Hi there! I am looking for some advice. I am 32 and having my first child in December. My dad passed in 2009 (suicide) and my mom hasn't been the same since, understandably. My divorced older sister and her two kids have been living with her the past 6 years but they are moving into their own house in December. My husband, mother and I had all talked multiple times about my mother moving in with us when we have a baby to help with childcare and so she wouldn't be alone. She has no friends and prior to being pregnant I thought this was a great idea. Now that I am pregnant, my mother is being a bit overbearing- telling me how I should feel (when I'm not 100% in love with being pregnant), redecorating parts of my house, and constantly seeks appreciation even when we've thanked her for small things she's done. She plans to sell her house in the spring and giving us money to buy a larger house to fit the growing family and her but I don't know it that will work out. Even with a sit down conversation, I just don't think she will change and I worry we will all grow to resent each other. But I worry it's too late to rescind the option to move in with us. What do I do now? Anyone else experience this?
While my kids accept my advice with a polite but pained smile, I don’t live with them. I have to say that pregnancy made and makes us all ouchy. If you’re not 100% on board with your condition, that adds to it. If she moves in, Mom could very well become your best friend and ally. Free babysitting, watching the baby during the day so you can nap, etc. If she’s healthy enough you won’t immediately need to care for her as well as the newborn. I had a rancorous relationship with my mother and especially with my second child, never relied on her for advice or help.
Having Mom kick in for the house might not be such a good idea since she already needs constant gratitude for small things. At first blush, it may seem agreeable to you to have financial help, but in the long run, if Mom is giving you thousands of dollars for new digs, constant gratitude on your part may get rather tiresome. What about finding an apartment (even a senior apartment) for mom close-by. That way, mom would be there but not RIGHT THERE. Mom is a grown-up and it’s ok if she lives independently. It’s a little late in life for her, but she may do better than anyone expects. Being a “Suicide Survivor” sucks. I know because I’m one. But it’s ok to try to move on. Maybe a little therapy for her. Loving encouragement from her kids that she’ll be ok.
Based on what you've said, this is a "no-no" as a new married mom! Seems you gut feeling is correct on all levels. Top most importance is what's best for your family? Adjustment & time is necessary. Your husband & you can always re-evaluate in the far future; yet, I would not voice any commitments. Many resourses your Mom can persue- by her taking charge of her own life, she'll gradually achieve a whole new level of independence . She'll realize and learn re-renewed & new interests and goals.
It'll be a difficult journey to begin but thank-God she has family support to cheer her along the way.
When beginning a new family, your focus & time committtment on marriage, kids & family is enough. Keeping them as most important is the loving thing you can do for everyone - including for your mom & mostly you! When you, as a "Mom," are doing well, then she's able to do well for her family! 😁
Let your mom get herself a rental place close by (ideally with other retired folks so she can get some sort of social life going ) and see how that works out before you move her in.
In the summer, the grandparents "babysit" some days at their daughter's home and some days at their own home.
I would advise you find a nice house or apartment for your mother and allow her to babysit in the same manner.
When/if the day comes your mother needs to move in with you, I encourage you to find a home where your mother's bedroom is large enough to include a small sitting area (even if this is only a recliner and a small table) and has an attached bath with a little extra space and a shower large enough for a shower stool or bath chair. When someone needs to use a walker or a wheelchair or needs a little help getting out of the shower safely, a little extra space in the bath makes things much easier.
Would she be willing to use some of the money from the proceeds of the sale of her home to live in a retirement community instead? There are some really good ones that include meals, housekeeping, and have lots of activities and good socialization. She would still have her own room if she felt like being by herself, but would have other people around as well, and it would help keep her from getting isolated. She might even make some new friends.
I would definitely have the heart to heart talk with her. I can tell you from experience that having my mother here plus a toddler was very nerve-wracking and took a toll on all of us. She recently moved to a senior facility because it was too hard for me to manage all of her needs alone, and the needs of our kids too. It seems like a better living situation for the both of us.
This will not only affect you, but it also will likely cause your husband to feel resentment towards her as well as you.
