Has anyone had to go through friends trying to help out, either through talking or physically help, only to hear them talk about their own prior situation and create more work for caregivers like myself?
I'm currently the sole caregiver to my husband who suffers from dementia and physical limitations and requires 24/7 care. When friends talk to me, they always revert back to themselves and talk about how they can "sort of" identify with what I'm going through and the conversation is all about them. Not that I don't care, but I'm going through something that requires all of my time and energy and the last thing I want to do is tell somebody else I'm sorry for what they went through even though it's not nearly the same scenario that I'm going through with my husband. How do I digress and redirect the conversation without making them feel bad? I don't want to lose any friends or feel any resentment. It's not my intention at all, but I do have a hard time accepting that people want to help when all they do is talk about themselves.
Your friends are trying to relate, that is why they are grasping for events in their lives that are similar. They can't.... So keep that separate and enjoy not discussing your husband for a bit and get the scoop on other things going on ;-)
I am someone who has undiagnosed learning challenges. I know I have challenges, but I do not know the root cause. Over the years I have developed strategies that have allowed me to excel in school and life.
I can only retain information if I can relate it to something I already know. I do this my repeating what I heard and saying aloud how it relates to prior knowledge. It is not a sign of disrespect on my part, it is the only way I can retain information.
I often do this when answering questions in these forums. I relate what has been asked to my own experience, or things I have witnessed in my family or professional life.
Now, if I had come over to your house to stay a few days and help out, I would need a list of things you need to have done. Even if to others it would be obvious what was needed, I work from lists.
In the past, again am relating to my own experience, I have learned not to load other people’s dishwashers, but it is ok to empty them if I know exactly where things go. Now if I see a counter covered in dishes and can fill and put the machine through I will. Why am I mentioning this, which seems silly and unimportant? I was verbally attacked for putting dishes in someone else’s dishwasher “the wrong way!”
If you provide a list of things that need doing, have it clearly posted, I can work through it, and will. Post the grocery list and I will get the shopping. Tell me what you usually have for meals and I will prep it. But without any guidance I would be lost. I would worry that I will do the wrong thing and even though I see that you are stressed and tired, I will have a very hard time asking you what you need me to do.
You’ve had two good suggestions here.
The first is to find a service with volunteers whose real task is to hear people’s troubles. The Alzheimers Association was suggested, or perhaps Lifeline. You may be able to find others that would give you what you want and need.
The second is to set some rules for your phone conversations – perhaps think it through and send an email with the rules. You don’t want to talk about your husband and your difficulties. You want them to tell you something interesting that they have been doing. Perhaps you could tell them jokes you’ve heard – the Jokes site here has over a thousand old postings, and starting from the beginning should give you something to say for a long long time.
Don’t keep on doing something that isn’t working, and try not to write off all your old friends. It’s even possible that you might find yourself in their position in the future. You might understand only too well what they are going through, but you may not want to be reminded about it.
How about just telling them "This is distressing to me, can we talk about something else?" Or be prepared with several topics you can divert them onto. They just might be grateful for the change of direction.
Your friends don't know what to say, but I think they're actually trying to give you some solice. I think they're doing it in a spirit of friendship so you may have to put up with it. If your uncomfortable with it, tell them politely.
Is just being friends & finding a professional listener an option?
My DH told me he could no longer listen to my family issues. Hard but honest. So I found a professional. Proper time to offload. No 'fix it' attitude being flung back at me. Better relationship with DH. Win win win.
My neighbor hates her job. Every night she goes home and complains to her husband about it. She tells me too but I don’t have to listen to it daily so it doesn’t bother me. I show empathy to her. She told me that she didn’t understand why her husband wasn’t compassionate about it. I stayed neutral on that topic.
One day while outside, I was chatting with my neighbor and he told me that he wished his wife would look for another job because he was so sick of hearing about it. If a spouse constantly talks about something the other spouse will tire of it. Again, I just listened and reminded neutral.
Haha, not going to place myself in the middle of it.
You are wise and loving to understand how your husband meant it. Good for you!
Yes. I believe people that turn the conversation to themselves OR their own experience do so for these reasons:
(1) They are totally unaware;
(2) They cannot project / experience an other's feelings (which is what awareness and self-development is);
(3) They don't know what to say and belief they are 'helping' - even though they aren't;
(4) Many people are totally self-absorbed and totally unaware of it.
How to deal with these communications:
(1) Stop them immediately.
(2) Don't apologize. This is not about them. It is about YOUR needs.
(3) Be clear on what you need / want from them - spell it out (if you want to put the energy into communicating with them). They might learn something and appreciate how you guide them. If they don't appreciate and/or learn from it, you don't need them in your life right now.
(4) Give them a book on Non-Violent Communication aka Compassion Communication. All the steps are in there.
(5) Tell them what you need now is REFLECTIVE LISTENING. If they don't know what that is, ask them to research it on the internet.
(6) Choose new friends who have more self-awareness.
(7) If you do not want to discuss directly face-to-face, write them an email or call when you feel you can. Keep conversation short, i.e., "This is what I need from you, a friend, right now and list in bullet points xxx. It might be necessary to say "Please, just listen. That is what I need right now. I do not need to hear about you and your experiences. Just listen. And thank you. If they don't hang up, tell them what you need now. Good luck.
I'd share a couple of my own similar experiences, but then I'd be doing exactly what your friends are doing. Gena.
Treat others as you would like to be treated. If it becomes clear they aren’t reciprocating your kindness, simply leave.
You don’t owe them an explanation if you don’t want to talk about it.
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