.

You guessed it. I'd had a menstrual accident big as day on the rear end of my pretty white dress. He returned (after the arraignment) with a raincoat borrowed from the judge's secretary, which I wore from the courthouse and home to change.

The only thing that would have made this more embarrassing was being teased about it - but it never happened. Apparently no one else had noticed - he got me out of there before they did, and he never spoke it either.

Ok - whose got one? lets hear them!

i dont go anywhere , i just have my own pity party in my backyard with bonfire and beer and 4 wheelin around the yard , bet the neighbors are shakin thie r head thinkin we have lost our mind .
i love my back yard .....

mariesmom,

If you wore a "pretty white dress" at that time of the month, then I'm betting that back then you had never heard the "Pirate in a Red Shirt" joke.