How do you tell her? Just say you and hubs conclude it will be best for her to downsize and live near you. Do not deviate from whatever decision you and hubs make..
If eventually she becomes very ill or incompetent, then you can decide how to address that situation, ie., rest home or other arrangement.
Grace + Peace
Bob
It isn't too late. Just tell her that on second thought you and husband have reconsidered. She will get mad, that is not your problem. Remember, the old Bible advice/command. That is why a man (or woman) will leave his (her) father and mother and will cleave to his wife (husband) and the two will become one flesh. There is a reason for this command. She will always see you as the "kid" and she is the all knowing "mom".
My only comment is to keep the reconsidered answer to a very simple sentence, no long drawn out reasons or explanations as to why not.
Just a simple, "Oh thanks, Mom, but we've decided it would be best for us to be on our own with our first baby, but we'd love you to come visit now and then." or words to that effect. And maybe say it in a phone conversation so that you can end it when you are ready. "Oh gotta go, Mom, gotta pee... again!" Keep it simple.
I'm not even sure about adding the part about her moving closer. Your mom will figure things out on her own. She is still young. I was 44 when I lost my husband of 23 years, but now, 20 years later, I am happy being on my own (although my 93-yr old mom is living with me, but that is fine), Your mom will find her way and it is so true, you canNOT find happiness FOR her.... she has to want that and find it on her own.
Wishing you a wonderful life and let us know when you deliver!!!
Whenever I have had someone come into my home to stay for an extended period I lay down a list of things I won't compromise on. Dinner times, bathroom times, (we only have one) my morning routine to get ready for work. All those things in my routine that I don't want to change. I have had nieces and kids return and I make if very clear how things run here. I am the head of household so to speak. If you are of the personality or the relationship you have with your mom is not handled in that way and you can't be completely frank with her you probably need to make sure she and you have your own space to breath. As with a previous poster a place where she can meet people in her walk of life that she can commiserate with would be valuable for her health and give you the space you need but also allow her to help as needed.
If she is already redecorating and becoming overbearing imagine what it will be when she moves in and it becomes HER house and you living with her rather than YOUR house with her living with you.
If she must live with you then the only way I would do it is if there is an In Law suite with LOCKING doors between the two residences.
A better solution would be for her to find an Independent Living / retirement community and move there. She can develop new friendships, be social, go on trips and not be alone. She would no longer have a gas bill, electric bill, homeowners insurance, no mowing the lawn, shoveling the drive and minimal food bills. Her cost of living would probably go down. Many places go from Independent to Assisted if she comes to that and a lot have Memory Care if she needs that later.
She can come and visit, watch the grandchild(ren) then go home.
I gotta tell you I am 64 and I love the grand kids but I do breathe a sigh of thanks when they go home after an overnight. I don't know how old your Mom is but there is a reason you have kids when you are younger! It is exhausting! I am sure she will appreciate being able to go home and relax in a bit of peace and quiet after a day of watching a little one. It sounds great to say I will help out but I bet it has been a long time since she has had to care for a baby then toddler for hours at a time.
If you do decide that she will move in and you can not find one with an In Law arrangement then look for a place that she will have easy access to look for "adaptive" living or ADA places. Also might be listed as "Handicap Access" Wide doorways, open concept, roll in shower, ramps or the ability to build ramps, few if any thresholds (so pretty much continuous flooring throughout), no carpeting and generally no stairs or at least the main living spaces on one floor.
And you may want to consider a place with 2 master suites. So you both have an adjoining bathroom. You will not give up your Master suite for your Mom.
The only reason I am suggesting the accessibility issues now you do not know what will happen in 1 year, 3 years and as she becomes older she may need adaptations.
Please have her get a separate place, separate location for everyone's sake. Close but not to close.
Boundaries now not later.
Your family first. 💕
First may I just say congrats on the baby!
I was about 34 when my husband and I moved my mom in with us. Our children were 8 and 5. My father passed away and my mom was not in great health. It has been 21 years and my mom is 85.
So, if you 2 have enough respect for each other, it will indeed work. However; you will have your moments. 2 women, related or not, living in the same home, will have problems to work through. Both of your lives are entering a new chapter! It's important that you both understand each other's chapter. Next, it's important to remember your mom has already faced a lot of chapters! The older they get, the more hidden fear they have of chapters running out! Beacause She is watching you, her baby, and comparing...( mom's always feel they have to tell us how it's done! ) it is natural to share her ways. You will have to respect and understand that, among so many other things, or living together will cause a rip in your relationship with her, as well as your husband. For my family, it has been awesome! And now that my kids are grown, my hubby and I just celebrated 36 years, and my mom at 85, we get along great. Beware, moms will always "mother". Its what they do! Now, I am a stay at home daughter! Lol. I am paid to care for here at home.
This situation worked great for us because we entered into it with an understanding. Not everyone can manage that in the midst of so many changes in their own lives. Perhaps finding a home together with a separate suite for your momma would work well? Just a thought. Hope something I said helped.
She will be raising your baby not you as to keep the peace you & hubby will give way to her often - let her down size on her own because if she is living with then all her world will revolve around your family & that is not healthy
Soften the blow by saying you feel it will be unfair to her & it will be the truth - she might be somewhat hurt but it will be less than when you yell at her to leave when you're fighting sometime - then you could possible end up with a family rift -
Talk to your older sister frankly about why she is moving away from mom & she'll probably clue you in - ask her if she would do it again
In my case, 13 years ago my husband and I bought a home with a separate 1 bedroom apartment with its own full kitchen and bath. We then asked my Mom to live with us and "chip-in" monthly for the cost of the apartment and utilities. We used 'cost per square ft' to determine the amount. Our living space was twice hers. She paid in 1/3 of the cost of the mortgage (PITI) and utilities. Her groceries and personal items are at her own cost. This can be done as a monthly tax free 'gift' (check with your tax preparer) or as income. This situation worked well for us as our private lives remained private, yet we were there to help each other when needed. Four years ago we retired. We moved to a home in the mountains, again with a separate apartment, and moved my mom with us. She paid for half the moving expense and continues to "chip-in."
This method allows for both of you to have things the way you like it..in your own separate spaces. Your Mom may even prefer to not be involved with mortgages and other bills as it allows her to be free to travel and date while still keeping the apartment. And if she chooses to leave, you have a rental to add income.
Privacy on every level will be a precious commodity that you will be giving up as well. She will always “be there”.
You will also be facing taking care of her in your home as she ages along with your child(ren). Not an easy task.
As someone else suggested, let her sell her house and downsize. Then visits will be less stressful on you and your family.
I would let her visit to help with the baby for a week or so (but make sure to set a timeframe). Otherwise, I don’t think her moving in permanently is a good idea.
If you have issues now, just think when baby is here. Everything all other posters have said. You will regret it.
I understand it’s your mom, and there is a ‘guilt aspect’ working in this situation, but guilt is a very debilitating and unhealthy emotion.
If you feel controlled/manipulated by her (emotionally and financially) into moving forward, now is the time to back out.
My mom sounds much like what you described.
Her health is sound enough to live on her own too after my dad passed away. She moved out of her location/state to live closer to me. I am an only child, so it makes the situation even more exclusive.
It would not work out for me to live with her long term. We get along, but I enjoy my solitude too.
You have to concentrate on your baby and raising him/her in a calm and peaceful (no stress) environment. You deserve to have your own separate life. There should be no set obligation for you to have her live with you. It’s not selfish, it's life.
Its very much about respect and boundaries.
Many people move out of their parents house with good reason,... to become more independent, grow and have their own private life.
I am sure that was the very situation when your mom moved on with her life after leaving her parental family home.
Just move your mom nearby and invite her over to your place as much as you can so she doesn’t feel alienated. See if you can get her more involved with an activity or two to meet people her age.
There is a support group I wanted my mom to go that focused on losing a spouse, but she doesn’t seem interested. You know the old saying,... you can lead a horse to water,....etc,...?
Its true in every case.
Godspeed.